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Original poster

Is my partner gay?

39 replies

swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 10:46

This is going to be a tough one to explain but here goes;
I met my current partner whilst I was still married. We met through mutual friends and he was openly gay. We then kind of developed our friendship post my divorce & grew feelings for each other. I don't know if this was just emotions running high whilst my marriage crumbled but anyway, fast forward and we have been together 3 years and live together with my three sons.
Now, he is very outwardly camp and makes comments about men regularly. He has said since we got together that he thinks he is attracted to 'people' rather than genders. I am pretty liberal on this, and this hasn't been an issue to me. If you didn't know him, you would NEVER say he was with a female as he is so obviously gay in how he refers to other men etc. He spent his whole adult life with men, too, and has apparently only ever found one female attractive (me).
Now, over the last 6 months or so, its began to bother me just how much of a princess he is. He relies on me to organise every aspect of our lives together. He takes no initiative, and has no interest in forming relationships with my children. None. He will happily stay in bed on the weekends until 10/11am when me and the boys are up & wanting to do something fun. He expects to be looked after and never does anything nice for me. He is just 'there'.
The best way to describe our relationship is a friendship. I also genuinely believe that he panicked he didn't have his own family & wanted to create the illusion of having one - he is very materialistic in that sense and likes everyone to think his life is absolutely perfect.
Sexually he used to be very interested, last 6 months hardly ever, and its always me initiating. He doesn't fulfil me and never has. After a long period of abstinence recently, I caught him watching gay porn. Again - no issue on the porn front - but makes me feel that he is infact gay if he rejects me but watches gay porn. He leaves me thinking I'm being really unreasonable as I knew he 'found people attractive not genders' when we first got together. What can I say to that? Nothing.
My overall assessment - he is gay, he wanted some stability he couldn't find in a man, so opted to leech onto his female best friend instead and now we live seperate lives under the illusion of being a happy family.
My children aren't bothered by him, despite knowing him for years.
I am planning to ask him to leave our home - but I KNOW he will say that I knew about him before we got together- which I did - but things have changed. I can't explain it
Thank you for reading, I feel so silly every writing this.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 29/01/2023 10:50

Yes, he’s gay. He’s obviously gay. He has never hidden that from you. He may have been flattered by your attention, and liked the idea of living in a stable home with a servant on tap (who wouldn’t?), but he doesn’t see you as a romantic or sexual partner. Time to throw this one back.

Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 10:53

I probably didn't title it correctly. I know he is gay. But he is insistent that he is attracted to me & only me. But his actions don't mirror that. So I guess I should be asking whether I'm just being used.

This is a mess 😔😔

OP posts:
Senseofsomething · 29/01/2023 10:56

This relationship doesn’t sound like it works for you at all. Agree, time to end it.

Warspite · 29/01/2023 11:00

You are being used and I think you know that.

His pattern of relying on the female in a household for all the grunt work & life admin is no different than an unsatisfactory heterosexual relationship.

Not only that, why want sex with an outwardly gay man with all the health risks that brings? Yuk.

I think you might find that most of us will suggest you chuck him back in the pond.
You’re not having your best life with him are you? .

Intriguedbythis · 29/01/2023 11:03

Be careful to protect yourself if you are sexual together.

Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:04

In terms of sexually transmitted things the risk is the same with any relationship, whether gay straight or bi, so thats not a valid point to make but respect your opinion.

No, I'm not living my best life. He is very emotionally manipulative though. He is a real drama queen. Never in the wrong, either.

OP posts:
Intriguedbythis · 29/01/2023 11:05

I was not suggesting it because of him being gay, I was suggesting it as because if he is gay he may be sleeping with other people.

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 11:07

He's gay but enjoys the benefits of having a "wife" he doesn't fuck. Don't be a mug.

Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:07

Oh I see, thank you, understood now.

Amazingly he never leaves my house other than to work. I have no belief he is cheating. I honestly think he's just leeching onto me to create this lovely illusion of having a happy family.

Its taken me ages to see it though. I feel so stupid ! :(

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 11:08

swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:04

In terms of sexually transmitted things the risk is the same with any relationship, whether gay straight or bi, so thats not a valid point to make but respect your opinion.

No, I'm not living my best life. He is very emotionally manipulative though. He is a real drama queen. Never in the wrong, either.

The risk is not the same. Straight males use condoms for contraception mainly. Gay guys are way more liberal about it.

Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:08

You've summed it up perfectly. Thank you

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 29/01/2023 11:08

did he just want a traditional life / motherly figure ?
he sounded like a great friend but it’s just that

Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:10

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 11:08

The risk is not the same. Straight males use condoms for contraception mainly. Gay guys are way more liberal about it.

Show quote history

We were both checked out at the start and I have genuinely no reason to think he has or is cheating on me.

The point I was making was more around feeling used and being taken advantage of, or whether this is even a real relationship. Not about our sexual health but thank you for the concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:11

Slimjimtobe · 29/01/2023 11:08

did he just want a traditional life / motherly figure ?
he sounded like a great friend but it’s just that

Yes, I believe this to be the case. I do think he cares about me and loves me, but as a friend or motherly figure rather than anything else.

OP posts:
Backstreets · 29/01/2023 11:13

Straight or gay men will sure be men
if he tries to deflect and make it out like you have a problem with him being same sex attracted tell him what you told us: the issue is he’s not attracted to you. If he wanted a roommate found family set up he should have been open about that rather than pretending he genuinely wanted a romantic relationship.

Newyearnewmeow · 29/01/2023 11:13

He’s totally taking the piss out of you and using you.
He’s not really your friend either is he? Real friends don’t use people like that.
He is just using you as his housekeeper and to keep up some sort of weird appearance to others.
He sounds bloody awful.
I’m sorry you have got yourself into this mess and hope you can get rid of him without too much distress to you and your children.

Original poster
swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 11:15

Backstreets · 29/01/2023 11:13

Straight or gay men will sure be men
if he tries to deflect and make it out like you have a problem with him being same sex attracted tell him what you told us: the issue is he’s not attracted to you. If he wanted a roommate found family set up he should have been open about that rather than pretending he genuinely wanted a romantic relationship.

Thank you. Reading everyone saying what I thought to be true is helping me see clearer.
He is very much 'woe me' and plays victim all the time. He will swear he loves me and our life and do everything to keep us together but his actions simply do not suggest that he feels that way about me.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 29/01/2023 11:23

You had an enthusiastic sex life so he's obviously not gay, he's bi.

I don't really think the problems you have (apart from the lack of sex) are to do with his sexuality. Even the lack of sex could just be a function of the other problems.

He's being a cunt, in exactly the same way that lots of people are in relationships- not pulling his weight and being defensive in arguments.

The sooner you end this, the less resentment and the better chance of retaining some sort of friendship (in the long run, short term you need space).

I think after that you need to be single for a while and work on boundaries before your next relationship. This one had a lot of warning flags which should have made you more cautious before living together, especially when you have kids.

Watchkeys · 29/01/2023 11:23

swishyswoo92 · 29/01/2023 10:53

I probably didn't title it correctly. I know he is gay. But he is insistent that he is attracted to me & only me. But his actions don't mirror that. So I guess I should be asking whether I'm just being used.

This is a mess 😔😔

It's not a mess. Your head is messing you up, but the situation is clear: the relationship doesn't work for you, and it's time to leave. You don't need him to agree with you, and there's no need for psychoanalysis.

Work out the practicalities of splitting up, and do it.

Bionesque · 29/01/2023 11:27

You're his mummy, not his partner.

palelavender · 29/01/2023 11:27

He may be very fond of you but he's gay. He is very outwardly camp and makes comments about men regularly. He watches gay porn. He is not attracted to 'people' rather than genders because it's very obvious he is attracted to men. You are not special in the sense that he is suddenly ungay when he claps eyes on you. You don't have to say it's over because he's gay. The relationship is just not making you happy.

Lampzade · 29/01/2023 11:30

He is a gay man who found himself temporarily attracted to a straight woman.
He is using you
You are unhappy. Tell him to leave

LiverBurd · 29/01/2023 11:35

Gay, bi or straight he's a terrible partner and it doesn't sound like you or your kids are getting anything from this relationship.

So don't get hung up on what his sexuality may or may not be - time to end the relationship because it's not working.

BananaSpanner · 29/01/2023 11:41

None of it really matters though. You are not happy, you want the relationship to end, sounds like your kids do too. So end it. You don’t have to seek his agreement.
When you end it, don’t get into discussing his sexuality, you don’t want to be drawn into an argument you can’t win. Just say the relationship has run its course for you and you want to be single again. Then end it.

purpledalmation · 29/01/2023 11:50

He's gay and using you. Show him the door and stop messing your kids up with this strange hybrid relationship