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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm jealous of ex's girlfriend

31 replies

nares · 28/01/2023 19:34

Pretty much that really
We split 3 years now but I'm still really broken
He treated me awful ,I was humiliated,mental abuse,things he did ,texting other women -constant need for attention
Making me jealous /pushing me to being crazy /hurt /upset

Now he has a gf of 2 years -they have plenty of money now (he had none with me)
Holidays ,always out and about
Live together etc etc
The nasty msn seems to have disappeared
I have mutual social media friends and all the posts of them I see
I'm so sad tonight
I've just seen they all out in a group tonight
I'm just not worth loving by him I guess
That's how I feel anyway

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 28/01/2023 19:36

It was 3 years ago this isn't normal checking them on social media.

LadyWithLapdog · 28/01/2023 19:36

Take a break from SM, read a book, watch TV. He wasn’t good for you. Better things and people will come in your life.

ReamsOfCheese · 28/01/2023 19:38

You must realise that to everyone outside your relationship they couldn't see what he was actually like to live with, and you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors with his new GF either. Why do you feel jealous of her when you clearly know he didn't treat you well? Would it not be more reasonable to feel sorry for her, knowing what's probably going on where no one else sees? Do you really want that mess back in your life? Why?

LoekMa · 28/01/2023 19:42

Not to negate the abuse you say you suffered, but your post makes it obvious YOU don't believe you're worth loving. Even by yourself.

Any self-respecting person would prioritize their own mental health and stay away from images of their abusive ex on SM.

Even if it means deleting those mutuals.

Wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere. Also hope this wasn't some back handed attempt to get other posters to pile on the new GF.

Wonder why she is your focus and not the Ex

qwertykeyboards · 28/01/2023 19:49

Come off social media or block/remove anything that is going to destroy your peace. It’s very unhealthy that 3 years down the line you are obsessing over this. You will find someone who is good for you, he wasn’t.

Original poster
nares · 28/01/2023 19:57

It's been 3 years but we still spoke daily until around 22 months or so ago
I know I shouldn't still be upset but I am

OP posts:
Valentine35 · 28/01/2023 19:59

Block him and move on, you're wasting your life sitting being sad over someone who treated you like shiit. You deserve better, and better will come along Grin

Original poster
nares · 28/01/2023 20:45

I really don't want to still feel like this but I can't help how I feel
I just don't understand now he's changed and is this lovely person but treated me like dirt on his shoe

OP posts:
Annabananna1 · 28/01/2023 20:51

What's on SM isn't real.
But yeah, he might have grown up and improved himself since you were together.
Absolutely doesn't mean you weren't worth improving for, just that he may have had a mental growth spurt or something.
It really is nothing to do with how he felt about you.
I also think that we are different people in relationships. I don't think I've ever acted the same in my different relationships, I'm always somehow a slightly different person and that's nothing to do with them, it's jus me growing or reacting.

It's hard to block / delete SM entirely I think. Could you set up a new profile with just the people you want to see. And have the option to go back to the other one at a future date potentially, when in a better place.

Geogaddi · 28/01/2023 20:53

Hells bells! Sometime mumsnet can be such a bitchfest. Loads of people being really really harsh on you OP. It's perfectly perfectly normal to feel sadness, jealousy regret, all those negative emotions surrounding an old relationship that went badly. I'm still not 100% over a relationship that ended 15 years ago and I have my valid reasons for that.

The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself. These feeling won't go away just yet and you probably won't get the closure you need, this won't be easy. But if you can try and find some strength to realise he was an arsehole that would be a start. Then try and work on making yourself happy, do things that you love. Every moment spent dwelling on him is a moment wasted. Good luck op.

WednesdaysNameIsFullOfWoe · 28/01/2023 20:55

People do change and grow. He wasn’t right for you back then, but may be right for her now, or it may be a front and they hate each other.

Geogaddi · 28/01/2023 20:55

Ok, bitchfest was a little harsh of me (tired, long day) but it really isn't that unusual to feel the way you do I don't think..x

Floraanddougal · 28/01/2023 20:55

nares · 28/01/2023 19:57

It's been 3 years but we still spoke daily until around 22 months or so ago
I know I shouldn't still be upset but I am

Are you trying to make two years sound less a?

I think it’s obvious you’re unwell, I’d urge you to stop obsessing about him and stalking them on line and if you can’t, then seek help .

Original poster
nares · 28/01/2023 21:11

@Floraanddougal how exactly am I "unwell" ?
For being hurt ?
I don't stalk him
I see his posts because we have mutual Facebook friends

OP posts:
babeB · 28/01/2023 21:16

nares · 28/01/2023 21:11

@Floraanddougal how exactly am I "unwell" ?
For being hurt ?
I don't stalk him
I see his posts because we have mutual Facebook friends

Just seen @Floraanddougal call someone else unwell on another thread! What a coincidence. Ignore.

Op, best to not look and work on feeling good about yourself inside and out. Maybe start dating again when you're ready

Floraanddougal · 28/01/2023 21:27

Why ignore`? It’s been three years, 2 since regular contact. You are obsessing on him, and her. It’s neither normal or healthy. Please ignore anyone who tries to tell you it is. Only you suffer unless you let them know about your issues.

Original poster
nares · 29/01/2023 08:38

My issues are I'm struggling
How he's changed to this new man after putting me through hell
Because that's what it was hell
He did cruel things to me

OP posts:
Prinnny · 29/01/2023 08:52

It’s not normal to be obsessing over an ex after three years. It’s not healthy and watching him and his new life is obviously causing you distress. People do change and grow, I think you would benefit from unfollowing him and his friends on social media and maybe consider therapy to help you move on.

icelolly12 · 29/01/2023 08:55

nares · 28/01/2023 19:57

It's been 3 years but we still spoke daily until around 22 months or so ago
I know I shouldn't still be upset but I am

If he was so awful why were you still speaking to him? Also 22 months is almost two years, of course he's moved on!

SisterAgatha · 29/01/2023 09:05

I can understand OP. I was abused subtly by a man i had known for many years, obviously it was not always awful or id not have put up with it. We have 30 years of history so around 40 mutual friends, our families know each other. He did some truly awful things to me.

i see him online now and just accept that he is not someone new. The woman he is with is just doing exactly the same as me, getting caught up with the drama, trying to rationalise his behaviour, taking the highs with the lows and trying to make it work in the face of his problems. It is not the happy picture portrayed. Some people do change and grow but I know adamantly that this man has remained exactly the same arsehole he has always been. He just has a way of excusing it afterwards that women fall for. I fell for it so why shouldn’t someone else.

i have blocked him and do not go on SM much now. I suggest you get some counselling and work on distraction at the moment, which will eventually lead to healthier habits as you find happiness elsewhere.

Good luck

perfectcolourfound · 29/01/2023 09:19

Op do you understand that what you see on SM isn't necessarily their real life? Did people know he was abusive towards you? I assume not - you probably both kept that well hidden. Which is very likely what's happening here. So as pp have said, you should feel sympathy for his gf, not jealousy.

It is possible (unusual, but possible) that he's changed. If he has, that's no refection of you. You weren't he cause of him being abusive. You didn't make it happen. That was him.

It's in the past now, and perhaps you need some help to leave it firmly back there. Widen your social circle and interests, so that what your ex is doing is competely irrelevant to you. You can and will get to that place.

But the first thing you need to accept is that a) their life isn't necessarily as they're painting it on SM, and b) he abused you, that's who he was, and you are well rid.

BarryK3nt · 29/01/2023 10:09

Some people just aren’t right together and bring out the worst in each other, it doesn’t mean they will be like it in every subsequent relationship. I’m sure you’ll find the right person too.

AgentJohnson · 29/01/2023 10:49

This isn’t about him being a supposed ‘new’ man on SM, this is about you not loving yourself enough to let go of a shitty man. He treated you badly because he was a shitty man, not because you weren’t good enough. Until you make the steps to work out why you don’t love yourself, you will continue to fixate on him.

Have you had professional support because of your traumatic relationship with him? If not, maybe it’s worth considering.

frozendaisy · 29/01/2023 10:54

Can you break the jealousy down?
You say you are jealous of his girlfriend, is that because you think she is with this new perfect version of ex?
Is it because they appear to have lots of money?
Are you jealous of the holidays?

If ex was a cruel man who put you through hell that part of his personality will still be there. Perhaps he is with a woman who just won't put up with being treated like that but it might also be their relationship hasn't had a trigger yet.

If it is just lifestyle you are jealous of then forget all about them and strive to having money, holidays yourself then you wil no longer ever need a man, not saying you shouldn't have or want one, but you will never need one for the lifestyle you want.

He has taken too much of your time and headspace already. Don't let him take even more.

He is not responsible for your emotions.
No one is but you.

JorisBonson · 29/01/2023 12:39

Deja vu. You've posted about this so many times.

Delete all SM from your phone and work on yourself.