Page 2 | Break up while pregnant

LittleLegoWoman · 02/02/2023 15:59

Why was he a crap Partner OP? It sounds like that’s the key here.

Marinegreen87 · 02/02/2023 16:18

Why did it not work OP?

Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 02/02/2023 16:32

We argued about finances A LOT. He earns more than me but was okay with me getting everything for the baby. Didn't really seem bothered about paying for anything. Christmas came and went and he didn't even get me anything. He was happy enough to give his mum money to go on holiday but doesn't want to help out financially with his baby. In the past two weeks, he's bought the baby the buggy (£250) and I've literally got everything else. I've spent upwards of £1000. I've asked him to help out with a few little things left on my list which adds up to about £150. He's not replied to it. I know he loves the baby and he loves me but I just can't see myself sticking around with someone who can't be a provider. It all changed. When we planned the baby, he would help out financially (about 50:50) but in the past few months. It's gone downhill. His dad has access to his savings and can be quite tight with money. So I think his dad had said to him, he was spending too much money. So he's cut back. We had the conversation that I have to go on mat leave and I would be earning considerably less, he told me before not to worry about it. He would take care of us financially. But he's not stuck to his side of the bargain. He was a good partner to me. Very caring, loving, considerate and was there emotionally through the pregnancy. I don't know what changed...

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LittleLegoWoman · 02/02/2023 16:40

Well at least now he will have to pay maintenance

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/02/2023 16:50

GavisconNrennie · 28/01/2023 19:58

I don't understand how he could give me space by not even checking on how am I for a week? It just feels like he doesn't care at all. I'm so hurt, checking my phone every ten minutes and he's just getting on with life.

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So you have given him the push even though you claim to love him immensely , and now you are upset because he isn’t ringing you up every five minutes….to beg you to stay? Would you say that you are not totally consistent in your requirements of other people.

He sounds like a pretty good chap, OP, and the sort of person your child will need in their life. Don’t cut him off completely.

Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 02/02/2023 16:50

Yeah it's almost as he doesn't see me and the baby as his family. But he will go over and beyond for his mum dad and brother. His brother recently moved out and he gave him £1000 to help him out with first months rent ( his brother is 30). Now on its own this didn't bother me whatsoever. But then when I saw he was falling short with me and the baby. I decided enough was enough.

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Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 02/02/2023 16:54

I wouldn't cut him off completely at all because at the end of the day, he is my baby's father. It's a decision we both made, I thought things would be different but I guess this is the way things have worked out. I do genuinely believe he will be a good dad to the baby. He's great with kids and has many good redeeming features. I don't know if he's got cold feet or doesn't believe it's real.

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Floppyelf · 02/02/2023 16:56

OP for some men, they have to spend time with their baby to bond. The bonds to his family are already established.

You followed your gut. Its better you did so at this stage. Have you not got any family around to help you get to hospital and order thinge?

Flowersintheattic57 · 02/02/2023 18:46

So sorry you are going through this op. Try not to catastrophize too much about having baby on your own. For most couples , the father goes back to work quite soon and the mother looks after the baby round the clock as ‘he needs his rest to work’. You will find your own routine that works for you and and your newborn.
It is possible that with some couple’s counselling, you and your ex will find your way back together or find positive, healthy ways to co parent. A lot of what you write about him sounds like he is not listening to what he actually wants and is being unduly manipulated by his birth family. Wishing you all the best though. 💐

Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 02/02/2023 19:12

Yes, luckily I have someone who can get me to the hospital. He wants to be at the birth and I think I will allow him to be there. Hopefully with some bonding and time with his baby, things will get better. I'm not holding my breath and I don't have any expectations of him tbh. Just so I'm not disappointed. I have mentally prepared myself to be doing it alone in my head. When I wrote the OP, I was very emotionally and just wanted him back. I'm seeing things for how they are now and you're all right. The focus just needs to be on the baby. We haven't spoken apart from when ordered the buggy and I messaged him asking to get the rest of the baby things. He has not replied and I won't be hassling him for any of it. I'll just go ahead and get it.

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Christmaspyjamas · 02/02/2023 19:40

Oh OP I'm not questioning your judgment but this is such a stressful time and you do sound a little confused and uncertain.

Can I ask why you felt you had to break up with him before baby came. You said you were sure things would get worse but do you know for sure?

It's totally inappropriate if you have ended the relationship for him to message asking how you are.

It's also not a sign of love when someone tries to talk you out of ending a relationship.

I wonder if you may be judging him a little harshly or seeing smallish problems as unfixable problems.

If you want to sort out the problems you will need to talk to him about them. Is that something you would find difficult?

Justmeandthedog1 · 02/02/2023 19:49

I’m sorry you’re in this position but long term I don’t think he was going to make a reliable partner. I find it very odd he gives a really large amount of money to his brother but didn’t get you aChristmas present and his father has access to his savings account. Is it a cultural thing, ?
Think carefully about putting his name on the birth certificate and which surname the baby has —- both of these are your choice. And once your baby is born get cm sorted. Don’t just take his word that he’ll give you money, you need a legal agreement.

Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 02/02/2023 20:16

Christmaspyjamas · 02/02/2023 19:40

Oh OP I'm not questioning your judgment but this is such a stressful time and you do sound a little confused and uncertain.

Can I ask why you felt you had to break up with him before baby came. You said you were sure things would get worse but do you know for sure?

It's totally inappropriate if you have ended the relationship for him to message asking how you are.

It's also not a sign of love when someone tries to talk you out of ending a relationship.

I wonder if you may be judging him a little harshly or seeing smallish problems as unfixable problems.

If you want to sort out the problems you will need to talk to him about them. Is that something you would find difficult?

Hi. Yes I'm glad I ended the relationship when I did. I could only feel that things would get worse when the baby is born. Id rather deal with that now then having to deal with it when having a newborn. Tbh, I think he would be open about getting back together but it's not what I truly want even though i do love him. Because we were arguing about finances, it would trickle into us arguing about everything. Towards the end, we would argue about a spoon in the kitchen sink or who didn't feed the cats. Something so small and petty. But it was just the icing on the cake tbh. I miss him a lot but I think I made the right decision for me and my baby. I'm no longer arguing and being stressed out everyday. I'm kinda just muddling along and getting ready for the baby. It's the most calm I've felt in months.

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Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 02/02/2023 20:21

Justmeandthedog1 · 02/02/2023 19:49

I’m sorry you’re in this position but long term I don’t think he was going to make a reliable partner. I find it very odd he gives a really large amount of money to his brother but didn’t get you aChristmas present and his father has access to his savings account. Is it a cultural thing, ?
Think carefully about putting his name on the birth certificate and which surname the baby has —- both of these are your choice. And once your baby is born get cm sorted. Don’t just take his word that he’ll give you money, you need a legal agreement.

No I don't think it's a cultural thing. He's British. It is very strange though. Reliability. Something you need when you're pregnant but he lacked that so much. I was worrying about surviving during mat leave. Like if I need to ask him for a pack of nappies, will he want to buy them? Silly, but it was how I was thinking. I should be able to make last with what I have coming in but it was those lingering thoughts in the back of my head.

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Christmaspyjamas · 02/02/2023 23:51

Well good luck.

He'll move on with his life. Probably have kids he can be a part of their lives. You'll come to a financial arrangement.

You don't sound calm. You talk about obsessively checking your phone and wanting him to fight for you.

I'm not sure how you will explain to your child that you threw put their Dad because you imagined asking him to buy nappies and imagined he didn't.

I think your anxiety is out of scale right now. That's understandable.

I wish your child well.

Original poster

GavisconNrennie · 03/02/2023 00:19

I genuinely don't believe that's it's my anxiety talking. And he wasn't kicked out because I imagined he wouldn't buy nappies. That was just a thought. He's given me reason to believe that he will not help out much financially, which is a huge problem. I will have a reduced income because of mat leave so I need to know that he will provide for me and the baby. Something he promised to do and is already failing at. We've had countless discussions about this over the past few months and he agrees he will do better. He will get this or that. But he never does. We've argued constantly and I don't want my baby to be brought into that atmosphere. I will not stop him seeing his child no matter what and he will be an active role of the baby's life. I was upset in my OP and it was driven by a lot of emotion but I don't think I'm wrong for leaving the relationship. Pregnant or not. Rather deal with it now then deal with it while I have a newborn baby.

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Holiday2024 · 24/01/2024 09:58

I’m going though a similar situation OP! However this is our second child together. We share a 3 year old!

it’s a year after you have posted this. How is it going? Right now I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. X

MrsShortbread · 24/01/2024 12:32

Hi OP, I’d like to give you some reassurance. I had my eldest young and was on my own from late pregnancy onwards. I had no family support. I’m not going to lie, there were really tiring days and anxious moments (I’d never been around any young children, never changed a nappy, never even cuddled a baby!) but being her Mum was always such an utter joy that everything else was manageable. You become an expert in your child extremely quickly!
Having her helped me not put up with any crap men of any kind, made me stronger for her and for myself, made me stand tall. You will be fine; honestly.

dogmandu · 24/01/2024 18:32

@MrsShortbread great post.

MrsShortbread · 25/01/2024 11:54

@Holiday2024 I hope you are okay.

Cja34 · 24/09/2025 17:39

GavisconNrennie · 28/01/2023 18:21

Hello.

I'm feeling a bit hopeless at the minute so thought I'd post here to see if anyone has been through similar. Im 34 weeks pregnant and I'm going through a break up with my partner. Nothing particularly bad has happened, it's just not working out. I don't think it ever will. I still love him immensely, I just know this is the right thing to do. I broke up with him. However it feels hard that he's not fighting for me? He's not called me or tried to sort things out so I guess he was done too. My heart is broken and I'm about to bring a child into this world. I'm so unhappy. Deeply unhappy, I've tried to cry but weirdly enough. I can't. I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down and I want to wake up from this nightmare. It's shit because we planned this baby and it's all gone to shit. I love my baby but in a way I regret getting pregnant, it ruined everything. It's put a huge strain on our relationship. I also feel like if i wasn't pregnant that I would have no ties to him. At all. I had that I have ties to him and he still has to be in my life. Today he called me about the buggy, to let me know he's ordered it. Nothing about us or how I'm doing ? I know when this baby arrives I will love it immensely but I can't help but think I've made life harder for myself. My heart hurts. How do I cope ?

Hope your doing better.
im 34 weeks and me and my partner just broke up.
no calls no texts to check me or baby are ok and I’m high risk. It feels cruel and i can’t believe it’s happening so definitely feel the strain too. I wanted the family I dreamed of and dreading the long sleepless night alone.