Break up while pregnant

[GavisconNrennie]

Hello.

I'm feeling a bit hopeless at the minute so thought I'd post here to see if anyone has been through similar. Im 34 weeks pregnant and I'm going through a break up with my partner. Nothing particularly bad has happened, it's just not working out. I don't think it ever will. I still love him immensely, I just know this is the right thing to do. I broke up with him. However it feels hard that he's not fighting for me? He's not called me or tried to sort things out so I guess he was done too. My heart is broken and I'm about to bring a child into this world. I'm so unhappy. Deeply unhappy, I've tried to cry but weirdly enough. I can't. I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down and I want to wake up from this nightmare. It's shit because we planned this baby and it's all gone to shit. I love my baby but in a way I regret getting pregnant, it ruined everything. It's put a huge strain on our relationship. I also feel like if i wasn't pregnant that I would have no ties to him. At all. I had that I have ties to him and he still has to be in my life. Today he called me about the buggy, to let me know he's ordered it. Nothing about us or how I'm doing ? I know when this baby arrives I will love it immensely but I can't help but think I've made life harder for myself. My heart hurts. How do I cope ?

You’ve done the right thing, if it’s strained now during pregnancy it would be 100x worse once baby is here.

You give yourself a few days to wallow and eat all the chocolate then make an action plan. Make sure you have everything you need, batch cook easy meals that you can pop in the microwave , plan how and who will get you to and from the hospital. Once home with baby snuggle down and don’t feel bad if you don’t leave the house, shower.

Better to be doing it alone than with parents fighting all the time , you’ve got this

@Imogensmumma thank you for replying. I wasn't sure if anyone would. I've been in bed for the past week, all i am managing to do is shower and just about eat. I can't believe im going to have to be a single mum, I always imagined I would have my partner helping me. I think that's what's so daunting. Im just imagining the nights alone with baby and im so scared and upset. He will be at the birth, I think it's only right that I let him be at his child's birth. He will probably bring me home also. I've been checking my messages constantly to see if he's messaged me. A simple message. Just to see if im okay. Nothing.

You will be fine, I have a friend who split with her partner before the birth of her daughter. Honestly she is so happy, her daughter is now 3 years old and is doing so well.

I know it's nerve racking but you will be fine. I'm 28weeks pregnant and yes we all dream of the prefect outcome of the partner being there through scans and afterwards but in all honesty I think it's always better to mentally prepare for doing it on your own . As any relationship can break down at any stage.

You'll be a great mum, congratulations

I'm 2 weeks PP and (as of yesterday) just been left by my partner of 7 years. The shock hasn't set in yet but the pain is unreal already, but to be honest he was useless anyway and didn't hold baby once

I am so sorry you are going through this. How are you coping so far? I can't imagine how you feel right now. My partner was useless too tbh but I loved him so was willing to look past it. (I know, pathetic). I guess I'm just feeling very vulnerable. We havent had much love for a while. I wouldn't even let him kiss me towards the end, it still hurts though

Was in similar situation. It was really hard, I had moments when I felt like I ruined my life etc. Baby was planned.

It all turned out absolutely fine. Met someone new eventually but as a single parent I managed to find new friends and create my own support group. My child is amazing.

In a way I sometimes regret that my life wasn't easier or that it didn't happen the way I always wanted but then i also feel stronger and have learnt a lot if that makes sense.

I would seriously consider whether you want him at the birth. I am quite a confident person and in a happy relationship and I can honestly say you need someone beside you who will stand up and be your advocate when you can’t do that. It’s true that you literally lose all dignity when in labour and there is absolutely no way I would have an ex there in such a vulnerable moment. Of course he should be invited as soon as baby is here but seriously consider whether he is the right person at your most vulnerable. It was one of the most shocking realisations for my about that whole birth experience.

I think you need to sit down and discuss logistics for when the baby arrives. He sounds like wants to still be involved so you need to work out a way this will work for you. Are you planning on breast feeding as he will not be able to take baby away from you. What happens if you have a section and can’t drive for 6 weeks?

Are you sure this is what you both want and it’s not hormones and fear from you both? Start talking to each other and start planning now

@Greybutterfly I would feel bad not having him there at the birth if I'm being completely honest. I'll also have my mum there so I'll have support. He wants to be involved the baby and wants to see him come into the world. I would feel bad not allowing him that.
Yes, I'm planning on breastfeeding. Atleast until the baby is one. I think this is the right decision, I've realised love cannot keep me in this situation and I can see it just getting worse after the baby is born.

You sound confused if you want my honest opinion. On one hand you say you didn't think it would work out with him, but yet you say you both planned for the baby, and you are heartbroken with the split and hurt he's not begging you to comeback. Maybe he's giving you space to yourself for the weekend and let things calmdown?

Just remember your hormones during pregnancy go overdrive, and can cloud your judgement and feelings. Depression is not uncommon during pregnancy.

If you do go through with the split prepare yourself for relations with him and his family perhaps taking a downturn. He will probably want more time to bond with the baby than he'll probably be given. His family too.

@RocketIceLollie I am confused I guess. I'm going through a break up I never expected just before having a baby. We did plan for the baby but since getting pregnant, it's all gone downhill. I'm sure my hormones do play a huge part. I'm just so fragile right now

I’m so sorry OP

As PP said, if it wasn’t working now it would have only been worse after you’d had your baby. It much better to split amicably before birth than less amicably after.

Do you have friends and family nearby to help? Perhaps you could ask someone to come stay with you.

I assume you’re on maternity leave now if you’ve stayed in bed all week (understandably!)

@PinkFrogss I have friends and family nearby. I feel pathetic telling anyone how low I am though tbh. Yes I'm on maternity leave.

Only you know but from what you have said you don't sound certain that breaking up was the right thing to do. I agree he is giving you space. Rathar than being uncaring. Maybe you need a rethink.

I don't understand how he could give me space by not even checking on how am I for a week? It just feels like he doesn't care at all. I'm so hurt, checking my phone every ten minutes and he's just getting on with life.

Look at all the posters on here, has anyone called you pathetic? And you’re a stranger to us, not a loved one we care about. Your friends and family will want to support you, please talk to them without being worried.

He is probably hurt as well OP, but is either giving you space or trying to set up his own boundaries to avoid further hurt.

Unless you want him back, focus on yourself and your child

Why did you break up with him? Are you clear what your reasons were? You don’t need to share them but I agree with some others that you say you dumped him but you love him but you expect him to check on you.

Depending on what you said to him he might be in bits and grieving the loss of the relationship and the family you planned as much as you are - and he didn’t choose this. He’s doing the right thing by talking practicalities and not getting into anything else, he’s keeping it about the baby. If you dumped him and he “fought for you” you could accuse him of not respecting your wish to end the relationship and move on just focussing on the baby.

Before expecting him to know what you want you need to work out what you want.

It sounds like you’re not 100% you want to break up, and want him to fight for you. The fact he isn’t suggests he thinks this is the right thing. Focus on the baby and creating a Co-parenting relationship

Going forward I will be focusing on the baby. Just feels shit that I won't be raising the baby with the person I created it with. I'm so worried about coping alone.

I can't believe what I'm reading!? You have literally pushed this poor guy away after making the major life choice to have a baby, then want to emasculate him by having him beg you to come back. Unreal!

This is no foundation to bring a child into. The child deserves better. Please with the greatest of love and respect, consider therapy. A baby needs stability. Not chaos!

Sorry to hear this OP. All I can say is that having raised two lovely adults completely on my own, there are far worse things than being a single parent. It’s not what I planned either but I’m very proud of myself, as are they. Do you have friends and family in your corner?

Have u split up with him to test his love? It seems like you are desperate for his attention and disappointed that he’s not begging for you????!!!

No I didn't split up from him to test his attention. I love him but he wasn't a great partner, I've come to realise that. I'm upset cause I felt like if he loved me, he would fight for me. I was feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it's a ego thing on my part. I know it will never work between us and I'm just focusing on the baby right now and trying to coparent when the time comes. Trying to get everything ready before the arrival. Thank you all for your replies.

Wouldn't advise making such a drastic decision when pregnant. Hormones are all over the place and it is all such a shock to the system.

If there's nothing specific wrong try counselling before you make any final decisions, as keeping the family unit together is always ideal if you can

I'm upset cause I felt like if he loved me, he would fight for me

He’s no doubt feeling the same. And it wasn’t his decision to end things.

Why are you so sure it wouldn’t work out? Not that long ago you chose him as the father of your baby.

You are the one who went nuclear and ended the relationship, it isn't realistic to expect him to try to "fight" this. Men are constantly told to respect women's autonomy and decisions.

You can reach out to de-escalate this if you want to. You can message him and tell him that you can't deal with relationship stuff at the moment, but you have made a baby together that is coming very soon, and you are very unhappy and struggling. You can ask him if he would come back and help you through things with the relationship stuff set aside for the time being. This is absolutely reasonable. This is mature, not weak. He has a duty and responsibility for your wellbeing whilst you are carrying, birthing, and then nursing a newborn he fathered.