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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you handle the ex and expectations

34 replies

Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 08:44

Will try to keep this brief but I'm livid, back story is, I was with my ex for 10 years and we have 2 DS, 4 years ago he walked out and left me to raise the children alone, met someone else after 2 weeks and made my life difficult with maintenance and seeing the kids once a week. He never wanted to share custody and if he asked I would of gone 50/50.
Since then he went on to have a really bad accident, lost his place to live, his job and relationship. I have since met somebody great and we are due to get married this year. When ex was in a bad place he managed to get a flat sorted and me and my new partner helped him with carpets and furniture as the children really wanted to spend time with their dad and the flat wasn't liveable.
He has since got a big payout for his accident and he now have a part time job and a car etc, and his life is a lot better. He pays no maintenance for the children but agreed to cover childcare for school holidays as I work full time. Not sure if it's relevant but he likes to smoke weed and he has a gambling problem.

To give some context I have since bought a family home, had major renovations and the house is lovely to raise my family in and my OH is perfect and like I said we are planning to get married in July. Things with ex can sometimes be difficult still as he is selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself. I had therapy after the breakup as I was in a really dark place and from I have discovered he is a classic narcissist, I know that term gets thrown around here but he really is.

Fast forward to now and my 6 year old is suspected to have ADHD, ex didn't agree but in the end he agreed, the nhs waiting time in our area are quite long so we went private at a cost of £1,450.00 paid for by myself and OH. He has now been given a diagnosis of medium to severe combined ADHD. Feel shit about that at the moment as he will have this for life etc. the next step is a treatment plan along with medication which cost a further £1,100 plus £100 a month for meds. I have asked the ex if he would make a contribution towards these costs and his response was no, you wanted him assessed, the money I have is for me, you have a big fancy house and a future husband.
I'm really angry that he can't see it's for his son and for his future. If we get the support for him now then hopefully he will have a easier time with his condition. He thinks I'm after his money and his big payout and I'm being unreasonable and money grabbing.
Am I? Should I have asked him?

My OH has taken some weekend work to earn extra money to support us and it's not even for his child. He does pick ups and drop off, take them to appointments and generally does more for them than their own dad, he is the best step dad to them and we are all lucky we have him.

But why do other men think they can just move out and check out on their children and expect mum to pick up the pieces and raise the children. When I confront him I get,, he is only my son when you want money, any other time I have to do what you say and only see them for small amounts of time for birthdays and Christmas. He is the one that walked away and didn't want 50:50, does he expect to swan in on special occasions and get all the good stuff when I do all the hard graft of parenting and paying for it all.

AIBU

OP posts:
YellowHpok · 28/01/2023 08:48

He is clearly a massive twat. Why aren't you claiming CMS from him?

Sounds like you're doing a good job in difficult circumstances OP.

TheSandgroper · 28/01/2023 08:49

To be blunt, yes, he does.

He is a drug addict and a gambler. Have no expectations so you don’t get disappointed. Always have a plan B prepared for when your children are let down. Live your own life.

SunflowerTed · 28/01/2023 08:55

If he has a massive payout then take him to court for some maintenance

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 08:55

@YellowHpok because he only works 16 hours a week, it comes out at £7 per week for 2 children and because he does cover the childcare in the school holidays (even though he should want to see them anyways) I don't bother putting a claim in. He has since told me he might be getting extra shifts so might not be able to help with the childcare as much, would you put a claim in for £7 a week out of spite?
Once I do that, I know the childcare from him will stop in response.
The "big payout" I suspect is dwindling by the day but I have been told don't go after that as you won't get anything as he has spoken to his solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 08:58

@TheSandgroper I know I should and I tell myself don't expect anything from him but it's so unfair, he rocks up in new things and brags all the time and I have to not say anything. He paid half for uniforms this year and (first time ever he has done this) and you should of heard him, acting like father of the year.

OP posts:
YellowHpok · 28/01/2023 09:01

No, tbf I wouldn't claim the £7, especially as it won't offset the possible cost of lost childcare.

Its crap he is such a useless PoS.

I think PP is correct and you have to rely on him for nothing.

So when he berates you for having nice things, providing for your kids - well someone has to as he clearly isn't. You're just having to work harder because he is so useless. I'd be tempted to tell him that but appreciate it may not be helpful.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 09:10

We are currently not talking at the minute and it's his day to have them so I suspect he won't and use our argument as an excuse. The thing is he finds the 6 year old hard work, which he is but you would think he would want to help him so he is more calm and easier all round. He is happy for me to pay for it all and he gets the nice bits at the weekend.
He told my 11 year old that mummy says he is a 20% dad, and my 11 year old asked me why I said that. What do I say to him, the truth?
Even after 4 years he gets under my skin and I doubt myself sometimes but that's what narcissists do isn't it and I know this.
I can't wait until I no longer have to see or speak to him, sometimes I wish he would bugger off all together but that's me being selfish as I know it would hurt the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 09:14

It cost us £75 for the little one for breakfast and after school club and the older one £25 for dinner and £10 a week bus fare and this is just to send them to school, does not include bills, food and keeping a roof over their head. But I'm just a money grabber!
It's not money for the kids, it's all for me as I am obsessed with money in his eyes.
Sorry just ranting now but I'm sick of his bullshit today.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 28/01/2023 10:39

OP, the main thing is, thank god you’re not living with this fuckwit layabout any more. Too bad he’s still involved with the children. But they will see through him eventually. You are giving them a much better life than he ever would, and they will know this when they are older.

Enjoy the good life you and OH have made.

SpinningFloppa · 28/01/2023 13:33

I do think yabu, my son was waiting for an assessment for asd but was thrown off the list after 3 years as we missed an appointment we didn’t know about and I was told if I wanted him diagnosed again it’s another 3 years wait, I’ve considered going private but no I wouldn’t ask my ex for money for it or expect him to pay any. He also doesn’t pay maintenance either. I think if you want to do it it’s up to you to find the money.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 16:33

So I shouldn't ask him for payment towards it even though it's for his son and he is his dad and has more money than me. I could if waited 3 years too for a diagnosis but he would of been 9 by then and his education would of been disrupted, he is classed as medium to severe so no doubt he would of been falling behind by that point. I did what I thought was the best for him and that meant putting my hand in my pocket and I thought maybe his dad should of contributed to some of it, I even said what if he just paid the prescription charge for his meds and I was told no.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:39

You sound in a far better place than your ex who has had a bad accident and can only wotk part-time. The pay out is for him to make his life better. Sorry but in these circumstsnces if you choose private assessment for your child he can't be forced to pay. He should be paying maintenance though. Soinds like your ex is struggling.

Triflenot · 28/01/2023 16:41

Are you in the UK?
You should be able to get the meds on prescription if you are.

LolaSmiles · 28/01/2023 16:44

I don't think you're unreasonable to want him to contribute to his child's assessments and medication. That's what a decent father does.

A decent father doesn't shit stir and relay adult conversations to an 11 year old. If your 11 year old asks I would say you're sorry that their father has put them in that position as you would rather keep adult disagreements between the adults, tell them the age appropriate truth in a neutral, factual way.

Unfortunately not all men are decent fathers. I'd suspect that he is rather jealous that you're doing a brilliant job with your children, have a new partner who seems to be pulling his weight, and his children will eventually realise their father is a waste of space with a weed and gambling problem.

The high ground is yours at the moment.

Curriedpeanuts · 28/01/2023 16:46

Why do the meds cost £100 a month? Shouldn't they be free for kids, if the consultant you saw is a registered doctor they should be able to ask your GP to prescribe?

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 16:47

@Viviennemary he works part time because he wants to, he doesn't need the money, once he has gambled and smoked all his money away he will have to go full time, so many times I have dropped the kids off for him to show me his new gadget, he is currently like Tom hanks from big with all of his stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 16:49

@Triflenot yes in the UK but it's a private prescription so not an NHS one so I have been told it's around £30-£100 for his meds depending what he has. After 6 months under the treatment plan he can be passed onto his gp and then he will be under the nhs.

OP posts:
peaceandpotato · 28/01/2023 16:50

The maintenance is seperate. Persue that but he is right, he didn't agree with the choice to get your child private medical treatment so why should he pay. If he was looking after his son it would have had to have been seperate

Aprilx · 28/01/2023 16:58

He is not a good father and he should be paying maintenance. But I sort of agree with him on the private health and meds, that was your choice.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 17:00

I felt he needed the assessment and meds as his behaviour is really bad and school are constantly ringing me to tell me what he has done etc so it's not like I wanted to waste a couple of grand, it's for him, for my son's benefit and he was only going to get worst.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 28/01/2023 17:02

But again it was your choice.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 17:11

The right choice for my son

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/01/2023 17:24

Can’t you get medication on the NHS?

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 28/01/2023 17:40

@Cherrysoup not yet, as it will be a controlled substance he has to be monitored under the clinic until they find him the right dose and the right medicine for him, once this is done and they are happy he will then be passed to his own gp, it's called shared care. This is what happens when you go down private route and try and get back in the nhs with a private diagnosis.

OP posts:
Mojoj · 28/01/2023 17:57

I cannot believe the people on here saying the OP is unreasonable to have asked her clearly useless ex to contribute to the cost of a private assessment! Why on earth would he not want to have his son assessed as early as possible? OP, you have absolutely done the right thing in having your son diagnosed as early as possible. His outcomes will be far more positive. Unfortunately you are clearly on your own with this. I would explain to your kids, in language they will understand, that their dad doesn't put their needs first. It's a sad truth. But good for you making what sounds like a lovely life for you and your sons. They will soon learn the truth about their father.