How would you handle the ex and expectations

[Lorddenning1]

Will try to keep this brief but I'm livid, back story is, I was with my ex for 10 years and we have 2 DS, 4 years ago he walked out and left me to raise the children alone, met someone else after 2 weeks and made my life difficult with maintenance and seeing the kids once a week. He never wanted to share custody and if he asked I would of gone 50/50.
Since then he went on to have a really bad accident, lost his place to live, his job and relationship. I have since met somebody great and we are due to get married this year. When ex was in a bad place he managed to get a flat sorted and me and my new partner helped him with carpets and furniture as the children really wanted to spend time with their dad and the flat wasn't liveable.
He has since got a big payout for his accident and he now have a part time job and a car etc, and his life is a lot better. He pays no maintenance for the children but agreed to cover childcare for school holidays as I work full time. Not sure if it's relevant but he likes to smoke weed and he has a gambling problem.

To give some context I have since bought a family home, had major renovations and the house is lovely to raise my family in and my OH is perfect and like I said we are planning to get married in July. Things with ex can sometimes be difficult still as he is selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself. I had therapy after the breakup as I was in a really dark place and from I have discovered he is a classic narcissist, I know that term gets thrown around here but he really is.

Fast forward to now and my 6 year old is suspected to have ADHD, ex didn't agree but in the end he agreed, the nhs waiting time in our area are quite long so we went private at a cost of £1,450.00 paid for by myself and OH. He has now been given a diagnosis of medium to severe combined ADHD. Feel shit about that at the moment as he will have this for life etc. the next step is a treatment plan along with medication which cost a further £1,100 plus £100 a month for meds. I have asked the ex if he would make a contribution towards these costs and his response was no, you wanted him assessed, the money I have is for me, you have a big fancy house and a future husband.
I'm really angry that he can't see it's for his son and for his future. If we get the support for him now then hopefully he will have a easier time with his condition. He thinks I'm after his money and his big payout and I'm being unreasonable and money grabbing.
Am I? Should I have asked him?

My OH has taken some weekend work to earn extra money to support us and it's not even for his child. He does pick ups and drop off, take them to appointments and generally does more for them than their own dad, he is the best step dad to them and we are all lucky we have him.

But why do other men think they can just move out and check out on their children and expect mum to pick up the pieces and raise the children. When I confront him I get,, he is only my son when you want money, any other time I have to do what you say and only see them for small amounts of time for birthdays and Christmas. He is the one that walked away and didn't want 50:50, does he expect to swan in on special occasions and get all the good stuff when I do all the hard graft of parenting and paying for it all.

AIBU

@Mojoj thank you so much for your kind words, I was starting to doubt myself as to whether I was being unreasonable or not by asking him. My OH is working extra shifts, 3 weekend in a row in order to help our budget afford his treatment, and like I said he isn't his father and this is what he is prepared to do for us. He came to the appointment with us and gave me a big hug and comforted me when I felt shit after his diagnosis. He can see that it will benefit him and he is so selfless and cares about all of us, how own father isn't bothered. I bet he would like me to make sure he has his meds though before he picks him up though, would I be unreasonable to say no haha.
I have tried hard to give my children everything I didn't have as a child and maybe I can be a little bit sensitive when I don't see that from their father but they didn't ask to be in this situation and I will always do what I can to provide for them.

Well I don’t think anybody said she was unreasonable for asking did they? Didn’t they just say it was fair enough for him to decide he doesn’t want to pay for private medical assessments and medications. He is of course an arse for not contributing to his children’s upbringing more generally.

But again it was your choice
Based on this logic a resident parent should accept a feckless ex doesn't have to do anything for their child because the resident parent actually bothered to care for the child's welfare.

Need to payfor DC to go on a school trip? Don't expect useless ex to contribute

Need to have some money so DC can access enrichment opportunities? Nope don't expect the feckless ex to do anything as it's the resident parent who thinks it's a good idea

Need to get DC seen for a medical issue or they need physio or occupational therapy quickly rather than wait months on waitlist? Nope, sorry useless ex has no responsibility to their child. It's not the ex's fault that the resident parent looked out for the child's interest

The bar for non-resident parents, especially useless men, is so low.

I second this post...

@LolaSmiles 100% agree with you and it pisses me off.
My OH has a daughter so I get to see what a proper dad looks like and what he does for her, sometimes it used to upset that my sons don't have a dad like that, but then I think actually they have my OH.

You and your DP are showing all your children what a healthy blended family looks like with mum/dad and stepmum/stepdad who care about the children and put their welfare first.

Don't underestimate the positive impact you're having. Your children will come to judge their own father on his actions over time and that's on him.

@LolaSmiles kind of breaks my heart for them too that one day they will realise, but they will also have me and OH.
I didn't have my dad around when I grew up either, and I grew up on, ish so maybe it's not all doom and gloom

It's so hard when the ex is a narcissist because, really, the ideal is to cut them out of your life entirely but you can't (because of the kid/s). I am having to deal with a somewhat similar situation and the advice I've received has been to make 'everything formal/legal' and I think it's right. So rather than your informal agreement where he covers childcare during the holidays, get his contribution formalised (financial or time). It may not be enough, but then you're clear on what you are/aren't getting (financially/time-wise etc) and can be in control of your life and your kid's. THAT is what the narcissist is after - control. So by asking for anything from him you're giving him 'food' as he can then use this to make you angry/frustrated/emotional etc. Don't let him do this to you.

Get it sorted legally, even if that means he's only contributing a tenner per kid per week. It might mean that you'll struggle to meet your son's needs, but at least emotionally, you will be able to be healthy and fit to care for him. No amount of financial input from your ex (that he is able to provide) is going to make the situation with your son feel better - because you'll still be the one worrying about it, researching things, finding treatments, taking him to sessions etc. So get what you CAN legally from him. And do the best you can with that.

Good luck and hugs. An ex narcissist is the worst! But the good part is that he's your ex! As my therapist said, anyone who gets out of a relationship with a narcissist needs a bloomin' medal for emotional bravery.

"Ex and Expectations" - a Blackadder-esque title. Loved it.