Help me work out whether to keep my relationship

[blondieblonde]

I have been seeing a really nice man, who I met in real life not OLD. I really, really like him and in the beginning would contrive all sorts of situations so we could meet.

Now we're into a relationship and I'm beginning to feel a bit confused, or perhaps annoyed. I wondered if you could help me unpick my feelings and which of my ideas are realistic.

I suppose I have realised he isn't going to change, at all, and I need to work out if I should invest my time in him as he is.

Facts are: we live about an hour apart. We both have kids. We're both uncomplicated in our breakups (feelings resolved, though different levels of co-parenting). He is eight years older. We've been seeing each other every week or two for about a year.

One way to look at it is that he's wonderfully gentle and kind, a really lovely person, he's undemanding and supportive, he's emotionally engaged and I love the sex we have, he's clever and makes me laugh, he has an (slightly too) active social life, he cooks me dinner and is very caring. He's told all his friends I'm his girlfriend. We're taking it slow and being careful around meeting each other's kids, though we have done and it went well.

Another way to look at it is that I'm still doing most of the running, it's convenient for him, we haven't said I love you yet (even though I felt it, I didn't). I get the sense that he wants to keep me as just one cog in his life, and that how often we see each other suits him, whereas I miss him. He is surrounded by local family and shares with his ex, while I am alone with my kids. I am younger, I wonder if I should try to meet someone who will be here more fully. I quite like men who miss me, want to see me, ask something from me. We'll never live together, etc, etc.

We do talk and I expect we both see this difference. We really like each other though. I don't know whether we're two sweet people being cautious, going at a pace that is sensible for people with kids/our age, or whether the size of the relationship he wants to have is just too small for me.

I do feel sad watching the moment I would have said 'I love you' dwindle from view. It's like he wants, in some way, to shut me down.

What do you think?

He shares custody with his ex, I meant. Not anything else!

I'd like to say encouraging things. Because you want to love him. But tbh I've felt that subtle dwindling of interest, that pulling back, and I'm afraid it's never meant things are ok. I've often tried to convince myself it is, and tried to be alright with it, even asked about it and been reassured - but it's always ultimately led to me wishing I'd got out earlier.

And I'm in an open marriage with a shed load of differently ambiguous setups, so I often do work on myself to be ok with imperfect and mismatched things. But something about your post really feels like the creeping awareness that he's not all in. Sorry.

I think it’s really hard to move a relationship on when there are kids involved. I am kind of stuck in a similar relationship but seeing each other more than once or twice a week would be too much for me as I don’t want to involve my dc. Maybe he’s feeling similar, where he doesn’t want to get too involved and go down the blended family route? Maybe he’s being sensible? I am really wary about involving my dc in any kind of relationship which means I struggle with a serious relationship. My dc always come first and until they are adults I don’t think I could be in a relationship where I see someone more than once or twice a week.

Maybe he does love you and does miss you but he’s scared to move things to the next level? Maybe he’s happy with how things are? You need to talk and see if you are both on the same page.

Thanks @EthicalNonMahogany and @Lovemusic33 - I am balanced between thinking it is one or other of these things, perhaps a bit of both

sounds like there are a lot of really good things about him and I agree with others that with kids involved perhaps there is a boundary there to maintain stability for them? You could just tell him straight "I love you" be open with your feelings, see what happens... because you'll either get the response you want, or confirmation he's not where you are. It does force it though, and you may want the status quo a bit longer whilst you figure things out.

Yes, I think that might be some of the nuance. I think perhaps he is willing me not to force a progression as he can't do it because of the kids, not because of his own raw emotions on the topic. But it is coming across as the cold shoulder, a bit.

There are lots of good things about him and he is very loving. I would say he does love me as an action. I know from friends and from what he says that he is very into me. It's his first relationship since the breakup, five years ago.

Sounds as though you have made him a priority in your life, but you are only an option in his. You need to have a chat with him and find out if he is willing to invest more of himself. If not, then I think you need to call it off and find someone who is.

That's really sad, but I feel like it might be right. But even if it isn't what he's done, it is how the situation is making me feel.

Quite honestly although he seems a nice guy, there isn't much excitement and you haven't developed a close loving bond together, not enough to be completely yourself about how you both feel and where it is going, obviously distance and responsibilities has some effect. Think about what you want to achieve from this relationship, perhaps you'll have to be the one to open up more about how you feel, his answers will hopefully tell you what you need to know.

There has been excitement and we certainly have been very open with each other, but I suppose we're reaching a kind of stagnant-feeling mid-phase that I don't quite know how to cope with. I think I should keep it going a bit longer until I work it out. I just wanted some new ways to think about it, which you are all giving me.

You have been together for a year, which is quite a long time. If you feel it's going nowhere, be open with him and clear the air. You have nothing to lose except wasting your precious time.

I just don't know if it is reasonable to want it to go somewhere in the circumstances. I in fact don't want to blend our families at all.

Progression is part of a relationship. Even if moving in isn't practically possible for one or both of you due to the hour apart and moving kids further from Co parent etc...it is still a convo to have or want to have...even if its....we/I may not be able to do this right now. What can we do to blend our disparate family loves more? Like. Have you had the chat about when meeting kids would be a good time? Emotional progression is another thing. Decide what an ideal situation looks like for you and then talk to him.

Tell him you love him. See how he reacts. That may push things one way or another...

Family Lives not loves!

Yes, we have met each other's kids. We've told them about it. I guess that is quite a big step.

What if he is giving you all that he is capable or willing to give?

In other relationships where you have articulated your feelings and shared statements of love, were those relationships better or more fulfilling than this relationship? Both of you have had prior relationships that have not worked, maybe he is not eager to have or make any more of a commitment than he has mad

Only you know what you are willing to live with and accept. I think if I were happy in this relationship as it stands, I would not be rushing declarations that in the past have not stood the test of time. His actions seem to demonstrate that he makes an effort to please you and to be caring and considerate of you. In my experience that is what loving people do and it for me would not be something that I would easily abandon in search of words that might be nice to hear but might be shallow and without any real substance.

It does not seem that you have to rush to a decision. Take you time and enjoy the positives .

Thank you @Mari9999 - I think maybe this is right. He does act very lovingly towards me. I think perhaps the ways in which I feel I need reassurance have not met with success in the past. That is why I am being aware of my sense of need this time round and questioning it.

I think you also need to surround yourself with good people and fun things. You will feel left hanging if you don't also have a full life.

That's also very true, @Paq - there is an element of this in my life, certainly, as the man I had my kids with was very controlling and minimised my friendships

Such good advice! I am glad I posted.

I agree with @Lovemusic33 and you've said yourself you don't want to blend.

From what you've told us, I think he sounds fairly committed. You've met his kids!!

I disagree about a year being a long time, it isn't really. Not in the scheme of things.

it is how the situation is making me feel.

I'm not sure it's the situation that is making you feel like this. I think it's because you have some space in your life which you would like him to fill, which is not possible due to the situation.

Your options are to fill that space with other things along with keeping him for the part he already fulfils or ... to look for someone else who can be move to you.

I'd start with opening yourself up to what else you might add to your life, while enjoying your life such as it is with him.

My own situation is similar to yours and I decided to add other things in. It took quite a long time but I have now built up a lovely life, of which I wouldn't want to give up any part.

It actually suits me to have different compartments in my life. This won't suit everyone. It works for me better than having everything in one basket.

Hope you find what works for you.

@FinallyHere thats very useful. Are you in a relationship and do you feel loved enough and like he’s committed and faithful? I think a big part of it is that I don’t know if it’ll be enough for me to ‘keep’ him