Help me work out whether to keep my relationship

[blondieblonde]

I have been seeing a really nice man, who I met in real life not OLD. I really, really like him and in the beginning would contrive all sorts of situations so we could meet.

Now we're into a relationship and I'm beginning to feel a bit confused, or perhaps annoyed. I wondered if you could help me unpick my feelings and which of my ideas are realistic.

I suppose I have realised he isn't going to change, at all, and I need to work out if I should invest my time in him as he is.

Facts are: we live about an hour apart. We both have kids. We're both uncomplicated in our breakups (feelings resolved, though different levels of co-parenting). He is eight years older. We've been seeing each other every week or two for about a year.

One way to look at it is that he's wonderfully gentle and kind, a really lovely person, he's undemanding and supportive, he's emotionally engaged and I love the sex we have, he's clever and makes me laugh, he has an (slightly too) active social life, he cooks me dinner and is very caring. He's told all his friends I'm his girlfriend. We're taking it slow and being careful around meeting each other's kids, though we have done and it went well.

Another way to look at it is that I'm still doing most of the running, it's convenient for him, we haven't said I love you yet (even though I felt it, I didn't). I get the sense that he wants to keep me as just one cog in his life, and that how often we see each other suits him, whereas I miss him. He is surrounded by local family and shares with his ex, while I am alone with my kids. I am younger, I wonder if I should try to meet someone who will be here more fully. I quite like men who miss me, want to see me, ask something from me. We'll never live together, etc, etc.

We do talk and I expect we both see this difference. We really like each other though. I don't know whether we're two sweet people being cautious, going at a pace that is sensible for people with kids/our age, or whether the size of the relationship he wants to have is just too small for me.

I do feel sad watching the moment I would have said 'I love you' dwindle from view. It's like he wants, in some way, to shut me down.

What do you think?

long distance relationships are hard and need a lot of communication and trust. I’m in a similar situation, we live a fair distance apart, try to meet up every other week as a minimum but know we have no realistic option to move in for at least a few years. But what we do is plan things to look forward to (weekend trips, concerts, holidays) to give us some future focus. We also set aside time to talk and catch up. But it does help we both have busy lives and hobbies i like the time to pursue when we’re apart.

I think this needs a good honest long chat about where you’re at. He may not say the words he’s feeling but his actions should show it and instead it’s leaving you confused. He might be on the same page but not wanted to say it, but if you keep ignoring it you could end up years down the road with no further progression.

Yes, we do do that. We have a few days away planned in Feb. Well done for keeping your relationship going. It’s very different at this point in life, so I’m learning.

it is coming across as the cold shoulder, a bit

Have you told him that this is how you feel? If not, what's all this 'We're very open with each other' stuff? Where's the communication? He's not giving you what you want on a fundamental level. It's not going to matter that he cooks your dinner; he's not feeding your soul.

If you can't talk to him and get him to understand, then your fundamental connection is missing, and that's a bigger problem than anything else you've mentioned.

My thought is what do you think would happen if you told him everything you've told us?
Do you think he would run?

No, I don’t think he’d run.

I’d think he’d say he really liked me, that he was being cautious and practical, that he liked building it into his life slowly. I don’t know. I partly think he is scared, having been hurt before (his ex cheated a lot and lied about it). I think maybe he is someone who’s a bit wary of strong emotions and of intense proclamations— and that sits extra oddly with me as I was basically lovebombed into my (horrendous) marriage, so I’m obviously susceptible to it, or even look for it.

Actually, the fact that I was in an abusive marriage before makes me question everything. I do feel really loved by him in his actions. I think my brain might be looking for the wrong signals.

I suppose that’s why I posted, because I don’t entirely trust my own judgement

So I'd say look at the effort you both put in an judge if it is about equal or not. Do you always travel to him? Are you finding its more him telling you when he is free and you always fall in line with it? He could just be merrily coasting if you do all the effort, whereas one way you know if someone is into you is by them putting effort into it.
Try saying you are busy for the odd planned meet and see if he is willing to come up with alternatives or just does a " oh well, will have to wait till next week". That will tell you a bit of where he is at. Maybe your schedule is accommodating him, whereas he slots you in.

I think I’ve made most of the effort :-(

He will respect you far more if you speak up about your genuine needs and feelings and you do not apologise for having them.

Otherwise you will have been complicit in whatever future selfishness / lack of consideration of you he displays.

And he won’t omissions how you feel until you say it. Or you’ll just keep getting more of the same.

Your feelings deserve to be heard, validated, and accommodated. This is basically what respect is, which is slightly different from “love”. You need respect in a healthy relationship. You must command it. Let us know if you’d like tips and examples how you might do this that have worked for others.

Yes, I would love some tips on this if you’ve got any! A few other times in this relationship I have raised an issue/talked about my needs and he does listen. Each time I’ve been sure that’s it, he’ll dump me now, but he never does and in fact it makes things better for me. You are so right.

One thing is I’m not really sure how to articulate the current need. It’s something like ‘do you love me enough for me to keep a space for you in my life, given that I miss you and am often lonely?’ but that’s still too vague.

I’d be willing to bet that he’s holding back for fear of scaring you away. Nothing you’ve said makes me think he’s not invested, it all seems to be your (understandable) insecurities.

I think everyone knows the routine of a new relationship … the exciting butterflies of dates etc, and how that settles down into contentment, and then it gets a bit “pfft” but by that time your living together with 2 kids a dog and a goldfish.

But I suppose when your circumstances don’t allow for the moving into a first home together settling down into contentment and “pfft” and you stay in the “early relationship” set up situation it can be perhaps unsettling to wonder if there’s something wrong because you have kinda moved into the comfortable phase emotionally… but you haven’t practically etc etc - I’m waffling and not making any sense …

I think you should talk to him. It’ll probably be surprisingly fine.

It’s terrific that he listens, and you trust in this, so happy for you. That will make things far easier, the relationship in general actually.

I think we should clarify your needs as much as possible before you present them to him… what would loving you enough look like, specifically, item by item, take as long as you need to think about it… (you don’t have to share all of them with us if they are too personal)

You've had some great advice from really insightful posters which I'm sure will help others reading too.

I just wanted to say that when you are used to toxic relationships of some kind, a healthy one feels fucking scary and your brain will be constantly telling you things are "wrong" and twisting things til you don't know what to think. The solution for me was lots and lots of reading about healthy relationships, attachment styles, learning as much as I could about myself. I still follow a few insta acts about healthy attachment styles etc. My goal wasn't to find a healthy relationship per se just to feel less confused and more secure in general in my life. I'd try to figure this out for you, not necessarily for you and your bf and you will be much happier for it. Bonus it takes up some of that time and space you'd have if your relationship was bigger.

In the right relationship, you don't need to rely on judgement, because you'll feel right. The question of judging it won't come up.

A bit like when you smell off fish. You don't have to use your judgement, it's instinctive, you just know it's wrong. Or when you hear a scream, you don't have to use your judgment. Or when a child laughs, you don't judge whether it's a good or bad thing, you just know that it's lovely. You feel it.

If you're falling back on using your judgement to decide if your relationship is viable, it's not. Successful relationships aren't founded on whether they're 'sensible' or 'a good idea'. It's not brain-work that tells you if you're getting what you need emotionally from someone.

Do you feel lovely around him?
Do you feel secure and safe around him?
Do you feel protected by him and his feelings for you?
Do you feel his empathy and concern for you?
Do you feel his 100% respect for you, and your words, and your feelings?

So, you're annoyed he actually has a life whereas it sounds like you don't?

OP hasn't even hinted at being annoyed, and hasn't made any complaints about his life, except to say she's sad and unsure of her position in it.

Never seen a post that missed the point by so far. Are you on the right thread?

OP, maybe you should rephrase the question to " do I love him enough to keep space in my life for him if this is all that he can offer at the moment? "

The dissatisfaction is on your end. The decision has to be yours. If you end it now, will the emptiness that will inevitably follow be better than what you have now? Is there some in the waiting as a possible replacement?

Perhaps, some of the loneliness comes from expecting one person to fill all of the void in your life. You know from experience that having someone be a constant presence in your life or living with someone is not the answer. If that were the case, you would probably still be with one of your prior partners.

That’s really useful @Mari9999 - especially your reframing of the question