Is it really me..?

[EveryNameIThinkOfIsTaken]

I've posted here before about relationship issues and had really good reflections from other which I've taken into account.in fact, in the past 15 years I've been on here, I've posted about every relationship I've been in.

11 years ago, it was my marriage ending because he met someone else. It wasn't surprising, we didn't fancy or love each other and never really had done. It was a mistake getting together but he'd been my best friend at school and once we'd got together, neither of us wanted to lose the friendship so we plodded along in a bit of a fog. He wasn't a 'cheat', he just met someone he fell in love with after 12 years of near celibacy for both of us. We'd had sex probably less than a dozen times altogether and only twice after the first 4 months. He was embarrassed by me because I wasn't pretty and would walk behind me, he compared le tp women in films, he wanted to know why i couldn't be like other women. We split up I had therapy.

The following year, I dated someone for a few short months who had ED through excessive porn use and I discovered he was on dating apps. He's also told me that he'd only dated beautiful women in the past but he'd always been worried they'd cheat but he didn't have that problem with me (because I wasn't attractive enough to be of interest to anyone else). So I ended it. In hindsight, I know I should have ended this one sooner. But I'm 10 years older and wiser now.

The following year, I dated someone for 5 months who i got on really well with but he then told me I was too old for him really (even though I was younger than him) and he wanted to be with someone younger. He also started gawping at younger women when we went out. He mocked an older woman for her (perfectly normal) appearance once. So I ended it.

A couple of years later, I met someone else who seemed keen but who started comparing me to other women and was embarrassed that his ex gf might see me (he was definitely single, I met his family and some friends) so we couldn't go out locally. So, after 3 months, I ended it.
I few years later, I went out with someone who would criticise and compare me to other women. Tell me how beautiful and sexy other women were but unable to tell I even looked nice when we went out for the evening. So I ended it.I tread carefully where relationships are concerned. I take them slowly. These are the ones who made it through the first few dates without similar red flags. Some would make these comments and criticisms from the first date.But I've never been out with anyone who didn't compare me to other women and find me lacking or criticise me for not being attractive or sexy enough. Or try and improve me on those grounds.Tonight, I'm ending another relationship and I'm really sad about it tbh. We get on so well. Everything has just fallen into place perfectly. We've been together over a year. But still the little comments have been there. Not direct comparisons to me but telling me X is really sexy/gorgeous/beautiful - women who are ina different league to me. Yes, he says those things to me but he has also asked me to dress up to be more sexy, to look like those other women he finds sexy. It's not about me, it's about me recreating what he finds sexy about other women because I'm not one of the women he finds sexy. He's never 'cruel' in how he says things but the comments are there nevertheless.I know that he loves me but I've just withdrawn and I can't do it anymore. I'm at the point of realising it has to be me. I see other women in relationships who aren't 'beautiful' or outwardly/obviously 'sexy'. So it's be me. Do other women experience similar? Are other women just more resilient than me and brush it off when their partners prefer other women to them? Or compare them? Or want to dress them up like someone they fancy? Do other women's partners/boyfriend's insist on walking ahead of them so other people don't realise they're together? Do other men position their partner's physically so that they look more appealing sexually to them? Or tell them what great bodies (big boobs, they're a person trainer and so really slim) their exes had? I think I'm reasonably attractive. I think I have a reasonably attractive body shape (size 12/14 hourglass), I'm educated, I have opinions, interests, hobbies but the constant criticisms and clear message that I'm not 'enough' over the years have made me 'small', anxious, self critical. I feel unattractive (as a whole person), inadequate, angry with myself. I feel disgusted and full of self loathing now.I suppose I just can't believe it's happened again. I'm never going to have that experience of feeling loved, safe and content. Of having a true relationship or partnership. I just can't believe that this is it.

Ok OP it does seem like he likes you. Did you tell him how it makes you feel when he talks about other women? Did you asked him to stop? If yes how did he react and if not why don't you feel confident setting those boundaries?
This needs to stop.

Also read up on emotional reasoning.
All you know at the moment is that men you were with behaved in certain way. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it does not mean you are not enough or that you are not attractive.

You obviously will be more sensitive to that behaviour because of your previous experiences but lots of men do it and you need to communicate with your partner to make sure it doesn't happen again. Maybe he's just being clueless but he's response and how he resolves the issue will tell you more about him.

I lade it clear it was a problem and I told him why. He didn't doo it very often but the fact that he did it at all means it'll be in his mind whether he says it or not.

If he never did it again, all I'd be left with is never knowing which women he thinks are sexy and would rather I was/looked/dressed more like. That means I could be anyone.

I can't watch films with him anymore - I've tried but it just makes me feel really tense the whole way through. Going out is difficult because I'm constantly looking at other women and evaluating them in reference to me. I've never been like that before and i hate it. I've always looked at other women and had positive thoughts towards them looks wise. I've never personally felt i was better or worse than other women or that it mattered. I've always championed other women. At least in the past, I've known they weren't particularly attracted to me/didn't really like me so it was less important.

The fact I know he does like me and care just makes it worse because it still isn't enough. I'm still not quite good enough.

I'm 48. But it was no different when I was 18, 28 or 38 either.

I've spent 8 of the last 11 years single so I have don't the no dating, getting on with my life, having fun with friends etc but slowly, over the years, those friends have partnered up, moved on/away. I'm the only person I know who's been single for so long. I've also don't the dump at the first red flag but it meant I wasn't seeing anyone. I suppose by the time some of the red flags have shown, they've been amber or maybe pink. And, like woth this one, I am weighing up one small thing (I'm not sexy and attractive enough for him) with everything else that we bring to each other's lives.

But I klpw that he's noticed.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm weary of it and sad.

I've also done the dump at the first red flag but it meant I wasn't seeing anyone

What I meant was, no one was getting through.

My friends told me that I was being too rigid and inflexible. People on here told me I was too rigid and inflexible. Not willing to give anyone a chance, expecting eople to he perfect, not making allowances for human error.

So I tried being a bit more circumspect. Obviously, the man who, on a first date, told me he usually avoided dating white women because we have a propensity to put on weight didn't get a second chance. But many of the comments didn't started until a few weeks or, in this case, months in.

If I'd dumped the man who told me his ex girlfriend was a personal trainer and really slim at that point, I'd have been told I was jealous and insecure. It only became an issue when I realised he wouldn't go out with me in his village in case we bumped into her and she thought he was 'dating down' after her.

The man who'd been worried his beautiful exes would cheat on him but didn't think I'd have the same opportunity? I was originally just what he wanted - I was settled, and had a good job, I didn't go out loads and get drunk, I baked nice cakes... none of which is a red flag in and of itself. But what it represented to him didn't emerge until much later and in very subtle ways - a plain, mousy, housewife type of woman who'd never attract the attentions of another man.

OP first of all you are attractive. I haven’t seen you but there is someone for everyone. Different people find different people attractive. For example I had a colleague who looked like from a magazine cover, literally, sort of your stereotypical very handsome groomed, very fit, man. And I could say he was conventionally very very attractive but I found him very unattractive. It was his personality that made his looks unattractive (to me and also to some of my other female colleagues). Btw he was a nice guy but there was just something about him. He was also educated, in a senior position etc, etc.

So I think it is not you but also at the same time it is you. Could that be because of your previous experience with your marriage? You did have therapy so I’m sure you worked through that. But could it be, given the marriage was so long that you are finding it hard to forget knowing that your husband actually never found you attractive as a partner? So you are much more careful but also see things where they don’t exist?

For example my husband loves watching Beyoncé or pussycut dolls. I’m size 10 and definitely don’t look like any of them. But I do like the way they look myself and like their performances. So we agree with my husband that they are sexy. But I know he is with me for me. The one man who wouldn’t walk next to you, yes, definitely red flag but if in your latest relationship everything else is fine and there is respect I would reconsider whether to just end it without discussions.

Btw my husband also sometimes says I’m wearing old lady clothes, never thought of it as a hint that he would like me to dress ‘better’. But actually maybe I will now a little bit 😊. He also says I look nice when I do dress nicely.

In your comment above when you say ‘he says. Yeah, she is really pretty. Did you take that comment as a positive or negative? To me it would be a positive comment, someone tells me I remind them of someone from TV and then they say the person I remind them of is really pretty I would take it as thanks very much; so basically you think I look like [insert a women you think is really attractive]

Hiw did you interpret that comment that she is really pretty?

Hiw did you interpret that comment that she is really pretty?

He said the character's personality reminded him of me.

He then said the actress was pretty.

On separate occasions. There were other examples with him too. All very similar.

He would also reel off names of Hollywood actresses who were the same age as me and suggest that if they could be size 8, sexy and beautiful, there was no reason I couldn't. "She's your age. Look at her. No reason why you couldn't look like that if you tried." Totally disregarding xompletelt different body shape and bone structure etc. Or would compare me to my friends and tell me if I tried really hard, I might be able to look as good as X. So wasn't me interpreting it incorrectly.

I think the iother thing is that what is discussing it with him going too achieve? Really?

I'll still know he thinks it. I'll know that anything he says/doesn't say from now on has gone through a filter of some sort. It won't change whether he thinks it or not just whether she says it.

It's not such the thinking someone else is sexy more the comparison to me, finding me lacking akd then asking le to dress up like them. Presumably because he will find sex more satisfying if he can imagine he's doing it with them.

I’m wondering what else you don’t say to them that they feel it’s acceptable to speak to you like that. I’ve never had any partner say anything along those lines to me, but they would have got gob full if they did.

What's the point? Give them the satisfaction of knowing they've upset me? I tell them the reason when I end it. I've had tears, nothing, promises to change. But I'm not interested.

Current one, we were watching auric video. The guitarist was tiny with huge boobs and wearing a bra under a long sleeved mesh top. The conversation went something like.

"I think I've found your new stage outfit."
"What does that mean?"
"Well you should wear that."
"Why?"
"It looks good."
"No, you mean she looks good."
"Well yeah, she does."
"OK. Well I wouldn't look like that would I? So no, I'm not going to wear it."
Silence.

That might sound innocuous to some but thee are other women he's asked me to dress specifically like. Specific outfits.

That’s you putting yourself down though.

I'm going to disagree: it is you.

Not because you deserve any of the shit that you're getting, but you are choosing/attracting relationships with men who do this to you.

The common denominator in all of this is you. And it is frequently hard, if not impossible, to reflect on our own relationship patterning and behaviours to see whether they are dysfunctional or not.

You say you had therapy. I'd suggest you probably need more, so you can unpick both what it is that you're doing to undermine yourself and the wiring that you can't see that is enabling this.

I know this might sound harsh, but all the comments about "No it's not you" are unhelpful.

I am a former psychotherapist.

When people say "it's not you" they mean it's not you being not good enough or not attractive enough because that's what OP means when she says it's about her.

Lots of people on this thread mentioned about boundaries and moving on from men who do this.

Were you never tempted to say, 'If I looked like her, I wouldn't be with you'?

I wouldn't be able to stop myself OP.

I'm 48. But it was no different when I was 18, 28 or 38 either

Yeah, I was 46. But it was no different when I was 16, 26 or 36, either. When I accepted that a) some people meet the partner of their dreams at 16 and some people meet the partner of their dreams at 50 and b) that fact isn't dependent on the viability of the people, but on the choices they make, and the people they choose to spend their time with, I met a compatible partner.

In the nicest possible way, OP, there's nothing special or different about you that would make you attract 'bad' men. But for as long as you consider yourself to be somehow defective in finding a partner, you will very likely continue to find unviable partners. This is down to you. Not because there's something wrong with you, but that you think there's something wrong with you.

Props to @B1rd

Why are you so desperate for a man's validation/attention?

Yes, I think validation might be a key thing here. Seems you've been listening to what friends have told you to do, relationship-wise, you've listened to what MN thinks you should do, relationship-wise, and it's not working out for you. Why aren't you following your feelings, rather than the advice of others? We don't know how you feel; you do. We don't know what you want; you do. Your friends don't see/hear these men; you do. Nobody feels the same emotional responses as you; only you.

In a nice way, you're on your own with this, and when you realise that, you'll stop asking friends and forums to guide you, recognise that you're not at fault, and understand that you are responsible for your own feelings. You can't put something down to an unknown 'fault' in you, and you have to accept that you have to choose a partner as brutally, and get upset as brutally as many others who are in the same position as you. You'll accept that life is sometimes unfair, and it's by chance that you've got to 48 without having had the luck to find a partner. You'll also accept that many people in relationships are as miserable as hell, and in some ways, you're lucky to be single so much, because of all the valuable experience of an independent life, and because meeting the right man isn't everything.

I'm not. But if I'm with someone, I don't expect to.be criticised.

I wouldn't say that precisely because I don't think looks should be a currency.

He does though.

This is weird because the conversation could easily have gone like this surely:

"I think I've found your new stage outfit."
"What does that mean?"
"Well you should wear that."
"Why?"
"It looks good."
"Oh. You think I'd look sexy in that?
"Hell yeah"

I don't think it's you at all - for some reason there are a whole host of men these days who are just abusive and into negging etc. Or they are just so addicted to porn they have a completely false perception of what real women look like and they're not smart enough to keep their stupid comments to themselves.

My ex was like this too, although not quite to the extent you describe and while I did feel hurt within the relationship I know 100% that his little digs at me etc were a load of crap. I don'twant to sound full of myself, but I know I'm beautiful and have gotten many comments from both male and female that I am...my ex's colleagues at work even referred to him as "the one with the beautiful wife" after he had shown a couple of people a family photo of us with our kids...and I was still treated by him as you describe.

It's not you, you've just had the misfortune of picking the wrong guys and honestly that isn't your fault either. There are probably still some good men out there but so many that are messed up it's hard to find one of the truly kind ones. I've been single now 8.5 years since divorcing my ex. Tried a bit of online dating and it's full of creeps. I just can't be bothered with this, I'd rather be happy on my own.

Please don't let the idiots get you down. hug

Sounds like you continuously go for the same 'type' of man. And the issue seems to be with this 'type' - they are the ones who are insecure because their fragile egos need to believe that they can 'do better' or 'have better', when in actual fact, you are already too good for them. They've broken your self confidence with their own insecurities. Try to see it that way. You are not the problem, your taste in men is though!

Sorry OP I haven’t read the full thread and also only skim read the rest of your updates. I originally said it is not you but at the same time it also is you. I’m now inclined to say it is you and saying it in the nicest possible way. Simone else on here said it as well and suggested maybe you do need to work through your past experiences some more.

Are you happy with the way you look? Are you happy for yourself not for someone else? Do you feel healthy? How do you dress? Don’t change just to appease a man but are you happy in your own skin? I know you said your self esteem war really high and then it got knocked.

I think if you yourself get to a stage where you ‘love’ yourself and are happy with yourself (and yes, I mean in the outward look department) you might feel better.

How do you get to those relationships? If the man appear to be comparing you to other women how did you enter the relationship in the first place? I don’t want to be adding to the list PP already told you to do. But have you ever gone out with someone where it was all sparks to start with; i.e. you couldn’t keep hands off of each other? Or is it mainly you’ve known each other a bit and get on conversations wise and then the physical bit kind of happens as well?