Is it really me..?

[EveryNameIThinkOfIsTaken]

I've posted here before about relationship issues and had really good reflections from other which I've taken into account.in fact, in the past 15 years I've been on here, I've posted about every relationship I've been in.

11 years ago, it was my marriage ending because he met someone else. It wasn't surprising, we didn't fancy or love each other and never really had done. It was a mistake getting together but he'd been my best friend at school and once we'd got together, neither of us wanted to lose the friendship so we plodded along in a bit of a fog. He wasn't a 'cheat', he just met someone he fell in love with after 12 years of near celibacy for both of us. We'd had sex probably less than a dozen times altogether and only twice after the first 4 months. He was embarrassed by me because I wasn't pretty and would walk behind me, he compared le tp women in films, he wanted to know why i couldn't be like other women. We split up I had therapy.

The following year, I dated someone for a few short months who had ED through excessive porn use and I discovered he was on dating apps. He's also told me that he'd only dated beautiful women in the past but he'd always been worried they'd cheat but he didn't have that problem with me (because I wasn't attractive enough to be of interest to anyone else). So I ended it. In hindsight, I know I should have ended this one sooner. But I'm 10 years older and wiser now.

The following year, I dated someone for 5 months who i got on really well with but he then told me I was too old for him really (even though I was younger than him) and he wanted to be with someone younger. He also started gawping at younger women when we went out. He mocked an older woman for her (perfectly normal) appearance once. So I ended it.

A couple of years later, I met someone else who seemed keen but who started comparing me to other women and was embarrassed that his ex gf might see me (he was definitely single, I met his family and some friends) so we couldn't go out locally. So, after 3 months, I ended it.
I few years later, I went out with someone who would criticise and compare me to other women. Tell me how beautiful and sexy other women were but unable to tell I even looked nice when we went out for the evening. So I ended it.I tread carefully where relationships are concerned. I take them slowly. These are the ones who made it through the first few dates without similar red flags. Some would make these comments and criticisms from the first date.But I've never been out with anyone who didn't compare me to other women and find me lacking or criticise me for not being attractive or sexy enough. Or try and improve me on those grounds.Tonight, I'm ending another relationship and I'm really sad about it tbh. We get on so well. Everything has just fallen into place perfectly. We've been together over a year. But still the little comments have been there. Not direct comparisons to me but telling me X is really sexy/gorgeous/beautiful - women who are ina different league to me. Yes, he says those things to me but he has also asked me to dress up to be more sexy, to look like those other women he finds sexy. It's not about me, it's about me recreating what he finds sexy about other women because I'm not one of the women he finds sexy. He's never 'cruel' in how he says things but the comments are there nevertheless.I know that he loves me but I've just withdrawn and I can't do it anymore. I'm at the point of realising it has to be me. I see other women in relationships who aren't 'beautiful' or outwardly/obviously 'sexy'. So it's be me. Do other women experience similar? Are other women just more resilient than me and brush it off when their partners prefer other women to them? Or compare them? Or want to dress them up like someone they fancy? Do other women's partners/boyfriend's insist on walking ahead of them so other people don't realise they're together? Do other men position their partner's physically so that they look more appealing sexually to them? Or tell them what great bodies (big boobs, they're a person trainer and so really slim) their exes had? I think I'm reasonably attractive. I think I have a reasonably attractive body shape (size 12/14 hourglass), I'm educated, I have opinions, interests, hobbies but the constant criticisms and clear message that I'm not 'enough' over the years have made me 'small', anxious, self critical. I feel unattractive (as a whole person), inadequate, angry with myself. I feel disgusted and full of self loathing now.I suppose I just can't believe it's happened again. I'm never going to have that experience of feeling loved, safe and content. Of having a true relationship or partnership. I just can't believe that this is it.

It's no you OP - you have dated some twats! Have you met them online?

I've been in a similar frame of mind thinking it must be me because I've dated men who have been twats and haven't know what they wanted and messed me about. My god I could tell you some dating stories! Things like that can knock your self esteem.

I think you are doing well to have boundaries and not put up with things.

I would suggest you take some time out from dating and try and enjoy life and go back to it when you feel ready

@EveryNameIThinkOfIsTaken

So I watched it I could guess which he meant immediately. That was fine. I told him I'd seen it, we talked about it and he said. Yeah, I think she's really pretty.

isnt this a classic british understated compliment though? He thinks the person that reminds him of you is really pretty ie he finds you pretty?

Some brits are terrible at compliments. My own dad did not manage to say either that he thought I looked good / beautiful or that he loved me in his speech at my wedding.

he does love me (not sure I remember his saying that… ever though?) and he might have managed an awkward ‘you look nice’ as we set off for the ceremony. But he cannot get the words out for anything more than that.

my husband and friends made up for it, but really!

i don’t take it to heart but I’ve had a shit tonne of therapy, have strong self worth and don’t need other people to validate me.

No, he said her personality reminded him of me. The intonation on the pretty comment indicated that he thought she was pretty but I wasn't.

It had been a week in the set up too. He'd ony recommended it to me so he could point out that was pretty whereas I was not.

I don't want anyone else to validate me but if they could lay off telling how crap I am in comparison to anyone else, I'd appreciate that.

Most of my adult life has been time out from dating!

And no, I haven't met them online. I tried that for a few months once. Never again!

That last example sounds like a compliment to me. He asked you to watch a tv show because you reminded him strongly of the attractive actor?
Im no sort of apologist for men, I am mostly breathless at their entitlement and their willingness to judge women by impossible standards.
I am , however, thinking that your marriage was a really damaging experience for you and that somehow you have internalised this awful notion that you are someone men settle for, and then confirmation bias sets in. I wonder if you unconsciously set your partners the impossible challenge of only looking at you, no matter what.
My dh genuinely dotes on me, but hates it when I wear my carrot jeans and Birkenstocks. He just does not understand why I would want that silhouette. I tell him it’s my choice, and he agrees and then ponders wearing Jesus sandals with socks and driving gloves. I love my Dh, he’s not filmstar gorgeous, but he’s definitely ok. I tell him if something looks wrong, or he needs a hair cut, and he tells me, too. That is normal. He’s bought me ridiculous underwear that I very rarely wear. That’s normal too.
My Mum used to tell me that I could make more of myself, and I thought she was barmy. I knew I was ugly and hoped for love anyway, and found it. But I wasn’t ugly, I just thought I was, and stood and dressed and groomed myself accordingly.
I think I’m trying to tell you about 5 different things here, all of it meant kindly. Love yourself. Talk to him.

Do you really believe he recommended a programme to you, then was planning on waiting until you watched it, then told you she was pretty, then hoped you took it as ‘that means you aren’t’, just to have a dig at you?

That seems really unrealistic.

Him saying he thought she was pretty, does mean he is saying ‘which means you aren’t’.

But if you really think he is going to these lengths, you must believe he is a terrible person. Do you think that?

That last example sounds like a compliment to me. He asked you to watch a tv show because you reminded him strongly of the attractive actor?

No, it's hard to explain. I can't communicate the context effectively here. It wasn't a compliment.

He set it up to make it sound like it was going to be neutral or a compliment but it wasn't. He did it a few times but it was lockdown and we'd bubbled...

He told me I was pretty once when I was ill, my hair was greasy, I was wearing my awful and unflattering leggings and work hoody. That wasn't a compliment either. I looked dreadful. It was an attempt to throw me off kilter. He likes women who are beautiful, elegant, glamorous, made up, tall, beautiful, slim. Pretty much everything that is the opposite of me. I was under no illusion what he thought of me.

This was an ex.

Yes, I do think he did that.

We met through mutual friends. A couple of them told me after we'd split up that they were relieved because he'd done similar to a previous girlfriend and destroyed her self confidence.

OP, pretty sure you posted not long ago about the same situation. You got a lot of advice on that, your marriage sounds dreadful, but I think there are some issues with how you're seeing things. We all see partly reality and partly through a subjective filter. The guy telling you about the woman in the TV show. You saw it entirely through a filter of obviously not being pretty as compared to her. It could easily be interpreted by someone else as a favourable comparison. The guy telling you that you were beautiful when you wore hoody/greasy hair. You thought he was lying. Someone else might assume he means what he says. Your current fella mentioned what someone else wore and you're assuming he's comparing you and finding you lacking. Someone else could interpret it as him liking the outfit itself.

Any of us here might take those comments one way or another. And while you are welcome to leave partners, I'd definitely recommend changing the lens through which you view yourself as well, because it seems to always be self critical.

You'll have to just trust me that the man who recommended the TV programme and said I was pretty when I looked dreadful (was the same man) was not being complimentary. If those were the only examples then you ight have a point but there was a lot more to it than that.

As for the current man, he wasn't commenting on the outfit or saying I'd look good in it, he specifically asked me to dress like her because she was sexy. It wasn't about me, it was about her and repeating something that vaguely resembled her because he finds her sexy. It was nothing to do with me or him finding me attractive. And it's been 3 or 4 women now because they are sexy. Not because he thinks I'd look good.

It's a subtle but important difference.

Im making the above comments not just regarding this post but the previous ones I read and the themes in them. In your OP you asked "Are other women just more resilient than me and brush it off when their partners prefer other women to them? '

My answer to that is that the question is warped by the word 'prefer'. Most of us aren't model looks or tripping about in sexy lingerie 24/7. Would our partners find a model in lingerie 'attractive'? Probably 😂 does this mean they're spending time actively working to find us attractive? No. Or that they prefer model in magazine to us? No. For example, I think Gérard Butler is a bit of alright and I like how he dresses. Does my DP look like gerard butler? No. Do I fancy my dp more than gerard butler. 100%. My dp wears jeans and t-shirt all the time, id love to see him in a well cut suit. But not because I want him to become gerard butler.

Are you slightly intimidating OP? you sound rather self contained, like me.

Could these remarks be aimed at piercing your armour, bringing you down?

A form of negging?

It sounds like you have strong boundaries & know how you want to be treated. I think it's inspiring. You're just weeding out the wrong uns

I remember your previous posts as well. I mean this gently, but you appeared to have chronic low self esteem in them. @supercali77 is right that you have been seeing lots through a filter of low self worth and that has tainted how you think of things. I could be wrong, but I thought you said on that thread that your partner had asked you to dress up, and it’s seemed that you drew the interpretation that this meant that he didn’t find you sexy enough- not that he had said that, and you could not see at all how it could possibly mean anything different.

It sounds like a combination of picking partners that don’t deserve you and very low self esteem that colours everything that you are seeing and is causing negative thoughts about yourself in your mind. I hope you get some peace from this at some point

The greatest gift that I gave to myself, was not dating anyone for a year. It gave me time to realise that I was ok by myself and didn't need anyone. I read Mumsnet and learnt the rules for dating. I learnt to value myself. It's ok not to have a man in your life.

I reckon some men do this to women to destroy their self confidence and self esteem so they rely more on their man, or think they’re so lucky to be dating a man ‘out of their league’, so the man ends up feeling more secure in the relationship because the woman ends up feeling like she won’t ever get anyone better.

Ironically, it’s always the lesser good looking men who are like this.

One of my friends was dating someone like this. He’d always put her down and she begun thinking he was too good for her, so she went out of her way to make his life better so he’d never leave. At a wedding we were guests at he kept saying how one of the guests was so gorgeous etc. One of the mutual friends said ‘yeah, but she’d never even look at you in a million years’. When mutual friend’s husband (who none of us ever met) continued ‘I can’t even believe you managed to bag Rebecca (our friend). Felt like this really took him down a few pegs and in the end our lovely friend Bec did leave him.

It is gross. Patriarchy at its finest, comparing women against one another. Eugh. It’s not normal OP.

I reckon some men do this to women to destroy their self confidence and self esteem so they rely more on their man, or think they’re so lucky to be dating a man ‘out of their league’, so the man ends up feeling more secure in the relationship because the woman ends up feeling like she won’t ever get anyone better.

TV comment man was definitely doing this. I complimented him on his appearance on one occasion. He said he felt he ought to return the favour and told me my dress wasn't very flattering.

He wasn't doing it to make sure I didn't leave though. He did it because he felt entitled to a better quality of girlfriend. He was punishing me because he felt I was the best he could do with his own inadequacies. He despised me. I would have dumped him sooner but it was lockdown and eventually it just amused me that I elicited such loathing from him. He hated himself as least as much as he hated me.

The comments by this current man have just killed my libido tbh. We used to have sex all the time but now I can't bring myself to do it. I keep myself covered all the time, I'm no longer playful or flirty. When we have had sex, I haven't orgasmed recently. Not because of anything he is doing or not doing at the time but because I just feel so unattractive and wretched because of how his comments have made me feel.

He hasn't been cruel or unkind when he's said it. It just didn't need to be said. I know I'm not sexy or attractive. I don't need to be reminded of it and now I feel he doesn't find me attractive or sexy either when at least before I could tell myself that he did.

So if he was hoping it would be nice or fun or sexy or whatever its failed massively.

It's just killed everything.

Big hug. I know it doesn’t mean much but you are worth so much more. I’m sorry they’re all so mean.

OP when I was in my early twenties I was very conventionally attractive and would be getting complements from men on daily basis (I'm not bragging but it's important for what I'm trying to explain). I was with a man who although loved me and saw a future with me would constantly make negative comments about me. Either about my skin not being tanned enough, me not wearing clothes to his liking, comparing me to other women, including his exes. Anything he could pick on even if it wasn't really based in reality (for example i tan easily and was never pale in summer).
Some men are just like that! It's not about you and no one deserves that kind of treatment.

I think also some men end up in relationship even when they are not 100% in it so I would make sure it's someone who really likes you as a woman and as a person before committing to them.

I think also some men end up in relationship even when they are not 100% in it so I would make sure it's someone who really likes you as a woman and as a person before committing to them.

That's what makes this so hard.

He was that person. My ex husband was that person. Maybe less so the others.

My ex husband and I had been best friends for 9 years since school when we got together. We knew each other unside and out. We knew and liked each other as people.

This man, I've known for a few years. He can tell me things I said on certain occasions and what I was wearing at the time. He can pinpoint the moment he fell in love with me. He can tell me what he loves about me. He knew me well before we got together. We've learnt more about each other along the way and it was just getting better and better.

I think that's why it has floored me so much more this time than with any of the others.

If I'm not 'enough' for this man and how he behaves towards me, the way he speaks about me to others, what he does for me and how he treats me, then I'll never be enough for anyone.

It's not you OP there are a lot of unpleasant/abusive men. Just dump them ASAP when any red flags like this turn up. x

But every single and I've ever dated? From a single date onwards?

There can't he that many unpleasant/abusive men.

Is it not just possible that I'm just so unattractive and unsexy that every man will think that?

Everyone you've given a second and third strike to has turned out to be incompatible with you, haven't they? How much time and heartbreak would you have dropped them on the first strike?
I learned this lesson too. Not sure how old you are (sorry if I've missed it), but I was 46 when I realised that I didn't have to put up with any crap. I went online dating and rejected all advances that didn't blow my socks off, i.e. I didn't even respond. Finally, as I was about to terminate my subscription, my partner showed up, with a message that immediately made me go 'wow!', and I couldn't help responding. I've been 'wow'ing ever since, and we're very happy together. I could still be out there now, struggling and giving people chances when they've done the wrong thing by me.

I had multiple failed relationships, just like you, before that. I wondered if it was me. And it was. Ultimately, it was me who got me the relationship I want, too, by asserting my own boundaries, wants and needs. Of course it's you. You are the important thing here. Walking away is you at your best. Walk away from everyone who doesn't fill you with glee at every turn.
In short, raise your bar to the point where nobody but Mr Right gets a moment of your time. Mr Right won't show you any flags at all, of any colour.

Is it not just possible that I'm just so unattractive and unsexy that every man will think that

You're seeing it as if there's an objective 'attractive' and an objective 'sexy'. You are more attractive to some than others. Completely unappealing to some, and irresistible to others. There isn't an opinion that's the opinion of 'every man'. It's a certainty that you won't be able to raise your bar if you feel you're unattractive, though.