Is my ex a narcissist?

[Milly125]

We broke up but we are co parenting so still in touch. We broke up a month ago after being together 3 years and he already said on the phone he is seeing “other people” as in dating. It’s been a month! This guy who told me he loves me everyday for years has moved on within weeks. I was obviously annoyed by it because he’s already replacing me and I am still healing from the break up. I said I had an inkling he was speaking to other people cos I’ve seen him adding girls on social media. I said I might message to warn them that he is a narcissistic person. He said he doesn’t want me to interfere and started shouting at the top of his lungs over the phone. He said I am bullying and harassing him and he promises if I interfere he will call the police and report me for harassment and have it on my record.

He has fits of rage when he is angry. As in previously he has thrown stuff around, punched things or kicked things such as items of furniture, hes kicked holes through doors and walls, he will shout and yell at the top of his voice, swear at me e.g. “ugly bitch”. The arguments seems so simple like the one above. It doesn’t seem like a rational or normal response to such a small issue. I said to him no woman will tolerate his anger. I said he may be in the love bombing stages of the relationship but his true colours will show once the honeymoon phase is over. He said his anger isn’t that bad. He said all people have flaws that people learn to accept and live with, and his flaw is he gets angry quickly but it’s not that bad apparently. And apparently I’m the reason he gets so angry and he would never get that angry at other women he meets, because I’m the problem.

He said he was the BEST partner to me throughout the relationship and it’s my loss that we’re no longer together. He genuinely doesn’t seen an issue in his behaviour. He honestly thinks he can do no wrong. Like he thinks he is perfect, he literally won’t fault himself. If I try to talk to him about something I’m upset about, he tells me I’m always unhappy about things and criticising him and starting arguments and I’m ungrateful. I mean, he threatened to call the police on ME when I could have called the police on him several times when he’s hit me or broken stuff in my house, but I haven’t! I couldn’t believe he would stoop that low as to threaten the mother of his child with the police just so I leave him alone. Overreaction much?

But here’s the catch, he is extremely helpful to those around him! He does anything to help anyone, give the homeless guy change, do DIY for free around peoples houses, offer to give people lifts to places, very sociable and can hold a conversation with others well. So no one would believe me! I don’t think anyone will know the person he can be until they live with him and see for themselves! Particularly if he is angry or an argument arises.

Is this guy a narcissist? I keep watching videos on narcissistic traits and I feel like he has them. But I’m not sure since he’s convinced me that I’ve caused him to have so much anger. I’m just trying to understand why he is the way he is. I think he has narcissistic personality?

Sounds like it, they like to be centre of attention and nice to those around them on a superficial level, until you've formed a close bond then the true colours show.

Don't fuel the fire, best to leave him to and move on like you no longer care.

Ha sounds like my ex!

But honestly does it matter? I stopped trying to figure out why he behaved as he did. And just settled with because he is a horrible prick. You will never ever know whats going on in his head, don't try and figure it out because you will send yourself around the twist. My friend spent months - it makes absolutely no difference - they are still pricks.

BUT you can work on you - spend that time working on you.

You two seem to have a very unhealthy codependent relationship (since we're all throwing psychological terminology into the discussion)

He absolutely should file a harassment report if you begin stalking innocent women in his life.

If he treated you badly, you should have gone to the Police, but alas, you didn't. Now it's time to move on.

Why are you still on the phone with him? Weird.

Look, it sounds really likely that he is… the anger, the extreme thinking, blaming you for his inability to manage his emotions, the performance of generous acts for people who don’t actually spend much/any intimate time with him… all classic narcissism flags.

But the thing is, you are not qualified to diagnose and chances are extremely slim that a) he will ever voluntarily go for treatment and b) he would tell you even if he was diagnosed. So you could drive yourself nuts trying to figure out “Is he really? Is he not? Is it me?” And you are doing yourself and your child absolutely no favours by acting like you are qualified to diagnose your ex and confronting him with accusations of narcissism.

You also really need to emotionally distance yourself from his relationships with other women. You have separated, and as much as it may feel shocking and hurtful that he is back out there, it is not your right to police his relationships and trying to do so will only cause conflict. Step back and let him fuck them up on his own.

My ex actually did get a diagnosis but I have found it far more helpful to think of him as a High Conflict Person (Google it) and use the strategies recommended for dealing with a High Conflict Person with him. You have a child with him so unless you want your life to be a stressful and toxic rollercoaster, you have to level up your own conflict management skills. You won’t be able to avoid all stress but you can minimize it.

So I shouldn’t warn these women that he’s hit me and trashed my house? Why is giving them a warning considered stalking and harassment? I’m on the phone with him because as I have written we are co parenting so will be still in contact

This. Stop threatening to interfere in his life , it’s over move on.

You really think they'll believe you?
Your reasoning in wanting to contact those innocent women is more than obvious.

This guy who told me he loves me everyday for years has moved on within weeks. I was obviously annoyed by it because he’s already replacing me and I am still healing from the break up.

IF children are really involved, I hope you BOTH get help. Soon

For starters - this term is thrown around way too much. And no one can diagnose anyone from a post. And, more importantly - it doesn’t change anything.

You two seem to have had a dysfunctional relationship.
You have broken up.
I think - for your own sake - you need to find a way to deal with it.

It’s really unhealthy, and plain wrong to threaten him with reaching out to people he dates. It’s harassment.
It’s his business how he chooses to move on - some people jump back into dating, not because they are over the relationship, but to try to get over. Men do that more than women.

You can’t control what he does. You need to find a way to start distancing yourself.

I did a Claire’s law check and seen his history of abuse against women which is why I left. I never reported him myself for the sake of dc, wouldn’t want SS involvement etc. So let the future women be abused? Don’t tell them to run a Claire’s law check for themselves or about how he’s treated me?

Quite annoyed how people on MN encouraged me to leave my relationship because it is “toxic and abusive” I was told. Told me I was a bad parent if I allowed my dc to live in an abusive environment. Told me to do a Claire’s law. Even though I didn’t really want to leave personally because I wanted my dc to have two parents under one roof and was managing tolerating the abuse quite well. And now that I’ve left and trying to unpick and make sense of the relationship in order to heal, I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t have even left. That this man will quite possibly go on to date and lead a new life with someone else when that easily could have been me and my dc if it wasn’t for people telling me to leave

I did a Claire’s law check and seen his history of abuse against women which is why I left. I never reported him myself for the sake of dc, wouldn’t want SS involvement etc. So let the future women be abused? Don’t tell them to run a Claire’s law check for themselves or about how he’s treated me?

Your desire for other women not to go through what you went through is understandable but that is what Clare's Law disclosures are for - to give women who wish to inform themselves about the men they are dating.

It is actually not your responsibility to 'protect' other women, it is their own responsibility to protect themselves by doing due diligence on men they get involved with, like you presumably could have done before you had a child with this guy.

Stalking his social media and contacting people who he may or may not be dating, and threatening to do so in order to prevent him from forming new relationships will, I'm sorry to say, be regarded by the police as harassment against him. Probably not of the women, but your ex would certainly have a case to bring against you. So for your own good, you need to stop right now.

It's shit, I understand that, but you do not have a right to interfere in your ex's relationships.

Stop being overly dramatic. Nobody's giving you gold stars for doing the responsible thing and protecting your children.

I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t have even left.

This drip feeding with the Claire's Law information is very opportune, especially how your original post was very obviously abour your hurt feelings and him moving on. Which begs the question..WHY are you grieving over a man THAT dangerous?

Yeah. You need help.

And now that I’ve left and trying to unpick and make sense of the relationship in order to heal, I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t have even left.

Where are you getting this from, literally nobody has said you shouldn't have left. You did the right thing in leaving. But you are not doing the right thing by trying to stay involved in your ex's love life.

That this man will quite possibly go on to date and lead a new life with someone else when that easily could have been me and my dc if it wasn’t for people telling me to leave.

He CAN go on and lead a new life. That is his right, unfair as it might feel. The reality is that he will most likely continue to be abusive and his 'new life' that starts out looking wonderful will end up looking exactly like his previous abusive relationships, including the one he had with you. The idea that he is going to suddenly change and have a loving and healthy relationship with anyone, including you, without recognition of his need to change and serious therapy for years is an absolute fantasy.

You need to focus on yourself and your child, not him as YOU CANNOT CHANGE OR HELP HIM. I strongly suggest getting some personal counselling about this. You've been through something very stressful but you will not resolve it by trying to exact vengeance on your ex.

“WHY are you grieving over a man THAT dangerous?“

It’s called love hun. Look it up
also he is the father of my child so I would have tolerated the abusive behaviour to ensure my child has a father in their life. Now he is busy with other people and barely has time to see his child thanks to the advise that I’ve been given on here to get away

It's not healthy for the two of you to be discussing dating like you are friends and not hostile exes.

If he starts telling you about his dating life again, you need to shut it down. A good phrase to use would be "I don't think we are really in a place where it's going to be productive for us to talk about our dating lives. I'm not interested in knowing about your dating life or in sharing details mine. Let's just focus on our child."

And people are acting like it’s perfectly acceptable for him to start a new love life and leave his child without a father? I am having to beg and plead with him to see his child for even one day a week because he is too busy leading a new life. Neither does he pay maintenance. What if I can’t cope with the child and can’t cope with full custody? Why is it the man who gets to trot off and do whatever and the mother left holding the kids?

No babes. Love is what you -ideally- feel for your children, which would lead you to make decisions that would keep them safe. The very fact you still refuse to acknowledge that raising your children in what you state was an abusive relationship, albeit only towards you, underscores how deeply dysfunctional your perception of what a healthy relationship ought to look like.

He is the way he is because he is an aggressive bullying bastard.

You're not the problem - he is, so count yourself lucky you have escaped. If I were you, I would stop all but totally necessary contact to do with the dc.

At least when I was in that relationship there were two parents looking after the child. The narcissistic abusive man who led me to leave the relationship can happily go about living a single life whilst the mother who’s trying her best and struggling to cope on her own now becomes responsible for full custody of the children? Don’t know how that is fair. I left, yes cos he was abusive towards me, but never towards the child so I left thinking we’d split parenting 50/50. But not the case at all. He’s swanning off and it’s just me left to raise the child on my own

That’s the thing. I try to contact regarding the child and he is telling me he is too busy meeting people to even bother with his kid. So by leaving the relationship my child has lost contact with its father

And people are acting like it’s perfectly acceptable for him to start a new love life and leave his child without a father? I am having to beg and plead with him to see his child for even one day a week because he is too busy leading a new life. Neither does he pay maintenance. What if I can’t cope with the child and can’t cope with full custody? Why is it the man who gets to trot off and do whatever and the mother left holding the kids?

Nobody is saying that he is doing a good or healthy thing by rushing right out and distracting himself from the reality that his behaviour has ruined yet another relationship by leaping into another doomed relationship. He sounds like a shit father and it's clear he wasn't any better as a father when he was with you and creating a dangerous home environment by shouting and yelling and smashing furniture. That's a terrible and toxic place for a child to grow up, and it will do your child untold damage.

All anyone is saying is that you don't have the right to try to control who your ex dates or how he chooses to parent. It's a bitter pill to swallow, believe me I know first hand.

The reality is that anyone can do whatever they like in life, which is absolutely not to say that all choices are good/morally right/healthy. Many choices that seem repugnant to normal people (lying, cheating, abandoning children) are not against the law.

You, for example, could roll up to your ex's new house, drop your child at the door and vanish for good. Of course you wouldn't but you would be within the law to do so.

Your ex could deal with you taking off without paying a cent by attempting to secure child maintenance through official channels, which you should 100 percent do yourself in your situation. But the very sad reality is that you can't force someone to be an involved parent, you can't force someone to control their temper, you can't force someone to respect marriage vows and not cheat and you can't force someone to act with kindness and love. These are choices that people have to make for themselves.

So I’ll drop dc on his doorstep then, knock and run then if that’s the case. Because that is a way to force him to parent if he isn’t voluntarily. He agreed to have dc and now he needs to take care of dc too. If it’s perfectly fine for him to go out to find new relationships without being judged, then it’s perfectly fine for me to do that too.

That’s the thing. I try to contact regarding the child and he is telling me he is too busy meeting people to even bother with his kid. So by leaving the relationship my child has lost contact with its father

Honestly, given he is clearly so immensely selfish and abusive, I struggle to believe that he was actually a wonderful, involved and equal parent when he was living with you. Be honest with yourself. How great, REALLY was he when you were together?

If he was shouting and smashing furniture in the house, your child will have been aware of it and harmed by his abuse even if it wasn't directed at them.

And no, it's not fair. Life isn't fair. You can't make it completely fair. All you can do is use the legal resources you have access to in order to reduce any unfairness to a certain degree (eg pursuing a child maintenance claim, pursuing a parenting order). But at some point you also have to face the unfair reality that you had a child with a selfish abusive man and he's never going to be the partner or parent that you and you child deserve.

Dc wasn’t in the room when he lashed out. Also he doesn’t lash out at others, that’s why I said he is helpful and friendly, so I don’t think he would pose any risk to child. he did seem a loving father so that’s why I’m shocked he’s shut us both out. His violence only is towards women he forms relationships with. When leaving I’d presumed he would happily split custody 50/50. Didn’t think he’d abandon the child too. If I knew he would do that I would have just shut up and put up. I’m trying to understand his reasoning and his mental state to understand why he’s abandoned both

So I’ll drop dc on his doorstep then, knock and run then if that’s the case. Because that is a way to force him to parent if he isn’t voluntarily. He agreed to have dc and now he needs to take care of dc too. If it’s perfectly fine for him to go out to find new relationships without being judged, then it’s perfectly fine for me to do that too.

Well as long as you actually hand your child over to him and don't leave your child unattended on the doorstep then yes, you can do that if you want.

But then you would essentially be making your child a pawn in your relationship and would be acting just as poorly as he is. Is that what you want? A toxic competition to see who can get away with the worst behaviour with your helpless child stuck in the middle?

If you did that, your ex would then also be well within his rights to apply for full custody on the grounds that you are being an unfit mother which could potentially result in you having little contact with your child on a permanent basis.

You can judge him in your own mind as a shallow person and rubbish parent for ditching his child in order to dive into dating all you like. I personally am judging him that way. But for fuck's sake, DO NOT FOLLOW HIS LEAD. Show some dignity, some self-restraint and put your child first.