Is my ex a narcissist?

[Milly125]

We broke up but we are co parenting so still in touch. We broke up a month ago after being together 3 years and he already said on the phone he is seeing “other people” as in dating. It’s been a month! This guy who told me he loves me everyday for years has moved on within weeks. I was obviously annoyed by it because he’s already replacing me and I am still healing from the break up. I said I had an inkling he was speaking to other people cos I’ve seen him adding girls on social media. I said I might message to warn them that he is a narcissistic person. He said he doesn’t want me to interfere and started shouting at the top of his lungs over the phone. He said I am bullying and harassing him and he promises if I interfere he will call the police and report me for harassment and have it on my record.

He has fits of rage when he is angry. As in previously he has thrown stuff around, punched things or kicked things such as items of furniture, hes kicked holes through doors and walls, he will shout and yell at the top of his voice, swear at me e.g. “ugly bitch”. The arguments seems so simple like the one above. It doesn’t seem like a rational or normal response to such a small issue. I said to him no woman will tolerate his anger. I said he may be in the love bombing stages of the relationship but his true colours will show once the honeymoon phase is over. He said his anger isn’t that bad. He said all people have flaws that people learn to accept and live with, and his flaw is he gets angry quickly but it’s not that bad apparently. And apparently I’m the reason he gets so angry and he would never get that angry at other women he meets, because I’m the problem.

He said he was the BEST partner to me throughout the relationship and it’s my loss that we’re no longer together. He genuinely doesn’t seen an issue in his behaviour. He honestly thinks he can do no wrong. Like he thinks he is perfect, he literally won’t fault himself. If I try to talk to him about something I’m upset about, he tells me I’m always unhappy about things and criticising him and starting arguments and I’m ungrateful. I mean, he threatened to call the police on ME when I could have called the police on him several times when he’s hit me or broken stuff in my house, but I haven’t! I couldn’t believe he would stoop that low as to threaten the mother of his child with the police just so I leave him alone. Overreaction much?

But here’s the catch, he is extremely helpful to those around him! He does anything to help anyone, give the homeless guy change, do DIY for free around peoples houses, offer to give people lifts to places, very sociable and can hold a conversation with others well. So no one would believe me! I don’t think anyone will know the person he can be until they live with him and see for themselves! Particularly if he is angry or an argument arises.

Is this guy a narcissist? I keep watching videos on narcissistic traits and I feel like he has them. But I’m not sure since he’s convinced me that I’ve caused him to have so much anger. I’m just trying to understand why he is the way he is. I think he has narcissistic personality?

So he will get full custody with a police record of abuse? Yeah right.

Dc wasn’t in the room when he lashed out. Also he doesn’t lash out at others, that’s why I said he is helpful and friendly, so I don’t think he would pose any risk to child.

Okay, well, delude yourself all you like that a child can't hear an adult losing their shit in another room or that mum 'putting up and shutting up' with dad's abuse is a healthy relationship model for your child to grow up with.

(You do understand that if your child is a girl, she'll learn that an abusive partner is what she deserves, and if your child is a boy, he'll learn that it's fine to abuse his partner... right?)

Not to mention he is on the child barring list which means his banned from regulated activity with children. He cannot work in schools etc. so even though it doesn’t stop him from being around his own children or children within his family, I doubt someone with a record of abuse against women and child barring would be granted full custody

So he will get full custody with a police record of abuse? Yeah right.

What do you honestly want from this thread? Permission to be just as much of a shit parent as your toxic ex is? Nobody can give that to you. You can give it to yourself, but don't expect anyone here to think any better of you than we think of your ex.

He sounds like my 'D'P apart from the kicking/punching holes in things. My GP and Women's Aid have told me he is abusive, so yes, I believe your ex is too. It's not your fault. I would advise contacting Women's Aid. They will help you understand it. In my area they do a course called Keys to Freedom. That is most probably what you need. Hopefully they do it where you live too. Good luck.

Do you have dc too with your abusive ex? If so how do you co parent? Does he prioritise new relationships over his duty to dc?

Not to mention he is on the child barring list which means his banned from regulated activity with children. He cannot work in schools etc. so even though it doesn’t stop him from being around his own children or children within his family, I doubt someone with a record of abuse against women and child barring would be granted full custody

If he is such a risk to children that he’s not allowed to be around any who aren’t blood relations (though why blood relations are considered magically immune to his abusive tendencies I do not know), then I think you should consider his lack of interest in spending time with your child to be a blessing in disguise.

Honestly, you would benefit vastly from spending a lot of time speaking with womens and childrens advocacy services. Your boundaries are totally shot to pieces and although your frustration and disappointment are 100 percent understandable, the ways you are trying to address it are unworkable and unhealthy. Please please seek some real-life help and advice and empower yourself by claiming child maintenance and reporting him under Clare’s Law at the very least.

@Milly125 yes we have DCs together but they are grown up. Also, we are still together. I have only just realized that I am being abused. Looking for a way out.

Woah. Your life choices. Don't blame Mumsnet.

I’m so sorry. I can feel your pain. You were so attached to him and are now questioning everything, regretting leaving him because the thought of him with others gives you so much pain and makes you sick to the stomach. I fully understand the grief you are experiencing. You’ve said you were tolerating his abuse just fine before you were encouraged here to leave him, and how these women- it could have been you. Please honey don’t do this to yourself. It’s so easy for you to grieve and think of what you loved about him, and the bond you had right? But you’ve said enough here that shows he IS dangerous, fickle, controlling and trust me, it will only get worse not better. If he can move on just like that, alongside all the other negatives. he is not a good bet. Having two parents under one roof is the ideal, but not the ideal if they are witnessing abuse and their home being smashed up right? At the moment you are still very much under the conditioning of accepting whatever, as long as he’s with you. But you can find real happiness, and this is the beginning of that. The very real and painful beginning where you need to sort through a lot of emotions and the trauma bonding that has taken place here. You need to be strong and happy for your children and you never will be with him. You need to write a list for a better you, think health and fitness and routine and kids activities. Do things to change stuff. If you’re still living in the place you shared, redecorate if you can, move things around, create a totally new life. Can anyone help you with the kids so you can have some time out to grieve this before you begin a new and different life. Don’t take him back please, he’s not even repentant, and he won’t change. You could end up dead and your children without either parent. He is a damaged man who is not a good protector and by default neither is he a good father. You need a strong man, of any, but not right now. Right now you need inner peace and healing. Build up your circle and see the beauty in other people, you won’t have a happy life in that situation. Go to your local church, community group, learn a new skill. Literally change the life you have now to become something so different that he fades away as he was never a part of it. Sending love and prayers

you also don’t need to be discussing personal stuff with him, seems he’s getting a kick out of hurting you, and punishing you for the separation. And it’s working as you’re considering taking him back just so he’s not with someone else. It’s tricky with an abuser wanting to warn other women, obviously you don’t want them to go through that. But if you’re honest that’s not your motive right now. Your motive right now is you don’t want anyone else to have him and you want to scare them off. This won’t end well for you. You need to protect yourself and your children right now

Rather than focusing on him let it go, yes it will take time but let it go..you will feel happier. What he does now is not your business. Be good parents and other than let let him go and do what he wants. No point watching videos,threatening to eat girls know etc..Let it go

I was told to leave him on here because he is toxic and abusive. I was happy to put up with it until I was talking out of doing so

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think you are understandably angry and feel injusticed and are grasping around for something/someone to blame.

Situations like yours are so hard, and I would think you are feeling really salty about the fact that you and your child have been left suffering and he has just scanned off with what appears to be not a care in the world. It will all feel so bloody unfair right now.

You have every right to be angry, but that anger will need managing, or else it will poison you from within. It won't feel like it now, but in time you will realise that even though none of this is fair or makes any sense, it is simply the way things worked out, as much as you so badly wanted things to work, some things just don't.

It might be a good idea to find a counsellor to explore this anger with, because there is nothing worse than being stuck in a bitter cycle of hurt and blame, but it does need to go somewhere. Venting your anger to a counsellor is likely to help.

Well there we are then. Perhaps in the long run, the dc will be better off not having this obnoxious person in their life.

Yes and him being that way with your child, is NOT your fault! You made the right decision. If he doesn’t step up, that’s HIS decision, and his future relationship with his child.

could be a 'covert" narcissist, there are lots of articles about covert narcissism, might be worth reading.

What do you seriously want from this thread OP. He sounds like a dick but you sound exhausting.

You can't make someone be a parent. It's shit if he's washed his hands of his child but you can't change that. Apply for CMS and get on with your new life.

Some of you seriously lack empathy. What she’s going through is painful and she has a lot of doubts and fears. If you don’t have any empathy or kindness why bother commenting

Your child is not without a father. You are without a partner. There is a difference.

Why are you wasting your time trying to analyze and diagnose someone who has moved on to another.

You are no longer in a relationship with him and that seems fortunate, but you are seemingly obsessed with him and that is unfortunate.

You do not need to be warning anyone about him. Maybe, you should try getting some therapy to help you let go of your obsession with this man.

You will be in a co- parenting relationship assuming that he is interested in maintaining his relationship with his child, but that should be the extent of your involvement with him.

His relationship with his new partner is really none of your concern. He may be a person who believes that you should verbally profess love to whomever you are with at the moment, but it may well go no deeper than that. In any case , his behavior is no longer your concern.

Dear @Milly125 ,
Yes he sounds narcissistic. Check out covert narcissist or passive aggressive narcissist. Also look up George Simon who has written an excellent book about how people like your ex operate, called Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. Patrick Doyle also has some videos on you tube that nail emotional abuse.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You may have PTSD from the trauma of his abusive behaviour, as well as suffering the effects of his gaslighting, plus the huge grief of losing the dream of family you wanted for your child, plus the injustice of being left to parent alone and pick up the pieces for your child. That is a LOT to deal with.

Co-parenting isn't possible with an abusive, narcissistic ex. The alternative is parallel parenting with minimal contact. Ideally you go as close to no-contact as you can. He will continue to harm you the more contact you have. Eg. telling you he has moved on so quickly is abusive as it devalues the relationship you had with him, as well as the fact you share a child. It is deeply hurtful and he will be aware of this.

One way to limit contact is to set up a new email address specifically for the purpose of communicating with him, and check at a set time, like once a week. Let him know he can reach you there and block all other communications. His behaviour sounds narcissistic, callous and cruel. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

Yes the trauma of dealing with a narcissistic partner who doesn’t care and watching the whole world crumble around you, while trying to manage your emotions, which you feel deeply as an functioning genuine human being, and the effects of the gaslighting and other behaviours he’s no doubts exposed you to, is no joke.

I’m glad someone put it so eloquently @3487642l