My mum doesn't want to talk to me

[palia]

I have a great relationship with my mum when in person. To me she is one of the most fascinating people as she has done so much in her life. Despite everyone thinking she is a people person this she is a big introvert.

I work from home and I live alone. I love my job and when I did do hybrid and go into the office I really didn't enjoy it and I love working from home.

I wouldn't say that I'm lonely as I have friends and we meet up but I really love my mums company and want to spend time with her.

We live on opposite ends of the country so I often FaceTime her.

When I do I am welcomed by 'I can only be two minutes as I'm in the middle of something what do you want?'

I really just want to chat away with her for an hour. I have so much to share.

Sometimes I call and shes on a long call with her friends that can last longer than two hours. I would love to have two hours of her time.

I have tried talking just about her/her favourite topics but I find that unless I am able to really hook her favourite topic on the right day, she finds an excuse to leave the conversation after five minutes.

I think I am an interesting person and I do lots of interesting things I would have thought my mum found interesting e.g. launched a magazine, do freelance writing, travel, gardening.

My mum is retired so no full time job just lots of interesting projects.

I just feel so rejected that I am not interesting enough for my mum to want to spend time with me.

I did call her out on it and she just said that shes very busy.

Some people love just sitting chatting.
I do like to face to face , if I'm in the mood. But I HATE a FaceTime conversations.
All of my family do it all of the time. They all live geographically quite close but insist on FaceTime calls.
I refuse to pick up if it's face time

That's extremely sad, I lost my mum last Christmas and we called each other several times per day for silly stuff and I saw her regularly.
I'm sorry you're feeling Thai way your mum should definitely make time for you especially when she's fully aware your reaching out for contact

Weirdly I can talk to my mum in person for hours but not on facetime. You do sound a bit in awe of her which isn't necessarily wrong but seems a but strange to me. Perhaps she feels you put her under too much pressure having topics to discuss rather than a quick hello how are you call. Why not try a quick phone call every couple of days and see how that goes.

There is something off in the dynamic you describe. She has time for long conversations with friends but not for her daughter. Equally I find how awestruck you are about her a little off.

I can’t help wondering if she was a bit narcissistic when you were growing up to be honest but I realise that gets bandied around MN quite a bit but something seems off.

I am sorry op. This must be very hurtful. If she is willing to sit and chat to friends for hours I don’t understand why she wouldn’t enjoy a long chat with you.

This is no excuse but do you think you have established a proper new adult to adult relationship with her? Or is she still thinking of you as a child to whom she has to give advice and guide?

You shouldn’t have to, but instead of challenging her on it, why not just write her a card saying you would love to chat with her some time when she has some time? That might make her think a bit!

I have a family member who is very much like this. She is very objective focused and packs a lot in to her day. I know she loves me and we have a good relationship but she manages to get a lot done precisely because she doesn’t spend a lot of time chatting. In one way that is precisely what makes her an impressive person and on the other hand, I sometimes wonder where that leaves family members on her priority list. Very few people have time to chat for hours though!

It’s a difficult one that’s for sure but I wouldn’t necessarily take how long she is prepared to chat for as indicative of how much she loves you or not. She may see her priorities differently in that she would immediately jump on a train or plane and come and see you if you were really in difficulty for example. But she doesn’t see chatting on the phone as a priority. But that doesn’t explain her chatting with friends!

Sorry op that’s not very helpful but hope you can resolve the issue.

She is gentle, kind, friendly, interesting and sweet. Definitely not narcissitic.

She will FaceTime her friends for over two hours so it's not a hate of FaceTime.

I know for sure she absolutely loves me so much. I am just so disappointed that I am not interesting enough for her, when I think I lead a very interesting life. I have analyzed our conversations and the way I talk and I don't think I am doing anything out the ordinary for a mother daughter relationship. As in I'm not constantly ranting, talking about myself, complaining. I would just love it if she just called me for a chat or to see how I was. She probably doesn't becuase I try and call her every other day and we speak for 5 minutes so she sees that as 'talking to me multiple times a week.'

I think it is that she does see me as someone younger that she can't give advice to despite being in late 20s.

What's she like face to face? Maybe if you plan a few long weekends?

Do you agree a time to call or text first to check she's free to talk? If someone calls me randomly, I rarely have time to talk for hours then and there. It sounds like she has a busy, full life and is enjoying her retirement. Could you text her and say 'Mum, I'd love to have a good catch up, when would be a good time to chat?'

I have tried that although it doesn't really work for either of us

Why not say you anyways seem so busy but I'd love to have a long chat / catch up with you, when works for you? And book in a time. Then she can't use the excuse she's busy. Also I don't mean this to sound harSh but maybe the things you find interesting to chat about aren't interesting to her? I've got a friend that I love dearly but on FaceTime she can literally prattle on for half an hour about an incident at work or a doctors appointment and I simply don't have time or energy for that , especially if she springs a FaceTime on me . However I do have a young baby so my free time is particularly precious right now!

How often do you try to ring her?

I try and ring her every other day.

And I have tried the approach of booking in a time, but honestly it doesn't always work for me and my mum will avoid it as she avoids most commitments.

When I have done that it's more of a checklist catch up that lasts only 10 minutes rather than 5. I want to tuck into a conversation and feel that she wants to spend the time with me. Unfortunately I just don't think thats the case unless im there in person.

Firstly I hate hate face time but will tolerate it will not close friends as I need to develop boundaries and not do so but I will not do it with family.

I would schedule a time for a chat with your Mom maybe over voice rather than facetime and suggest a cup tea/coffee/hot chocolate/facemask/glass of wine etc.

You mention you live alone etc. Do you tend to vent to your Mom. I know this is horrible but I have a close friend who moved far away, every single time she rings the first 20 mins of the call is about how she regrets the move, the snobby neighbours, the difficulty in getting basic things done like signing up for a mobile phone contract, gov services etc. Then she asks for updates on anyone we know in common. I know she does not realise it but it is so draining so sometimes I tend to keep the phonecalls short and sweet.

I wonder if it feels too pressured and unnatural? When my DD lived away and used to visit I'd find it quite stressful at times as there felt a pressure to 'entertain' each other, making conversation rather than it just flowing organically with silence when there was nothing to say, as it had when she lived here. She's back now and we're back to easy interactions.
So I wonder if the formality of an agreed time to talk, remotely at that, feels a bit forced? If it were me I'd lower my expectations and do the short check in calls, then if there was actually something to say, let that flow and the call may up being longer.

IMO FaceTime is an evil invention and very unnatural. There are some people I just don't want to FaceTime, even though I love them dearly. Other people I will FaceTime but even though I may look like I am enjoying it, I really would much prefer just to meet up with them.
Maybe stop the every other day calling and just call your mum weekly for a long chat, could you go and visit her more often or invite her to you? Have quality rather than quantity?
Who moved away from the other? Did you move away, and her life remained where it was?
Not everyone likes the falseness of FT, even if they might seem they do.

This has happened to me over the past few years. I'll often ring my mum and she won't reply until the next day. Im heavily pregnant!

When she says she only has 2 mins - say OK no problem, call me back when you have time for a chat.

I hate to facetime my daughter. I hate texting her. I'd absolutely love to have a phone conversation with her but whenever I try to call her (outside work hours), she's out for a run or busy. She loves me, we get on really well when we see each other, but she lives on the other side of the country so we don't see each other a lot....I'm not a needy mother, have lots of interests, and never tell her how I feel as I don't want to guilt trip her, but I miss her.

I feel your pain OP, I used to be very close to my mum when I lived at home, we would talk all the time, go on city breaks, spas etc. Now she doesn’t speak to me for weeks, I call her sometimes for a chat, but she only ever calls me when she wants me to do something or answer a question (which isn’t often). I arranged a day out with her and said I wanted to be close again and she never reached out to arrange another one, I asked her why, she apologised said she would, but still hasn’t so I’ve not pushed it. I’m very envious of people who have close relationships with their mums. What hurts the most is she is very close to my SIL, they talk regularly, so it’s not like she’s too busy.

Maybe call her once a week op and see what happens then? Each to their own but every other day seems quite a lot.

Perhaps she is like my DM.
My sister and I tried to organise meeting up with her but her reply was 'I prefer the company of people my own age'.
My sister used to phone her every Sunday. Dm would never have phoned independently, unless she wanted something.

She might just be busy and a bit stressed?

Maybe call her less and let her instigate more? Aim for less often but higher quality conversations - maybe she just doesn't have much to say if you only spoke a day or so ago?

Or would she never call you?

I would try calling less but at an arranged time. Not in a formal way, but maybe agree that Sunday afternoon is best or similar. I imagine the long call with friends was planned if there were a number of them on the line.

Otherwise, I think you should plan to visit more, call less. Nothing can replace actual face time anyway.

I would say every second day is a lot , particularly if your Mum is very busy. Try every couple of weeks. Keep it light and breezy. Concentrate on friends instead.