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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mum doesn't want to talk to me

44 replies

palia · 26/01/2023 17:09

I have a great relationship with my mum when in person. To me she is one of the most fascinating people as she has done so much in her life. Despite everyone thinking she is a people person this she is a big introvert.

I work from home and I live alone. I love my job and when I did do hybrid and go into the office I really didn't enjoy it and I love working from home.

I wouldn't say that I'm lonely as I have friends and we meet up but I really love my mums company and want to spend time with her.

We live on opposite ends of the country so I often FaceTime her.

When I do I am welcomed by 'I can only be two minutes as I'm in the middle of something what do you want?'

I really just want to chat away with her for an hour. I have so much to share.

Sometimes I call and shes on a long call with her friends that can last longer than two hours. I would love to have two hours of her time.

I have tried talking just about her/her favourite topics but I find that unless I am able to really hook her favourite topic on the right day, she finds an excuse to leave the conversation after five minutes.

I think I am an interesting person and I do lots of interesting things I would have thought my mum found interesting e.g. launched a magazine, do freelance writing, travel, gardening.

My mum is retired so no full time job just lots of interesting projects.

I just feel so rejected that I am not interesting enough for my mum to want to spend time with me.

I did call her out on it and she just said that shes very busy.

OP posts:

Godislaughingatme · 26/01/2023 22:11

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Godislaughingatme · 26/01/2023 22:16

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category12 · 26/01/2023 22:21

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I don't think that's fair - OP wants to chat for an hour or more every other day. It's a lot really.

As an introvert, i'd find it quite demanding of my mental energy. I'd also find it difficult to find stuff to talk about without it getting very repetitious.

I mean, a longer conversation once a week or a few minutes alternate days would work for me, but it's a lot of chit-chat otherwise.

Original poster

palia · 26/01/2023 22:25

I tried waiting for her to call and we didnt talk for three weeks it made me so sad.

I have friends who speak to their mums every day, this would be ideal but even a couple of times a week.

OP posts:

Noicant · 26/01/2023 22:28

Call less, maybe once a week, Give her a chance to miss you and for you to have something to talk about, people rarely have a genuine catch up after 48 hours. Also what was her relationship with her parents like? Maybe you want her to be a friend and she sees herself as your mum if you see what I mean? i don’t think it’s something you can “call her out” for. It makes you seem demanding, perhaps she envisaged that as an adult you would be a bit more independent from her? I’m sorry if that sounds mean but you seem to have put your mum on a pedestal and seem to need quite frequent contact from her.

Cornelious2011 · 26/01/2023 22:32

If you want a long call with her then I'd try and arrange a mutual good time. It's prob what she does with her other friends especially if they live abroad. Alternatively could you not go and stay with her and work from her home but have time together?

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/01/2023 22:35

This is really sad. I think you should write her a message saying that you would love to have a long chat to her, but she always seems too busy to talk to you. Tell her when you are free and ask her to book you in. It's usually the other way around with Mums wanting to talk to their daughters. It's very sad that it's this way round.

UpUpAndAwol · 26/01/2023 22:39

I would dial back the calling. There is only so much rejection a person can take.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2023 23:06

It all sounds very intense and unnatural.
Thinking about her favourite topics and planning what to talk about.

Just go with light hearted chatting about life (yours and hers) rather than topics

LightSpeeds · 26/01/2023 23:16

Something about your whole description of your relationship doesn't sound right. You make her sound wonderful - but the way she treats you sounds hurtful and distant.

What was your relationship like when you were a child? Was it better/closer than it is now?

I think you should just tell her how you feel and what you would like from her - see how she reacts. I suspect she isn't the wonderful person you think (or are hoping) she is. At least not in terms of being a loving, interested and supportive mother.

Sushi4Dins · 26/01/2023 23:41

I think you need to take several steps back. I’m sure your mother loves you very much, but most people don’t speak to their parents or their DC every other day. And certainly not for an hour. A few people might, but it isn’t some sort of standard of which she’s falling short.

As other posters have noted, the manner in which you describe her is fawning and awestruck. Almost like when people describe the object of their limerence. Why do you think that is?

Also, is your father in the picture?

You say you aren’t lonely, but how often do you actually see your friends? What do you have going on in your life apart from work? Do you have hobbies? A relationship? Goals you’re working towards? Your mum shouldn’t be the main focus of your life to the extent it sounds like she is. It’s not healthy for you or fair on her.

Original poster

palia · 27/01/2023 17:46

I do have 2 great friends in my city but it can be hard to find a time that they're free. Most of my great friends are abroad so we FaceTime.

My mum is just my most favourite person to talk to. I wouldn't say that I was awestruck with her at all but I just really like her company. She wasn't a great parent until I was a teenager. She didn't like young children so got a nanny to do the parenting. When I was a teen we spent alot more time together.

OP posts:

Noicant · 27/01/2023 17:54

Honestly, I think you would do well to discuss this with a therapist. It doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic for you.

Sushi4Dins · 27/01/2023 18:02

palia · 27/01/2023 17:46

I do have 2 great friends in my city but it can be hard to find a time that they're free. Most of my great friends are abroad so we FaceTime.

You haven’t really engaged with what was said or answered any of the questions (not that you’re required to).

I agree with pp that it might be helpful for you to discuss this with a therapist.

Bonbon717 · 03/02/2023 16:34

I feel sad that my mum has disowned me, I'm 32 and my brother is 2 years older than me. She goes to his house every Sunday for a roast dinner and when I used to ask her to come to mine for dinner she would always so no to me. When she goes down to Devon she always asks my brother to go with her and not me and always invites him on holiday with her and not me. I haven't done anything to her for her to be like this with me. My brother never goes to her house yet she has all the time for him I'm the one over the years who always visits my mum not him so why does does she favour him. It hurts so much. Anyway this Christmas I was meant to go to my grandads with my mum and brother but my brother speaks so rude to me that I chose not to go and go to my dad's as I did not want to spend Christmas with my brother and that's the reason she has disowned me. My mum also said to me when she was annoyed with me that she would have nothing to do with me if it wasn't for my daughter and I truly believe she meant that now as her actions have proved everything. She helped me a lot financially when my daughter was younger but I believe that was all for my daughter which I am so grateful for but I wish my mum was there for me emotionally and didn't leave me out all the time. It feels horrible

Inkpotlover · 03/02/2023 16:39

Maybe she’s under the impression you speak enough because you call frequently. I catch up with my mum once a week for half an hour and we text the rest of the time. Do you also go over the same ground every time you speak? If so, hate to say it, but maybe she finds you a little dull.

Anniissa · 03/02/2023 16:55

It all sounds a bit full on. Calling every other day is pretty frequent so I would imagine she feels you speak a lot and so there’s no need for multiple hour long calls. The way you plan to talk about her favourite topics seems a bit weird - do you not just have a general catch up on things you’ve been doing/she’s been doing/general news? If someone was trying to engage me in hour long conversations on key topics multiple times a week then I’d find it a bit hard work and effort required, even if it was a loved one.

Linkstolondon · 01/06/2023 11:45

Calling her every other day is a lot. She probably feels like neither of you has much so say if you’re having so much contact. I would cut it down. You sound like a lovely daughter though and she’s lucky to have you. My mum died when I was a toddler. I miss having that mother figure.

Letsbepractical · 01/06/2023 12:51

I love my adult daughter, she lives away and we FaceTime regularly but not every day, as we both are busy and have other people in our lives. Plus what would we talk about? Genuine question. If we lived together we would surely talk every day but living apart is different.
Maybe you are too dependent on this connection emotionally?

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