I have no confidence in myself

[Latenitemum]

Hello, my marriage is over and has been for the last 2 years when DH had an emotional affair. We've been married for 23 years and since his emotional affair he treats me as though i am nothing. He hardly speaks to me, says no more than 2 or 3 sentences a day and they are just general...'are you eating' or 'have you eaten', ' what time does DD finish work' etc, nothing else unless i ask him questions.
Since his emotional affair, he does not let me talk about it, he lies or tells me he does not remember anything about it, I still dont know if its going on or not.
I know i need to end the marriage because i feel so very sad, unwanted, neglected, worthless etc. I have tried to talk to him about how i feel and what i need to make the marriage work but he does not respond. The other day I asked him to tell me how he feels about me and he couldn't answer and then he kept telling me he wants to sleep and can i stop talking. He spends no time with me, we watch TV in separate rooms and i feel so alone.
I'm 55 and i can't see anything other than myself being able to make a life for myself again.
I'm torn between staying with a man who is still in love with his affair partner (she is half his age and lives in another country), who has no respect for me and makes it obvious he does not care about me, or i divorce him and live a life on my own.
I know you will think of me as a weak person and showing no respect for myself but I feel I am nothing and no-one will ever want me.
The emotional affair broke me as a person, I have been with him for over 30 years, how do i move on at my age?
Is it normal for a husband to behave like this after an emotional affair? When i ask to make an effort to save the marriage he says we should not force things but let them happen naturally - i need more than this.
I cry nearly everyday, even when he knows i am crying silently in bed, he does not ask me if i am OK. Is this normal?

I'm torn between staying with a man who is still in love with his affair partner (she is half his age and lives in another country), who has no respect for me and makes it obvious he does not care about me, or i divorce him and live a life on my own.
Normally when someone says they are torn between two things, there are some positive aspects to both those things, hence them finding it hard to choose. But there seems to be nothing positive about being with your husband? Just negatives?

I don't think you sound weak. I think you sound totally done in from being in a stressful situation.

@80s Thank you for replying to me. Sometimes he acts normal, will talk, or sit with me in a room for a short time, i keep hoping this will be the turning point but he then goes back to ignoring me and not speaking.

That's not much keeping you with him, then, is it? A few crumbs of hope amid hours of crying and loneliness.
What do you think is keeping him with you?

he says we should not force things but let them happen naturally
And you say you should actively do something to improve your marriage. Why does he get what he wants, not you?

He spends no time with you, so the thing that's happening naturally is that you're getting lonelier and unhappier, and wanting to leave. Do you think that's what he meant?

I think its normal to behave like this when they are in love with someone else and can't have them and are deeply depressed about it. I'm sorry.
I think your H has emotionally left the marriage and his thoughts are entirely elsewhere.
You stayed after the affair and may have been able to put it behind you had you both been committed, but he's clearly not, and you are wasting your precious life being the convenient house mate of a man who doesn't seem to want to be with you.

This is like death by a thousand cuts.

You sound so sad, you’re still young enough to carve out a lovely life for yourself if that’s what you choose to do.

You could start putting yourself first while you are still “together” if that feels easier. Do you have any hobbies? Is there a club or class you want to try? What do YOU enjoy? Start doing that, and slowly but surely I promise you will become stronger and more confident, and the decision may seem so much easier to make.

Sending virtual hugs OP, this is really sad. 55 is a fabulous age, please don’t waste the rest of your life in this relationship, there’s so much out there for you!

You've got about a third of your life left ahead of you, with any luck, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of it like this?

I know it's hard to think of starting over, but crikey, you've got over a decade until retirement age, even. Your life is far from over.

You can eke it out being miserable with a man who can't be bothered to engage with you, or you can take the plunge and see what else is out there for you. I'd go with the latter. You only get the one go at life.

This is like death by a thousand cuts

I agree it sounds awful, no wonder you feel so low…

Friends, hobbies, interests, career - invest in you, and build a life for yourself that runs parallel to, but that is separate from this marriage.

Once you start doing this and find your feet, your confidence will grow and you will find it a lot easier to break away from this toxic situation.

Trust me, do it. 💐

Thanks you all so much for your messages. Last night was another night of no words, even during the night at one point we must have both woken up at 3am and not a word said, i'm fed up being the one to start a conversation - even though i only get one word replies. How much effort does it ask if i am OK, can't I sleep etc..i need something. Is that asking for too much? Does he hate me?
I have told him time and time again that if he is still in love with affair partner then he should leave and try and try and be with her but he says he's here and not going anywhere. - she is abroad and apparently married and having a child with her husband - but why wont he fix this at home if she is moving on with his life. I dont get it and i dont understand why he is like this.
Its so sad and soul destroying that he knows how i feel but still does not care

So sorry to read this I had/have something similar and live in this weird zone of uncertainty and self-doubt. I am not sure if he is 'enduring' me because of the children who are teenagers. Do you have kids? I think there is a point where you can't do anything and the more you try to more they reject or humiliate you because you can never live up to totally idealised, younger, more exciting, 'angelic' (for my DP) other woman. So, I think all one can do is build oneself up and expect nothing. Maybe they will go, maybe stay, maybe change, maybe not. So do the things you enjoy, make a life, new hobbies, friends, break the routines. Can't make someone love you but you can enjoy your own life more I don't fully follow this advice myself, still trying to prove myself to him as actually more wonderful than his 'angel'. When it gets weird is sex. Am I a substitute? If it happens, does it mean he dies desire me,? All so confusing

I also found it useful to think about why my exh acted as he did, to reassure myself that it wasn't all my fault; it was about him, his hangups, his weaknesses, his family history.
But that was the only purpose of knowing why. Knowing why didn't stop him treating me like dirt, and it didn't stop us breaking up. And it wasn't him who told me why - I'm pretty sure I get his reasons, but it's just what I've worked out in my own head and from reading other people's stories and explanations.
Think about why he's doing this if it helps you to understand things, but don't "weather out" the abuse too long - as you've seen, it's awful for your mental health.
I did the same as others have suggested above, and got new hobbies, activities and friends even before it ended. I agree that it was really helpful.

Why are you leaving the ball in his court?

He can't go to the affair partner, by the sounds of it - she looks to have made her choice of child & husband. So he's just sitting where he is - it's probably better for him to stay with you, in the comfortable family home, knowing you're desperate for his attention and affection, not having to divvy up the assets of marriage or give anything up. You're probably still doing housework and meals, aren't you? So from his point of view, why on earth would he make the jump? He can continue to ignore you and pine over the OW while still having everything the marriage gave him.

Stop settling for the crumbs, stop waiting for him to take action, take action yourself.

What's preventing you leaving @Latenitemum
Do you want to? 55 is not too old to break away from him and build a happier life for yourself.

His behaviour is not acceptable. Is it normal? Not in a healthy, balanced relationship, no.

You ask is it normal for a husband to behave like this after an EA? After the discovery of this, he should have felt terribly guilty, and should have been begging you for forgiveness and to let him stay, but it sounds like it's the opposite. He can mope around looking sad because you allow him to.

The way he's treating you is awful. He should be trying to make amends, not giving you the silent treatment. It sounds like he doesn't want to be there.

How old are your children? Is he waiting until they reach an age so he can leave?

I went through something similar post his affair and it was horrible, really lonely and sad. In my case he waited until the mortgage was paid off then booked us into marriage counselling which I stupidly saw as a hopeful sign.
But when we were asked why we were there he bluntly said it was because he wanted to find out the best way to leave without hurting the kids and then revealed more info about his affair....
I then realised that the paying off of the mortgage gave him the financial escape to leave and rent a flat.
Do you think your husband could be waiting for something - financial freedom to leave or the kids to leave home?
Prior to him leaving, I also think my exH was trying to make things as miserable for me as he could so that I might leave first and then he would feel less guilty for breaking up the family.
Whatever the reasons, it's no way to live, it's almost lonelier than being alone and you don't have to put up with it.

You poor thing. I hope you're in a better place now

OP this is so sad. I'm so sorry you're going through this. All I can say is the longer you allow yourself exist this way the more self esteem and self respect you'll loose until one day you will be shell of yourself. I know it's easier said than done. Take small steps to start centring your soul. Yoga. Walking. Self care. Eckhart Tolle, Louise Hay. Put your energy into yourself and reconnect to your heart. Start trusting yourself. Do this even while he's there in the house and you're still in this situation, snd I promise you will start to get strength snd love back for yourself. That is the key. Once you have that you will get clarity and be able to make the right decision about your life your worth and your future. This is a sliding door moment in your life. Don't take the wrong door.

“Stop settling for the crumbs, stop waiting for him to take action, take action yourself.”

This. Take your power back. What he’s done is awful and a kind of torture for you but you’re acting as if you have no agency in this. You do.

He doesn’t care enough about you or your relationship to do what’s needed to fix it. He’s unmoved by your loneliness and tears.

You need to be the dynamic one. First of all, get busy. What activities do you enjoy? What hobbies? Start building more of those into your life. That will increase your confidence.

Imagine yourself 5 years hence. Do you think you’re going to wish you’d spent another 5 years languishing or that you’d taken action? I’m your age and post-menopausal - I’m loving being in my 50s. It’s such a powerful age to be. You’re wise enough to know you can’t continue as you are. You take the power now, fill your life with other things and start moving away from him.

Its like protest behaviour or something? Like 'I've stayed, this is all you're getting?'. Punishing you but not actually leaving. He's leaving that part up to you. You need to leave. It's not salvageable I don't think. 55 is young enough for plenty more adventures! Put it these way, today is the youngest you're going to be for the rest of your life...it will only get harder to do the older you get. Would you be financially OK if you left?

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I do think your marriage is over. Neither of you are happy, you need to part. I'm 55 too and have loads if life ahead, I wouldn't stay in a situation where I was being ignored in my own home, I'd want more for my life. Get your own place and start living again.

Why don't you try to leave in stages?
For now, have a quiet look at your financial situation. See where you are at with the mortgage. Take your own copies of bank statements etc?
That way, you haven't done anything too difficult while you are so down.
It might galvanise you.
Then move on to thinking about booking a free half hour with a good divorce solicitor?
Think about your career and if there is any way that you could improve your lot if you were to become single?
Come on here for the advise and to let it all out, but do small, silent things to prepare yourself and your future.
There is no point talking to your husband; he has shown you that, so put yourself first. You deserve it. And you deserve another chance.

Op, you deserve better. The first thing I would di is keep telling yourself that. The second thing I would keep reminding myself is that he does not deserve you. Don't wait for his measly crumbs. You will starve but you could feel full and alive again alone. After a period of loneliness when u say you are going to detach yourself,emotionally and hopefully physically from the snake, you will progress to being alone. Alone is not always lonely. Imagine being on an emotional level where you are in the driving seat,not some d*ck.invest in you check out of the marriage however you can. Clean break would be my advice. 55,girl we are in our prime. Focus on the most important relationship we ever have: the one with yourself. If u decide to meet someone else in the future that's your call. Take care. Hand hold.

It’s been two years.

you need to start living for you rather than sting around hoping he throws you a morsel. Move into a spare room. Start going out with friends. Do a hobby. Live your own life. If he changes and wants to work on the relationship, fine. If not you are at least living your life and can decide to stay or go.

OP was the emotional affair reciprocated do you know? She's half his age, in another country, married to someone else and having a baby with them? Is she just someone he got to know who he got on with a bit and has fantasised the rest?
It sounds miserable - so sorry for you. It's going to be stressful and soul destroying to split up not to mention you'll have mummy guilt on top, so I'd suggest you think about all the fun things you can do as a single woman- dance clubs, Zumba, sewing clubs, walking clubs,book clubs or whatever- and start doing all those now, before you even mention splitting up. This will help you rebuild your confidence and you'll start enjoying life again as you meet new people with similar interests.
Leave the bore at home- you don't even have to tell him where you're going. Just say out/meeting the girls/whatever.
Bit by bit you'll start feeling happier and stronger and can think more clearly about your next move.
He'll start to wonder what you're up to and will respond however he responds- you can wait and see what you think then.
Atm you are stuck in a rut and ending the marriage at this point might just be digging your way out of a hole- build yourself a ladder instead and then see how bad the hole is when you've regained perspective.
Good luck!

His behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you. 55 is easy doable to leave this totally miserable situation - it is NOT going to get any better. Another 5 years and you might start to totally doubt you can do it at 60 and then what are you left with, possibly 20+ years of this! Or maybe not because he will find a new EA. I know it's hard but I've done it and I'm no longer lonely, I'm on my own at the moment but there's nothing more miserable than crushing loneliness in a marriage. Do your friends and family know?