Had a terrible fight with husband

[FeelingSoSad2]

So yesterday we were coming home from renovating our cottage and husband started complaining about me not being involved enough in this project just because I was rushing him to go home so we can pick up our son from school. He also knows that Im trying to start a small ecommerce business at the same time, but I dont think it should affect the renovations, I come with him every time and do my part, not to mention that Im doing a lot at home and take care of our child.
Anyway, he was complaining, then said that its unfortunate that hes doing this project with me, which is obviously hurtful. So I certainly got defensive and I dont know how, it turned into insults (he started insulting as usual, but because it hurts, I cant just listen to that in silence, we were in a car together more than 1 hr away from home, I had to be next to him and couldnt leave). Next thing I know he yells that he doesnt want to be with me, that hes paying for my f*cking son (we pay common expenses half half so that includes the food that my teenage son whos not his eats, but all his personal expenses are paid by me only), accused of other things, etc.

Just yesterday we were fine. And for months, we were fine given the stress that full time renovation + work + kids bring. I felt very positive and was fairly satifsfied with my life.

I know something triggered him really badly this time (just like all the other times). Hes not abusive and when things go well, affectionate and helps me, but when something triggers him, it turns into insults as he starts seeing me as his enemy and forgets all the good things. I know it comes from his childhood, which wasnt easy. Obviously, Im not perfect but I believe in communication, but its very hard to be mature when the other becomes agressive! I really worked on myself to improve my flaws, but I cant just listen to insults!

Hes also not the type to come and discuss what happened or god forbid, apologize (since I also insulted after, I know hes now justified in not apologizing). So I know that its on me, as usual, to fix things if I dont want to separate as its a really bad time financially and I know that when his anger and whatever internal pain goes away, i can manange to bring peace to the situation. He told me really hurtful things that shouldnt be told in a relationship and I really dont need this sh*t in my life, its enough to breakup actually, but we would lose money selling our house and unfinished cottage and given the huge inflation, high interest rates, lack of affordable housing, its just not a good idea. I dont even care about myself, Im thinking about my children.

Any advice on how to approach the situation would be helpful. Not even once after he threatened separation, he came to me to discuss the details of it. So I know that we`ll just be in limbo until I do something and its not a healthy situation for anyone, especially not for the children. :(

"Hes not abusive and when things go well, affectionate and helps me, but when something triggers him, it turns into insults as he starts seeing me as his enemy and forgets all the good things. I know it comes from his childhood, which wasnt easy. Obviously, Im not perfect but I believe in communication, but its very hard to be mature when the other becomes agressive! I really worked on myself to improve my flaws, but I cant just listen to insults!"

Its not you, its him.

What is your definition of abuse if not what has happened to you here?. Abuse is not solely physical in nature. It seems like he is really showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse here and that is a continuous one.

Many people also have terrible childhoods and choose not to verbally abuse or otherwise chew out their spouse like he has done to you here. Would he speak to his neighbours or his work colleagues like this, no he would not. It is for you and in turn your son this is aimed squarely at. That is all on him and you are not responsible for any of that; you did not cause him to act that way towards you.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it's about power and control and he likely wants absolute over you here. I also do not like the way in which he is treating your son as his stepson either. Why are you putting up with this from him towards your child?. Your son is not daft and knows you as his mother is primarily paying his way. Why are you paying half half at all, all assets here are joint in a marriage.

re your comment
"we would lose money selling our house and unfinished cottage and given the huge inflation, high interest rates, lack of affordable housing, its just not a good idea."

Call his bluff; he wants to separate so give him what he wants. Cottage also is likely to be a money pit. How long will it be till its actually finished; it could well take many more months or perhaps even years.

None of the above is any actual basis, let alone reason, to remain with such a man. Its not going to be "easier" for you to remain with him given what he thinks about your son either. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing them and for them to potentially emulate themselves?. No.

You don't think that he is abusive, but he is love. He's verbally abusive, taking his frustration from elsewhere out on you.

Does he scream and shout names at his boss when he's under stress there? No.
Does he scream and shout abusive names at the contractors on your build? No - because they'd down tools and fuck off.
Does he scream and shout at his mates? No.
Did he do it when you could walk away? No.

He saves all his rage for you. Even when you've done nothing. Then when he's inflicted all that abuse on to you, he moves on to sulking, silence, stonewalling and you feel compelled to fix it because he will never apologise for his behaviour.

This is domestic abuse.
This is who he is.

Well, he sounds absolutely vile.

He sounds awful. Time to get those ducks lined up, OP.

What is it like for your teenage son living with this man? A man who so seethingly resents him, even if he mostly keeps the resentment hidden?
Poor boy.

So hard to hear interactions like this. This could has been an open and easy conversation, as is common in a relationship. Yelling and demanding is abusive, obviously has harbouring resentment but in a sneaky way.
Do you ever feel like you and/or the children are walking on eggshells?
Are the children ok?
Are you ok?

Start getting your ducks in a row and suggest counselling.

hope you resolve the issues
hugs xxx

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

It is not you.

I know that he is verbally abusive when he gets upset, but over the years, he has improved, which gave me hope. We dont walk on eggshells with him and like any other woman, I sometimes nag him and he makes efforts not to do what I complain about. Hes not close to my son (my son is very reserved too so its not very easy either), but he greets him nicely and doesnt yell these kinds of things in front of him. So my son doesnt know that he says it when hes angry, he generally has a poverty mentality and almost hurts when he spends money, but he pays half nevertheless in addition to a large maintenance that he pays for his own children.

So its not the typical abusive relationship that are described in articles I see on the internet. He loses his temper when something triggers him and these times reduced drastically in the past couple of years. Im absolutely not ok with this, but overall our relationship was fine. Obviously, I could dream about more, a more romantic man, a more mature man, a more generous man, a man more involved with my teenager, but is it worth disrupting my childrens lives?

Read your own post - you say he’s not abusive yet he’s only nice to you when things are going well.
When it’s not he insults you.
He resents his money contributing to your child’s food.

What is your bar for abuse that you think this is a better life for your children than showing them that you won’t accept being treated like this.

He will never apologise, he will never change.
He will only blame and resent and shout more and more. Is that worth the money you want to hold onto in the house?

You say your son isn’t his but have children - do you think your son doesn’t know you are choosing to placate a man who begrudges him food?

its not the typical abusive relationship that are described in articles I see on the internet
Same here, I stuck around for a couple of decades because of that. I think we can come very unstuck making comparisons with worse situations.

Keep an eye on how you feel in the moment.

Reading between the lines, this speaks volumes:
Obviously, I could dream about more, a more romantic man, a more mature man, a more generous man, a man more involved with my teenager...

Maturity and "generosity" (if this has struck you as lacking) are more or less essential things to have in a partner.

...but is it worth disrupting my childrens lives?
You might find that their lives are already disrupted in ways you don't notice or have come to take for granted.

Keep observing, and don't automatically dismiss your longing for more as unreasonable.

"Obviously, I could dream about more, a more romantic man, a more mature man, a more generous man, a man more involved with my teenager, but is it worth disrupting my childrens lives?"

Yes it is. He's already threatened to separate so I would call his bluff. He's already disrupted yours enough already to the point where you think its your fault when it is not. He has not improved over the years; you have merely become more inured to his verbal abuses of you. Do not ever think your kids do not pick up on all this.

You say that 'llike any other woman I sometimes nag him'. Where did this mysogeny come from? Him?

Do you accuse him of 'nagging' you? Why do you think only women 'nag'? When you're telling him something he's done that has hurt or upset you, or if you've reminded him of something that he forgot to do, it isn't nagging. It's telling him. I bet that awful language came from him.

You've described an abusive relationship.

He sounds abusive to me and weaponizing your son is unforgivable. Finish the renovations. See up. Leave. This situation will not improve.

Any advice on how to approach the situation would be helpful. Not even once after he threatened separation, he came to me to discuss the details of it. So I know that we`ll just be in limbo until I do something and its not a healthy situation for anyone, especially not for the children

He is threatening separation to keep you in line & make you compliant to his verbal abuse.

He called your child your fucking son. He regularly insults you. He regularly loses his temper. He undermines & criticises you. The DC have to witness this shit.
Why he HE the one talking about separation?

From your OP, it seems that you own at least 2 houses together.
So you could afford to leave him, & remove you & DC from his nasty mouth.
What's stopping you?

I assume you have children together - how old are there? How long have you been together?

but when something triggers him, it turns into insults as he starts seeing me as his enemy and forgets all the good things

This is refered to as whole object relations and object constancy and leads to unstable relationships. I don't know if he can fix this.. it needs him to accept he has a problem. That seems unlikely to happen given his response post arguments.

Stop worrying about it being the wrong time due to cost of living crisis, house reno's, etc.

And starting acting on Metal's solid summary above.

You AND YOUR DC are living with an abusive man.
An Angry & Controlling Man - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

It's up to you to advocate for your DC & get them out from under that man's roof. There will be NO good time to leave, financially. Just play your cards close to your chest, consult a bloody lawyer to get an accurate picture re: financial split, then call your abuser's bluff by divorcing him.

THank you all.
I need to think about this as this didnt happen in a long while and things were fine.
As for our common child, hes 5 and he tells me that he wants joint custody, something he always told me he didnt believe in with his other children. He always said that its better for a child to have a primary home and that children love mothers more. Our 5 year old is very attached to me as Im the main caretaker, he even sleeps with me, so Im not envisioning him staying a whole week with his father who barely even cooks and is always on his phone or computer. With join custody we will be stuck living close to each other and I dont like the town we live in. I really thought its just easier to be ok in our relationship, but Im feeling very turned off of course.

his father who barely even cooks and is always on his phone or computer.

oh, OP. come on. You know it’s time to go. He’s a terrible parent, too.

I have a son who is not my DH's.

If my DH ever said "your fucking son" to me, he'd be out on his arse.

@FeelingSoSad2 it’s unlikely he’s had a revelation about child care since he was happy not to have joint custody of his other kids.
Far more likely he knows the fear of losing your son to joint custody will keep you in place.

Even if he did get joint custody, from what you’ve said he is at best uninterested so he’s unlikely to stick to it.

And your argument about the town - surely if you stay together you’ll be there anyway unless you are selling to move to the cottage?
Which is an hour away so you’d be somewhere else anyway.

I’m not picking holes to be mean - I am the child of a mother who stayed for the children and it has left lifelong marks that will never leave.

How did the cottage come about? Did he involve you in planning and decisions over it? Did you buy it or inherit? If its more his project, you shouldn't have to be involved in working on it seeing as he doesn't get involved with the DC or running your other home. I'd be inclined to leave him to it as he doesn't appreciate your help anyway.

He is abusive and you and your poor son are treading on eggshells.
He will get worse, get rid of him. X

you can ask for main custody. Just because he wants it doesn’t mean it’s his. Especially if you are the main care giver. Sometimes joint custody may be more about maintenance payments than care of the children. Agree to nothing and consult with a solicitor xx

He is an abuser. You are just deluding yourself. Just because he isn’t hitting you he is emotionally abusing you.
Please leave.