Had a terrible fight with husband

[FeelingSoSad2]

So yesterday we were coming home from renovating our cottage and husband started complaining about me not being involved enough in this project just because I was rushing him to go home so we can pick up our son from school. He also knows that Im trying to start a small ecommerce business at the same time, but I dont think it should affect the renovations, I come with him every time and do my part, not to mention that Im doing a lot at home and take care of our child.
Anyway, he was complaining, then said that its unfortunate that hes doing this project with me, which is obviously hurtful. So I certainly got defensive and I dont know how, it turned into insults (he started insulting as usual, but because it hurts, I cant just listen to that in silence, we were in a car together more than 1 hr away from home, I had to be next to him and couldnt leave). Next thing I know he yells that he doesnt want to be with me, that hes paying for my f*cking son (we pay common expenses half half so that includes the food that my teenage son whos not his eats, but all his personal expenses are paid by me only), accused of other things, etc.

Just yesterday we were fine. And for months, we were fine given the stress that full time renovation + work + kids bring. I felt very positive and was fairly satifsfied with my life.

I know something triggered him really badly this time (just like all the other times). Hes not abusive and when things go well, affectionate and helps me, but when something triggers him, it turns into insults as he starts seeing me as his enemy and forgets all the good things. I know it comes from his childhood, which wasnt easy. Obviously, Im not perfect but I believe in communication, but its very hard to be mature when the other becomes agressive! I really worked on myself to improve my flaws, but I cant just listen to insults!

Hes also not the type to come and discuss what happened or god forbid, apologize (since I also insulted after, I know hes now justified in not apologizing). So I know that its on me, as usual, to fix things if I dont want to separate as its a really bad time financially and I know that when his anger and whatever internal pain goes away, i can manange to bring peace to the situation. He told me really hurtful things that shouldnt be told in a relationship and I really dont need this sh*t in my life, its enough to breakup actually, but we would lose money selling our house and unfinished cottage and given the huge inflation, high interest rates, lack of affordable housing, its just not a good idea. I dont even care about myself, Im thinking about my children.

Any advice on how to approach the situation would be helpful. Not even once after he threatened separation, he came to me to discuss the details of it. So I know that we`ll just be in limbo until I do something and its not a healthy situation for anyone, especially not for the children. :(

So you're saying he's not abusive, except when he's being abusive? I used to have one like that, it took me years to see it too.

His behaviour is unacceptable and frightening. There no excuse for it - not even a bad/traumatic childhood.

I think he needs anger management classes and a warning. That if he ever behaves like that again... you'll be out the door, along with your sons.

Please don't buy into the myth that all a domestic abuser needs is an anger management course & all will be well.

The arsehole doesn't have an anger problem.
He has a power & control problem.

Do you reckon he talks to his boss like he talks to OP?
Soouts at his colleagues, berates shop keepers, harangues his mates down the pub?

Of course he bloody doesn't. He saves it for OP, who he's trained to take it, behind cloosed doors, Or worse - in a moving car, where she can't even walk away to escape him.

He can manage his anger perfectly. That's how he can choose to save it expressly to scare & control his wife with.

I'm not saying that's all he needs.

But you have to sometimes give people the chance to change too.

Your son was a package deal when your DH met you and if your DH has a problem with that child/young adult being around the home and all that involves, then that was DH’s mistake. Remind him that was his choice to remain in your son’s life and he should man up to his decisions and the responsibilities he took on.

Having said that people say crap things in anger to each other when they lash out. Given time, maybe he will probably chill out and be able to talk properly about what it is he is expecting you to do different or more of.

Given time, if nothing changes in his attitude, then I think you need to make plans for yourself and the children and seek professional advice as to financial support as a single parent.

either or, if he brings it up while still peeved off, set some boundaries as to what you will or won’t discuss, and in particular until he can sit down and hold a proper civil conversation about whatever it is that's chewing at him.

I hope though that he has had a bit of time in the meanwhile to think what a dick he made of himself…

This reads, it's not abuse because he doesn't hit me.

Oh, I suggested therapy many times or at least readings, but hes not interested. He says that I make him say whatever he says. So no hope there. I thought we were doing better and there was some internal shift in him, but clearly not.

Yes, I finally listened to the posters here and looked into abusive relationships again and even went to see an advisor for abused women and she sais that its about control, which shows in some other things, not as bad as we could read in articles on the internet (which might be a bit misleading as women who are in relationships that are not that bad , like me, wouldnt recognize their relationships as abusive).
THank you all for the advice.