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Original poster

Is lack of sex drive a medical problem?

43 replies

Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 15:13

I am prompted to write this having read a previous thread.

I have never been that interested in sex . I don't think it's a physical or psychological problem , I am fit in every other way .

I have been married decades and to be honest in the beginning I initiated sex because I wanted children . Once I had them job done . I have no particular hang ups , have tried adventurous stuff, DIY but really cannot see the point and never particularly enjoyed it all that much , even DIY , but conversely was not repulsed or anxious just never saw what the fuss was about.

I enjoy physical contact with my partner such as kissing,cuddling , we share a bed but we have not had sex in a long time. I am fortunate in as much as my partner is quite happy with the situation , having been happily "fallow" for many years before meeting me.

I am aware that many people would advise seeing gp for lack of libido , trying hormones , seeing a therapist convinced there is some sort of deep seated trauma ,or inhibition or medical reason because sex is a necessary and vital part of human life and particularly relationships . But is it? Particularly once you have had children .

I am a middle aged woman , happy with who I am , confident in how I look . I dress to look nice for myself and am happy when my partner notices and compliments me . But really sex has never played an important part of my life or indeed our life together except to provide us with our beautiful children and I wonder how many other people feel the same way . I wonder that we are all brainwashed to feel if we are not swinging off the chandeliers twice a week there is something wrong with us . I am of the generation that was advised by our mothers to keep our husbands happy and "satisfied" to prevent them wandering. In other words to change who we were and what we wanted to keep our man.

In other words is not wanting sex in or out of a relationship really a "problem" that needs to be fixed? If one of you wants intimacy and the other doesn't is it necessarily a medical or psychological problem that needs to be fixed only in one way ie so both want sex? Is it right to think that it is "unhealthy" to prefer celibacy?

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 15:24

I wouldn't bother looking for a medical cause at your age and stage in life, if it's not something that bothers you.

Sex has always been, and I hope always will be, a fundamental part of my being and integral to my life. I'm highly sexed and used to, pre-menopause, have multiple orgasms that could last for a very long time. That's probably a very big factor in why I am so happy to centre sex in my life as much as I do.

I would have an absolutely huge problem with celibacy in a relationship, but that wouldn't happen. And if it did, I would very quickly find a solution.

I suppose in your position you would not be bothered if your partner was highly sexed and so out-sourced?

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 26/01/2023 15:26

Maybe you are asexual? Some people are. If you don't feel the need for sex and neither does your husband there's no issue.

80s · 26/01/2023 15:55

I am aware that many people would advise seeing gp for lack of libido , trying hormones , seeing a therapist
I'd advise this if you said you were unhappy with your libido. But if you're not unhappy, and don't seem to have any other symptoms that are concerning, then obviously I wouldn't advise it.

If you said you had a low libido and other problems such as hair loss, depression, palpitations, forgetfulness or poor sleep then I'd suggest going to the GP with all your symptoms to make sure there wasn't something that could cause you trouble down the line.

daretodenim · 26/01/2023 17:21

You don't have a sexless marriage. You have a relationship that meets both of your intimacy needs.

Therefore you've hit the jackpot!!

No need to find problems where there aren't any.

If you ever feel unhappy about it then yes, look at options, otherwise, just crack on enjoying your life!

SweetcornFritter · 26/01/2023 17:32

I feel exactly like you OP, unfortunately it didn’t suit my STBXH so in the end my lack of interest in sex ended our marriage and means I am destined for a life alone into old age. You’re fortunate your husband is ok with the situation, be very thankful!

Nimbostratus100 · 26/01/2023 17:35

1% of the population are asexual

This is a perfectly normal, healthy, happy class of people

Look at www.asexuality.org/

Some people lose their interest in sex for medical reason. The key word here is "LOSE". If its normal for you to have little or no sexual feelings, then you haven't lost anything,

Whoisgoingtocrackandcookdinnerfirst · 26/01/2023 17:53

I’m the opposite of you in that I dislike all the kissing and cuddling and just want sex to be quick and efficient. Maybe it’s because I always orgasm very early and I then get bored. My DH has never complained and knew very early on that I was not someone who enjoyed kissing and cuddling. We are all unique. If you and your partner are happy together that’s all that matters.

maddy68 · 26/01/2023 18:01

It can be ..

Original poster
Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 19:43

Asexuality is a really interesting concept and having read it I think it absolutely identifies how I feel thank you those who mentioned it.

As to the person who asked if I would be happy if my partner outsourced ...... although I am not interested in sex I quite understand the intimacy ,connection and emotional effects it has . I would be as unhappy with the situation as anyone else , perhaps more so because to me sex is absolutely unimportant and for both of us a small part of the relationship , there are other parts which both of us value much more highly.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 26/01/2023 19:47

I have been single for 12yrs until recently when I’ve been dating someone for 2 months. I didn’t miss sex in that time, as sex with my ex (and some before him) was mediocre at best. Sex with my new bf in my mid 40’s is amazing and I can’t imagine being with him and not wanting to have sex with him. But maybe in 5yrs time I’d feel differently. Those 12yrs taught me sex isn’t essential, I was pretty happy, certainly not unhappy in that time. But for me in a relationship set is important as it distinguishes it from a friendship. But we are all different and sometimes relationships become stale, and people can be almost asexual in a relationship, break up, meet someone new and be swinging from the chandeliers again. As long as you’re both happy with the situation, that’s all that matters isn’t it at the end of the day

ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 20:10

Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 19:43

Asexuality is a really interesting concept and having read it I think it absolutely identifies how I feel thank you those who mentioned it.

As to the person who asked if I would be happy if my partner outsourced ...... although I am not interested in sex I quite understand the intimacy ,connection and emotional effects it has . I would be as unhappy with the situation as anyone else , perhaps more so because to me sex is absolutely unimportant and for both of us a small part of the relationship , there are other parts which both of us value much more highly.

That's the part I don't understand at all.

I asked how you'd feel if you had a partner who outsourced. Happily that doesn't apply to you now, it was a more general question.

I genuinely can't understand why you would have a problem with outsourcing though, if you were with someone more interested in sex. Always baffles me. There's something dog in the manger about it

QueefQueen80s · 26/01/2023 20:16

Erm because thats the man she loves and she doesn't want him seeing another woman naked, putting his dick inside her and cumming? It's so intimate. How could she be affectionate with him after that?
They should split it the husband wasn't happy.

ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 20:20

I dunno, she isn't interested in sex, why would it matter?

Original poster
Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 20:21

Even if you have a high sex drive you must recognise there is an emotional link with the act and a sharing of personal space ,intimacy ,trust and vulnerability . How sharing that with someone outside a partnership is not damaging to a partnership is difficult for me to see.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 20:21

Either sex is important or it isn't.

I quite understand that for some people it isn't. I don't understand why it's then important to control other people's access to sex.

Happily that isn't an issue for op as they are well balanced that way

category12 · 26/01/2023 20:23

It's only a problem if you're unhappy.

Or if you and your partner had really mismatched sex drives and you were looking into whether there was a physical reason for your lack of interest.

As you're happy and your partner seems fine with it, then it's not a problem.

ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 20:25

Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 20:21

Even if you have a high sex drive you must recognise there is an emotional link with the act and a sharing of personal space ,intimacy ,trust and vulnerability . How sharing that with someone outside a partnership is not damaging to a partnership is difficult for me to see.

There can be.

Equally, there can just be sex with no particular additional meaning.

If you see sex in that way, I'm actually puzzled why you don't enjoy sex with your partner more. I thought it just wouldn't carry that meaning for you, hence why not bothered by it

WoolyMammoth55 · 26/01/2023 20:33

Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 20:21

Even if you have a high sex drive you must recognise there is an emotional link with the act and a sharing of personal space ,intimacy ,trust and vulnerability . How sharing that with someone outside a partnership is not damaging to a partnership is difficult for me to see.

Hi OP, this is really interesting to me.

I do orgasm easily and always have done, apart from that I'd say my sex drive is likely medium, however I absolutely crave the emotional and intimate connection that sex brings to my marriage and so for that reason DH and I make it a priority to find time for sex as often as we can (with 2 little kids and jobs!)

If sex does have emotional and intimacy value for you, then I find it really surprising that you and your partner are so fine not to have that in your lives? For me and DH it's a big part of our quality of life: laughter, good food, exercise, fresh air, sex!

category12 · 26/01/2023 20:34

Have to say it seems odd/unfair to me too, that you'd be totally against a partner having sex with other people if you're not much interested in it yourself.

As a long-term state of affairs, I mean. Not if it was just a dry patch due to the various ups & downs of life.

QueefQueen80s · 26/01/2023 20:36

ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 20:20

I dunno, she isn't interested in sex, why would it matter?

I think you're the one with the weird way of thinking.

Original poster
Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 20:41

I understand the link and vulnerability but just do not get pleasure from it (not uncomfortable or anything just meh) and really do not miss it at all and have never placed any importance on it in my life .
Both myself and my partner have never been very active sexually , and our most active was when we were trying to conceive the children . Since then job done . Neither of us has seen the importance of it as a connection although we are a tactile couple .

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 20:41

QueefQueen80s · 26/01/2023 20:36

I think you're the one with the weird way of thinking.

Show quote history

Ok - why?

I'm not the one saying it's so intimate and special but equally unimportant and unnecessary.

Original poster
Schriftstellername · 26/01/2023 20:53

I understand the endorphin rush from long distance running . However I don't enjoy long distance running and I certainly won't be unhappy if I never have to do a cross country ever again.
I can understand the complex chemical, emotional and physical reactions to sex . I have them . I just do not feel that once I had children I had any need for it .
I am very fortunate in that my partner is well matched to me in this respect , however ...... I am also aware that where there is a mismatch in sexual desire the onus is always on the one with the lower sex drive to step up, even to the extent where physical and psychological treatments are given . I wonder if only a small percentage of people are asexual or whether many more feel pressurised into sex ?

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 21:32

Yes, I definitely was happy for my partner to indulge his hobby of marathon running with his buddies from the running group. Not my thing, never felt an urge to join him, he was happy I was happy.

The pressure for sex comes when there is a mismatch and it is unacceptable for whatever reason for one partner to look to meet that need elsewhere. It's a strange societal pressure.

YouAreNotBatman · 26/01/2023 21:54

I was going to also suggest looking up asexuality.
I’m one and what you wrote sounded a lot what other asexuals have said.

Personally, I’m higly sex repulsed, so coudn’t do the thing for any reason.

That being said,

sharing of personal space ,intimacy ,trust and vulnerability .

Is sex this deep for most people?
Usually it seem they just desperately want to smash their genitals with someone else’s, it’s seem pathological at times.