Is lack of sex drive a medical problem?

[Schriftstellername]

I am prompted to write this having read a previous thread.

I have never been that interested in sex . I don't think it's a physical or psychological problem , I am fit in every other way .

I have been married decades and to be honest in the beginning I initiated sex because I wanted children . Once I had them job done . I have no particular hang ups , have tried adventurous stuff, DIY but really cannot see the point and never particularly enjoyed it all that much , even DIY , but conversely was not repulsed or anxious just never saw what the fuss was about.

I enjoy physical contact with my partner such as kissing,cuddling , we share a bed but we have not had sex in a long time. I am fortunate in as much as my partner is quite happy with the situation , having been happily "fallow" for many years before meeting me.

I am aware that many people would advise seeing gp for lack of libido , trying hormones , seeing a therapist convinced there is some sort of deep seated trauma ,or inhibition or medical reason because sex is a necessary and vital part of human life and particularly relationships . But is it? Particularly once you have had children .

I am a middle aged woman , happy with who I am , confident in how I look . I dress to look nice for myself and am happy when my partner notices and compliments me . But really sex has never played an important part of my life or indeed our life together except to provide us with our beautiful children and I wonder how many other people feel the same way . I wonder that we are all brainwashed to feel if we are not swinging off the chandeliers twice a week there is something wrong with us . I am of the generation that was advised by our mothers to keep our husbands happy and "satisfied" to prevent them wandering. In other words to change who we were and what we wanted to keep our man.

In other words is not wanting sex in or out of a relationship really a "problem" that needs to be fixed? If one of you wants intimacy and the other doesn't is it necessarily a medical or psychological problem that needs to be fixed only in one way ie so both want sex? Is it right to think that it is "unhealthy" to prefer celibacy?

I get bored with sex with the same person after about 2 years but like the security of a long term relationship so it’s been difficult. To be honest after being sexually active for 40 years, Im bored of it full stop now and can’t see myself having it every again! My fanny has taken a battering over the years with shagging, having kids, periods, thrush, cystitis and the wonderful joys of menopause. It’s time for it to have some down time now and just chill out !

I would agree, but from reading here, on other relationship forums and chatting to female friends, I think there are plenty of women who think that way. They don't want sex from their long term partners but they don't want them to have sex elsewhere. The phrase "if he is unhappy he can leave" is often used which seems quite callous to me, particularly when leaving often means moving out of the family home and reduced access to children.

Following intently : after a breakup last year, ive been single and completely lost any interest in men and also no sex drive either. I'm peri menopausal and I wondered whether it was due to this or the breakup. I wonder whether meeting an amazing man might change this feeling or whether it's gone for good.

"I would agree, but from reading here, on other relationship forums and chatting to female friends, I think there are plenty of women who think that way. They don't want sex from their long term partners but they don't want them to have sex elsewhere. The phrase "if he is unhappy he can leave" is often used which seems quite callous to me, particularly when leaving often means moving out of the family home and reduced access to children."
I completely agree @Eleganz This was the situation my current partner found himself in. After many fallow years he left, thereby giving up the family home that he had paid for. His ExW was furious. Liked the status of being married but not interested in being intimate with him. Couldn't (still can't to some degree) understand why he'd left or why he was unhappy. Interestingly his DC chose to live with him too.

It's the right thing for both of you. You are fortunate to have found and fallen in love with someone with the same non-needs.
This is perfect.

If there were a mismatch then it would be very problematic.
I think nowadays women are freer to admit to enjoying and wanting sex. The generation you speak of, where women were taught to please their men and put their needs first, also had needs. They just weren't spoken about. Not having those needs is a different thing.

I love sex with my partner. It's not mindblowing usually but it's really important to our physical well-being and intimacy. It's just a vehicle in a way to closeness. If one can manage without the vehicle that is surely no problem.

I did 12yrs like that, and then met an amazing man and we are having the best sex ever. I’ve changed from my independent anti man stance to completely in love and having better sex then I’ve ever had. I often said to my friends it really wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t have sex again, now I’m desperate after a few days apart from my bf. I personally crave the intimacy from it aswell as the physical act / pleasure. That’s why I’ve never been a fan of casual sex as I live to have sex also to feel close and connected to a partner

That being said,
sharing of personal space ,intimacy ,trust and vulnerability .
Is sex this deep for most people?

@YouAreNotBatman If I had no trust in the other person, wasn't ready to show him my far from perfect body (vulnerability) and let him in my bed (a private, personal space) then I wouldn't/couldn't have sex with him. I don't see that as being especially deep, however! To me, "deep" is when it feels as if both of you are having a good time together, not just separately; enjoying it because of the person you are with.

Isn't that why people are not keen to "outsource" sex? The thought that your partner might develop a special connection with the other person, fall for them, talk to them about you, go off with them? (And in the case of OP, if her partner turned out to actually love loads of sex then obviously she'd have to rethink their entire past relationship!)

And this could be how the OPs husband feels, but hasn’t yet got to the boat rocking point of waking up and taking action.

I think sexless or low sex is fine if both are truly happy with that, but any asymmetry on this is likely to be a stalking killer of the marriage in the longer term.

I think it depends on the individuals, how open you are about it in the beginning, and during the relationship. My partner and I haven’t had sex in 5 years, I have never cheated but have been sorely tempted a few times.

He had indicated to me in the first instance he was tired or not up to it, and the excuses then kept coming every few months when I tried to push it. When he proposed to me that was the tipping point for me to decide to leave him. I am not committing to celibacy for the rest of my life.

if you aren’t into sex, I think that’s fine, if you are honest about it, and have a similarly minded partner or allow your partner freedom to fulfill their needs elsewhere (if they want to) but you can’t just bury your head in the sand

It's not a medical problem in the sense that you are ill and your health is at risk.

Sexuality is about hormones, their levels, how the fluctuate and their ratios or proportions.

If you have low levels and ratios that do not produce desire for sex there is nothing wrong with it unless you feel like you have to.

If you don't feel internal or external pressure you are fine.

If you do that's when things get very complicated. It will need either doing things against your will and/or changing your hormone levels.

Sexuality is about hormones, their levels, how the fluctuate and their ratios or proportions.

If you have low levels and ratios that do not produce desire for sex there is nothing wrong with it unless you feel like you have to.

How do you explain asexual that do have libido, perhaps even high libido?

Depending on your definition of a-sexual. For me it means having no libido.

@CantAskAnyoneElse

How do you explain asexual that do have libido, perhaps even high libido?

Isn't that a contradiction in terms? If you have a libido - as in a sex drive - how can you simultaneously be asexual - as in someone with no sexual feelings. It makes as much sense as saying "how do you explain something that's black, being white?"

I understand your point, but I'm guessing it's the very understandable fear that the partner who wants sex will connect more with the person they are "allowed" to have sex with, and the relationship will break down as a result as of the partner choosing the one he is sexually intimate with, over his current partner that he's not sexual with. In fact, I'd say there's a VERY high risk of that happening!

You could try to manage it by insisting that your partner has a FWB arrangement, but there's no guarantee whatsoever that an arrangement that starts as FWB will remain that way!

@DuringDuran & @Tuilpmouse

Asexuality is about lack of sexual attraction, as in being attracted to opposite sex or same sex, both or neither.
Straight, bi or gay people can have low libido, but still know who they are attracted to.
So, asexuals can have even high libido, it just doesn’t go towards other people.

Low or no libido alone doesn’t mean asexual.

It's almost like they know sex is important, really, to a relationship.....

Thanks, just googled this... I learn something every day! I think I get it - you feel horny, just that you don't want to satisfy that feeling by being intimate with someone else.

Out of interest, I wonder whether such an asexual person would fantasise about sex as part of that lust, but just not want to actually get intimate with someone with all the complications and vulnerabilities that come with that.

@ArcticSkewer

It's almost like they know sex is important, really, to a relationship.....

Yes, there's something deeply amiss in such a relationship.