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Original poster

How long until things are made official

31 replies

Matilda142 · 26/01/2023 14:47

New to the world of online dating, have been speaking to a guy for over a month now and have had 6 dates. Haven't slept with him but lots of kissing on the last 2.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to be more official or at least delete the dating app. I asked him last date if he was dating other girls and he said no he wasn't speaking to anyone else but I know he still is on the app.

After another good date I've asked him if he can see us deleting the dating apps and being more official and he said 'yes in the future I can see that'. I then explained that I don't have sex until I'm in a relationship and he said 'I can see that's important to you' and the conversation ended.

We've made a plan for another date but I now can't help but feel he's just not that into me? He rarely gives me any compliments and if I say something nice he doesn't reciprocate it 🤔 But as I've been out of the dating world for so long I don't know what's 'normal'...

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/01/2023 14:59

I think he's made it pretty obvious that he's not prepared to discuss exclusivity until after having sex.

winterbegone · 26/01/2023 15:05

What would you gain from making it official, if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself? I would leave it if he doesn't seem that enthusiastic about you.

ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 26/01/2023 15:07

I’d get back on the apps and keep dating other people tbh. Either he’s not that into you, and won’t mind, in which case you can move on, or he’s hedging his bets and will decide he’s ready to make it official once he knows he has competition!

motherofkevinnotperry · 26/01/2023 15:10

What's the rush. Take your time and just see how it goes.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/01/2023 15:24

I think he wants to see what the sexual aspect of your relationship is like before making it official, whereas you'd like to make it official before having sex.

Neither approach is wrong.

6 dates in- do you like him? Do you think it could go somewhere?

XmasElf10 · 26/01/2023 15:30

If he wanted to he would…. Great song and a really good motto.

If he wanted to focus all his efforts on you he’d delete the apps.

If he wanted to say complimentary things to you because he thinks them and wants you to feel good then he’d say those things.

If you have to work really hard to push him to meet your minimum expectations then he’s just not that into you (good film and well worth a watch). I’d let this one go!

aspoonfulofshoulda · 26/01/2023 18:38

XmasElf10 · 26/01/2023 15:30

If he wanted to he would…. Great song and a really good motto.

If he wanted to focus all his efforts on you he’d delete the apps.

If he wanted to say complimentary things to you because he thinks them and wants you to feel good then he’d say those things.

If you have to work really hard to push him to meet your minimum expectations then he’s just not that into you (good film and well worth a watch). I’d let this one go!

This

Original poster
Matilda142 · 26/01/2023 19:14

Thanks all, really helpful. I used to live by 'He's just not that into you' book/movie in my 20s so need to rewatch it I think! That's kind of my view, even if he didn't want to be in a relationship just yet, it's more the apps and me feeling like he's waiting to see if something better will come along. We have plans on the weekend so not sure whether to give him another date and see. As I haven't been on the dating scene for so long is hard to know whether to expect compliments at this stage! I'm going to back off either way and see if he chases...

OP posts:
Lovestoned · 26/01/2023 20:42

Also possibly emotionally unavailable. Get his stories of past relationships to check for shock events that may have damaged him, or any pattern of toxic, or long distance relationships, or just feelings of being rushed before he ended things. Speaking from experience. Or is his history quite healthy, in which case maybe he’s not into you?

Zanatdy · 26/01/2023 20:45

I’d definitely expect compliments 6 dates in. I’ve recently started dating (not online, ex colleague) and the compliments started after the first kiss. He complements me all the time; every day by message and everytime I see him. We are 2 months in and very exclusive, can definitely see it lasting the distance. I did know him beforehand but only as a colleague. This guy is keeping his options open, don’t see why he can’t pause the apps etc

Winemygoodenemy · 26/01/2023 21:16

Either way is not wrong. I want to see if we are sexually compatible before I make it more exclusive. I dint sleep about or have odd kinks, just want to make sure we click in the bedroom.

But you do know when someone is into you. I thought I knew previously but had that anxiety over asking. current DP no worries. Realised I chased dated

current DP been dating 9 months and met OLD. I was always in the camp of not deleting the app till we had the chat few months later - suppose a security blanket I barely used. With DP I knew from the 3rd date I didn’t want to keep options open, before we slept together and dated him exclusively. There was something special I wanted to explore.

He did the same and I felt that. We didn’t really talk about it until he told me he had deleted his apps from date 3 and I said I did the same. He was really complimentary at the start - now he is more into treating me or doing things for me.

6 weeks into dating me met his dad randomly out. His dad said you are my sons girlfriend that he has been smiling about? We looked at each other and said yeah I am. That’s how we became officially exclusive and got labelled. Even though me didn’t have a conversation about it just felt right.

Pesimistic · 27/01/2023 08:25

I think if you've got to back off to see if he's interested you know your answer

Livinghappy · 27/01/2023 08:34

I can see that's important to you' and the conversation ended

That's would be a No from me as I had a very similar experience and ended up 2nd guessing myself as I never knew what he was thinking. In my situation he was manipulative but it took a while to get understand it. Keep meeting others and don't interest too much in this man

xfan · 27/01/2023 12:35

Deleting the app is hardly a sign of commitment or exclusivity. It takes literally 1 minute to reload it again. I suppose losing your other "matches" is a hassle but he may already have them on WhatsApp.

imallin · 27/01/2023 12:40

No one wants to play games but if it were me, I'd back off a bit and not be the one to initiate things. See what happens! If he wants to be with you, you'll absolutely see by his actions. Keep us posted!

Original poster
Matilda142 · 27/01/2023 14:07

So he actually messaged last night saying he's deleted the apps and we had a good chat. So there we go! I'm still going to back off a little and see what happens but I'm really enjoying spending time with him so let's see

OP posts:
ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 27/01/2023 15:28

Ah that sounds promising! Good idea to play it a bit cool though. I hate game playing but have noticed a total difference in the guy I’m seeing when I’m a bit less available! So annoying.

Original poster
Matilda142 · 25/02/2023 06:13

So an update, it's now been over 2 months since we first started talking. To me feels like all is going well, have slept together, see each other several times a week.

Still no official relationship though, he says he isn't talking to anyone else or looking for anyone else but when I questioned whether we can be boyfriend/girlfriend he said it's 'early days'.

To me feels like it's time so it's making me feel insecure now like I'm not good enough but I don't know if that's just due to my past experiences. Thinking of just stopping seeing him if it's not going anywhere but equally don't know if it's just me having anxiety issues and being unreasonable. Opinions?! Is it still early days?

OP posts:
Temporaryname158 · 25/02/2023 06:44

It’s tricky, 2 months isn’t that long so wouldn’t necessarily be labelling something at that stage but what stands out to me is he isn’t meeting your needs. It feels like you want someone who complements you, is exclusive, labels you as their girlfriend. This person doesn’t do that and so I think you aren’t compatible. His answers all feel very textbook and not natural to me

Emptycrackedcup · 25/02/2023 06:46

I feel.thats not very long tbh! I think you shouldn't go exclusive either (unless you really, really like him).

Chihuahuasrule · 25/02/2023 06:49

2 months really isn't that long. Relax.

I don't think I've ever had a 'are we girlfriend/boyfriend ' conversation in my life. It's a natural progression

Bansheed · 25/02/2023 06:50

We met OLD. Slept together in the first week and were boyfriend/ girlfriend from then. Very happy and living together w years on.

However! Until I met him I had various situationships like yours, over a couple of years and I look back and and am frankly embarrassed with myself that I had put up with them. Yes it hurts, but pull the plaster off. He is not right for you, you are on different pages

LadyJJ · 25/02/2023 08:56

I’ve been with DP over two years met on OLD but chatted for ages before meeting cos of lockdown.
He asked me to be his GF on the second date We had sex in the first.
before him I’d had a few like yours also.
I think emotionally available men like to lock it down within a few dates it they want you.
I”d date other people in your situation.
Do you have really strong feelings for him?

Original poster
Matilda142 · 25/02/2023 10:17

Thanks, so a mix on opinions then! Yeh I do like him a lot so I'd like it to work out. But I can't help but think he's not that emotionally available, he's been single for a while...

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 25/02/2023 14:57

then explained that I don't have sex until I'm in a relationship and he said 'I can see that's important to you' and the conversation ended

So you had a boundary and it's moved? What is his relationship history? However I just can't understand why making it official is such a big deal to him, especially since it would make you happy and its important to you.

I think it won't go anywhere as he has heard your boundary and stepped right over it.