To say no to friend…?

[Helpisneeded100]

Hi all,

First time poster but been here a long time, will try to make this brief.

I met a friend through baby classes when our first child was born and all was good. We would meet up at baby classes and on mums nights out. Fast forward a few years and our kids are at the same school, I start getting lots of childcare requests, I didn’t mind as she was a friend. However the requests keep getting more and more and then I realise she only gets in touch when she wants something. Never to see me or ask how I am, she essentially dropped me for another set of mums, always out with them but not enough t time to go out with me, but kept asking for lots of childcare. Like sleepovers, pick kids up from school, have them for the day on the w’e, late requests so she could get her nails done etc. We both work so I don’t have more time than her, asking me to babysit so she can go on nights out with her hubby etc Also both her and her husband have good jobs, so they can afford babysitters etc but just prefer not too!!

I started taking a step back but then she moved into our street argh!!!!! After that it was even more requests and her kid was constantly round at our house. I eventually did start saying no more often but I still feel angry how she has effectively taken me for such a mug!! I feel I can’t escape now as they live on our street and our kid is at the same school!!

I guess my issue now is that I want to move on and stop being angry with this person and say no whenever I want to. But I feel I can’t as we live in the same street so she knows when I am in!!!

how do people let go of grudges and move on? I feel I really don’t want this person in my life but I can’t escape as we have mutual friends in common and I don’t want to lose these friends.

Any ideas on how I can move on and stop feeling this used and angry about this situation?

Just say no all the time. When the child shows up at yours tell your child they can go play at your neighbours house.
Have a blanket rule with your child that there is no one allowed in unless they specifically ask you first. Then you say no if it is this child.
She'll soon get the message and move on to another mug.

I had similar. Only spoke to me when she needed free childcare or pick up from school. I just started being unreliable, not answering texts until I felt like it, being busy, having stuff to get done. She moved onto someone else very quickly.

Just say no. She clearly doesn't care about you. No need to explain. Simple sorry no I can't.

Oh Ladies, thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot. I feel less alone now. Sometimes I feel like I must be crazy to feel like this. You are right she doesn’t really care about me, it’s such a shame though as I did and still do to some extent care about her. I want her to be happy but equally it got to the point where she was factoring me into her childcare arrangements 😱 I guess part of my frustration is that I can’t just exit the relationship as we have mutual friends in common but I guess I need to take a step back and that is when we interact when weare around mutual friends. It leaves me feeling a bit sad though xx

We got a big ddog. Stopped the neighbours sending their dc to play at 8 am on the week ends!

Sadly I don't think she sees you as a friend, more of a helper to her, (that doesn't get thanks or pay!) probably thinks you're grateful to be in her company if she's anything like the woman my friend had a similar situation with!
Stay away and say no!

Of course I agree with PPs who say you must say no. My advice would be not to invent excuses, because people like this will try to talk you round. I'm sorry, I can't help this time or I'm busy should be sufficient. And of course there will be occasions where you do have a genuine excuse! Once you've regained a bit of control you might find yourself able to help her out from time to time and maintain the friendship.

The only person who can change this is you.

Stop answering her texts.
If her child comes to your door, say not today, we are busy.

If she comes to your door and asks for childcare, tell her you are too busy, it doesn't suit you.

She is a user who thinks you are a mug.

The only person who can stop you being a mug is you.

Lots of people have this problem and the only way to stop it is to accept she is not your friend, she thinks you are a mug, and you need to be able to accept that she will not want you being free child care to end.

She will probably really push hard to bully you, but you have to keep saying NO, it doesn't suit me.

Now that you're on the same street is she just sending her DC to your house or does she ask first?

When she asks, say no and don't give a reason.
When he turns up say "sorry we can't have you over right now" and send him home.

Just because she knows you are home, doesn't mean you have to say yes.

As others have said, just say its not convenient or you're busy and keep doing it. She is a user.

You don't owe her anything so don't feel bad about saying no.

It’s unsettling how instinctively exploitative some people are. And actually you shouldn’t be babysitting for free anyway; not unless she’s returning the favour. Everyone knows you pay for babysitters, either in cash or in kind.

You are all right and I definitely needed to hear that it is only me who can change this situation and I need to get a bit of a backbone and just do it. I also really needed to hear she doesn’t see me as a friend, just someone who is useful to her and that I don’t owe her anything. I really don’t owe her anything, it’s quite a revelation to me today. Which I know sounds a bit mad but I suppose I have always thought I did as we have mutual friends but I really don’t.

She is quite happy to organise nights out with mutual friends without me so I can do the same.

The child always turns up at my door, I feel guilty turning a child away but I need to realise that is not my fault, the mum should check with me first.

I guess I just don’t understand why people are like this. Also the other group of mums she dumped me for are now distancing themselves from her and I feel my friend is now trying to draw me back in to her and I am feeling stressed out as I don’t want to be drawn back in. Although I hate to think of anyone being lonely but I guess it’s ok to put me first too.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble ladies but I am finding this really helpful, thank you all for responding to me and giving me advice I really appreciate it. Xx

@Dery this is exactly it, I find it really sad and unsettling. It took me a while to realise when she asked me what I was up to it wasn’t because she was hoping to meet up for a coffee etc but it was more to check I was free before she asked for a favour!

Also when her family had covid I always checked in see if I could help or bring them anything. When my family had it, one at a time over the course of a month it was complete radio silence! That was quite an eye opener for me. Xx

You sound like such a nice person but she spotted that and thought Right, I can use her.

It's hard to believe how awful some mothers are to deliberately target and use others, but there you are.

She is counting on you to be too soft to say no to her child at the door.

It is so empowering to surprise someone with a No, not happening.

You will feel good.

Her child is NOT your responsibility.

She really could care less about you.

It is 100% about how useful you are to her.

Keep reminding yourself of that, just how big a mug she thinks you are.

NO ONE needs someone like that in their life.

Think of saying NO as a muscle that you have never used.

The first few times its difficult and feels uncomfortable.

But then you ease into it, do it several times and suddenly it doesn't feel so strange and weird, and it isn't awkward or uncomfortable anymore.

That's what assertiveness and saying No is like.

Learn to say to ANYONE that asks you for something "Let me get back to you about that".

Then when you have a moment, it is so much easier to text back a big fat "NO, that doesn't suit me".

The more you do that, the easier it will become.

I think as others have said you need to say no more and not feel like you are being mean. No excuses simply no or she may possibly try to get around them. She will find someone else.

If their child and yours are actually friends and enjoy each others company and play on weekends or after school then let it happen when it's convenient to you and your family. My mum had an open door policy to our friends and would give snacks and dinner etc. Their parents were more than happy for their kids to be at ours but we soon realised that their parents would never do a fraction of it and we were rarely asked to come into their homes.

You're over thinking this. Not a criticism - most of us do! It helps to remind yourself of that when you feel really anxious about saying no, what will happen when you see her woth your mutuals etc. She isn't sitting home wringing her hands that she has taken the piss out of you with her fake "friendship" so don't you do that yourself.

When I was learning to be more assertive I found it easier to just be "busy" all the time. If questioned I made stuff up. Waiting on someone to come to see the boiler, waiting on my mum to call from abroad, going to drop something off at the village hall shortly...generic stuff. It does get easier, that was about 10 years ago and now I don't think twice. Also my kids are really comfortable dealing with situations others find awkward and don't have the anxiety dealing with them which is nice.

Child at door, I hope it's locked!
'Hi, sorry you can't come in and play it's not convenient. Get your mum to message first to check then you won't have a wasted walk'

CF request - hi can ds come play / you babysit
Leave unread for quite a while, increase each time. Then the same message each time. 'Hi, sorry it's not convenient, hope everyone is well'. Then don't check for a reply.

Basically slowly make yourself useless to her. I predict she'll ask you out for coffee when she realises to draw you back in. But I wouldn't bother.

Honestly say no and don’t be sorry. If you give it headspace you might as well of said yes.

You’ve done more than enough, she’s a user and you deserve your time/life back! Say no. That’s enough!

You're far too nice for her. The thing is that the nicer you are, the less she respects you.

I think a few home truths wouldn't go amiss. She needs to be told that you know she only contacts you when she wants something from you, and that the kindness from you isn't reciprocated.

I agree with the PP - some people just have that innate ability to only think of themselves.

I'd just reply to every single childcare request with a short and simple

'I'm sorrry - that doesn't work for us. Hope you manage to sort something.'

except I'd spell 'sorry' correctly 😁

Agree with pp that you need to say no, every time, don’t give reasons. I had a ‘friend’ like this, I found asking her for childcare every time she asked me also stopped her asking anymore!! e.g:

her: can u watch my kids this afternoon, I’m going to get my nails done?
me: no, we’re busy this afternoon, can you have mine on Thursday, I’m getting my hair cut?
her:

Oh these are all fab replies thank you so much! You are right I just need to be less useful to her and then she will move onto someone else, which I think would be a huge relief to me.

@Natty13 you are so right I completely overthink these things and I know she isn’t sitting at home wondering how I am, I suspect she doesn’t think of me very often at all only when she needs something. You are also right in that I want to set a good example to my kids so they don’t end up like me. I need to get more comfortable in doing what’s right for me, rather than feeling I always have to include them. Because when I do they quite often ask me for favours! Her and her hubby came round for dinner once with the group of mutual friends and she spent some time on her phone at the dinner table! I thought that was quite rude!!

I think in an ideal world I would be able to just not see her at all but that isn’t going to happen. So I need to toughen up a bit and not be worried about saying no and not worrying about what it would be like with mutual friends either. I am hoping over time the more I say no, the more comfortable about it I will be. Then I will be ok in spending time with her with mutual friends. Right now I have to mentally prep myself when I do incase she asks for favours! Which is not the way I want to start a night out 🤣🤣

A tip I read on another thread on MN that I have whole-heartedly adopted is that if I someone asks me something to my face I now always say 'I'll check the calendar when I get home and let you know'. It means you're far less likely to say 'yes' because of the pressure of being there face to face.

I always respond 'I will have to check with himself' before agreeing to anything. I had a 'friend' like yours once. All take. I got rid of her as she was a user.

And stop calling her your friend and start referring to her as a sponge!