To say no to friend…?

[Helpisneeded100]

Hi all,

First time poster but been here a long time, will try to make this brief.

I met a friend through baby classes when our first child was born and all was good. We would meet up at baby classes and on mums nights out. Fast forward a few years and our kids are at the same school, I start getting lots of childcare requests, I didn’t mind as she was a friend. However the requests keep getting more and more and then I realise she only gets in touch when she wants something. Never to see me or ask how I am, she essentially dropped me for another set of mums, always out with them but not enough t time to go out with me, but kept asking for lots of childcare. Like sleepovers, pick kids up from school, have them for the day on the w’e, late requests so she could get her nails done etc. We both work so I don’t have more time than her, asking me to babysit so she can go on nights out with her hubby etc Also both her and her husband have good jobs, so they can afford babysitters etc but just prefer not too!!

I started taking a step back but then she moved into our street argh!!!!! After that it was even more requests and her kid was constantly round at our house. I eventually did start saying no more often but I still feel angry how she has effectively taken me for such a mug!! I feel I can’t escape now as they live on our street and our kid is at the same school!!

I guess my issue now is that I want to move on and stop being angry with this person and say no whenever I want to. But I feel I can’t as we live in the same street so she knows when I am in!!!

how do people let go of grudges and move on? I feel I really don’t want this person in my life but I can’t escape as we have mutual friends in common and I don’t want to lose these friends.

Any ideas on how I can move on and stop feeling this used and angry about this situation?

Sorry I can't is easy enough to say, or text, with no other explanation.

Definitely start saying "no, it's not a good time", or "we're busy, sorry". If she asks what you're up to just say something like "oh I'll not bore you with the details", or "just loads on at the moment".

Other mums will eventually realise what a CF she is too.

Please don't feel guilty, she's a user! She never invites you to things, never asks after you...she just wants a nanny. Does she ever offer back?!

Look: she’s sniffed you out like a blood hound. Users like her target nice people like you. She knows she can walk all over you and she knows you will let her. This happened to me when I was younger. Now I have seen how people behave, I don’t entertain this shit. I don’t care if I come across as rude. I don’t care what people think of me. I live my life how I want to live it. The menopause helped me get very tough - don’t allow yourself to wait that long!

I have noticed that women tend to phase people out, rather than calling them out. Some women are extremely skilled at batting away users’ requests. One option, if you really can’t change your own behaviour due to discomfort, is to send your h to tell her face to face that you will not be doing anymore babysitting because you have done far too much and her child is intruding onto your family time and you are used as a free childminding service with a charade of a friendship. Don’t write it down or text it as it could be screenshotted and you’ll look the mean one.

A useful phrase I learned from an old friend:
"can I ask a favour?"
"ask away - the worst I can do is say No!"
delivered in a breezy tone and with a cheery smile.

There is no doubt that some people are takers. In some cases, you could ask for favours back and they'd do them, but if you're not comfortable, then it becomes one way (DH has this problem - he feels guilty if someone looks after our DC for 5 minutes while he goes to the toilet). Others are like this woman.

Agree with all the other advice. I would say if the child comes over and your child wants to play, I'd let that one happen. But it needs to be entirely on your terms. we had a neighbourhood boy who would turn up. To be fair, DS was happy to play with him, but I never felt a moment's guilt announcing, "Right, Pete, of you go now - we have to do homework/make dinner/go out."

Also, agree with just be less available. Don't respond to messages. Give yourself time to think. Be vague.

@billy1966 is spot on here - the only person that can change things is you!

You are not being unreasonable or unkind - rather too kind. You 'friend' has spotted that and is taking advantage. I would bet that she has form for this and you may find in time that other people like you, have had the same treatment and will come to the same conclusion.

I had a similar friend. Initially very friendly and nice - but then I realised she always asked favours but never ever reciprocated, or worse, would offer to help, and then let me down last minute. I also found when I first started saying 'No, I can't do it', she would start asking why, and then if I gave a reason, she would start offering 'solutions' so that I could still help her🙄. It was exhausting. But I stood firm, and gradually she learnt to ask others instead. I did miss her friendship, but decided it wasn't worth accepting her constant pisstaking.

Fast forward 10 years on, I bumped into her. She told me that she doesn't keep in touch with any of the school mums anymore. Probably because her kids are all adults now and she has no need for their services!

I appreciate this won't be popular but honestly in my experience there are lots of nice children about and I never thought twice about giving a hard swerve to the ones that had a user/PITA mother attached to them.

My friends were the same, simply couldn't be arse.
We were all too busy living our lives and trying to juggle it all to spend time around users.
I came across a few and quickly became wise and unavailable.

One tip my friend used was to change the name on her phone to "User" to remind her NOT to answer or reply to her PITA neighbour. She said it really helped.

Also once I said No I can't to something, I didn't reply to any further to a follow up text.

Not seeing texts, and not answering them is very useful too.

Make sure your door is locked so that child can't walk in.

Answer the door on your own without your child so you can say a clear No, it doesn't suit.

I guess my issue now is that I want to move on and stop being angry with this person and say no whenever I want to. But I feel I can’t as we live in the same street so she knows when I am in!!!
She'd be just as annoying & using if she still lived in her old home. her proximity now just challenges your unwilllingness to "confront" AKA challenge the cheeky fuckery.
It doesn't matter that she knows when you are in.
It wouldn't matter if you gave up work, & never went out again. You being at home does not equal instant ad hoc childcare for her.
All you need to do is say so. If she asks - or, as I suspect, just sends little Johnny round so you feel you can't say no - is ... say that no!
"Sorry Johnny it's not a good time, tell mum I'll message her when we can do a playdate, off you pop now."

how do people let go of grudges and move on? I feel I really don’t want this person in my life but I can’t escape as we have mutual friends in common and I don’t want to lose these friends.
Nobody gets rid of a grudge by holding onto it, which is what you are inadvertently doing by seething in silence.
So you need to woman up, stop seething, & start stating your feelings.
Why do you think you would lose friends by refusing to be this woman's servant? Anybody who backs away from friendship from you for such a ridiculous reason was never your friend, so stop worrying about it.

Any ideas on how I can move on and stop feeling this used and angry about this situation?
Yup.
Stop doing it.
Playdates are by invitation only, (for the sake of your child, not the other child's parents), no more pickups, no more late requests, no more trivial requests, no more babysitting & sleepovers.

It won't be easy first time, but it is very simple, & hets remarkably easier with practice.
Depending on how ... tactful or otherwise you want to be:

"No, it's not convenient, I'll text you with a date when we can have Johnny over."
"No, can't pick him up tonight, we've got plans." (those plans might be eating pizza in your pyjamas while binging Netflix - irrelevant, you don't need to justify them)
"No, I can't have him all day, we're having family time."
"Wow, haven't heard from you since the last time you needed childcare! No, can't take him to school, but will text you later if I need you to take my child to school for me." (obvs don't)
"Don't you feel this has become a bit of a one-way street? You only contact me when you need childcare, & never offer any yourself, so it's time for you to look at other options as you've used up most of my goodwill now."
"The boys play well together, so I'm happy to facilitate that, by invitation, but I'm no longer available to help you out ad hoc"

Also the other group of mums she dumped me for are now distancing themselves from her and I feel my friend is now trying to draw me back in to her and I am feeling stressed out as I don’t want to be drawn back in. Although I hate to think of anyone being lonely but I guess it’s ok to put me first too.

Give yourself a shake OP!

IF this woman feels lonely (unlikely - users don't 'miss' people, they miss the services attached to people), she's only lonely because her using behaviour has made other mums distance themselves.

Why do you feel you ought to ... feel anything about that?
You didn't make this woman a user. She did that all by herself.
You are not responsible for how other people respond to her. All you need to do is start managing your own responses to her more rigorously.

I think your a nice lady and you don't mind helping a friend out. You noticed that despite having her child on play dates and doing nights babysitting that she has never done the same for you. In fact she lets her child call to your house and then expects you to mind them and never asks you do you mind this says it all.

One of my friends had the same problem. She had this child in her house several times and the father would say we have x (her child) up to ours. This hardly ever happened. Then she got the phone call could you collect y from school and look after him till 6. Parent would then collect their child at 7 or 8 o'clock.

My friend had enough of this. She saved both parents numbers on her phone and when there name came up she did not answer. If she met them at the school gate and was asked to look after the child she was busy/had to call to her mother.

She then found out that they had done the same to other parents in the school.

When her child comes around you tell them they can't play as it does not suit you. Tell them as well get your mammy to ring me before you call around here. I think at this stage I say to her if she wants you to mind her child that you can do this once she starts to mind yours.
I also tell her not to send her child around to your house for unplanned play dates.
If she does this again call around to her house at 800 on a Sunday morning, keep ringing her bell and tell her that your child wants to play with hers. I say it great that your up as it's time she returned the favour after all your babysitting.
Better still you might get her husband and tell him that your wife's free babysitting service is over.

My friend also helps out another mother who works at times. This lady only asks for help when stuck but she is not using my friend as a free babysitting service. This lady makes time to see my friend for child free time. She also did a major favour for my friend in regards to one of her children. Friendship requires a bit of give and not taking always.

Her - could you do me a favour.
You - no can do.
Her - would you be able to have child's name.
You - no
Her - could you possibly help me with having child's name.
You - can't.
I mean what's she going to do, ignore you even more than she is doing.

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay, work and getting the kids from school has kept me busy. Thank you all so so much for all your help and ways to postpone saying yes to give me time and space to think if it is something I really want to do.

When I was reading back some of the comments I made, like ‘How to stop feeling angry’ I thought is this really me? I couldn’t believe this could be me?! It’s so sad! @KettrickenSmiled you are so right in your response! I feel angry because I keep getting asked which makes me feel like so weak and no self respect! I really want to say no and you are correct the only way to feel better about it all and not angry is to say no and then move on. For my own self respect I need to toughen up and stop worrying about what she thinks or feels as she isn’t really thinking about me. God it feels quite liberating to say this, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders 🤩

it’s not that I won’t ever help someone if they genuinely need it, i just don’t want to be taken advantage of and made to feel like a mug!

I now feel I know how to be in control of the situation instead of being just impacted by it and it feels good. Thank you so much all, your responses have truly helped me today xx

I have had "friends" who used the same manipulation technique on me. This is a tough one to deal with. The conversation, in my experience usually goes something like,
User: Oh, Aloris, HIIIII!!!!! It's SO NICE to see you. I haven't seen you in AGES! How have you BEEN???!
You: Oh, not too bad, busy as usual.
User: You are so right! Us mothers are always busy all the time. We deserve some free time, don't you think? I hope you're taking some time out for yourself! We should get together some time. Oh that reminds me, have you seen the new teahouse on Elm Road? I've heard they have the best lemon cakes. I was thinking of trying it sometime.
You: No, I haven't, it sounds lovely.
User: Oh, what are you doing this weekend? Are you free on Saturday morning, say before noon?
You: I think I'm free (thinking she's going to ask you to join her for lemon cakes at the teahouse).
User: Oh, great, because I was going to ask you if you could babysit Tammy and Joe for me so I can meet my bestie at the teahouse at 10 am. I've been run off my feet lately and really need the break, otherwise I'm going to collapse from exhaustion. It would be so great if you could babysit, and maybe sometime in the future [the future that will never, ever arrive] I can return the favor so you can get a nice little break.

After enough conversations like this, I learned to see it coming. If someone comes up to me and seems excited to see me, I know they're going to ask me to do them a favor, or volunteer for something, or give them my left arm. My guard goes up.

It is hard though, when you are in the same friend group as the User, because sometimes they catch you off guard at a group activity when you are joking and laughing and are relaxed with people who are actually nice to you. And you don't want to keep your guard up around these other people because it takes away from the relaxation. So that is a difficult one.

God it feels quite liberating to say this, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders

😂😂😍

Welcome to the new, assertive you!
Now order this book as a gift to yourself.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

If your 'friend' makes another request before you've safely got your paws on the book, a swift response of -
"you seem to have mistaken me for a free childcare provision, & I seem to have mistaken you for a friend. By all means let me know when you are ready to return any of the many favours I've done you, but until then, piss off!"

It will save you considerable reading time

This has probably been suggested already but can you start asking HER for childcare? And if she says she can't, be blunt about the fact you've had her kids loads and need the favour back. That might make her stop asking...

The way to move on and stop being angry is to tell her how you feel. I really struggle with this kind of stuff but I've found that after you do it once you get the confidence to do it more. I used to say yes to things I didn't want to do. I'd inconvenience myself and bend over backwards to please other people then be angry and stew/overthink. Now I just say no sorry that doesn't work for me. Sometimes you have to learn to be more selfish with certain people or they will walk all over you.

If this person isn't someone you consider a real friend or socialise with now anyway (you say she's dumped you for another set of friends) then you have nothing to lose by saying no.

You just have to be brave enough to have one difficult conversation. It'll feel uncomfortable, but such a relief once it's done.

Sorry just seen this.

That's the spirit!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I would just say NO plain and simple by doing it a few times she would get the drift surely and if not just don’t answer her texts she’s no friend.

This is such good advice. Making excuses can get messy and can also make you feel guilty. Definitely need to shift the control back to you. Good luck

Sometimes when friends of dc turn up at the door, I just say, 'great, you all can play, but you can't play here because I'm busy' and I shove them both out the door to go back to kid 1's house. Just do that. A playdate isn't childcare and if she wants them to play, they can do it at hers.

Sending the dc over makes it easier for you.

'Sorry ,Childs name, you can't come to play, off you go back home'

Or if your dc want to 'sorry x but you can't play here, would you like my dc to come and play at your house instead' and off they toddle to her house