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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister telling abusive ex about inheritance

31 replies

myturntonamechange · 26/01/2023 08:00

My mum died recently and my very low contact sister and I have been in contact a bit more via WhatsApp. The main reason we’re VLC is when I left my abusive ex many years ago, she sided with him. Her view was that I was making a bit of a fuss over nothing and have MH issues.

We had no contact for 10 years and then we have very gradually moved to a happy birthday message and a couple of times had a Christmas cup of tea. I haven’t seen her since 2019, but things were warmer.

My mum died recently and left me £20k and DD (just 18) £10k. By a quirk of the will, the money is paid into DD’s account and she now has to pay me my share.

Last night DD told me my sister had told my ex how much I was inheriting and he told DD how much we were both getting (I hadn’t told DD yet how much, but she knew my mum had died and there was a small inheritance). I’m very hurt by my sister’s actions and was already dithering about going to the funeral (we’re full Stately Homes).

What should I do? Or leave it?

OP posts:
silverclock222 · 26/01/2023 08:06

Go to the funeral, be polite and respectful but above all keep your distance. Going forward you can ask her why she told him - it may have been passing conversation or intentional, the problem is might not get the truth you want. Keep it civil and see where things go from there.

Twotolove · 26/01/2023 08:08

Go to the funeral but keep her at a distance. Be polite and civil but at the end of the day walk away and don't get in contact with her again. I think if you didn't go to the funeral you might regret it later down the line.

Original poster
myturntonamechange · 26/01/2023 08:15

Thanks. I was already undecided about going to the funeral. It’s in a different country so involves flying and staying at least two nights. This would most likely be with relatives I haven’t seen for 25 years and she’s be staying there too.

OP posts:
anonymousMuse · 26/01/2023 08:19

With your update OP of it being flights and staying with relatives I think there's 2 options. 1 is to go for the funeral part only - church or Crem. Do not stay with relatives, book a hotel. 2. Don't go. This would be the option I'd take tbh, and I'd be telling "dear" sister exactly why, along with anyone else who asked. Then cut your contact. I don't understand this family loyalty that keeps people tied to absolute bastards who will stab you in the back as soon as look at you. I went NC with my own DS a long time ago. You don't owe her anything.

whataboutnow · 26/01/2023 08:21

Totally off the point but Is the quirk of the will so that you won't lose benefits because it pushes you over the savings limits. I think I'd be more concerned your ex will be reporting you for that.

Original poster
myturntonamechange · 26/01/2023 08:55

whataboutnow · 26/01/2023 08:21

Totally off the point but Is the quirk of the will so that you won't lose benefits because it pushes you over the savings limits. I think I'd be more concerned your ex will be reporting you for that.

Out of interest why do you assume I’m on benefits? I’m a higher rate tax payer in my early 50s and will retire soon and live off my investments. Part of the reason why my ex is still trying to get money from me. Domestic abuse happens to anyone, not just downtrodden women in council housing on UC.

The quirk of the will is due to the legal system in the country where my mum lived.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 26/01/2023 08:59

I’d go to the funeral but stay at a hotel, sounds like that wouldn’t be an issue financially?

What do you think your sister was trying to achieve by telling your ex? Very odd!

But, ultimately you can just ignore him, does it really matter that he knows?

donquixotedelamancha · 26/01/2023 09:10

Do whatever suits you with regards to the funeral, don't factor your sister in, she's not worth it. In the long run you may feel better for having said goodbye properly or (I'm inferring that mum was abusive) you may decide you can look after yourself better at home. You are the only person who's opinion matters.

In future there is no reason not to do birthday and christmas cards, she will always be your sister, but you know you can't trust her to respect or value your feelings so she will (sadly) always have to remain at arms length.

Neither her, or your ex, are really in your life anymore. Focus on getting though this tough time and then let them go.

billy1966 · 26/01/2023 09:19

Only go to the funeral if you really want to.
Suit yourself completely.
If you feel you can say goodbye to your mother without travelling, then do it.
Completely suit yourself.

Stay away from your sister COMPLETELY.

She wishes you harm.

Stay completely away from her

kittybiscuits · 26/01/2023 09:25

My sympathies OP. I am no contact for very similar reasons. I would try and separate the funeral from the sister issue. Go if you want to and make your arrangements as separate as you need to. Regarding your sister, she has built the smallest bridge with you and at the first opportunity has let you down. I would cut all contact as soon as it's viable. I don't miss my sister at all. Life is too short to make time for people who only want to harm you the moment they get an opportunity. Does your DD have regular contact with her?

NewFoxOldTricks · 26/01/2023 09:27

A funeral is not for the person who died, they dont care.
A funeral is for those left behind. If you want to say goodbye in a different way, perhaps going for a long walk or sitting somewhere thinking about your mum then thats fine.

Fuck everyone else, they are not as important as you are

Sorry for your lose Flowers

SnackyOnassis · 26/01/2023 09:41

Oh wow OP, I'm sorry for your sister's behaviour, it sounds malicious but I can't understand to what end.

To the more looming issue - is there a danger your ex is going to try to contact your DD to swindle her out of her inheritance, let alone yours? If you haven't had a very frank conversation with your daughter about the kind of person he is, this seems like a very urgent thing to do, and to ensure she's confident in fending off any requests for money from him.

Your sister has endangered your daughter here, even if you're strong enough to stand up to him, she might not have your practice or your memory of why he's not in your lives.

Original poster
myturntonamechange · 26/01/2023 09:55

DD18 has been seeing her dad 50/50 for the last year or so after it having been EOW for most of her childhood. She loves her dad and wants to see him. He has put in claims to the CMS and told them he has her five nights a week. For reasons they won’t explain (no court order, evidence from me that I only agreed to 50/50), they have supported his claim and I am now having to pay £600 a month via a deductions from earning order while I wait 6-8 months for my appeal to be heard.

I’d been NC with my mum for 25 years and had a very difficult childhood and young adulthood. Going to the funeral was more about establishing a connection with my family. I made my peace about her death and our relationship a long time ago. I feel sad she had an unhappy life and couldn’t find joy or contentment.

OP posts:
Giggorata · 26/01/2023 09:55

If you want to go to the funeral, it sounds as though you have enough money to stay in a hotel and not get embroiled in staying with relatives and endure lots of stuff.

If all of the inheritance money is going into your daughter's account, I would be wary of someone trying to induce her to give them money.

It all sounds very uncomfortable.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/01/2023 09:57

I'd go to the funeral at the appointed time and no more.

I'd then go back to NC with the sister. She sounds vile.

billy1966 · 26/01/2023 10:06

If you were NC for so long, think long and hard about how going will benefit you.

It is not about your mother, it is 100% of how it will benefit you.

Your sister is poisonous so do not allow her back into your life, it will only bring you pain, upset, and drama.

Be gentle and kind to yourself and lean on those you trust.

Inertia · 26/01/2023 10:11

Don’t go to the funeral.

I would be strongly encouraging DD to move her in her to a locked-in long term ISA- your ex sounds like the kind of man who would pressure DD into giving him the money.

Inertia · 26/01/2023 10:11
  • inheritance
Skyeheather · 26/01/2023 10:12

Be very careful of your ex getting his hands on the £30k by getting your DD to transfer it to him. Find out when the payment will be made then transfer the money elsewhere immediately.

Fancylike · 26/01/2023 10:58

It sounds like the most pressing concern would be your ex getting DD to “loan” him cash once the balance is transferred. Then it never being seen again.

Don’t go to the funeral, sounds like you’ve been able to make your peace.

Original poster
myturntonamechange · 26/01/2023 11:29

Thanks everyone and it’s useful to hear a variety of views. Last night my initial reaction was ‘back to NC, I won’t go to the funeral’, but when I went to bed I thought don’t be hasty, maybe I over reacted. That’s part of the reason I started this thread.

So I messaged my sister about an hour ago saying DD had told me that my sister had told my ex how much money I was getting. I said it was surprised so wanted to check with her.

She’s messaged back saying she saw him recently as he’d got in touch when DD told him our mum had died. She says she mentioned it to him and says organising the funeral and mum’s affairs have been a lot of work for her and my uncle. No comment on why she thought it was acceptable to share my personal information with my ex.

OP posts:
trulyunruly01 · 26/01/2023 11:44

I'd get DD out of the equation as soon as poss. Is she likely to come under pressure to withhold your share of the inheritance? Can she withstand that pressure?
I think there is more to your sister's casual mention of the inheritance in passing to your ex - mentioning how much time she and her h have spent on your mother's affairs says to me she resents that you who haven't been around (for valid reasons) will now receive the cash.
Alternatively, if your dd has a very strong character, take yourself out of the equation - were you planning to help dd with uni costs, or a house deposit? Can you tell her to hold onto the £20k in lieu of this. I think if it were me, I might feel a little more at peace if I did that, a sort of final "closure" to my relationship with my mother. I'd attend the funeral and leave with a wee smile and a thought of "thanks for nothing, now it's all about me".
As you say, you have your plans in place. Enjoy them.

billy1966 · 26/01/2023 11:46

Inertia · 26/01/2023 10:11

Don’t go to the funeral.

I would be strongly encouraging DD to move her in her to a locked-in long term ISA- your ex sounds like the kind of man who would pressure DD into giving him the money.

He's clearly after your daughters money.

Speak plainly to her and get that money moved asap so that she isn't susceptible to coercion by him.

She had no business telling him your business.

Stay away from her.

luckylavender · 26/01/2023 13:16

whataboutnow · 26/01/2023 08:21

Totally off the point but Is the quirk of the will so that you won't lose benefits because it pushes you over the savings limits. I think I'd be more concerned your ex will be reporting you for that.

Nasty post. I do hope you've read the OP's reply.

Original poster
myturntonamechange · 26/01/2023 16:50

The money is now in DD’s account including my share. I’ve asked her to transfer it all to me to minimise the risk of cyber and other fraud, and so that we can have a bit of time to work out where she wants to keep it plus the money she came into for her 18th, E.g. Child Trust Fund.

Bank security means she can only transfer £500 a day and she doesn’t have telephone banking set up to call them to authorise the transfer. So another hurdle we need to work through.

At least as she’s 18, her dad can’t access the money and I don’t think she’d let him near my portion but hard to tell about her share. He pleads poverty and his long term GF just ended things a few weeks ago for ‘no reason, but she is going through the menopause but he’s not allowed to say that’ according to DD.

I haven’t replied to my sister’s message as I have no idea what I would say. I’m incredibly hurt, but it’s not the sucker punch it was years ago when she first colluded with my ex and threw me under the bus.

OP posts: