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Original poster

Can I ever forgive and move on?

44 replies

Helens1992 · 26/01/2023 07:03

I have been with my partner for 11 years, and a couple of years ago we made the joint decision to marry. To start the process, we both visited a few venues last year, and took the details, as you do. We decided on our dream venue for our wedding this year.
At the time, I was doing 12 hour shifts as part of my nursing studies, so I asked my partner whether he could contact the venue for us, which he did in the first instance. My partner made me aware when he received the contract, and at the time, we both agreed to go ahead, and he emailed the contract ahead to me so I can sign my parts. I did, and sent this back to him, for him to sign his part.

Naturally, I asked him whether he had sent the contract and paid the required money, and he confirmed that he did.
Fast forward a few months, I started to notice that my partner was being quite distant and evasive about our wedding, and it made me feel that his heart wasn't really in it. We spoke in depth about this, but he consistently denied it, saying he was excited and looking forward to everything. Small lies started to come out about small trivial matters, which didn't help how I was feeling.

Then, I woke up on Saturday morning with an indescribable feeling of dread, and my mind wandered to our venue. It had been several months since the contract was signed, why hadn't we heard anything from them? My partner had told me a few times that he had sent what was needed, paid the money etc.

I asked my partner whether he had received an invoice of the booking and payment, and he spent half an hour searching through his inbox. I agreed to ring the venue to ask for them to confirm everything and send something through for us.

Then... he admitted that he did not send the contract, or pay any money to the venue to secure the booking, for 4 months. In that time, another couple had booked our date, and the person we were liasing with, had left her post. He admitted that obviously he had not received an invoice, and had looked through his inbox for an email he knew didn't even exist.

Now, I have lost my trust in him, as we have both been sending save the date cards, booking entertainment, choosing invitations, I booked my dress fitting etc. All that time, he has known that the venue has not been even booked, and consistently told me that it has. He said that he tried to find another date, but whenever they sent a reply, he has waited a month to reply to each of their emails. He cannot give me an answer to explain why he has done what he has done.

Help! Sorry this has been such a long post.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 26/01/2023 07:27

I’d like to say there is a highly complex psychological reason behind his actions. But it could be the simple explanation is the real one, that he just doesn’t want to get married.

TicketBoo23 · 26/01/2023 07:27

He cannot give me an answer to explain why he has done what he has done.

I think it's more he won't.

He needs to be honest.

As to the deception.... incredibly weird, immature, deeply unfair behaviour, and a sign of a personality that I'd not be advising anyone to trust or invest in, I'm sorry.

Tangelablue · 26/01/2023 07:34

This sounds so frustrating. If you hadn't had that gut feeling, I'm wondering if he would have let you turn up on the day, in your dress to find another couple having their wedding. Maybe deep down he doesn't want to marry?

Velvetbee · 26/01/2023 07:37

How is he generally with life admin stuff?

Rickiticki · 26/01/2023 07:39

He has shown you he isn’t trustworthy and doesn’t want to commit to marriage. As discussions lead to lies they’re pointless. I’m sorry to be so blunt, OP.
Are you sure we have both been sending save the date cards, booking entertainment, choosing invitations? If it’s just you, he’s placed you in an extremely embarrassing situation.

RoaRoaRasputin · 26/01/2023 07:47

What is wrong with men!

Cancel the wedding.

Original poster
Helens1992 · 26/01/2023 08:12

Already have!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helens1992 · 26/01/2023 08:13

You are completely right, and I appreciate bluntness at the moment!
Yes, I took a lead with booking other things, and I have had to approach everyone to cancel it all. I have obviously told my own family who are being extremely supportive, but his own family are willing to lie for him to cover his tracks, to save face to other people -.-

OP posts:
Original poster
Helens1992 · 26/01/2023 08:15

It probably would have gone that far, if I was less intelligent..

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 26/01/2023 08:25

Do not marry this man. He has shown he's unreliable and happy to lie. If you hadn't checked with the venue he wouldn't have come clean. How long would he have left it before he told you. He will let you down again in the future and now the trust has gone. You will never be able to trust him to organise or sort anything out. I'm sure he will come up with some excuse like stress or depression but that's simply not good enough. He won't have your back when you need him. Move on op you deserve better than this.

Rickiticki · 26/01/2023 08:38

The bedrock of a sound relationship consists of truth and trust. He’s not got what it takes.

LadyHarmby · 26/01/2023 08:39

Is this just disorganisation or is it that he doesn’t want to get married? What does he say when you ask him this question?

Divebar2021 · 26/01/2023 08:45

Presumably no money left the account for the venue?

Its a weird one isn’t it because if you had signed the contract all it needed was to send it…. The simplest thing which he was unable to do. If you’re happy that all the money is there ( and this is not a case of him spending it on gambling etc ) then there’s only really one conclusion. How was his behaviour when you found out?

Preraph · 26/01/2023 11:49

I'm inclined to agree with all the responses to your post. I'm not going to try and analyse his behaviour as I don't know him, all I would say is this, if there's one thing I've learnt over the years from all sorts of relationships, whether they've been romantic or friendship based is that people are consistent, someone who lies to you will lie again, someone who betrays your trust will do so again...I'm sure you get the idea. If you can't trust him to help with something so important to both your futures then I'm afraid you're the road to nowhere with this relationship.

Ghostbuster2639 · 26/01/2023 14:30

This is a dumpable offence. I think when people commit dumpable offences it’s because they want to be dumped, regardless of what they might say.

He has made the decision to prove to you he can’t be trusted, and he’s done it in quite a spectacular way. There can now be no real relationship between you two as the loss of trust is so severe.

Sorry op but I think he wants out. Continuing will only push the inevitable further into the future.

Back2Back2t · 26/01/2023 14:41

I must admit, I find the situation quite strange. No "normal" person who is in love and looking forward to getting married would do something like this.

OP, I'm sorry to say, he's not interested in getting married. It's debatable whether or not he's even interested in this relationship.

It's almost like he's afraid of something, but why not just talk to you about it?

To answer your question - It would be a No for me. I couldn't move on from that.

Moredrama · 26/01/2023 16:13

Is it likely there was an issue with funds, and by the time he had got straight the date had been given to someone else and he didn’t know how to tell you? Then the more you planned the more out of control it got and he felt too scared to own up knowing he had let you down?
People do stupid things when they have messed up, and it seems to escalate and get out of hand.
It wouldn’t excuse what he’s done but perhaps help to make sense of it.

Only you can decide whether you can forgive him and move on. If you decide to stay together you could tell those less close to you that you’ve decided to postpone for financial reasons or changed your mind on the venue.

Either way he needs to be honest with you now. He’s either messed up and needs to be upfront, or he doesn’t really want to get married and needs to let you go

LoekMa · 26/01/2023 18:42

You're still moving forward with the wedding?

Sunk cost fallacy is real.

Tigresses · 26/01/2023 19:11

Interesting that his family are covering for him - does he have form? Have they covered for him before.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

He obviously doesn’t want to get married and is unable to express that.

Save him the bother and end it - which at the same time will save you a divorce down the line.

This is a despicable thing to do to you - and it’s not just one incident - it’s a whole series of numerous deceptions where he made active choices each time - right down to the fake scrolling.

Don’t try to work him out - just take serious action to extricate yourself from this situationship - because there is zero trust.

Siameasy · 26/01/2023 20:29

Oh God I feel sick reading it on your behalf. What a horrible way to behave. I would definitely want the truth.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/01/2023 20:37

@Moredrama I suspect this is the case too- who was paying OP?? Or was it money already there in a joint account because a signicant deposit would be needed

category12 · 26/01/2023 20:41

I'd cancel the wedding and rethink the relationship.

He clearly doesn't want to get married.

Seaoftroubles · 26/01/2023 21:50

What a cowardly and despicable way to behave! His inability fulfil a simple task then led to an escalating series of lies whilst he kept the fantasy of the wedding going! Please don't marry him, you wouldn't be able to trust a single thing he says. Also as others have said, what happened to the money in the account?

LaLuz7 · 26/01/2023 21:53

You would be insane to stay with him. He doesn't want to commit to you and he is a big fat liar. What more do you need to know?

GougeAwayIfYouWantTo · 26/01/2023 21:59

Is he usually horrifically disorganised / prone to procrastination?

It is incredibly odd behaviour, and he knew that at some point you’d find out…I just can’t fathom it. I don’t believe he wants to end things, as I’m not sure why he’d keep enquiring about new dates?! I know he’s gone on to ignore their replies, but why bother?!