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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I ever forgive and move on?

44 replies

Helens1992 · 26/01/2023 07:03

I have been with my partner for 11 years, and a couple of years ago we made the joint decision to marry. To start the process, we both visited a few venues last year, and took the details, as you do. We decided on our dream venue for our wedding this year.
At the time, I was doing 12 hour shifts as part of my nursing studies, so I asked my partner whether he could contact the venue for us, which he did in the first instance. My partner made me aware when he received the contract, and at the time, we both agreed to go ahead, and he emailed the contract ahead to me so I can sign my parts. I did, and sent this back to him, for him to sign his part.

Naturally, I asked him whether he had sent the contract and paid the required money, and he confirmed that he did.
Fast forward a few months, I started to notice that my partner was being quite distant and evasive about our wedding, and it made me feel that his heart wasn't really in it. We spoke in depth about this, but he consistently denied it, saying he was excited and looking forward to everything. Small lies started to come out about small trivial matters, which didn't help how I was feeling.

Then, I woke up on Saturday morning with an indescribable feeling of dread, and my mind wandered to our venue. It had been several months since the contract was signed, why hadn't we heard anything from them? My partner had told me a few times that he had sent what was needed, paid the money etc.

I asked my partner whether he had received an invoice of the booking and payment, and he spent half an hour searching through his inbox. I agreed to ring the venue to ask for them to confirm everything and send something through for us.

Then... he admitted that he did not send the contract, or pay any money to the venue to secure the booking, for 4 months. In that time, another couple had booked our date, and the person we were liasing with, had left her post. He admitted that obviously he had not received an invoice, and had looked through his inbox for an email he knew didn't even exist.

Now, I have lost my trust in him, as we have both been sending save the date cards, booking entertainment, choosing invitations, I booked my dress fitting etc. All that time, he has known that the venue has not been even booked, and consistently told me that it has. He said that he tried to find another date, but whenever they sent a reply, he has waited a month to reply to each of their emails. He cannot give me an answer to explain why he has done what he has done.

Help! Sorry this has been such a long post.

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 26/01/2023 22:01

Hope you're ok op.

Honeyroar · 26/01/2023 22:04

I’m really sorry. This must be really upsetting for you. And embarrassing to have to tell family/friends. Did he even want to get married?? I’m not sure how you move past this and trust. He’s lied and lied for months.

category12 · 26/01/2023 22:04

GougeAwayIfYouWantTo · 26/01/2023 21:59

Is he usually horrifically disorganised / prone to procrastination?

It is incredibly odd behaviour, and he knew that at some point you’d find out…I just can’t fathom it. I don’t believe he wants to end things, as I’m not sure why he’d keep enquiring about new dates?! I know he’s gone on to ignore their replies, but why bother?!

He's enquired about new dates but leaves it a month to follow up on any of them, so doing his best to lose any new dates he's offered.

Maybe he doesn't want to break up with OP, but he certainly isn't keen to marry her. Seems like the sort of thing a person might do to keep her hanging on or to shut her up, without actually having to follow through.

SunflowerTed · 26/01/2023 22:19

Dump and move on

AnnieFarmer · 26/01/2023 22:33

‘his own family are willing to lie for him to cover his tracks, to save face to other people.’

So lying is inherent in his family.

Mistakes and disorganisation happen but there were several opportunities to confess.

So sorry this happened to you, OP.

Moredrama · 26/01/2023 23:56

Enquiring about new dates does suggest he’s messed up and was trying to put it right. Leaving another month could have been him wondering how to approach you with the situation, then realising he’s missed out on the new date and messed up again, and so he’s deeper in the mess. People do silly things when they know they have messed up and are scared.
I have done similar in a different situation, turned myself inside out and put it off rather than facing it head on because I was scared of how the situation had escalated, I buried my head in the sand.

It doesn’t make it okay but it’s best to give him chance to explain himself.
It could be that sadly he didn’t want to get married but didn’t want to hurt you, but at least you’ll know for sure and can make a proper decision about your future

LoekMa · 27/01/2023 00:47

OP noticed you didn't return, I hope you are able to see things clearer now.

I know you may be ashamed of having to call off the engagement, but you know his heart isn't in this. If you do proceed, you might as well implant a GPS tracker on him, because the real embarassment will be when he fails to show up to wherever you + family will be for the wedding.

Dont do this to yourself. Few people get such clear warnings they're walking into a bad decision, take note

LadyJ2023 · 27/01/2023 01:19

Sorry but hard or not this would be the end for me. Lie about major things like a wedding cant imagine what else is being lied about and hidden. Your worth much more than that

Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 01:29

@Helens1992 I’m sorry to be direct but you are together 11 years, he simply does not want to get married to you. Please finish with him now. It will be awful but you have to do it. A man that wants to marry doesn’t wait 11 years and then muck you and all your family and friends about. He is a total coward.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 27/01/2023 02:06

It's been eleven years and you are still not married. If he wanted to get married it would have happened by now.

This man stood by as you sent out save the date cards, booked entertainment, chose invitations, and he knew that you had booked the dress fitting. All the while he watched you, listened to you planning your wonderful wedding, observed your excitement. And said nothing. Nothing at all.

You know what you need to do. This will never end well. Better to be on your own than wait for the next lie, another betrayal.

helpmedothings · 27/01/2023 03:13

Velvetbee · 26/01/2023 07:37

How is he generally with life admin stuff?

He's been doing plenty of admin like "sending save the date cards, booking entertainment, choosing invitations".

I have very severe ADHD (to the point of my education, career and life being dysfunctional) and I just don't think this is purely a life admin issue.

Even with ADHD when there are issues around admin or a dreaded task, it's useful to identift what emotions underlie it. The problem with ADHD, apart from lack of dopamine and novelty-seeking (so marrying OP isn't all that exciting to him), is often disproportionately extreme emotions and inability to push past those.

helpmedothings · 27/01/2023 03:16

Can you ring the venue and check his story is true? If he was so immediate and enthusiastic at first instance, it seems incongruous. Could he have booked and paid as he told you at first, but got cold feet and cancelled down the line? Either way he's not a keeper but I guess I'd want to verify the exact story.

Olios · 27/01/2023 08:45

Ugh he is one of those people whose parents didn't I still the importance of honesty and he lies like a 3 year old. Clearly if his parents are lying to cover for him they continue to enable the lying. I worked with a man like him once he lied about stuff that didn't even need to be lied about like having finished work tasks or that he saw a celebrity after work who shared food with him. I knew the latter was a lie because said celeb was in the US preparing for a big event and live blogging, You never knew what was true.

Original poster

Helens1992 · 27/01/2023 10:52

The venue was going to be paid off through money he inherited from his recently deceased grandmother, from her life savings. His Nan wanted us to use the money for both of us, whether it was to help with our wedding, a deposit on a house etc. It was in his account so I had no control or a way of seeing whether the money had come out or not. I trusted him so I didn't feel the need to look!

OP posts:

Original poster

Helens1992 · 27/01/2023 10:59

Thank you all so much for the much needed advice and support, I can't tell you how much I have needed it. I really value the views from an outside, unbiased perspective. I have had great support from my family and friends, everybody who are worth knowing are as baffled as I am. I am a strong person and I will not let this destroy me. I have done my crying and moping, now is the time for me to think of myself, and what is best for me at the moment. That will take some more time but I will get there! X

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 11:21

Helens1992 · 27/01/2023 10:59

Did he spend the money OP? Have you dumped him?

Rickiticki · 27/01/2023 12:42

Yes, don’t allow this to bring you down. Solely address your own needs from this point. He has the problem, not you. He isn’t worth a minute of your time.

TintyMinty · 27/01/2023 15:52

He said that he tried to find another date, but whenever they sent a reply, he has waited a month to reply to each of their emails. He cannot give me an answer to explain why he has done what he has done.

This is important. If you believed he accidentally messed up or even had cold feet initially but wanted to sort it - he had the opportunity multiple times and chose not to.

This will be hard for you to come to terms with but I hope that you don’t take on any shame which is not yours.

Do you live together? Are you able to disentangle yourself from him easily enough?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 15:57

Have you ended the relationship? You absolutely should.

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