Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH insecure about me having sex toys

28 replies

RandomMusings7 · 25/01/2023 15:02

I casually dropped into conversation that I spur-of-the-moment ordered a vibrator because my old one had been dead for years and my partner of 3 years made a weird face and looked taken aback. I really didn't expect him to be bothered because we have a good sex life and he is the open-minded type. And I didn't want it to be a secret either.

I gently prodded and he told me that it's made him feel a little inadequate and insecure. I assured him that wanting to have some quick solo fun sometimes definitely doesn't mean that i'm not happy and satisfied with our sex life. He would never ask me not to use it because he's not controlling like that and he hasn't mentioned it since, but I feel a little bad about it.

On the one hand, it's silly to be jealous of a piece of silicone and his insecurities are not my issue to fix. On the other hand, I care about his feelings and don't want to do something that upsets him and harms the relationship, which has been going great so far.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Cheesandcrackers · 25/01/2023 15:09

Get him directly involved... He will likely than either just accept it or be more willing to play... It's another way of reaching the same goal in any case.

Jepet · 25/01/2023 15:13

Presumably he never watches porn then.

LadyDanburysHat · 25/01/2023 15:15

Jepet · 25/01/2023 15:13

Presumably he never watches porn then.

Or never masturbates. This is a him problem.

Greblegable · 25/01/2023 15:17

I’d ask him if he ever wanks. It’s the exact same thing.

LaLuz7 · 25/01/2023 15:17

Jepet · 25/01/2023 15:13

Presumably he never watches porn then.

I have a don't ask don't tell approach to porn. I don't care if he watches it occasionally.

qqq82 · 25/01/2023 15:18

So he never has a wank then ? Aye right

LaLuz7 · 25/01/2023 15:18

Greblegable · 25/01/2023 15:17

I’d ask him if he ever wanks. It’s the exact same thing.

It's not the same though. It's the use of a prop that is the issue. He was never bothered about me masturbating before, when no toys were involved.

LaLuz7 · 25/01/2023 15:19

qqq82 · 25/01/2023 15:18

So he never has a wank then ? Aye right

He doesn't care if I masturbate. It's the sudden addition of a toy that seems to be the issue.

Throwaway0912 · 25/01/2023 15:23

Would he feel more accepting of it if you incorporated it? DH bought me one of those plug in wands (100% recommend btw!) and it's a great addition. Might make it easier for him if he sees it as an extra, rather than a replacement?

DancingWithMyPoolCue · 25/01/2023 15:24

Equivalent would be him using a fleshlight or similar.

LaLuz7 · 25/01/2023 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the request of user. MNHQ

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 25/01/2023 15:39

LaLuz7 · 25/01/2023 15:19

He doesn't care if I masturbate. It's the sudden addition of a toy that seems to be the issue.

Show quote history

Name change fail...?

OpportunityKnockss · 25/01/2023 15:42

I can only orgasm with a toy so if he was my DH it would be case of it is was it is.

MMmomDD · 25/01/2023 16:06

Men and their equation of their self worth and their penis…. It’s funny, isn’t it.

OP - it IS really the same as him wanking. We just have different anatomy and our hands can’t provide the same sort of reach needed for solo simulation of the ‘act’. Men’s hands - do.

The fact that it’s a ‘toy’ is irrelevant. It just serves a practical functional purpose.

He needs to grow up.

KettrickenSmiled · 25/01/2023 16:48

I gently prodded and he told me that it's made him feel a little inadequate and insecure. I assured him that wanting to have some quick solo fun sometimes definitely doesn't mean that i'm not happy and satisfied with our sex life. He would never ask me not to use it because he's not controlling like that and he hasn't mentioned it since, but I feel a little bad about it.

Yeah he's controlling.
He's already made you feel bad about it.
Just by pulling a face at you, & whinging about feeling a little inadequate and insecure
That's how good he is at it.

This will come up again (pun intended). Because he thinks he should be the sole purveyor of your sexual pleasure, & that his 'rights' to your body outweigh your own.
He may not be doing that consciously, but it's happening somewhere inside him.
It's not just a male thing either - some women get weird about their male partners having a wank. As if they feel cheated on or something - it's possessive & weird.

NerdyBird1 · 25/01/2023 16:51

On the one hand, it's silly to be jealous of a piece of silicone and his insecurities are not my issue to fix.

I don't think it's silly you feel that way, he might be worried he's not satisfying you.

However, agree with others that he masturbates too, likely thinking about other people, if not outright watching porn so my sympathy has its limits. Just buy a vibrator if you want a new one

C1N1C · 25/01/2023 17:05

I disagree that a wank and a vibrator are the same. One is an inadequate vagina replacement (hand), and one is a ferrari (vibrator).

There's often talk on here of 'death grip', i.e. a man not being able to cum with a regular vagina because his oenis has been used to extreme sensation, and I can see him being worried about this parallel. It sounds like he is feeling insecure and worries you'll deem his manhood inadequate in the future.

Nothing wrong with maturation, but if you're horny, why not ask him to help instead of using toys? Or am I missing the point?...

C1N1C · 25/01/2023 17:07

Autocorrect at its most annoying...

purpledalmation · 25/01/2023 17:11

Provided you are not bothered if he watches porn and masturbates it's fine. Ask him to join in

KettrickenSmiled · 25/01/2023 17:23

Nothing wrong with maturation, but if you're horny, why not ask him to help instead of using toys? Or am I missing the point?...

You have to ask?!

Yes, you are missing the point.
It's like you're telling OP she isn't allowed to drive her own car because her partner might feel jealous/insecure about it, so when she wants to go somewhere, she should ask him to drive her there.

It's her fucking car.
She doesn't need to defer to anybody's feelings about her ownership of it, her driving style, or their wish to limit her use of it & take her place in the driving seat.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 25/01/2023 17:35

Tell him it's nothing to feel insecure about because stimulation with a toy is completely different to the intimacy of sex.

My dp has no problem with sex toys. He watches me use them and likes to help. It doesn't take from a normal sex life and in fact enriches it.

Sounds like your dp needs reassurance.

IntentionalError · 25/01/2023 17:43

Tell him to buy a flashlight then he’s got a toy, too.

C1N1C · 25/01/2023 17:52

@KettrickenSmiled

I agree to a point. But by extension you're implying he should (for example) not have the right to tell you not to sleep around because 'your body'. You're right, your vagina is your own and he has no 'rights' to it... but if he wanted a piercing on his penis, wouldn't you at least like to be consulted and your objections (if any) noted?

It's also a bit unfair to pretty much gaslight him after he voiced his concerns... he's insecure and he has voiced that. If you feel guilty because he has said he's uncomfortable, that's quite a way from him being "controlling"... so he's not allowed to voice his concerns? He's not allowed to say he's not thrilled with the idea?

Andypandy799 · 25/01/2023 18:48

It would only bother me if it was chosen over me , but if I’m not available then go for it

Moser85 · 25/01/2023 19:19

Sounds like you are making this into a bigger issue than it is.

He looked taken aback and it doesn't sound like he was going to say anything until you gently prodded him.
It's possible he just had a little momentary reaction and wasn't going to dwell on it at all.

I wouldn't mind if a man I was with masturbated but I'm not going to lie I probably would be a bit taken aback if he bought a fleshlight. It doesn't mean I would be jealous of it or dwell on it though, but I'm sure I would have momentary insecurities about whether it would feel better or if he'd prefer it.........and then I'd probably forget all about it, unless of course he did start to prefer the toy 😅

Swipe left for the next trending thread