Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just how do people move on

32 replies

Viviennemary · 24/01/2023 23:50

How do people move on when a long term relationship ends. I know there are some happy stories but there are people who just never get over their relationship ending. Is it just a matter of willpower.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 25/01/2023 00:22

I find lots of people move on very quickly actually and I always wonder how they do it! Me I’ve been single 6 years, can’t see myself meeting anyone now but I’m definitely unusual most people like I said move on pretty quick ime.

Q2C4 · 25/01/2023 00:34

Focusing on finding the next one works for some.

Findyourneutralspace · 25/01/2023 00:37

I don’t move on quickly either. I just don’t seem to come across many people I fancy who are available, and then by not having met anyone I dwell on my past relationship. I think I expect a bit much maybe. If there’s no spark I don’t pursue a relationship. I wish I knew the answer.

Watchkeys · 25/01/2023 00:42

It's a self respect thing. If you have a full grasp on the fact that your life is about you, and your ex was part of that, rather than your life being about you and your ex, you recover.

For as long as you keep them in your head as a current part of your life, the relationship will drag you down.

Honey83 · 25/01/2023 00:48

It's a cliche but time. Time passing really makes a difference. I think also meeting the right person next means that you don't dwell on the past. But yeah, not a people who can move on quickly either!

Honey83 · 25/01/2023 00:49

Honey83 · 25/01/2023 00:48

It's a cliche but time. Time passing really makes a difference. I think also meeting the right person next means that you don't dwell on the past. But yeah, not a people who can move on quickly either!

*person

Watchkeys · 25/01/2023 00:54

meeting the right person next means that you don't dwell on the past

Yeah, meeting the perfect partner will kind of plough down any obstacles, including current, rubbish partners. Hopefully, not something to rely on though, in the midst of break up blues.

Darhon · 25/01/2023 06:28

I did for a few reasons. But one was that my longterm relationship was tanking for several years and the last 1-2 years, I’d dove a lot of processing that it wasn’t right for me so when it finally ended, it was definitely over. It’s more sudden or shocking to other people though and they need time after the relationship ends. I didn’t look elsewhere though until it was over and I had called it. Ex-partner looked elsewhere before the end.

Zanatdy · 25/01/2023 06:33

SpinningFloppa · 25/01/2023 00:22

I find lots of people move on very quickly actually and I always wonder how they do it! Me I’ve been single 6 years, can’t see myself meeting anyone now but I’m definitely unusual most people like I said move on pretty quick ime.

I was single for 12yrs until November when an ex colleague asked me out. I’m really enjoying being in a relationship again. He’s the first person I’ve really been interested in dating, and it’s been 3yrs in the making as we almost got it together pre covid. Then he changed jobs so I thought that was that, until he appeared in my office late November. Within 3hrs he had emailed me asking if I fancied a drink! Only early days but I can see it going the distance, but time will tell. I know I’m happy single, I’m not desperate for a man, but having one is nice. But I’m pretty fussy and refuse to be with someone I don’t really fancy like my ex. So you never know! I genuinely thought I’d be single forever until I met him and found out he was single

MintJulia · 25/01/2023 06:37

I found my then partner was sleeping with a work colleague when I was pregnant. It was difficult to say the least.

I think people cope by harnessing anger, I know I did. I found myself a new home and had my ds and built us a life (and did it honestly) because I am better than them. Because my DS needed me and I was determined that he wouldn't be disadvantaged because I'd mistakenly given him a sad little low life of a man for a father.

By the time I'd stopped being angry, and sorted the house and finances and childcare, he didn't matter any more.

I've had one relationship since but it didn't last because I am now MUCH more choosy, and because my DS comes first.

ShippingNews · 25/01/2023 07:35

I got into further education in my workplace. H had always been negative about me pursuing anything like that " you've got a job, you don't need to spend time in the classroom". I enjoyed it, and it led to a promotion. That made me more confident, life just got better from then on.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 25/01/2023 08:43

Do they ’move on’?
Was there really anything to ’move on’ from?

Lots and lots of people just seems to be unable to be alone.
They rather have anyone, literally anyone, than be single.

It’s a bit sad really.

SpentDandelion · 25/01/2023 09:09

Most people look at moving on with only one particular option in mind, which is to hook up with someone else. Living happily alone is beyond their comprehension. I committed to living happily alone and l did a good job, so much so that l now don't want someone else coming in disturbing my time, peace, stability, security etc.
I have my own little home, all mine. I am not emotionally or financially tied to anyone, which is pure freedom, and is what moving on represents for me.

80s · 25/01/2023 09:33

From your comment that some people never get over it, I guess you mean people moving past their old feelings, rather than moving on to the next partner?
For me, apart from therapy, time has played a big role, but I've heard of people still dwelling on a breakup heavily decades later, so I guess it also depends whether you really want to move past it or not.

MyNameisMathilda · 25/01/2023 10:00

It's not willpower but it is more of a loving yourself and trying to find the best situation for you to live in. I do believe though that some people let themselves be victims of their past relationships and because one person has let them down they are closed off to any others in the future. I knew that was not what I wanted - to be alone as I am a very social person and wanted to be close to a man again. I made a new life for myself for a few years then I met my now H and am happier than ever in another new life. I have a few friends who live in the past and are lonely all the time and talk about it all the time. For whatever reasons they are scared to have another go at life.I guess it all comes down to character and your life experience.

Simulacra · 25/01/2023 10:03

Depends what you mean by “move on”.

I’ve been single for 7 years, I’ve moved on, I’m over my ExH - but to most people I haven’t “moved on” because I didn’t jump into a new relationship within a few months (or at all) - and considering I had young children at the time (now teens), I can’t see as how jumping into something new would have been good for me or my DDs.

I’m really happy on my own, but some people just can’t fathom it.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 25/01/2023 10:27

It’s tough , I think if you break up with someone you love it’s like grief. Sometimes some CBT therapy can be helpful, to try to think about them less. Sometimes closure, I met my ex for lunch and I’m actually relieved that we are not together, our lives are so different. I’m better off with this life, not the one I had with him.

some people just don’t look backwards, bold approach to life, I’m not sure how much learning is done but would be helpful in terms of “moving on”.

JadeSeahorse · 25/01/2023 10:30

Not possible for many I know but many years ago I was engaged to the person I thought was the love of my life 🤣for 6 years.

Finally dumped him following loads of cheating by him and moved back to my home town about 80 miles away. Met DH and was married exactly 3 years later. Still extremely happy after 40 plus years.

Doing anything you can to ensure you don't see or communicate with ex again most certainly does the trick. I feel so sorry but admire greatly those of you who have DC with ex partner as it must be so much harder.☹️

Original poster
Viviennemary · 25/01/2023 10:34

I did mean moving on with regards to feelings rather than a new partner. WitIthout dwelling on the past all the time. And feelings of resentment, anger, regret. Or even worry that if things had been different it could have worked.

I do agree that some people would rather have somebody not that suitable than be on their own. While others would rather not get involved with anyone again.

OP posts:
MyNameisMathilda · 25/01/2023 10:34

Simulacra · 25/01/2023 10:03

Depends what you mean by “move on”.

I’ve been single for 7 years, I’ve moved on, I’m over my ExH - but to most people I haven’t “moved on” because I didn’t jump into a new relationship within a few months (or at all) - and considering I had young children at the time (now teens), I can’t see as how jumping into something new would have been good for me or my DDs.

I’m really happy on my own, but some people just can’t fathom it.

I understand this and another relationship isn't for everyone.

Ladybug14 · 25/01/2023 10:35

Watchkeys · 25/01/2023 00:42

It's a self respect thing. If you have a full grasp on the fact that your life is about you, and your ex was part of that, rather than your life being about you and your ex, you recover.

For as long as you keep them in your head as a current part of your life, the relationship will drag you down.

This is brilliant and true

MyNameisMathilda · 25/01/2023 10:37

I would add though that when you are younger, have children and work life is easier on your own than when you are in your 60s and retired like my friends. I think with age as well you also realise there are many chapters in your book.

missbriteside · 25/01/2023 10:48

Firstly by being kind to yourself. It is a grieving process and is not linear - read up on the different stages and recognise that you may end up feeling different stages at once and taking steps backwards at times.

Secondly there’s no standard amount of time it should take, everyone is different and don’t think there should be a deadline that you’re over it. It is cliche but time does help. If you don’t give yourself enough time to heal it’s not fair on either yourself or any potential future partner.

Talking about it and processing it is also key, whether that’s with sympathetic friends (I found ones who had been through it helped) family, counselling or your GP.

Try also to find a hobby or something for you - it will help to distract you (I took up running!). Again a cliche but learn to love yourself, be happy in your own company and prioritise your well-being

Notformethankyoukindly · 25/01/2023 10:51

Time. They say one month for every year you were together. My marriage was 30 years, and yes, exactly 30 months after the final dumping (by me, as I have balls, but it was effectively mutual) that I was ready to move on fully. For me this meant - no contact, and being open to another relationship. But before that I worked on completing the divorce process, my financial independence, building up hobbies and social life, clearing the house of family photos including him, redecorating, focusing on my young adult DC as they processed it all. I dated for a year (by which I mean shagged lots of men) then met my DP - although we don’t live together, and I hope never will! He’s wonderful but he’s only one part of my life. I don’t want to be part of a ‘couple’ in the eyes of the world ever again. I just want to be me.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 25/01/2023 10:53

Totally agree withSimulacra - I have moved on but many people assume I haven't because I'm still single over a decade on. It took a long time to get over my divorce as it had been SO unexpected, but once I was over it, I realised I didn't want or need a relationship. Time and counselling helped.