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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am made him paranoid!!!!

34 replies

mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 12:02

Where do I begin, my DBF & I have been going out for the last 18 mths & Monday night I finished due to various reasons as he has been very stressed with his divorce, business,his dc etc & he been taking it out on me, also him saying things wherent right between us.He just walked out & never said anything.

Well Last night he came round to talk and basically he said the reason he has been like he has is that I have made him paranoid by the fact my abusive ex husband came round to the house drunk in the early hours last june banging on the door & then this november ringing up at 1am so he thinks I have still been sleeping with ex & leading him on since ex & I split 3 years ago.And the fact that I am civil to him for my 2ds sake he thinks there is something still between me & ex h & I need to sort my head out And also the fact that he doesnt believe I love him as I would have said it to ex h & a BF that i went out with when I was 18.And that he doesnt take the word love lightly well neither do I.But on this basis he thinks I do, So on this basis he cant possibly be with me even though he loves me, loves everything about me, enjoys being with me & going to miss me like crazy he cant live with thinking like he does. I just broke down in tears & begged him not to go (sorry no will power) which in turn caused him to cry. In the end he ended up stopping the night & we both cried all night. What do I do? Is it my fault? I have deleted his numbers out my phone. Please need some advice as feel so much pain & sick at the thought of not being with him as I love him so much & we make each other happy. Do I just leave him alone?

OP posts:
Original poster
mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 12:06

Sorry should say I have made him paranoid hard typing when you are crying

OP posts:
poshwellies · 06/02/2008 12:18

Don't have any words of wisdom for you molly,just wanted to give you a nice hug.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with great advice

Original poster
mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 12:25

Oh thanks Poshwellies could really do with a hug cant believe how much this all hurts.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 06/02/2008 13:59

Hi Molly, found you!

Have to do something at work just now, but will reply asap

Original poster
mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 14:08

thanks Tan look forward to it

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/02/2008 14:13

Mollyjoe, you have had a lucky escape there. It's all right to cry. You've found out your seemingly lovely DBF is a paranoid arsehole. That's a nasty shock for a nice girl.

You notice he's not apologising for taking his problems out on you, he's turning it around so it's YOUR fault? It's even your fault that you were molested by your horrible drunken ex; there's sympathy and support for you in times of trouble eh? And he's agonising about a boyfriend you had when you were 18! YOU need to sort YOUR head out? That's one comment you could laugh about if it wasn't so hurtful. He really has got something seriously twisted in his head. There is no way this can be your fault (unless you've been up to something truly awful that you haven't told us, which I doubt).

If he comes back, and for some strange reason you do still want a relationship with him, you'd have to be very, very firm every time he starts that nonsense. Just tell him not to talk such awful shite, and he can go away until he's got over it and is ready to behave like a human being again. If he is a nice man who's just basically got trust problems, maybe a stiff course of counselling can sort him out. Otherwise: run away, run away!

choccypig · 06/02/2008 14:18

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I'd read it as he does did care about you, but not enough to be committed, and he's looking for excuses to convince you it's over, so he doesn't neeed to feel guilty.
IMHO you will be better off to get it over with and start afresh without him.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 14:32

I know what you are saying is right as one weekend I caught him looking through my phone & i mentioned that last night & he said it was because he didnt believe that I didnt ring ex h up!!!!! It was very hurtful the comment about sorting my head out as I have been thinking that there is something wrong with me & basically that nobody is going to want me because I have got a past.. & no not been up to anything god forbid with the ex h all I have ever been with BF is honest always told him when ex has rung etc seems like shot myself in the foot, as BF cant deal with ex being a part of my life (only a part because of 2DS not by choice) & I said about his soon to be ex wife but that is different he has got trust problems due to his ex cheating on him but he has never been paranoid before & its me that has caused that As last october had a major operation & the boys had to go to their father & I had to at the time be in touch with ex quite a bit to sort the boys out & BF said this is round the time & after the 1 am phone call when he thought "f**k this" but still carried on seeing me for another 3 months!!! why? Also said that he doesnt do part time we have been seeing each other between 3 - 5 times a week. So didnt really get what he meant by that or is it me being thick?.... It has really broke my heart & made me question things about myself, as I didnt really realise we had a problem as we had arranged to go away etc

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 06/02/2008 15:37

Hi Molly, back now.

Annie's right. You've had a lucky escape. I mean, good grief, unless you're a 16 year old virgin, we've ALL got a past - that's why we've got children! And having got children, we will ALWAYS have some contact with that past, for the dcs' sake!

It's more than him being 'paranoid' because his ex had an affair - that's just an excuse. It sounds like he has issues with insecurity and possessiveness, from the sound of it, and you really are better off out of it, as it would not have improved unless or until you cut everyone else out of your life. Would you have wanted him monitoring every phonecall, asking you where you'd been and who you'd spoken to after every trip to the supermarket or the post box, even? Your life would have become a prison!

Maybe your abusive ex has left you feeling that you are at fault when things go wrong - that's a sure way of maintaining control and of course when someone blames us, we question ourselves.

YOU have not made him paranoid - anything he feels, he is imposing on himself. YOU are not responsible.

Yes, have a cry, he has hurt you badly and you hoped for so much from him. BUT Molly, you will be SO much happier with someone who does not have issues about your past.

{{{{{{{Big Hug!!}}}}}}

PortAndLemon · 06/02/2008 15:41

You haven't made him paranoid. He is paranoid, but you haven't made him that way. And you are well out of the relationship.

Baffy · 06/02/2008 16:08

Totally agree with Annie. In particular;

"You notice he's not apologising for taking his problems out on you, he's turning it around so it's YOUR fault?"

You haven't made him this way, if anything, his ex has! And he's taking it out on you

I know how much it hurts when you love someone so much and know how happy you could be together.
But he really does need to sort out his own issues.
Don't let him cloud your judgement. Your relationship could still work out, but he has to want it to. And he has to face up to his problems - I would honestly suggest he needs a counsellor to help him do this.

Please don't take any more of the blame on yourself. Stay strong.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 16:12

Well he didnt like me having contact with one of my friends. Also used to just turn up at my house not tell me he was coming round.

I am questioning every thing he has said now about his feelings for me as why drag it on for another 3 months if you knew the relationship was going nowhere? And let me tell him I love him & plan things.

I am just at a loss, & feel sad that I know will never feel like this about anyone how I feel about him as I / we had discussed the future going old etc.

And why put all the blame on me?

thanks for the hug Tam

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 06/02/2008 16:46

Molly, just keep thinking about all those negative points. Just for instance, he didn't like you seeing one of your friends - HUGE warning bell. That would have been the beginning. If you'd moved in together, my feeling is that he would have gradually isolated you from ALL your friends, family - even, eventually, possibly from your own children once they'd grown, because he couldn't share them or resented what influence - imagined or real - they had over you.

You loved him - you hoped to grow old together - but you will do that again with someone else - there is ALWAYS someone else - but you will need to give yourself time to grieve for the loss of this relationship, and wait for that time when someone else catches your eye.

And they will, and one day, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him!

Original poster
mollyjoe · 06/02/2008 17:10

I so hope you are right Tan as I just cant imagine being with anyone else which makes me so sad as sometimes you just know dont you when you meet someone. Yes will try I keep thinking about the negitive points. Tonight alone in bed will be the worse when I think I will get really upset.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 06/02/2008 17:21

Oh Molly, been there many times - well, out of about 7 or 8 boyfriends there were about three or four who I thought at the time would be the only men I could ever want to be with, or to love. But with hindsight, I know that certainly one of them, the first, would have been absolutely toxic (when I'd finally come to my senses and ended things, he first proposed, and when I rejected him stalked me for three years!). The other two might have been ok, but certainly things happened for the best. The last is my present dp - and if things don't last forever with him, I shall be distraught, yes, because I love him so much more than I loved any of the others, including my exh - but I shall still believe that there might just be one more in the wings (albeit he'll be a bit long in the tooth) - who'll see me into old age.

Nil desperandum!

Tanee58 · 06/02/2008 17:23

let us know how you are tomorrow - if you need any support, we're here .

LoveMyGirls · 06/02/2008 17:35

Sounds like you had a lucky escape!

choccypig · 06/02/2008 22:48

Just a thought which might help.

You loved the person you thought he was, not the person he turned out to be.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 07/02/2008 09:06

Thanks for all your advice. I kept crying last night but more positive this morning. I am going to give my self time & hopefully each day the pain will get weaker.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 07/02/2008 14:01

It will get better Molly, I promise .

Original poster
mollyjoe · 07/02/2008 15:16

Had a text from him today, which I havent replied to saying,

"I know you had a bad day yesterday hope you are ok & I am feeling very sad. xxx"

Men strange creatures.

Thanks Tan I hope so, have arrange a girly night out this weekend.

OP posts:
colditz · 07/02/2008 15:19

Don't let him blame you for his bad behavior. He has commented that you had a bad day in order to make it all your fault.

Don't let him. Run for the bloody hills.

Tanee58 · 07/02/2008 15:59

YOU had a bad day & so HE's feeling very sad? Boo hoo.

Agree with Colditz - run for the hills and enjoy your girly weekend.

Original poster
mollyjoe · 07/02/2008 16:42

Never looked at it like that colditz. Have deleted the text as much as I would have loved to text him back. I am looking forward not backward.. Gosh hope I still feel this strong next week.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 07/02/2008 16:49

well done Molly!