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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused and upset about husband

35 replies

Wtfhusband23 · 24/01/2023 07:17

My dh is being really strange and to be honest, it's really worrying me. It might sound ridiculous, but it's really out of character and I'm wondering what he's trying to achieve.

A few months ago he had some crumbs on his tshirt, out of pure affection I reached over and brushed them off. Cue him going absolutely mad at me about how I'd hurt him so badly, how I had winded him and it had affected his breathing! He's a big, strong man, who is not prone to drama. We do not physically hurt each other in our relationship. He went on at me for hours and hours. I was so upset and quite feaked out as he was obviously lying and I felt I couldn't trust him.

Last night he was trying to reach out and cuddle me but he really hurt me unintentionally. I grabbed onto his leg to stop him as he was twisting my wrist. Now he is going absolutely mad at me for the pain he is in with his leg. I have apologised over and over. Obviously I didn't want to hurt him, I was trying to stop him hurting me!

He has had 3 major blow outs at me at me and the dc recently. Including leaving us all sobbing in a restaurant.

He is majorly stressed. What is happening? I realise this sounds so stupid written down.

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 24/01/2023 07:30

He sounds deranged.
I'd normally suggest counselling or something but he left you all sobbing in a restaurant and he's trying to paint a picture of you being an abuser.
Please leave.

Notformethankyoukindly · 24/01/2023 07:34

He doesn’t sound well OP. Is he receiving treatment for stress?

BCBird · 24/01/2023 07:36

Oh my goodness. How awful for you all. I would urge him.to speak to.a medical professional. This is obviously very distressing for you all. Does he realise his behaviour is out of character and worrying after it has happened? Hand hold.

CalistoNoSolo · 24/01/2023 07:37

He sounds awful, hurting you in bed doesn't sound unintentional if it was that painful, but the restaurant thing sounds beyond awful. Who does that to their partner and children?

Does he show any kind of remorse afterwards?

Original poster
Wtfhusband23 · 24/01/2023 07:48

I can't bring it up as I'm still painted as in the wrong. I'll just get, you winded me and it really hurt, you're gaslighting me. After last night I'm a narcissist for saying it can't have hurt that much and he was hurting me.

he's trying to paint a picture of you being an abuser I'm worried that he's up to something like this, like he has a game plan. I'm too exhausted to have to watch my back with him.

He's in a new high powered role and has imposter syndrome. He is so stressed with work and says he hates his life, which is fair enough as it is pretty shit! I'm just worried he's up to something or has his brain actually gone??

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 24/01/2023 07:51

What's he generally like with you? Is he Mr Respectful, who listens to everything you say and responds kindly and thoughtfully?

LittleLillie · 24/01/2023 07:52

If this is genuinely out of character behaviour, he needs to see a medical professional.

Original poster
Wtfhusband23 · 24/01/2023 07:57

We have quite a banter like relationship, but he does listen to me. Maybe he resents me as he is doing all this work and sees my life as easy.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 24/01/2023 08:01

Yeah, I see three possibilities...

Either he's nuts and this is how it's presenting (sorry for the non-PC description there).
Or as above, he's trying to paint you as an abuser.
Or there's something cryptically medically wrong and his skin, bones etc are now overly sensitive... arthritis?

Snoken · 24/01/2023 08:38

What happened in the restaurant? Were you all crying?

Snoken · 24/01/2023 08:38

Sorry, I mean, was he crying too?

Shoxfordian · 24/01/2023 08:42

It sounds like he’s trying to make you seem abusive or he’s having mental health issues but it’s no way to live, just waiting for the next explosion

ModeWeasel · 24/01/2023 08:44

If he is really stressed and says he hates his life I would be concerned about his mental health including whether he might be feeling suicidal, and checking with him about that.

other than that I would also be wondering about the possibilities C1NC lists above

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/01/2023 08:48

It's difficult for us to know whether he is completely abusive or whether he is having a breakdown. What happens in the restaurant?

BunchHarman · 24/01/2023 09:09

This is really fucked up. Also, there’s no way he ‘unintentionally’ hurt you. It was deliberate. And it almost seems like it was to provoke you into defending yourself, so he could claim to have been hurt.

This is a really dangerous situation.

MyPurpleHeart · 24/01/2023 09:13

I'd be taking some time away from him to let the situation diffuse personally. Something strange is afoot here and its worrying.

To cover yourself, confide in someone in real life. Take someone for a coffee and explain all you have said here, write it down.

slowquickstep · 24/01/2023 09:41

What age is you Husband ?

Duckingella · 24/01/2023 12:23

He sounds like he's in some sort of prolonged mental health breakdown.

cestlavielife · 24/01/2023 12:27

Tell him to leave to friend or family and get a break and consult a medicalprofessional
it doesnt sound safe to be around him
Whether distress or MH or other you need to say you cannot be around him like this
He might lash out and hurt someone
Tell your friends family and gp about this

Aquamarine1029 · 24/01/2023 12:29

Op, do you feel his outbursts are genuine, or do you think he's putting you on?

Cupofteaforall · 24/01/2023 12:32

Wtfhusband23 · 24/01/2023 07:57

We have quite a banter like relationship, but he does listen to me. Maybe he resents me as he is doing all this work and sees my life as easy.

Oh op I get this . Dh pretty much thinks that I have everything sorted and it's easy for me. My dh doesn't get that it takes a hell of effort to keep things going well for everyone at home.

007DoubleOSeven · 24/01/2023 12:38

You need to get to the bottom of whether he's become much more touch sensitive with enhanced pain response. I'd reiterate that I knew I'd accidentally hurt him and was very sorry. That I was deeply concerned how I'd managed to do this, is he finding other things are hurting him too at the moment?

You need to be careful with this questioning given how he's responding to you at the moment, but hopefully by taking accountability for the accident at the start, if he is overly sensitive to pain now he will tell you. If he isn't or just has another go at you, then at least you're a bit clearer on how to move forward.
How is he around the children?

pippinsleftleg · 24/01/2023 12:43

What happened when he left you all crying in a restaurant?

TidyDancer · 24/01/2023 12:47

With such a sudden change I would assume there's either a mental health situation going on with him or he's doing this on purpose to build a picture of you as the bad guy/abuser. Do you think there's any way he could be manipulative enough to be doing this as a custody thing?

BunchHarman · 24/01/2023 13:00

*You need to get to the bottom of whether he's become much more touch sensitive with enhanced pain response. I'd reiterate that I knew I'd accidentally hurt him and was very sorry. That I was deeply concerned how I'd managed to do this, is he finding other things are hurting him too at the moment?

Do not apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong. His behaviour is abusive. He deliberately hurt the OP and twisted her wrists to incite a reaction so he could play a victim.

Something very sinister is at play.