Should things always feel 100% right?

[dilemmanamechange]

Do you believe relationships can blossom over a long period of time? Or should you feel strongly in the beginning?

When I met my late DH, it was love at first sight, proverbial thunderbolt, I knew he was my soulmate and that he felt the same etc etc. We had a very intense relationship, in a good way – blissfully happy, incredibly connected, absolutely head over heels in love from day one. There was really nothing I would have changed about him, and we were devoted to each other – pretty much at the expense of everything else to be honest – we socialised a lot but always together, we had hobbies but they were shared ones, etc etc. We lived in each other's pockets (from two weeks in!), were disgustingly romantic and we loved it. And I suppose inevitably I have therefore built my ideas of what makes a "good" or "right" relationship from that, especially because my only other experience of a long term relationship was with an abuser.

Sadly, DH died very suddenly 3 years ago and I started dating about two years later.

When I met DP I didn't have that thunderbolt moment. I liked him, I enjoyed his company, and I fancied him, but I didn't look at him and think "yes, you're the one". We're 6 months in now and and I still don't feel like that. He is a wonderful man in so many respects – he's kind, he's incredibly understanding of my situation, he's loyal, he's trustworthy, he's communicative, he's good at resolving conflict, he has thought very seriously about committing to me and what that means vis a vis my 5 year old child and been incredibly considerate about it. He makes me laugh, we share a lot of interests and our political sensibilities align. Those things are all very important to me, and I care about him very much. BUT there are things that don't work. We have different sex drives and it can cause tension (mostly on my side, to be fair – he is more relaxed about it). He is a lot more reserved than I am and doesn't express his feelings as openly as I would want. He has been single for a long time (after a very hard break up and a long period of dating but not finding anyone he felt was "right") and as a result, he has forgotten a bit what it's like to be in a couple so can be thoughtlessly selfish. And he definitely values his independence, whereas DH and I were essentially codependent so we are approaching that from very different (and probably equally unhealthy!) angles.

For reasons that are too long to go in to, I have to decide now whether I stay in this area and make a go of things with him, or move back to my home town to live nearer to my family and start over. All things being equal, outside of this relationship the pros and cons are about even – my heart would probably prefer to move back, but my head would prefer to stay here as it's better financially and for my daughter. So he is the deciding factor, even though he probably shouldn't be. Whatever decision I make, it will be for at least two years.

And so I guess what I'm asking is... is this normal for 6 months in? (For context, we have deliberately taken things pretty slowly, so on average we see each other twice a week with one overnight stay.) For things to be good and nice but for me not to be sure? The more time I spend with him the more I like him and the better things get, but equally I don't feel head over heels or hugely excited about the prospect of spending the rest of my life with him. My experience with DH was so unusual that I just don't know what a normal relationship should feel like, and I'm worried that I could throw away a good thing based on what was probably a once in a lifetime experience of "love at first sight" that will never happen again. But I'm also worried I could be making a mistake staying here for a relationship that isn't going to work out.

Should you always be sure? Or can the right relationship grow even when there are doubts in the beginning?

How long were you married for?

I honestly think love can grow over time and in fact that's more common than knowing early on. What you and your dh had sounds beautiful and rare.

Me and dp were friends for years before wanting more. Relationships are all different so I wouldn't write this one off based on the past.

what a normal relationship should feel like

Normal isn't a thing. A healthy relationship feels like you don't need to post on forums about it.

I think this is so difficult for someone else to judge op.

Considering the relationship you had with your late dh, no one is ever really going to match up are they? So this man sounds a pretty good prospect. On the other hand, the sexual incompatibility and the selfishness don’t sound so good.

Tbh I would be removing him completely from the equation about you
moving. I would base that solely on what is best for you and your dd.

I know you said this man is taking your relationship with your 5 yr old very seriously but there is quite a big chasm between seeing someone twice a week and being a ft stepfather. Besides I am so fed up of women having to move bc of their husband’s job; why it can’t work the other way around for once? If it’s meant to work, he will find a way to join you!

Given what you've been through emotionally, I think it would be surprising if your heart was able to just chuck itself in completely and quickly. You'd be making yourself incredibly vulnerable to more pain. I was widowed young, with kids. It has taken me until now, nearly a decade, to feel able to open my heart and take that emotional risk. I tried before, but couldn't do it. My current DP is lovely and I hope we will be together for a long time, but it's a slow burner, much less intense, and I am very protective of myself (and my kids). Take it slowly, enjoy the good bits, and time will tell.

Ten years.

Thank you – that’s very kind of you. It was very special.

Harsh but fair! In my defence this is a very new situation for me.

Interestingly I feel the need to defend him here re the selfishness – it is always inadvertent and he is very good about addressing it when I point it out. It definitely stems from being on his own for so long.

The moving thing is tricky. Best for me? Probably moving. Best for DD? Probably staying. Hence why he’s ended up being such a factor. Having said that, he WOULD move for me, quite happily, but not yet – and I wouldn’t expect or want him to yet, it’s too big a decision to make at this stage in our relationship. The difference is that I would be staying for multiple factors, him included, whereas if he moved it would be solely for me. Which wouldn’t be reasonable after 6 months.

Your point about being a stepfather is a very good one. We have both been pretty determined to take things in that area extremely slowly. He has met DD a handful a times. I more meant that he has taken the CONCEPT of it seriously, and understands that committing to me will eventually also mean committing to DD in some capacity – to be determined by me. Interestingly he is adopted and was placed with his parents at around DD’s age – different situation obviously and he wouldn’t be DD’s dad as she has one of those already, but he has a better understanding than most of family relationships outside of the traditional “blood relations”.

You don't need a defence, and I wasn't harsh. People in healthy relationships aren't posting on forums about how their relationship isn't really living up to their expectations, regardless of how new the situation is to them. It's just a basic fact of life. If the two of you were compatible, you'd be understanding that he wasn't the same as your husband but was wonderful in other ways. You wouldn't be here posting about the ways it doesn't feel quite right, to you.

Thank you, this is such a helpful perspective. I’m so sorry for your loss — it’s a pain like no other, isn’t it? I do think that a big part of my hesitation is me coming to terms with the fact that a new relationship can’t be the same as mine was with DH – partly on a practical level (because I am too protective of DD and want to retain financial independence) and partly on an emotional level – if I’m honest, I would find it hard to involve myself or my life with someone go that extent again because losing it was so devastating, and also I don’t believe I could ever love anyone like that again for various reasons. So I wonder if this is less about him and more about me, and perhaps you’re right that I’m just not ready, even though I feel like I am.

I actually think he is more understanding of that, and of how my grief will impact me in a new relationship, than I am in many ways. He is very happy for us to take things very slowly and honestly if I told him what I’d posted here I have no doubt he would say basically the same things and wouldn’t be worried in the slightest! He’s a very sensible, rational person.

If it wasn’t for this added pressure of having to make a decision about moving (or not!) I would be very happy to continue just as we are – and on that note, I have no intention of moving in with him any time soon even if I do stay here!

You don’t think it’s normal to have any doubts? (That’s a genuine question, I’m not being snarky.)

He IS wonderful in many ways, including ways that are different to my husband. I try not to compare them that directly, if I’m honest, because I don’t think that’s helpful or fair. But I suppose what I am comparing is my level of feelings at this stage. I’m just not sure if what I had with DH is something I could – or should! – ever find again.

So I wonder if this is less about him and more about me

I wondered this too. I have a deceased DP, and my current relationship is so disparate from that relationship. Comparisons don't exist between the two. In the kindest way, it seems like your DH is in your present rather than in your past.

It doesn't mean you and this guy are compatible... if you were, you wouldn't have this negative stuff to say about him.

Mm this is probably a fair point, that DH is still very present for me. It’s hard to imagine a time when he’s not, though, particularly as I am keen to keep his memory alive for DD’s sake. But it’s definitely something to think about. Perhaps I’m just not ready.

Perhaps it might be the case that when the right person comes along, DH won't be so present?

It's very complex, grief, and it can, perhaps, be a way in which we protect ourselves from mistakes. Your love for DH made you know what love is. I'm sure it's not the case that you can't feel it again, but you definitely know when you haven't found it. In a way, your DH is still supporting you, or, at least, his love is supporting you. The knowledge of love that your relationship with him gave you is informing you.

It's impossible to imagine another love, isn't it? But it can happen. It's very important, in respect of your husband's memory, not to settle for a relationship that doesn't make you jump for joy at every turn.

This all makes sense to me and sounds very positive for the future op! Of course it is normal to have doubts, especially after having such a wonderful relationship with your late dh.

You sound very sensible and cautious and it doesn’t help with decision-making but I would say in your situation that the way you are feeling now - uncertain - is a totally normal response! No decision ultimately is black or white definitively wrong really, it’s just that each takes you down a different path and there is good and bad that goes with both. Good luck!

Can you explain why staying is better for your dd?

If you have family etc back home, surely it's better for her to move there? If she's five, it can't really be about schools and friends?

PS if it boils down to the choice between what's best for you or your child btw, counter-intuitively, I would choose what's best for you. I know this goes against our first instincts but generally speaking, happy mum equals happy child.

Thank you @Watchkeys, this is a lovely, thoughtful post and has given me a lot to think about.

This is a very good point. I am getting a bit hung up on things being “forever” when of course they don’t have to be.

A combination of things. The first is that she has been through so much change in her short life and has separation anxiety (understandably) and another big change might not be ideal. On a more practical level, the schools she can go to here are infinitely superior, and the cost of living substantially lower so we will have a bigger house in a nicer area, more holidays, more trips out etc. Not the be all and end all, but important. Also it’s safer here. And she is very close with my in-laws who are, on balance, probably “better” with her purely because they’re younger and more able to have fun with her. Obviously I would prefer to be closer to my own family and they would be more of a support on a day to day level but it wouldn’t necessarily be better for her.

I think you were incredibly lucky to have a love like you did with your DH and I’m so sorry for your loss. I do think love can grow deeper over time, but I do think what doesn’t tend to grow over time is whether you fancy someone or not. So the fact you did (do?) is a good sign. Not every relationship is as intense as your one with your DH which you do recognise but it doesn’t sound like your heart is fully in this one. I’m in a new relationship and I didn’t get a thunder bolt but then I knew my bf as a colleague at first. But we are falling in love very fast and things are very passionate and I feel like a teenager in that I think about him 24/7 and any chance I get to mention him (like now) I do! I never had this with my ex, father of my DC. We were good friends to start with and I never fancied him, but he perused me and I guess I thought he would be good for me. The worse part is the things I thought that made him a good prospect for father of my DC / a life partner turned out not to be true anyway. So these days I would never go on a date with someone unless I really fancied them. I could just kiss my bf all day long and stare into his eyes! Sorry that’s a bit puke but it’s true and it’s the rule I’ve set for myself now as I’d rather be single (and was for many years) than be with someone I didn’t want to rip their clothes off all the time.

I’d rather be single (and was for many years) than be with someone I didn’t want to rip their clothes off all the time

Juvenile advice. So nice to hear how much you fancy your boyfriend though (and so nice for you to be able to mention him, wee hee!!!)

Thank you @Zanatdy, and I’m so glad that you have found that, that’s lovely. I definitely do fancy him, that’s not an issue 🤭. He’s ridiculous handsome and his smile genuinely makes me go a bit wobbly!

Gosh, I wish I could give you firm advice, but understandably it sounds like you very much still head over heels in love with your late husband. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, you are still grieving his loss. What you describe between the two of you sounds wonderfully beautiful and what an absolute privilege that you got to share such a precious relationship with someone. I am deeply sorry that was taken from you.
Your current DO sounds lovely also, but maybe given the trauma of your late husband passing you are not ready to give everything to the relationship. Also, I'm assuming when you met your late husband, there were no children and so much more flexibility to be spontaneous and dedicate so much free time to each other.

Only you can decide whether you love your current DP enough, i don't think there's a right or wrong here, just follow your heart, you deserve some happiness and peace.