Intimacy & Menopause - DH question

[Folkmusic]

Hi All, I would like some advice on the following. DW and I have been married for 23 years with late teen children. For the last three years we have not been intimate in anyway and this started at the commencement of DWs menopause. Obviously this has led to some issues and we are now at a stage where we don’t even kiss or cuddle - I am sure partly due to the fact that she doesn’t want to give any signals of leading me on. Essentially we have a relationship of co-parents. My wife is on HRT and has changed the prescription of this and also seen the doctor on this matter.

My wife does not like to discuss the menopause to any extent as I think she feels embarrassed, however she has said that she ‘doesn’t feel it anymore’ and ‘has nothing left to give’ due to tiredness. Have any women gone through something similar and did your libido return, or is this the end of our sex life?

Before anyone flames me, this is genuine question and not wholly self-cantered as I think sex is one part of a marriage. Also as I have seen this raised before we both pull our weight equally in relation to house and finance matters. Also I am sure that DW is not seeing anyone else and there is no history of infidelity in our marriage from either side. We treat one another well in all other aspects of our life.

Don't be a twat. Your wife's libido is low, she is afraid that every cuddle will lead to unwanted sex. Talk to her, make some time to give her a sexless massage etc.
Learn how to give really good oral sex. Things change as people age and they don't always need 'treatment', just much more consideration from their lover.

They don't cuddle

And there's been no sex for 3 years

She needs to communicate - so does he. But she is the one who is unwilling to speak about it.

I’m menopausal, on HRT, in a marriage of over 20 years and we still have plenty of very good sex. it can definitely still happen in a long marriage

Could you suggest you go to counselling with your wife? I agree with a PP, it’s not fair for her to just decide “sex is over” but you need to know more and talk more to even begin to unpick what is going on for her. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. In answer to some of your points.

1. increase communication/ councilling. It is my wife and not me who will not talk about it. My wife is very private person who does like to talk about what she considers embarrassing/ personal things. I have tried to discuss it but she will not.
2. Remove sex from the table. I have and it is. To be honest it has been many months since I have even asked for a cuddle.
3. Romance my wife. I will try again with this. To be honest I have suggested going out before a number of times before Christmas, however on each occasion she has felt too tired.

Good luck OP.

What's sad - and sorry, I hope this doesn't upset you - is that I've seen a friend who I think was in a similar situation (not sure about the no sex bit but she refused to talk / engage in the issue & eventually he left her. She then said she'd do counselling, but by then it was too late, he'd checked out.

If you need romancing ideas, you know where we are!

If she won't go out, but her an M&S eat in for a £10 or whatever, and cook it! Also, theatre(?) tickets as a present - she can't refuse then?

.My libido vanished during the menopause and never came back. I never want to have sex with anyone again.

OP I am peri menopausal and have just started HRT however I think it's been with me for a couple of years.

I don't want to go out anywhere for anything. And I am on my knees with exhaustion most of the time. And I cry at least once a day. Does your wife get upset? Do you know about it and do you comfort her? When I'm upset I'd give anything for a hug. Have you tried 'sweetheart, would you like a hug'? It can feel that the only hugs are ones that lead to sex, but fully clothed hugs in the kitchen can be non threatening.

Is she worrying and ruminating about it all? Could she have menopausal related prolapse? Could she be feeling constantly sick about the fact that her pelvic floor is so bad that she wees when she walks and even if she did have sex she wouldn't have any sensation because of the prolapse? If she is very private she may struggle to talk about this, but try to be persistent and ask her.

Could she be totally pissed off about the fact that although you say you do half the stuff around the house that you STILL can't put the bin bag in right or you load the cutlery drawer wrong everytime in the dishwasher? Because it's small things like these that can grow into massive resentments and affect sex.

I am sure you are doing everything you can. It's just from her point of view, she might think 'what is the point of sex'.

I have no advice, but am in exactly the same position, my DW is also quite a private person and won’t open up about herself, we have not has sex for probably about a year, not much for the last 5, but the lack of an affectionate that is killing me, and I’m supposed to carry on as per normal.
upthread someone mentioned being checked out, I feel about 50% that way and amm now considering separation, I think I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t want me any more

@Joey69 sorry

Pls think v v hard about this. Too many people make decisions on their life partner /marriage cases on short time periods & come to regret it.

I'm not saying that's you, but it could be.

Just my view, but it can be very lonely on the other side (I know).

Based on short...

Typo

Are you offering affection with no pressure or is your affection always in order to initiate sex?

Affection and foreplay are different. Affection is a kiss when you get home from work or a bag rub when you are bending over the dishwasher, or telling someone they look lovely today.

Foreplay is hugs when bums get touched or a kiss becomes a snog and you can feel that someone wants to have sex. That's the kind of affection that comes with pressure.

I think your partner is being very unreasonable in not talking about this. Would she consider a professional therapy situation?

My DH wants more sex but it's complicated for me. I feel unattractive, the last 25 years I've bourne and raised two kids, carried the mental load and the bulk of domestic life.
DH doesn't share the past with me, no 'you were amazing when....' no 'werent we a good looking young couple' ..... No 'i still love the way you listen to punk music'

He might garden, do the odd teen taxi ride, keep his career going and I am grateful and vocally remind him but I don't get much back .

My guess is that she isn't attracted to you. Sorry!

Is your life humdrum and muddles along or are you both dynamic and do sport, exciting holidays in far off places, plan nice weekends in London/ Paris.
It's very easy to fall into a comfortable and lazy - ish life.
Perhaps if you started a new interest, suggested holidays to new places, it might spark more interest in your wife. Not necessarily in sex but more interest in you and your life together.

Yes to this. One of the most unattractive things is if no one does anything interesting.

You have nothing to talk about.

OP try taking up a new hobby. That might spark some interest from your wife?

Sex is so far off the table these days, you would need binoculars to see it,

offering affection only goes so far when you are the doing all the offering and you get nothing back in terms of affection, it’s a lonely place to be.

Saying that, I read this thread yesterday and we ( I) had quite an honest conversation about how I felt ( this has been building for a number of years really,it’s not new) about the lack of affection & intimacy & touch & probably love that I’m feeling and does she actually still want to be with me

And how did she respond? It could take a while to sink in.

How would you know? Seems lots of posters are saying the same thing. Unless you are the wife?

I’m on HRT. I now take testosterone for libido. It’s made no difference. I would rather have a glass of wine and read a book. This is definitely the menopause for me. It’s very unfair on women. I was on the pill from my early 20s, I’ve had two babies, two c sections, I work full time. Perhaps my body has done its job (twice).

Equity and equality are two different things. Your DW has been telling you she is tired and has nothing left to give. Maybe start with that information.Equity recognises that each person has different different circumstances and allocates resources and opportunities to reach an equal outcome. Perhaps you can consider honestly who does what and who carries the mental load; her health - perhaps offer to pay for a full health review with Bupa, Nuffield etc. ; has she had her bloods checked, could she have problems with her thyroid or vitamin D? Ask her what would help tackle her tiredness, listen to her and then act. A small point on going out, just before Christmas is often one of the busiest periods of the year, did you plan and buy gifts, wrap them, write Christmas cards, do the food shop, cook etc.

I would also add that she is probably aware you envy your friend who has recently remarried - I doubt that is a great feeling. Maybe consider going for couples counselling or attending The Marriage Course.

Exactly

Subsidence of a woman's libido with menopause doesn't mean the marriage faded, it means the life-stage of the marriage changed.

This is such a wild statement. You signed up for till death do us part, dont live the life of a dying man while still alive.

Talk to your wife, no pressure, but be ready to make whatever decision serves you best on the long run .
Trust me if you had posted as a woman, nobody would be telling you to tough it out , everyone would rightly say you deserve happiness

What do you and DW do for fun?

Do you go for meals, watch movies, go for walks, see shows/ concerts/ or share any hobbies or sports? I think reducing any expectations (of sex/intimacy) and just enjoy spending time together outside the home may be the first step.

It's common, yes. Is your DW getting support with her menopause from GP. She could be feeling low and have self esteem issues. It might help for you to reassure her that you love and value who she is. Try to steer away from attractiveness reassuring as some people, me included see that as their DH saying, 'I still fancy you and want to have sex'. For me that type of reassurance backfired, made me feel under pressure which then got blown up into me feeling DH was threatening to have an affair. I have MH complications but feeling low and not getting treatment can trigger faulty t hinking. Work on building your DW confidence in herself, her skills, your closeness emotionally, tell her what you like about her and how much you enjoy the aspects of your life. Don't mention sex for a while. Find out all you can about menopause and encourage her to visit GP. Demonstrate your care by getting her breakfast in bed, cup of tea, make extra effort to take on things she usually does, because you understand she's tired. You sound like a lovely, concerned partner.