Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Closest friend telling me about a mutual friend dying via WhatsApp.

46 replies

Lioney · 23/01/2023 12:20

My closest friend texted me this morning that a friend we have in common is dying.

I'm in shock.

I'm posting as I somehow need to process this and can't call anyone as I'm at work.

I'm so confused.
I presumed my friend just found out and needed support.
She's known months.

So for whatever reasons she broke this awful news to me at 7am on a Monday morning.
I asked her why by WhatsApp and this morning and she said, '... I didn't think...'

I'm devastated for the friend (and her family) who are in this awful situation. I have lost 2 family members to the same condition.

I'm incredibly shocked that my closest friend hasn't shared this information with me until now.
We speak and message regularly.

She has told me not to tell the sick friend I know.

Help me make sense of this
Sad

OP posts:
WillTimeCome · 23/01/2023 12:23

So sorry, can't offer any immediate advice, other than a handlold.

Tulipp · 23/01/2023 12:24

The sick friend has obviously asked her not to tell anyone which must've been a hard thing to do.

I would put aside the fact you were informed via WhatsApp on a Monday
morning and work out how to support the friend who messaged you. Meet for coffee and a chat?

Conkersinautumn · 23/01/2023 12:26

That's very difficult. If you can't get away from work can you take a break or go for a walk or drink to give yourself a minute?

Toomanybirthdays · 23/01/2023 12:26

Am so sorry 😞 Bloody shocking the way people communicate these days .
Can you leave work early to go home and process this sad news. 💐

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 12:28

I'm so sorry. That's really hard.

As horrible as it is to be told in those circumstances, your friend was probably in shock herself and just not thinking about what time it was or anything. When you've got news like that mentally you're just not functioning properly thinking about the effect on others. I doubt she intended to be thoughtless. Try to put that aside and focus on dealing with the news which is so sad.

Conkersinautumn · 23/01/2023 12:28

I realise now you might have done that in order to post. It's a lot to process when you've gone through this before. It might not be the worst idea to step out of work for today.

WillTimeCome · 23/01/2023 12:28

Are you able to leave work early to gather your thoughts? This must be such a hammer blow.

I had some news last week that a work colleague (worked for a customer) that I knew very well, had passed suddenly. I am still reeling today because he had a lovely family (3 kids) and was late 40's.

I agree with PP above that you need to support each other at the moment and not let your thoughts race too far away.

saraclara · 23/01/2023 12:29

She has told me not to tell the sick friend I know.

Then clearly the sick friend told her in confidence and asked her not to tell people.
That must have been quite a burden. It's unfortunate that she finally cracked, but despite being very private myself, I can understand it.

So no, you should not be blaming her for not telling you earlier.

LoveAutumnColours · 23/01/2023 12:29

I’m very sorry op. It may well be that your friend was asked not to say anything but now that it’s getting closer/your mutual friend showing more symptoms if the illness that your friend needed someone to talk to about it and thought of you. There’s all sorts of possibilities. The point being, your mutual friend did not tell you. Please don’t get angry with your friend. Must have been awful for her to know and not discuss.

perhaps ask your friend, by text, if it is for you to know and if you can give support to her and your mutual friend. You may find out she’s still not been given ok to share this news. It may well be your friend wanted your support knowing this sad secret and how she’s may be supporting your mutual dying friend.

Original poster
Lioney · 23/01/2023 12:29

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 12:28

I'm so sorry. That's really hard.

As horrible as it is to be told in those circumstances, your friend was probably in shock herself and just not thinking about what time it was or anything. When you've got news like that mentally you're just not functioning properly thinking about the effect on others. I doubt she intended to be thoughtless. Try to put that aside and focus on dealing with the news which is so sad.

I thought exactly that but she's known a few months.

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/01/2023 12:31

I'm not sure why you're focusing on your feelings about the time and the medium that your friend chose. It's a nothing in the scheme of things.

Tulipp · 23/01/2023 12:31

'I thought exactly that but she's known a few months.'

Yes and obviously following the wishes of the ill person, who is the priority here.

So again, set aside your anger at not been told and work out how to support the friend who has messaged you.

saraclara · 23/01/2023 12:32

So for whatever reasons she broke this awful news to me at 7am on a Monday morning.
I asked her why by WhatsApp and this morning and she said, '... I didn't think...'

So your first thought on hearing this news was to admonish your friend for how she told you?

Original poster
Lioney · 23/01/2023 12:35

saraclara · 23/01/2023 12:31

I'm not sure why you're focusing on your feelings about the time and the medium that your friend chose. It's a nothing in the scheme of things.

I'm really worried for my friend as I seen her on Thursday and she was totally normal, absolutely nothing different about her.

I can't understand it all.
It's such a strange way to share such awful news too.

None of it makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lioney · 23/01/2023 12:35

Tulipp · 23/01/2023 12:31

'I thought exactly that but she's known a few months.'

Yes and obviously following the wishes of the ill person, who is the priority here.

So again, set aside your anger at not been told and work out how to support the friend who has messaged you.

I'm not angry.
Very upset and confused.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/01/2023 12:36

That must have been a big shock for you. Perhaps the friend who is sick told your other friend not to tell anybody. But your friend should have told you in person or by phone. And especially not at 7 am on a monday morning. Still it's done now and no point in making things worse in this already very difficult situation.

Tulipp · 23/01/2023 12:40

'It's such a strange way to share such awful news too.'

Maybe she couldn't face a conversation. She has been told to keep it to herself, can you put yourself in her shoes and imagine how hard that must have been?

So again, forget how you were informed and at what time, just message her back, say that must've been a tough thing to keep to herself does she want to meet for a coffee.

StarsSand · 23/01/2023 12:44

I think you are shooting the messenger a little OP.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Lioney · 23/01/2023 12:48

Viviennemary · 23/01/2023 12:36

That must have been a big shock for you. Perhaps the friend who is sick told your other friend not to tell anybody. But your friend should have told you in person or by phone. And especially not at 7 am on a monday morning. Still it's done now and no point in making things worse in this already very difficult situation.

I'm not sure what you mean about making things worse in this already difficult situation?

I'm concerned for both friends.

Struggling to process how someone, my age is dying. Remembering activities and meetings we did together.
Her family and dc... our dc are similar ages.

How my closest friend was struggling with something so awful and I didn't notice...

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 23/01/2023 13:00

She didn't want you to notice. It's as simple as that.

Kindly, this isn't about you. I agree with leaving work early to process it but neither your ill friend nor your mutual friend has done anything wrong here. They are vith trying to process the information in the way that is best for them.

I agree it must have been quite a burden fir your mutual friend

Mariposista · 23/01/2023 13:09

I'm so sorry. I was informed that my dear elderly friend who I used to help care for had died via WhatsApp, and I have never really forgiven it (a phone call would not have killed anyone). No advice, just support.

Viviennemary · 23/01/2023 13:44

I meant making things worse by making an issue of it to your friend. Not,saying that was your intention. But I wouldnt mention again that you were unhappy about how the news was broken to you. I agree it was wrong of her to tell you by whats app.

SideshowAuntSallly · 23/01/2023 13:58

It's not about you. This is about your mutual sick friend. You replying with why now, why via WhatsApp is making it about you.

Obviously she was told not to say anything. What is this need to know everyone's business these days. If I was dying/seriously ill I would tell as few people as possible. My friends would understand that.

Original poster
Lioney · 23/01/2023 14:09

SideshowAuntSallly · 23/01/2023 13:58

It's not about you. This is about your mutual sick friend. You replying with why now, why via WhatsApp is making it about you.

Obviously she was told not to say anything. What is this need to know everyone's business these days. If I was dying/seriously ill I would tell as few people as possible. My friends would understand that.

Sorry I think people have misunderstood.

Its not about me but that I failed my friend.

She was asked not to share the information but has carried this for months until this morning.
I called and checked on her as I'm worried for her.

I can't do the same for the lady who is ill as it wouldn't be something I normally do.

OP posts:
Tulipp · 23/01/2023 15:28

Lioney · 23/01/2023 14:09

Sorry I think people have misunderstood.

Its not about me but that I failed my friend.

She was asked not to share the information but has carried this for months until this morning.
I called and checked on her as I'm worried for her.

I can't do the same for the lady who is ill as it wouldn't be something I normally do.

Show quote history

I'm glad you've realised how inappropriate your op sounded. I don't think anyone misunderstood, you did say 'So for whatever reasons she broke this awful news to me at 7am on a Monday morning.I asked her why by WhatsApp and this morning and she said, '... I didn't think...' which does indeed sound like you were more bothered about not being in the know and the timing and method of been informed.

Good that you've called to see if she's ok.