Closest friend telling me about a mutual friend dying via WhatsApp.

[Lioney]

My closest friend texted me this morning that a friend we have in common is dying.

I'm in shock.

I'm posting as I somehow need to process this and can't call anyone as I'm at work.

I'm so confused.
I presumed my friend just found out and needed support.
She's known months.

So for whatever reasons she broke this awful news to me at 7am on a Monday morning.
I asked her why by WhatsApp and this morning and she said, '... I didn't think...'

I'm devastated for the friend (and her family) who are in this awful situation. I have lost 2 family members to the same condition.

I'm incredibly shocked that my closest friend hasn't shared this information with me until now.
We speak and message regularly.

She has told me not to tell the sick friend I know.

Help me make sense of this

YOur mutual friend would have told you if they wanted you to know. Or they would have told your close friend to tell you. Your friend may have really felt it wasn't her position to say anything.

They are likely coping with it as they see best and it souds like that means keeping it within a small group of people. If either of them need anything from you they can ask but they are processing and coping with it in their own way - and to date haven't needed your support or help.

Don't make this about you. You don't need to be the saviour and you aren't a victim. Just express your care or concern and let her know if there is every anything they need from you, that you are there for them. Then leave it be.

Shes been asked not to tell anyone hasn't she?

The what's app I would bear bo head to. There is no soft way to tell you.

I’d always rather receive bad news in a way that allows me to gather my thoughts and process it before being required to react to the person giving me the news. But I appreciate I might not be typical. Just wanted to put an alternative forward. I hope you’re ok.

Gently, I think this is classic displacement- You're focusing on when and how you were told because it's easier than facing the horrible, painful truth. It doesn't matter that it was on Whatsapp, it doesn't matter that she's known for ages. Support your friend in all ways- she must be v v close to mutual friend to have been entrusted with this information.

@ElvisCymraeg has nailed it. I have received similar bad news (and post-death news) about various people very dear to me in various different ways and, frankly, how the news has been delivered has made not a jot of difference. It is heartbreaking news when it comes and very shocking.

As you are doing, focus on what you can do to help your friend who’s doing the supporting. Knowing that you are being useful - or at least available to be useful - will be a crumb of comfort in a very painful time.

Its not about me but that I failed my friend.

That is making it about you.

You didn't fail your friend. Your friend didn't want you to know. She didn't expect support from you because she deliberately hid it from you.

And, if you meant the friend who told you, then you still made it about you and the way she chose to tell you. But that's OK. You're in shock too.

It's not about you, WhatsApp or the time or day you found out.

You're understandably upset to hear this news. Try to remain calm and in a day or so your feelings and emotional reaction will become clearer and you'll be able to process and decide how best to help.

Sending love.

It sounds like she was asked not to tell anyone if she doesn't want to to tell the sick friend you know. Maybe they asked her not to tell anyone but now she can't keep it to herself anymore and the burden has finally been too much. Maybe she's wanted to tell you for a long time. It wouldn't have mattered how or when. Maybe she just woke up and thought she couldn't keep it quiet anymore and needed to tell you. It's possible the sick friend has also deteriated and it seemed more real now. Just be there for eachother and let her tell you everything now she needs to share it. So e people choose not to tell anyone when they are terminally ill and swear people to secrecy. It can be a dreadful weight to carry. It's in the open between you now x

I agree with this. Your friend does not deserve anger here!

How close are you to the dying friend, if they didn't tell you themselves? Presumably you'd have seen them and known they were ill if you were as close to them as your friend obviously is?

Jeez some of you are really pushing the knife in. OP is upset to learn a close friend is dying over what’s app. Who wouldn’t be. She’s not blaming her friend but shocked, maybe she was a bit hasty in asking why tell her over what’s app but wouldn’t you prefer to know over the telephone or in person? Stop accusing OP of being selfish when she’s just found out a mutual friend is dying, or worse questioning how strong the friendship is in the first place. Some people on here really need to have a word with themselves. There are real people behind these comments

'There are real people behind these comments'

Exactly. Imagine if you were the friend who'd kept this to herself then finally shared the sad info, then to then read on a very public and very popular site that someone was querying ways and means of sharing this sensitive info. There are people behind these comments indeed.

OP - I'm so sorry to hear your news. It is a shock - not just about your mutual friend's terminal illness but also about your other friend.

The most critical issue is now that you know it is to be friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, to offer any practical support you can without being asked.

Your friends keeping this devasting news from you does not mean they value or trust you any less as a friend. However, if you focus on how she told you, when she told you, who else knows etc - you will end up losing this friendship irreversibly.

I hate the way important news is communicated these days. I found out a close friend of mine had died in November via Facebook by someone who wasn’t even friends with them! They changed their profile photo to a group photo where they’d only been in company together that one time with ‘RIP fly high’ They were the sort that attention seek and post everything online, but for me it was a horrible way to find out, and my friend would have been mortified as they barely knew this person. Especially as my friend was particularly private and not even on social media themselves. Hate that I found out like that.

I just want to offer some support - a WhatsApp message would be a very hard way to receive such news.
when one of my best friends died suddenly, a mutual friend called me to tell me. I had someone “there” with me, felt not so shattered in that moment.

And how you feel DOES matter.

it was not well done, but of course, allowances can be made as your friend has been carrying something hard to bear. But it’s still okay to acknowledge how you feel - your feelings don’t have to be stamped down.

hand hold - it is so messy and difficult being a human sometimes.

You shouldn't blame yourself for not noticing - neither the friend who knew or the sick friend wanted you to know- they may have felt more supported in having normality around then than someone caring - and don't blame them for not telling earlier/in person etc- you could tie yourself in knots wondering why. Sometimes giving people bad news by text/not directly can be easier as you don't have to deal with the immediate reaction.
Now you have to deal with the facts and situation- are you arranging to meet your friend?

That's a good point. What about that friend? Threads get picked up all the time from Mumsnet and shared on the DM, Facebook etc.
OP this isn't about you. Your friend was clearly asked to keep it quiet and has struggled with the enormity of that. It's a really hard task in a situation like this.

People grieve differently and also process bad news differently. For many people, a written message allowing you to have your initial reaction away from the person telling you is preferable.

Equally, for those moaning about people using Facebook - people grieve as they are. For some
people it is natural for it to be public and for others natural for it to be very private. Nobody is wrong. There is no right way to do this, and people who do it differently to yourself are not cold, uncaring or ‘attention seeking’. If your first thought on hearing terrible news is to judge the person who knew before you……well I’m surprised, that’s all I’ll say.

OP I think if you were honest there would be no such thing as a good time or way to break this terrible news, especially when your friend has been trying to respect a confidence. If she is a good friend it seems like now would be a good time to cut her some slack for how she chose to do this and focus on supporting each other.

I think you need to try and forget why you were told when you were told and how.

It could be that your friend has had this weighing on. She has known and been asked not to tell. But she has been thinking about upset you would be if you found out she knew. Going back and forth between upsetting up and not doing as your friend wishes, must have been difficult for your friend.

She may have just decided it was best to tell you and get it done. She may not have timed it right, but sometimes when we feel between a rock and a hard place and feeling emotional we don’t do things perfectly.

I'm sorry sometimes people are 'wrong'. You do not need to post about someone you barely know, before all close friends and family have been able to be contacted and process the information. It's at best thoughtless and yes it is attention seeking.

Your feelings and desire to post about it don't trump everyone else's.

I've heard of kids finding out their father has died this way because some idiot couldn't wait a few hours for their mother to get them home and explain what had happened.

Your mutual friend or the friend who told you looked normal.

Usually I find, if something doesn't make sense then an untruth is being told. If one of my friends told me a mutual friend was dying, there would be no way I wouldn't be supportive to mutual friend. It's too much of a burden to keep things like that secret.