Talking during sex

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 2023-01-23T11:52:17+00:00

For clarification, I don't mean sex talk! My dp will sometimes talk about random stuff during sex or in the lead up to being intimate and I'm finding it kills the mood for me. I don't know how to tell him that or whether I'm just being ott. Does anyone else's partner talk during sex? Does it bother you?

Cheesandcrackers · 23/01/2023 12:01

Your not being ott. It might be nerves on his part but it's definitely worth mentioning as it's very off-putting.

Original poster

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 12:04

Thanks. You might be right about nerves actually. I think he had problems giving in to the moment although I know he wants to. I really want to find a way to address it without hurting his feelings.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 23/01/2023 12:08

Does he have ADHD? I do this and it's totally an ADHD thing for me.

Definitely worth telling him that it breaks the moment for you. I found Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are to be very helpful, she talks about sexual arousal and inhibition being two sides of the same thing which we tend to think of as one thing (a "sex drive") she says it's more like two pedals, gas and brake. It sounds like him talking about other things is pressing the "brake" for you.

I find mindfulness in the sense of focusing on 5 senses type thing helps bring me back to the moment and chase off unwanted irrelevant thoughts.

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 23/01/2023 12:10

Yep, DW often does the same. We are at the very unromantic stage of scheduling sex, due to work patterns, and DS being here a lot etc so when we have time, and in bed, and she starts talking about something unrelated, I just have to say to her "Are we having sex, or talking about XYZ?" which usually focusses things. I think, if I am being honest, its just a bit difficult for her to get into the moment. It can be frustrating, but it usually works out ok.

Original poster

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 12:15

BertieBotts · 23/01/2023 12:08

Does he have ADHD? I do this and it's totally an ADHD thing for me.

Definitely worth telling him that it breaks the moment for you. I found Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are to be very helpful, she talks about sexual arousal and inhibition being two sides of the same thing which we tend to think of as one thing (a "sex drive") she says it's more like two pedals, gas and brake. It sounds like him talking about other things is pressing the "brake" for you.

I find mindfulness in the sense of focusing on 5 senses type thing helps bring me back to the moment and chase off unwanted irrelevant thoughts.

Not Adhd I don't think, but I'm sure he has ASD on some level. Maybe that is having an effect? That would make a lot of sense. Thanks for your post advice, it's really helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 12:16

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 23/01/2023 12:10

Yep, DW often does the same. We are at the very unromantic stage of scheduling sex, due to work patterns, and DS being here a lot etc so when we have time, and in bed, and she starts talking about something unrelated, I just have to say to her "Are we having sex, or talking about XYZ?" which usually focusses things. I think, if I am being honest, its just a bit difficult for her to get into the moment. It can be frustrating, but it usually works out ok.

Yes I think it is that my dp has difficulty getting into the moment. Thanks for sharing your experience.

OP posts:

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 23/01/2023 12:17

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 12:16

Yes I think it is that my dp has difficulty getting into the moment. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Show quote history

Its fine once its started, it's just the getting in the moment bit that it seems to happen. Just thought I should clarify.

Aaron95 · 23/01/2023 12:27

Be firm and direct. Next time it happens put your hand over their mouth and tell him/her that the only thing you want to hear right now are details of what they are about to do to you and nothing else.

If that doesn't work then have a look on Lovehoney (other websites are available) for one of those ballgags and some cuffs.

StarlightLady · 23/01/2023 13:19

Just say not now. It's talking or it's sex, not both.

WetBandits · 23/01/2023 13:20

Aaron95 · 23/01/2023 12:27

Be firm and direct. Next time it happens put your hand over their mouth and tell him/her that the only thing you want to hear right now are details of what they are about to do to you and nothing else.

If that doesn't work then have a look on Lovehoney (other websites are available) for one of those ballgags and some cuffs.

Please, whatever you do, do NOT put your hand over your sexual partner’s mouth without their consent 😳

It might be very frightening for them.

NashvilleQueen · 23/01/2023 13:23

If that doesn't work then have a look on Lovehoney (other websites are available) for one of those ballgags and some cuffs.

Wow. We moved from ways to stop talking about the mundane to bdsm pretty quickly. Terrible advice.

Aaron95 · 23/01/2023 13:26

NashvilleQueen · 23/01/2023 13:23

If that doesn't work then have a look on Lovehoney (other websites are available) for one of those ballgags and some cuffs.

Wow. We moved from ways to stop talking about the mundane to bdsm pretty quickly. Terrible advice.

It's called humour. That was not meant to be serious advice.

WetBandits · 23/01/2023 13:29

Aaron95 · 23/01/2023 13:26

It's called humour. That was not meant to be serious advice.

Show quote history

Oh...was it meant to be funny then?

Didn’t realise we made jokes about gagging our sexual partners without their consent these days, righto.

Rollercoaster1920 · 23/01/2023 14:10

Isn't there something about the French and talking during sex? No personal experience but vaguely remember from a film or TV programme!

RunningFromInsanity · 23/01/2023 14:14

WetBandits · 23/01/2023 13:29

Oh...was it meant to be funny then?

Didn’t realise we made jokes about gagging our sexual partners without their consent these days, righto.

Show quote history

I thought it was funny

sally037 · 23/01/2023 14:50

Does he ask about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?

WetBandits · 23/01/2023 15:03

sally037 · 23/01/2023 14:50

Does he ask about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?

Traders needing access to Diiiixoooonssss

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 15:25

I don't know how to tell him that or whether I'm just being ott

If you were being ott, would it mean you would silence your sexual preference? That's a worry, isn't it? We're all different, and we're all allowed (as long as it's legal) to have any preferences we want.

Perhaps he can't get in the mood because you don't have an honest connection with him, and are more concerned about looking ott than about actually telling him what you want?

Naunet · 23/01/2023 15:53

You seem to have married Alan Partridge

ttcnumber2x · 23/01/2023 16:24

What is he saying? Is it completely unrelated like asking what's for dinner tomorrow etc??

Original poster

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 16:25

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 15:25

I don't know how to tell him that or whether I'm just being ott

If you were being ott, would it mean you would silence your sexual preference? That's a worry, isn't it? We're all different, and we're all allowed (as long as it's legal) to have any preferences we want.

Perhaps he can't get in the mood because you don't have an honest connection with him, and are more concerned about looking ott than about actually telling him what you want?

I'm not trying not to be ott. I just worry about being too direct and hurting his feelings. We have a good connection in bed and out but we are quite different so having to navigate that. Not sure it's a worry to prefer sex in silence? I don't need total silence anyway as talking can be mood inducing, but the right kind of talking, not the random kind!

OP posts:

Original poster

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 16:26

sally037 · 23/01/2023 14:50

Does he ask about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?

Nope, but he isn't likely to as we live nowhere near Norwich!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 16:33

We have a good connection in bed

Except that you can't say to him 'Can you stop doing that please, it turns me off'

You don't have a good connection in bed, OP, sorry. Things might work fine when you both want the same thing, but if you can't state your preferences without fear of hurting him, you don't have a good connection in any way.

What would be so terrible if he got a bit hurt? Or would it hurt him more than a bit if you asked him to focus on sex when sex was what you were doing together?

Original poster

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 23/01/2023 16:39

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 16:33

We have a good connection in bed

Except that you can't say to him 'Can you stop doing that please, it turns me off'

You don't have a good connection in bed, OP, sorry. Things might work fine when you both want the same thing, but if you can't state your preferences without fear of hurting him, you don't have a good connection in any way.

What would be so terrible if he got a bit hurt? Or would it hurt him more than a bit if you asked him to focus on sex when sex was what you were doing together?

It's a work in progress. I'm not great at expressing my feelings but can tell him what I like and occasionally what isn't doing it for me. I don't like hurting anyone's feelings, it goes back to childhood and an abusive marriage. But I'm definitely better at doing so. I wondered if talking was a common thing but now I know it isn't I will try and explain to him it turns me off.

OP posts:

Rockingcloggs · 23/01/2023 16:40

sally037 · 23/01/2023 14:50

Does he ask about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?

A-ha! I see what you did there!