Talking during sex

[Idontknowhatnametochoose]

For clarification, I don't mean sex talk!

My dp will sometimes talk about random stuff during sex or in the lead up to being intimate and I'm finding it kills the mood for me. I don't know how to tell him that or whether I'm just being ott. Does anyone else's partner talk during sex? Does it bother you?

Better at expressing feelings that is! Not hurting people's feelings.

I wondered if talking was a common thing but now I know it isn't I will try and explain to him it turns me off

Why do you care if it's common? Why does that make a difference to what you feel comfortable to say to him?

Well I still struggle with self doubt and wondering whether my feelings are valid. Ideally I would know that if I don't like something that is enough, but it helps to know others wouldn't necessarily like it either.

My dp will sometimes talk about random stuff during sex or in the lead up to being intimate

So he's going down on you and pauses to mention things like 'oh, by the way, we've run out of pasta twirls, can you pick some up at the shops?'

YANBU. Tell him.

Your feelings are always valid, so that's that sorted.

What if he did something 'in the moment' that violated your boundaries? How would you deal with that? Would you have to ask him to wait for 5 minutes whilst you checked with the Mumsnet crew, or would you ask him to stop because you didn't like it?

Can you see why it's a worry that you're having to consult? This is about your sexual boundaries. If you don't have confidence in them, and in expressing them, you're very vulnerable.

This has happened. He put his hand on my neck and I froze. He wouldn't hurt me in a million years but he's into bdsm and I'm not. I couldn't tell him. He hasn't done it since and that was months ago. I know I need to work on being upfront.

Lol not quite like that! The usual scenario is we are kissing touching etc and he will be talking about his day or some film he watched.

He now knows I hate bdsm by the way. I've told him that. I just find it hard to be upfront in the moment.

If you say something calmly, and make it about you and not him, then if he takes it hurtfully, he's not the partner for you.

'I'd rather talk about sex or nothing when we're having sex, can we do that from now on?'

rather than

'I don't like it when you talk about B&Q or the Wimbledon tournament, you turn me off so badly.'

Anything re your boundaries, make it about you. It is about you. And it's your responsibility to stay away from anybody who feels uncomfortable about that. It's not about telling him he's doing anything wrong, which is why he won't be hurt.

What do you think would happen if he was hurt? What do you think would be hurtful about it?

Is he using it as a way to, err, delay things, for himself?

If it was something humorous I’d be inclined to think nerves or maybe shyness.

Or maybe it feels good for him to feel you laughing when he’s inside you.

As you find it offputting, could you say “save that for later” and put your finger over his mouth in a “shhh” gesture, or snog him?