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Relationships

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Original poster

Accepting your marriage is over but not wanting to divorce/separate for financial and child arrangement reasons

45 replies

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 10:04

Posting on behalf of a friend who has recently accepted he is no longer in love with his wife after circa 20 years together.
His wife is oblivious to his feelings and thinks that all is well.
My friend has confided in me in that he does not want to divorce or separate from his wife because financially it will destroy him (she is named on the family home but he paid the deposit and pays the mortgage and all of the bills) he also works full time and she is semi retired (significant age gap between them) they also share one teenage child.
I am at a loss as to what to say to him and wondered if there are any coping strategies to help him deal with the ending of his marriage in his mind but the fact he does not want to divorce or separate from her?
I have advised him this isn't a healthy environment to raise his teenage child in but this fell on deaf ears.
Has anyone successfully managed to "co-exist" i guess is the right word with a partner who is oblivious to the problems in the marriage but you have therefore accepted this is the only way?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 23/01/2023 10:14

If the royals can't co-exist amicably with all their huge estates and resources then it seems unlikely that two people in one normal house will be happy.

Firstly, the wife will eventually work it out (if she hasn't already). At that point she may be angry and hurt that she has been lied to. She may want to split and your friend will have no choice but to divorce.

And inevitably at some point, one of them will then meet someone else, and want to progress that new relationship. It just isn't healthy for any of the family to live a lie and your friend needs to accept that.

He would be well advised to look at his wife's pension provision, make sure she has 35 years NI paid (if she is in the UK) and start saving for when the inevitable happens.

supercali77 · 23/01/2023 10:17

How is his wife oblivious, but you are well aware of the situation. Something is wrong with this picture.

Original poster

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 10:26

Without being too outing, the wife's idea of a marriage is proportionally different to that of the husband. Before anyone says, no I am not having an affair with her husband - we are just long time friends. Please don't start casting aspersions without knowing the full facts.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 23/01/2023 10:33

For starters - i think many marriages reach a place where people coexist more as partners, than lovers at some stage. And on its own, I don’t think it’s a problem. All depends on the expectation, wants and needs of the spouses.
But your friend seems actively unhappy, so that won’t work. Eventually something is going to break down.

You say there is a significant age gap. Is he the younger spouse? Is it the case of age difference catching up with them?
Its not unusual.

As to the talk of financial ruin, and pointing out he paid the deposit and mortgage, and who is on the deeds - it’s irrelevant. After 20 years - it’s all considered family assets. Irrespective of who paid what.

Practically - the longer he waits, the less of his working life he has to rebuilt his finances. And less time to meet someone else.
But you can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped. So - just let him figure things our on his own.
He probably will, eventually. When he gets more unhappy and things would become less bearable.

PeekAtYou · 23/01/2023 10:38

Is he really willing to give up on his sexual and emotional needs? The child will be leaving before he knows it and it will be harder to endure. While he may like her now, the longer he stays the more he will resent her and more susceptible to cheating. Has he considered that she could cheat because he's so cold and take half the assets anyway?

I suspect that on his deathbed he would regret not leaving. Presumably he's the younger partner do has time to build savings again.

Starlitestarbright · 23/01/2023 10:42

Do you not feel remotely sorry for his poor wife?This man is only wanted to stay so he doesn't have a fall out financially over his long marriage. I hope she realises and divorces him and gets what's rightly hers.

Original poster

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 10:49

I don't feel sorry for the wife no - because she is in part hugely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, but also essentially he hasn't been bothered to repair things so it now this sorry state and they are both just muddling along.

He expressed that he feels trapped.

You are right PP regarding family assets, she did also in effect give up on her career and raise their child for several years which allowed him to work and progress in his career so this is also hugely recognised.

I guess they have just drifted to a point beyond repair now. He's told me he doesn't even want to try marriage counselling, in his mind he is just done with the marriage.

OP posts:

tribpot · 23/01/2023 10:59

He's told me he doesn't even want to try marriage counselling, in his mind he is just done with the marriage.
This does really sound like someone self-justifying an affair. If he's not setting you up for it, I think he's setting you up to be the person he can talk to about it. He's checked out of the marriage and he's not told his wife. That doesn't sound like a sustainable solution over a long period of time, nor is it fair.

As other posters have said, the wife could decide to divorce at any time and thus he's going to lose these assets he's so keen to protect anyway. Better to do it whilst he's still working and has time to rebuild his savings.

Deerlander · 23/01/2023 10:59

Well it sounds like you have a coward as a friend.

He needs to be speaking to his wife rather than you, how on earth having you in the mix of his marriage knowing details about their life when his wife is in the dark about how he feels is rediculous.

He's a grown man, why are you treating him like a child.

LemonTT · 23/01/2023 11:01

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 10:49

He expressed that he feels trapped.

I guess they have just drifted to a point beyond repair now. He's told me he doesn't even want to try marriage counselling, in his mind he is just done with the marriage.

Well he needs to tell her he is done with the marriage. Thats his next step. There are 2 outcomes. They divorce and split their assets up or stay together as they are.

You cannot solve any of this and getting involved is messy. I could actually understand it if you were involved with him. But you aren’t and there are no magic solutions that you can bring to the table.

frozendaisy · 23/01/2023 11:02

Well look they have a long marriage in legal eyes. It is a family house so that will need splitting. Financials will need sorting.

But surely a decent partner doesn't want the other parent of their child on the streets.

He has to suck up the financial split for his daughter's sake.

And then get in with his life.

MMmomDD · 23/01/2023 11:05

Not sure what the point of your post, really.
I get the feeling that you don’t, and possibly never really liked his W. And think he could have done better.
But he is where he is.

He sounds a bit spineless, tbh. He has a clearer and can support himself. Feeling trapped…. Well.
Compared to many women who are actually trapped - with small kids, and no real way to work and support themselves and their kids…. His plight doesn’t appear on the same scale.
He just sounds like he is having a midlife crisis. Or something.

Lilgamesh2 · 23/01/2023 11:07

He wants to sleep with you

Deerlander · 23/01/2023 11:16

So what's the age gap between you two ?

How long have you been friends ?

Do you know his wife ?

Thereisnolight · 23/01/2023 11:19

You’re either his mum or you fancy him. Otherwise why be so involved? Can’t he reflect upon these questions himself?

herewego9 · 23/01/2023 11:25

You are far too involved and should take a massive step back, none of your business. He's being beyond disrespectful to his wife and I hope she finds out asap.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 23/01/2023 11:26

Sounds like he’s setting you up for an affair, or setting you up as someone he can talk to about an affair…. Or “coping strategy” as you and he will call it.

Return2thebasic · 23/01/2023 11:27

Honestly, leave him to think through/work out his own solution. He's an adult and his marriage is not your responsibility to interfere, no matter how "well intended" you feel you are.

It just sounds wrong to tell your friends what to do in his marriage which affects the other two people (his wife and their child). Stay out of it. Providing a pair of ears to listen when required. That's it.

Whatsrheday · 23/01/2023 11:29

They can try emotion focused therapy to repair the marriage
Also tell him to Google Lee Baucom podcast

He needs to be talking to his wife about these issues, not you, sorry OP

Beamur · 23/01/2023 11:32

my friend has confided in me in that he does not want to divorce or separate from his wife because financially it will destroy him (she is named on the family home but he paid the deposit and pays the mortgage and all of the bills) he also works full time and she is semi retired (significant age gap between them) they also share one teenage child
You friend sounds pretty selfish and callous tbh. His wife has shared his life, presumably on terms they agreed at the time and they have a child together. Yet he somehow sees all of their shared assets as his and wants to offload his wife and resents the fact that she will be legally entitled to her fair share?
Nice.

Isheabastard · 23/01/2023 11:37

I don’t think it’s sustainable. In my experience when a marriage has reached this stage it will only get worse, unless they are both involved and agree to a ‘reset’.

The scenario goes like this: In his mind he no longer has his wife’s interests at heart. He may think that it’s not morally wrong to see other women, have hobbies and interests that take him away from home a lot or involve spending loads of money.

Over time his wife will see this but will be thinking they are in a committed marriage. She will become resentful, there will be arguments, or she may withdraw from him.

As time goes on their behaviour will alienate each other. It will turn into a viscous circle, and sooner or later one of them will pull the plug.

Honesty is best served in this case.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/01/2023 11:40

I know a couple who do this, in their scenario it’s the wife who has the higher income and refuses to hand over ‘half’ so they co-exist with one young adult DC. She maintains it’s fine as it was always an empty marriage, but IMO it’s awful. She leans on their DC as a replacement husband emotional crutch, and he is scared to leave home as he is aware he’s the only link between his parents.

You only get one life, it’s not worth being miserable.

Bestcatmum · 23/01/2023 11:42

I think he's a coward for not discussing this with his wife and allowing her to think everything is ok and live an awful lie.
He needs to give her the option what to do, she also has options such as not wanting to live a lie and being able to go and make another life for herself before she's too old.
It just isn't good enough staying with someone because of finances.
Does he really want to carry on like this until one of them is dead?
He needs to bite the bullet, confess and be prepared to lose some of his assets in order to move on to a new life.

theseangeldelights · 23/01/2023 11:49

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 10:26

What does this mean, 'proportionally different'? Could you be more specific? Is it related to sex, or lack of sex?
I think the best advice you can give him is to talk to his wife about his feelings.

unsync · 23/01/2023 11:59

I would not get involved. Maybe suggest counselling for him first though so he can get professional help to clarify this. He really needs to do the decent thing though and speak to his wife.

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