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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accepting your marriage is over but not wanting to divorce/separate for financial and child arrangement reasons

45 replies

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 10:04

Posting on behalf of a friend who has recently accepted he is no longer in love with his wife after circa 20 years together.
His wife is oblivious to his feelings and thinks that all is well.
My friend has confided in me in that he does not want to divorce or separate from his wife because financially it will destroy him (she is named on the family home but he paid the deposit and pays the mortgage and all of the bills) he also works full time and she is semi retired (significant age gap between them) they also share one teenage child.
I am at a loss as to what to say to him and wondered if there are any coping strategies to help him deal with the ending of his marriage in his mind but the fact he does not want to divorce or separate from her?
I have advised him this isn't a healthy environment to raise his teenage child in but this fell on deaf ears.
Has anyone successfully managed to "co-exist" i guess is the right word with a partner who is oblivious to the problems in the marriage but you have therefore accepted this is the only way?

OP posts:

Velvian · 23/01/2023 12:01

You're being very naive, OP. He has basically fed you the 'my wife doesn't understand me' line and you have fallen for it.

nutherwun · 23/01/2023 12:09

He must be lying to you OP.

Unless he's Tom Hanks I think it highly unlikely he could feel 'done' with his marriage and it not show in some way to his wife. You state that his wife is unaware of his feelings. If this is a genuine situation there would be signs she would notice (unless he has only recently started feeling 'done' with his marriage?).

Could be be a split personality so when he is with his wife he is one person and when she is not with him, he is another person? Is he getting some sort of gratification from making up stories about his marriage which result in you mothering him? Does he want to have sex with you?

Original poster

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 12:18

I really don't know why people bother posting for advice on her when people have already casted aspersions.

OP posts:

waterSpider · 23/01/2023 12:20

Practically speaking, he's less likely to be financially disadvantaged if any divorce is after the teenage child turns 18, though if she's retired she'll probably be needing more of any available assets so he may feel ruined if he thinks the money is really his.

nutherwun · 23/01/2023 12:22

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 12:18

I really don't know why people bother posting for advice on her when people have already casted aspersions.

No they haven't cast aspersions, OP. You're just getting different opinions from a wealth of experience. You're taking the responses too personally. He could be manipulating you and you just don't realise.

Deerlander · 23/01/2023 12:26

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 12:18

I really don't know why people bother posting for advice on her when people have already casted aspersions.

So why do you think he has told you about the state of his marriage.

Why not someone else.

Is it because you are his closest friend.

I really can't imagine one of my male friends being that close whereby they would chose me to offload their marriage problems and for me to post for advice.

Sorry op but you shouldn't get involved, you don't really know anything other that what this man is telling you. Have a sit down with her and find out her point of view, then maybe you would be taken seriously.

WinterFoxes · 23/01/2023 12:29

Her seems to be under the assumption that marriage doesn't take work.

IMO any long marriage will go through a few serious slumps. And then, just when you least expect to, you come out the other side and it's all good again.
It's very telling that he doesn't want to leave. But he doesnt want marriage counselling? So he doesn't want to put any effort into making things better.

Ask him to focus on what works. Financially, they are better off together - tick. he would prefer to raise their child together - tick. Are there easy things he could improve - like the practical quality of their home life? Or the degree of fun they have as a family, all together?

Are there things he could do to foster the marriage as a stroing, solid, trustworthy friendship - could they do things together - set up projects that matter to them both, or have fun exploring places or enjoying stuff they used to enjoy when they were first dating - running together or going to gigs - just to rekindle some of the pleasure in the relationship.

But you can't force sexual attraction. And I suspect what he really means is: I want to shag elsewhere.

Moonhouse · 23/01/2023 12:38

What WinterFoxes said. If he doesn’t want counselling and he doesn’t want to split then advise him to work bloody hard at reinvigorating his marriage. Old pictures, old stories, visit old haunts, a new hobby, spend time together. It will be hard at first but hopefully he will turn the corner and they will return to a happier time.

If he doesn’t want to work at it or have counselling or split up then what does he want? It doesn’t make logical sense. Surely if he is not happy to split up with her then it would be far better if they resurrect their relationship. He owes the woman he vowed to spend his life with a bit of honesty at the very least so SHE can decide if she wants to remain married to him.

If (after you make those suggestions) it doesn’t make sense it’s normally because facts are missing and the only other thing I can think of is that someone else (I am not saying you) has caught his eye and he is justifying his wandering eye by blaming her/rewriting history/making her the baddie.

PeekAtYou · 23/01/2023 12:41

Are you related to this person?

Are you single ?

If you are single and not family, watch out for him turning you into his affair partner. Emotional affairs start with discussing stuff that you can't with your partner and as he's convinced you that he's trapped (ie the victim), you are a prime candidate to try and get sex from.

Tiswa · 23/01/2023 12:42

A marriage cannot be over without starting the process of those things. What he needs is that it is fine for him to want to end the marriage but he needs to end it

living like this isn’t healthy. One suspects he doesn’t want to divide up his assets

Hoppinggreen · 23/01/2023 12:46

Most men only tell a woman they are unrelated to their marriage is in trouble for one reason. So either he’s very very unusual or you are being naive

Deerlander · 23/01/2023 12:53

@WinterFoxes

I agree, his choices if he does not want them to divorce is either repair/rejuvinate the marriage or become so financially wealthy that he can afford to divorce.

So op what do you think, are you up for encouraging him to heal his relationship by advising him to become emotionally and sexually closer to his wife or advise him how to become a viable entrepreneur who has enough disposable cash that allows him to have numerous families.

Can you see how much pressure is on you.

thisismynewface · 23/01/2023 14:01

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 12:18

I really don't know why people bother posting for advice on her when people have already casted aspersions.

People can just see the situation Morley clearly than you.
Why is he discussing his marriage with you?
Sounds like he wants to be unfaithful and looking for excuses.
It's textbook/cliched behaviour and that is why lots of posters are suggesting it.

thisismynewface · 23/01/2023 14:02

tribpot · 23/01/2023 14:03

You obviously don't feel that his decision to share this problem with you has a deeper motive @FeelingLost2 but I don't think that takes away from the majority of the advice which is that he needs to talk to his wife and decide together what they want to do. Kicking the can down the road is not ultimately going to be helpful to anyone.

Original poster

FeelingLost2 · 23/01/2023 14:09

I agree, he does need to speak to his wife. It's a conversation for him and her to have and nobody else. But I know he won't do that straight away. They have separated a number of years ago and got back together to give it another go but it appears to have made things even worse.

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 23/01/2023 14:11

Nobody is casting aspersions, you've just had some suggestions that differ from what you've come up with yourself up to now.

You want suggestions on how to help him cope with the fact that he's ending his marriage in his head but doesn't want to tell his wife about it? I'm not sure if anyone can help him with that, there's going to be work involved whatever happens next.

nutherwun · 23/01/2023 14:11

Why won't he speak to her straight away?

Deerlander · 23/01/2023 16:25

They have separated a number of years ago and got back together to give
it another go but it appears to have made things even worse.

Really, that's a shock.

Return2thebasic · 23/01/2023 20:49

May I ask you what do you think his wife might feel if she knows he's taking advice from you to fix their marriage?? Or what does she think even just that you are giving advice to her husband?

Muddling other people's marriage is not a joke. You don't know if what you say/advise would really help them or make things worse. Because, surprise: nobody can tell!

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