Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW: Partner said child sex abuse is funny

42 replies

Lifeisanillusion · 23/01/2023 09:19

My partner (28M) and I (29F) have been together for 4 years. We are in a long distance relationship at the moment as he has moved for work and I am supposed to be moving to live with him soon.

I am still living at home and recently I discovered images and videos of child sex abuse on my dad's phone. This has broken me, I have been so distraught and I almost had mental breakdown so I went to the council and they have put me in temp accomodation. I have also reported my dad to the police.

I was really scared to tell my partner incase he didn't want to be with me anymore. I messaged him saying I have something to tell you that has happened in my family, it's really bad and I'm scared you will leave me. I then called him about it and his reaction has really confused me, he was saying things such as 'Its not as bad as I thought it was going to be'. 'If I found out my friend was watching CP, I would tell him to stop but I would find it funny' and then he made a joke like 'oi mate got any kiddie porn'.

Since then I have questioned him about it and he has said it's just a bizarre situation and he meant funny in a shocking way because he has never known anyone to watch it.
He has been supportive about everything and has said I have done the right thing by going to the police but then he has implied that I shouldn't have left home over it because I was leaving in a month to live with him anyway.

I am just so confused about his reaction. I don't know what think. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
ParmaViolett · 23/01/2023 09:22

Oh good grief! That’s not a normal reaction to children being violated and raped, this would put an end to my relationship with him immediately. There is nothing ‘funny’ about sexually abusing defenceless children.

HotPotInASpot · 23/01/2023 09:23

WTAF?! Leave him, that is the only possible advice anyone can give you. Unless he has some kind of severe learning disabilities or is an incredibly naive teenager there is absolutely no excuse for an adult to minimise child sex abuse like this. The way he talks about it sounds as if he thinks it’s a funny little kink like being into BDSM or something.

Ihatethenewlook · 23/01/2023 09:24

My advice would be to leave anyone who thinks child rape is funny. Please don’t get pregnant by him.

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 09:27

I could accept him saying it was not as bad as he thought, well because it could have been even worse, e.g. you could have found out that your father had children in an underground bunker.

But other than that, no this is no an acceptable or a normal response. I think you have to end it, there is something not right with him.

Ncgirlseriously · 23/01/2023 09:37

Uh, yeah, run. Like seriously run how is this even a question? 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Beautiful3 · 23/01/2023 10:02

I'm sorry but that's not normal, at all. You know it and we all know it. How could you ever envision a future with someone (and possibly have a baby with), who dismisses child rape, as something funny?! Get rid.

AnyMucca · 23/01/2023 10:10

Has he shown any concern for you at all? He's treating it like fucking bantz. Time for a rethink.

BeanyBops · 23/01/2023 10:14

When life gets hard, you find out who people really are. This man is showing you who he really is. Consider it a gift than you found out now, and leave him. I wonder if he finds all sorts of abuse funny. I wouldn't want to be the woman that finds that out.

YRGAM · 23/01/2023 10:15

That's a very unusual reaction

BritInAus · 23/01/2023 10:17

It's not at all normal and I hope that deep down you know this.

how is this man still your partner?!?

i don't mean that flippantly - I'm really sorry you're facing this horrible situation with your dad and commend you for reporting him. But please: leave this man and don't look back.

Faradalla · 23/01/2023 10:20

Run away.

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 23/01/2023 10:22

End it and never speak to him again. Maybe report him too? There is no context or explanation that makes it ok.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/01/2023 10:22

Dump him immediately. How could you be with someone who treats child abuse like a joke?!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 23/01/2023 10:24

If you don't end your relationship you support his support of child abuse.

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 23/01/2023 10:25

Start looking for permanent accommodation. Tell him it's over, that 'normal' people don't think Child sexual abuse & rape are 'funny' in any way.

No way I'd want him in my life.

I'm incredibly sorry for you going through this with your father. Im not one much for counselling, but I think you should try to find some for this. Do you still have your Mum, are your parents still together? how's she dealing with this?

Ditch this twat, enjoy living on your own in your own place or house share. You can do this.

Also, your father's behaviour is abhorrent, but it's not YOURS! It's not 'on you'.
It's natural to be conflicted about your love for him too. Find a specialist to talk to x

caramac04 · 23/01/2023 10:26

That is not a normal reaction from a decent man.
You need to end this relationship.
I’m sorry you’re in such a shit situation but maybe you need to re evaluate what you want in life and make a plan to get it.

Zola1 · 23/01/2023 10:28

What an awful situation. You are amazing and so strong and brave for reporting your Dad. That must jave been awful to discover. Have you had any counselling as I think anyone would need support around this?
In relation to the guilt it sounds like you had when speaking to your partner..it isn't your fault and you don't need anyone to 'accept' that this has happened in your family. You didn't do anything wrong and any normal human would respond with care and concern for you.
Do you think your partner was trying to make light of it so as not to make you feel worse? Was it a bad attempt at trying to help you feel better?
It sounds like his response was completely inappropriate and you are right to be concerned. Would he think it funny if the child sexual abuse images were of his niece/nephew/young relative etc? Does he understand that it isn't 'kiddie porn' it's images of crime scenes where children have been seriously harmed?

Thoughtful2355 · 23/01/2023 10:33

not that bad???

Its the worse type of crime in my opinion. For me .. whoever watches that stuff Is the worse type of person to walk this planet, would he have felt worse if he was a rapist? a serial killer?

Its not funny at all that innocent little children are being used and abused like that for those people to get sexual gratification. Its disgusting and i would be shocked. I am also sorry you had to see it. Many people in jobs whos role it is is to view that stuff end up commiting suicide as its just too graphic.

BUT it could be foot in mouth, he was maybe trying to make you feel calmer about how he felt because you said about him leaving you, but it was definitely not right of him to do.

Thoughtful2355 · 23/01/2023 10:34

I think for me, i couldnt stay with someone when i dont really know how they meant it because hes either a twat that doesnt feel anything for those children, or hes stupid and made a shitty comment. Either way i couldnt be with him in case he legit thought it was funny...

Showersugar · 23/01/2023 10:34

I'm sorry you're surrounded by these abusive men. Discovering this about your father must have been profoundly distressing, and for your partner to minimise and joke about this I'd seriously question whether he has any sexually harmful behaviours himself.

You did a wonderful thing reporting your Dad, in doing so you stood up for those defenceless children. You should be really proud of yourself, get rid of this dreadful boyfriend and focus on yourself. The weeks and months ahead are likely to be tough so you need to surround yourself with people who will lift you up and support you.

monsteramunch · 23/01/2023 10:34

You would be absolutely out of your fucking mind to even have further contact with this man, let alone continue a relationship with him.

monsteramunch · 23/01/2023 10:35

And to echo what others have said, thank you for reporting your dad Flowers

serenghetti2011 · 23/01/2023 10:41

Horrific the fact that he used the term ‘kiddie porn’ is worrying in itself there is no such thing these are indecent images of children or images of child sex abuse. It’s never something to joke about or make light of. I would be thinking long and hard about someone who does/says these things as a ‘joke’ sorry you’re going through this.

on a side not the Lucy faithful foundation supports families of men who have committed these crimes or stop it now if you’re in Scotland, very knowledgeable. Sometimes you need to talk about it as it’s not something you can just drop into conversation with a friend.

been and done it. · 23/01/2023 10:43

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 23/01/2023 10:22

End it and never speak to him again. Maybe report him too? There is no context or explanation that makes it ok.

As vile as he sounds report him for what?

Pinkbonbon · 23/01/2023 10:48

Sounds like he'd be a gaslighting prick. Him or any other man do anything awful and he'd be like 'it's just banter/you're overreacting you silly woman'. He'd downplay anything and everything if he can use it as an opportunity to make you doubt your own judgement.