Does your BF/husband play games? If they do, how much gaming time is too much in your opinion?

[Minfiliaa]

My boyfriend is an enthusiastic gamer. He has a PS5, Xbox and a Switch. He spends around 4 hours a night on his games. I would say it's probably his primary hobby. He also spends a lot of money on the games to the point where they are piled up in boxes and drawers around the house. When I suggest he should get rid of some of them, he says he can't because he'll "miss them too much". I am wondering if he has a problem. We currently have no children but I have to say, I don't know if he would be able to suddenly stop playing his games if we had a baby. He says he could but I have my doubts.

Please don't have kids with this person. I was married to someone with a gaming addiction, and he just refused to do anything other than game. Didn't help in the house, or money etc.

I left him. He managed about a month of doing it in a reasonable way, but he got sucked back in. It was clear he wouldn't change, so off I went.

I'd say 4 h a week would be limit with kids. But personally it'd be a no go from the start.

We both game, me not as much, but then I also play rugby, train, play piano and crochet, he games more than me as his only other hobby is cycling (although he doesn’t cycle in the winter). He probably averages about two hours a day I guess, which is a similar amount of time I spend doing hobbys etc.

It’s really hard to say.

Both me and dp game. It depends on what’s going on. My kids aren’t young. More often than not, when I game it’s with ds when he is at his dads and he asks to play.

Dp might game a lot one weekend and then not for few weekends. Our gaming stuff is set up in the bedroom, so everyone else can use the living room and it goes off if one of us go to bed.

It’s never considered when we make plans. So no plans are rearranged to facilitate gaming. It doesn’t interfere with family life. We do plenty of other things.

If he is addicted to gaming, that’s a huge problem in a relationship especially if you want kids.

Gaming is like any other hobby. Gaming isn’t a problem. It’s the person. You see so many people here, whose partners put their hobbies first. Cycling and golf mainly. If it’s negatively impacted family life, it’s a problem. Regardless of the actual hobby.

In some ways it’s a hobby like watching TV etc. Problem is if he starts refusing to do other stuff than gaming. Will he spend time with you? Watching a film, chatting etc?

No I wouldn't be interested in someone who plays games as an adult. To me that would be like a teenage son not a husband

How does he have time for a relationship let alone for fatherhood?

If he doesn't make the time to be a good boyfriend then no way would he make the time to be a good father.

My dp games on a PC and can be on it loads. But he helps around the house and is good with his son. Doesn't bother me how long he's on it

I think it depends - does it impact your daily life? Does he miss special occasions because of it? Will he avoid doing things with you to game?

My DH games, but it's more on an ad hoc basis. He enjoys a couple of hours a week probably (no DC yet) but it's only when he's got free time and he'll happily stop to do something else or help out with something. I watch YouTube when he's gaming so it just works out as a similar amount of time watching screens. It's never gaming instead of anything else, it's more if we've both got free time we'll just use it to do things and he'll game.

I find gaming a really anti-social hobby. My ex would game for several hours every night… plugged in with headphones in the spare room. He was also in denial about how long he gamed for. He spent more and more time gaming. I felt isolated and lonely and it ended our marriage. If this sounds familiar I would say leave your partner sooner rather than wait x

4 hours a night sounds like an addiction.

Gaming is a wonderful hobby and you don't have to be male to enjoy it. I love games. But I'm also an adult with responsibilities and other needs (e.g. fresh air!) so I usually spend an hour a day tops on gaming. Sometimes if I have a free afternoon I might do 2 or 3 hours.

I have a relative like your husband, who did have kids, and it pains me to say it but he's not a good dad. He still spends hours a day on his consoles to the detriment of his children. Their mother has left him and now lives separately with the kids. He is addicted to gaming but he either can't see it or doesn't seem to care enough to get help.

Personally I would recommend not putting yourself in that situation. He won't understand why you want him to stop gaming and will say you are being unreasonable, but he is clearly addicted with the amount he's playing. Sad to say it but I would not recommend having children with this person unless he can show you that he can reduce the gaming time and focus on other things in life. It's such a common problem in relationships/ families, and if he can't see why you are concerned, that is a problem in itself. You are not wrong or unreasonable to be concerned about this.

Don't think a future of family weekends and evenings together will be on the cards if this is what he does now.
My OH games daily and it annoyed me before we had DC as it was hours every night but I had a full social life (without him) and worked full-time. It wasn't too bad but it really became unbearable after DC.
Nothing could drag him away and I asked him why he even bothered to have children. I challenged him to not game for one week at home and he actually managed it but then was straight back to it as a reward.

Your children will register as they age what his priorities are and that is heartbreaking and damaging.

My ex gamed to the point of neglecting the dc when I was working shifts, so my perspective is skewed. I think gaming is more addictive and isolating than many other hobbies, which makes it incompatible with family life.

I don't let my younger dc game at home, but that's all they ever do with their father now. Bone of contention!

My OH I would say was addicted he would also now agree he was, to gaming on ps4.
He became really bad just before our first child arrived he would spent from around 9pm until 2am on the PlayStation. He would get bloodshot eyes, wore headphones and spoke to his friends. The types of headphones where they can't hear you speak. I was sick of it, I couldn't take much more he would get very frustrated with the games if he lost and would spend money on virtual coins.

It came to a head really when it was our last Xmas eve before I gave birth and I wanted him to come off it so we could watch some Christmas films together as it was our last Xmas as couple. He blew his lid! That's when I realised he had a major problem.

Once baby came he was still playing, but it came to a head when baby was about 1 years old and he realised he had a problem as he would rather play then watch his daughters first steps outside! Took for our relationship to nearly crumble for him to realise. Now he says he can see it was unhealthy and he was addicted. I personally felt very lonely when he used to game for the whole evening.

Maybe do a trial period, see how he is for two weeks no gaming? A baby literally changes everything and you don't want to be left with the baby 24/7 whilst he's gaming, as you will start to resent him

DP probably games for an average of 2-4 hours a day. We both game, often together, so he doesn't game and ignore me. I don't have an issue with it, but he's (nearly!) always pretty respectful.

If I need him to stop and help, or I just want to spend some time with him, he'll stop. He doesn't ignore my DC, and will pause or stop if they want to talk to him. If he wants to join a group thing, he'll check that I won't need him for something for the next 30 mins / hour / however long. He didn't do this one time, and I ended up sat on my own, eating the dinner I'd cooked for us both. Words were had, he was apologetic, and now always checks.

I know he loves gaming, I know it's his primary hobby, but I also know where his priorities are, so for us, it isn't a problem. If we had a tiny baby, or small children, it would be a lot harder though. He would need to be just as tuned in to the baby's needs as I was. If I had to keep asking him to tag in for bath times, or bed times, I would probably end up feeling resentful. Being made into the default adult, so one person can semi- check out, is a relationship killer.

How does he react if you interupt him, OP? What if you interupt him repeatedly? Does he still make you feel like a priority over gaming? Or does he get annoyed?

Does he game after you go to bed or is this instead of spending time with you in the evening? It’s not really much of a partnership if he’d rather play games than spend time with you; even worse if you have kids and he doesn’t want to do stuff with them.

I don't think other people can answer this with any degree of usefulness, because your situation is unique, just like everyone's. Gaming 4 hours a day is fine if you only have to work for 3 hours a day, for example, but if you're working an 8 hour day, less so.

If he's happy with himself as he is, and you're not, it doesn't really matter if 'he has a problem'. He is what he is, and as long as he's not breaking the law, he can do what he likes. You have to decide for yourself whether you think he's going to give you the relationship you want, and then act according to your decision.

I wouldn't say 4 hours a night is an addiction. My partner plays more than that but if I say need him for something he will stop playing. Or we end up watching something on telly. He never gets stroppy if I ask him to stop playing. He knows his priorities are me and the baba. I don't mind him playing. He's got MH issues and it keeps him distracted from it.

@MangoBiscuit To be honest, I could be doing a striptease next to the TV and I am not sure if he would notice! Sometimes he gets right up to the screen and looks like he is in a trance when he is playing a game.

DH games, he spends roughly 3-4 evenings a week gaming, this will be from the minute the kids are in bed (7pm) until usually about 11pm. He would absolutely game more evenings if I would let him but like other pp’s I find it lonely sitting watching TV alone or whatever, that’s not why I got married! I put up with it because he doesn’t have any other hobbies, and never ever goes on his console during the day so it doesn’t impact the children at all. He also doesn’t spend much money on it, he plays one game and has a headset, chair etc but that’s it. DH will flex these evenings to fit around my plans, so for instance if I went out with a friend for dinner he would game that night so that we could say watch a film on the next night. I would say for us that whilst I would prefer him to game less it is not excessive but some people might say it is too much, it’s hard to judge because it is so personal.

I'm a gamer and there isn't a black and white answer to the question of how much is too much - but I've always taken the attitude that the moment gaming takes me away from other responsibilities and affects relationships then it's too much.

So I might game when the kids go to bed, but never at the expense of my relationship with my partner, I never turn down going out in order to game instead etc. This does reduce my gaming but then we make it work, I'l occasionally have an hour in an evening or stay up late one night a week gaming if we're not doing anything that night for example.

Like any addiction, too much varies person to person but the moment it affects relationships and impacts other people is the moment it's too much. You've said it gets in the way of your sex life which is a big red flag to me.

That's fair enough, playing games for 4 hours a night doesn't in itself mean you have a gaming addiction.

But OP's partner is saying he can't get rid of games which are piled up all over the house because he would 'miss them too much'.

I like games myself and understand the appeal/ nostalgic attachment, but this level of dependency is an addiction or unhealthy level of attachment at the very least. The fact that OP is questioning/ worrying about it alone says something.

Whether or not it's strictly an 'addiciton', I suppose the point is that it's already causing issues in their relationship, because OP has started a thread abotu it.

Lots of red flags for addiction- 4 hours an evening is a lot, especially seeming in a trance when you try talking to him.

Definitely don't have kids with him. If it were me I'd want to leave. Living with any kind of addict is exhausting and soul destroying.

Dh likes video games, I've dabbled but not as bothered. We've always been fairly indépendant so pre baby used to spend a lot of time on our individual hobbies each week and easily 4 hours a night.
Him judo/gaming/socialising
Me gym/swimming/spa trips socialising

Now we have a daughter we both naturally do far less, we try for one nice meal together a week after she's in bed.
We're both working different hours to minimise childcare. He probably gets 2 hours a night sometimes after dd goes to bed if I'm working.

The key thing isn't counting the time spent but priorities. Dh and I both organise our priorities like this

Dd and quality family
Each others well being
Work
Chores
Hobbies

We both pull together and get equal time off to go do our own thing so no one feels resentful

I like my games too but maybe do 60-90 mins on a work night and only when everything else is done.

However my ex was so engrossed in a game that he didn’t notice our 2 year old had gone into the kitchen, emptied the cupboards, and poured flour and cereal all over the kitchen and living room. I left him soon after that!

So sometimes it’s a problem, and sometimes it isn’t.