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Original poster

Turned his back and fell asleep as I tried to talk about my autistic son and his struggles..

52 replies

forwhomthebelltrolls · 22/01/2023 22:25

When I lay beside partner, trying to chat about my child who has autism and struggles socially. I was quietly tearful and very sad at the time. I had never been emotional about him before but there had been an issue for my child that day.

He is not his son.

He turned over.
He fell asleep.
I'm just shocked
Can there be any excusing this ?

OP posts:
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 22:35

It depends on the context. Is your partner usually a caring and supportive person in your life?Was he exhausted at the time? Or is he often someone who switches off when you need to talk? Etc.

I understand how hurt you must've been, especially as I have an autistic ds myself. Its horrible to open up to someone about something deeply painful and they fell asleep on you. But your description doesn't make your dp a bad person, it could just be a crappy moment.

MichelleScarn · 22/01/2023 22:38

What had been happening prior to this? How tired could he have been and what time was this at? Is he normally caring?

I can be absolutely dreadful at conversationn if am knackered, ready for sleep and actually in bed and lights are out!

Cheesandcrackers · 22/01/2023 22:45

It depends. If he genuinely was very tired than it might have been a bit much at that hour. This might be worth speaking about though so at least you know.

UWhatNow · 22/01/2023 22:46

Sometimes last thing at night - in bed - is not the time to talk about deep and meaningfuls. Especially if you’re expecting the other person to respond in a fully emotionally engaged way.

Goodread1 · 22/01/2023 22:47

When you exhausted 😩 you just are really 😴

I don't think this sounds like your partner is crap 🤔

Unless he often is disengaged too busy to sit down and talk too or prefer too just talk about himself and his problems most/all of the time,
Dismiss any or all your concerns 😟 in any way
Yes well obviously there is an issue then that needs to be addressed in some way...

Original poster
forwhomthebelltrolls · 22/01/2023 22:55

Thanks
He spends alot of time sleeping. He is selfish but can be caring. He can also give a lot of unsolicited advice.
He really hurt me but I can be sensitive too.
I just don't know.
It was definitely time for sleep though.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 22/01/2023 23:06

I'm a little bit on his side just from the OP. I'm a terrible sleeper and I have had to get very hard-line with my DH as he has a tendency to wait until I say "I'm just off to bed" to tell me something urgent that can't wait. I used to listen to him but then I went to bed with a head buzzing with plans for the week or some other thing that needs some input from me and didn't sleep properly. Now I just tell him that if it can't wait he can put it all in an email and I'll read it in the morning or he can tell me the next day.

On the other hand if he doesn't listen to you ever, even at a more reasonable time of day, then he is not as supportive as I would want my partner/DH to be.

78Summer · 22/01/2023 23:07

Men tend to just pass out in bed. If he is mainly caring I would not take it to heart.

Pinkbonbon · 22/01/2023 23:15

'He's selfish' - is not partner material.
'He gives lots of unsolicited advice' ee gads, one of them 🙄. Hard pass!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/01/2023 23:16

I think that's rubbish. It takes nothing to say, 'sorry love can we talk tomorrow I'm just too tired now'
Who silently turns their back on a tearful person without a quick hug and a 'get some sleep, we'll talk tomorrow'. Or similar.
I think he's emotionally detached to do this.
I sometimes find last thing at night is when the things on my mind come to the fore and I want to talk.
DH, quite often is just ready to sleep, but he'd never just roll over without acknowledging he's doing that and giving me a raincheck for the chat. I don't demand he goes this, it's just human kindness to not completely ignore someone's distress.

JoanCandy · 22/01/2023 23:18

I'm on your side, OP. I have a DD with SEN and physical disabilities, I mainly keep my concerns about her to my self so when I open up to someone else it's a big deal - I would be feeling very hurt, too.
The 'unsolicited advice' bit is also a red flag for me.
I don't think this person is going to be able to offer you the support that you need going forward.
I hope your DS is OK.

MMmomDD · 22/01/2023 23:27

OP - ‘He spends a lot of time sleeping’ is a strange thing to say. Sounds like you are judging him and thinking that he shouldn’t be tired/sleepy when he is.
I think you have some sort of mismatched communication expectations.
You can’t expect him to be there for you and listen to when YOU talk, while dismissing him as giving you ‘unsolicited advice’ when he talks.
This is a general comment, not about that specific evening. On that evening, he may have just been tired.

Mom2K · 22/01/2023 23:38

I think that's rubbish. It takes nothing to say, 'sorry love can we talk tomorrow I'm just too tired now'
Who silently turns their back on a tearful person without a quick hug and a 'get some sleep, we'll talk tomorrow'. Or similar.

Was about to post exactly this. He seems cold and selfish. Not normal behaviour of someone who is inherently kind and who loves their partner. To have said something before rolling over is just common courtesy isn't it?

WhatDoesItSay · 22/01/2023 23:38

Why would you be with someone you describe as selfish? If you didn't have a kid and decided for yourself that you are ok to hang out with a selfish man but it's not fair to inflict that on a child.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/01/2023 00:09

Get.Rid

"I dont care about your son, I dont care about you,I dont care what you care about. I am going to sleep. But I know more than you do about the thing I dont care about"

Seriously....bin this shit head off.

AubadeIsIt · 23/01/2023 00:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/01/2023 00:09

Get.Rid

"I dont care about your son, I dont care about you,I dont care what you care about. I am going to sleep. But I know more than you do about the thing I dont care about"

Seriously....bin this shit head off.

This.

toomuchlaundry · 23/01/2023 00:16

Do you live together? How is he with your son?

Johnisafckface · 23/01/2023 00:17

I think if he’s only dozed off while you were talking it would be okay. But he turned his back, to me that was like dismissing you and whatever you had to say and your feelings as unimportant.

i wouldn’t be okay with that.

madeyemoody · 23/01/2023 00:27

My wife always says to me don't start any serious conversation without prior warning in bed. That's because as soon as she gets in bed she starts to fall asleep and it's not fair on her for me to expect a thoughtful deep reply to a serious issue when she is falling asleep.

Bed isn't the right space to be talking about that. Be upset but to expect full attentive support isn't exactly fair.

I hope your DP apologises and asks you to talk again about it when you are both awake and attentive.

Original poster
forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 02:01

He doesn't live with me.
No ...his response to me bringing up why he turned his back was that he sleeps like that , no mention of discussion

OP posts:
mackthepony · 23/01/2023 02:06

Get rid

He doesn't give a shit

emptythelitterbox · 23/01/2023 02:38

Get rid
He doesn't care.

Monty27 · 23/01/2023 03:04

It's a daft time to raise a deep issue. When you try to speak to him at normal times of the day is it the same?
Maybe he was really tired or doesn't want to hear it only you can tell.

Rickandmortified100 · 23/01/2023 03:38

Sorry OP but it really pisses me off when my DH tries to talk with me just as I’m drifting off! I am always tired come bedtime from long days and just want to sleep. I’d have gone to sleep too or even got quite upset myself that DH was trying to yet again have a conversation with me when I’ve asked him not to wake me/chat to me as I’m trying to sleep! It’s not appropriate to have a big chat with someone - especially an emotional one - when they’re clearly trying to sleep? Save it for daytime!

ArcticSkewer · 23/01/2023 03:45

Boyfriend rather than partner? I wouldn't expect much in that case. He may just not care very much. Fair enough if that is hurtful and perhaps not what you are hoping for. If he's a partner but doesn't live with you, in what other ways are you deeply committed to each other?

Honestly though, either way, I would hate being ambushed with anything as I was falling asleep. It's hugely inconsiderate.

In what way does he 'spend a lot of time sleeping'? Don't we all? A third of our lives on average.