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Original poster

Turned his back and fell asleep as I tried to talk about my autistic son and his struggles..

52 replies

forwhomthebelltrolls · 22/01/2023 22:25

When I lay beside partner, trying to chat about my child who has autism and struggles socially. I was quietly tearful and very sad at the time. I had never been emotional about him before but there had been an issue for my child that day.

He is not his son.

He turned over.
He fell asleep.
I'm just shocked
Can there be any excusing this ?

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 23/01/2023 05:18

I think this is really poor you tried to speak to him about something on your mind and he turned over and went to sleep. You also describe him as selfish, It seems like he's not going to be a positive addition to your family . If you are wanting someone to become a part of your family I'd look elsewhere.

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 06:07

If my boyfriend did that when I was talking about something emotional I’d be really annoyed. I’d have expected him to have at the very least given me a hug and said let’s have a good chat about it tomorrow. Turning over, saying nothing and going to sleep is very insensitive

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 06:21

DH is always trying to start a conversation before bed and it drives me batshit. We had this conversation just last night actually - I think I said something alone the lines of "I have work in the morning so please, in the nicest way, shut up and let me go to sleep!"

It wasn't even important, he was asking me about wellies 🙄

But as a general rule, if I'm ready for bed, it's not the time to try and have a deep and emotional conversation - emergencies aside, of course.

It may be that he's a crap partner in general, but I don't think he's selfish for wanting to go to bed at bedtime 🤷🏻‍♀️

WhatNoRaisins · 23/01/2023 06:29

Do you think you maybe set him up to fail here OP?

quinceh · 23/01/2023 06:51

If he’s generally selfish or doesn’t really
listen to you, that’s definitely an issue. If I’m really tired though I’ll fall asleep whatever you’re talking to me about so perhaps he’s a bit like that and it wasn’t quite the right time for the conversation.

MangoBiscuit · 23/01/2023 07:15

He rolled away from you, because he sleeps like that. Right. So he decided that he was going to sleep, and that he wasn't going to engage in the conversation any longer.

He didn't just drift off by accident, he actively chose to get into his sleeping postion, and just ignore you. What an arse!

If he was tired and starting to nod off, he could have said something like "I'm sorry, but I'm so tired I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. Could we continue this tomorrow?" If he'd just nodded off, I could understand that. But rolling over "because he sleeps like that" says it was intentional. To say nothing, decide to sleep, and just ignore you. Selfish arse.

DoorTable · 23/01/2023 07:21

That's not a partner, he is your boyfriend.

When he advises you say it's a lot of unsolicited advice. You call him selfish and sleeps a lot. What does this even mean?! I assume he doesn't have children, if he is tired and needs to sleep why can't he? You have a high need child, most parents without children with autism don't sleep much anyway. He's not on your schedule or at your life stage.

It's also not his child and he isn't getting involved because presumably when he tried to give advice it wasn't received well since you called it unsolicited. Men don't naturally have the ability to sit and listen just to be supportive. They hear a problem, they want to fix it and find a solution and move on. They don't like listening for listening sake unless like women might do for each other. Unless a man has done work to develop his emotional intelligence and listening skills, they just don't deal with things the same as us women. They don't want to talk for talking sakes or listen endlessly while you circulate the same topic again and again.

If you knew he sleeps a lot why would you choose bedtime to talk about this? I think you need support from someone else maybe a professional and to review your relationship with your boyfriend.

SweetSakura · 23/01/2023 07:23

I don't know, it's hard to say, but it drives me up the wall when DH starts talking about something important late at night, my brain is winding down then. And sometimes when I get into bed I literally cannot stay awake.

So it's hard to say without more info really, but I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your son

booboo24 · 23/01/2023 07:26

If he's generally just a bit selfish at times (isn't everybody?!) And he's normally a good partner, then yes, I'd be annoyed but that would be it. You said yourself it was definitely bed time, and that he sleeps a lot. I'm like that, I'm worn out from working full time, my daughter has asd and adhd, and between myself and my brother we have become carers for our mum now, so I fall asleep the minute i stop, even with the best will in the world, so I can sympathise with him, if you're tired you're tired.

I would let him know it upset you though as I can see why you'd feel like you do

STARCATCHER22 · 23/01/2023 07:28

Context is quite key here. At what time did you try and have this conversation? 8pm… he’s been a twat. 11.30pm… you’re being unreasonable.

Original poster
forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 07:41

We were both lying on our backs, me in his arms and for some reason I got overwhelmingly sad.
I didn't choose that time.
I was probably rambling on but just sad I guess.
He said he was too warm and needed to turn over.
And that's what he did
That's the context.
Lights were out.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 23/01/2023 07:47

I think it wouldn't be fair to be too annoyed with him when those just sound like the actions of someone who wanted to be asleep

STARCATCHER22 · 23/01/2023 07:48

forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 07:41

We were both lying on our backs, me in his arms and for some reason I got overwhelmingly sad.
I didn't choose that time.
I was probably rambling on but just sad I guess.
He said he was too warm and needed to turn over.
And that's what he did
That's the context.
Lights were out.

That’s not the context. Whether you chose the time or not, the time that it happened is relevant. By avoiding the question, it’s quite clear that it was late which makes it a lot less unreasonable that he fell asleep

Sparkletastic · 23/01/2023 07:53

You didn't pick the best time for a deep chat but he should have tried harder to stay awake and listen. Whether it is a deal breaker or not depends on his behaviour in general.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 07:55

I agree with people saying the timing wasn't great, BUT someone who cares about you and had a generally considerate nature could be reasonably expected to notice your distress and disengage gently. Even a pat on the arm, and a 'sorry love, talk to me tomorrow' would do.

So, this single incident doesn't make him a monster obviously, but it's another clue to his internal world/mindset, which you can add to whatever pile you do or don't have, that he's a fair weather friend and his needs and wants trump all.
Which is fine for a bit of fun, if you're looking to him to be a serious partner in life then maybe not so great.
The way you describe him as a bit selfish makes me wonder whether he's even any good for a bit of fun. Relationships should be balanced however serious they are really.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 07:57

forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 07:41

We were both lying on our backs, me in his arms and for some reason I got overwhelmingly sad.
I didn't choose that time.
I was probably rambling on but just sad I guess.
He said he was too warm and needed to turn over.
And that's what he did
That's the context.
Lights were out.

But what made you start the conversation at bedtime in the first place?

I'm also a bit unclear - were you mid conversation when he fell asleep, or was he dozing off having a cuddle when you started talking about it?

The former is a bit rude but fairly understandable if you're both in "bedtime mode" - but the latter says to me that you picked an inappropriate time and are upset because he didn't force himself to stay awake to comfort you.

LetItGoHome · 23/01/2023 08:09

It doesn't sound like he understood you were trying to have a heart to heart at the time. I could see how that could happen if he was just cosy and cuddling in bed.
If my husband did that to me I'd give him a sharp poke in the ribs and say something along the lines of 'oi, I'm trying to talk to you!.'

Original poster
forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 08:13

I did not
Piurposely pick that time.
It may have been aloo g the lines of ...' him dating John was in good form today wasn't he ? And then I started talking .

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 08:13

Re the 'unsolicited advice' comment, what were you expecting then? Were you looking for a conversation and response from him, or really just there to be a vent or sounding board for you, and not to have an involved conversation?

Original poster
forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 08:22

I suppose that when I need to talk and vent, he almost tells me what I should be doing to make things better despite me trying my best and talks at me

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 08:27

forwhomthebelltrolls · 23/01/2023 08:22

I suppose that when I need to talk and vent, he almost tells me what I should be doing to make things better despite me trying my best and talks at me

I think you need to explain to him that sometimes, you just want a rant and a sounding board, not a solution.

My DH sometimes comes home and moans at me about the same things everyday and tbh it can be quite frustrating.

I'm not saying you do it all the time but I think some people struggle with not giving advice and just having to listen.

MMmomDD · 23/01/2023 14:39

If you just want to vent - you need to tell him that this has what you want to do.
Personally - unless I know the person just wants to let out steam - I also try to figure out a way to make the situation better. And will also offer what you’d call ‘unsolicited’ advice.

I don’t get the point of complaining about the situation without trying to change something. And I assume if one wants to talk about their problems - they want to fix it.
People are all different - so rather than assume he is hurting you on purpose - give him a benefit of doubt and communicate more clearly.

ImpartialMongoose · 24/01/2023 07:35

MMmomDD · 23/01/2023 14:39

If you just want to vent - you need to tell him that this has what you want to do.
Personally - unless I know the person just wants to let out steam - I also try to figure out a way to make the situation better. And will also offer what you’d call ‘unsolicited’ advice.

I don’t get the point of complaining about the situation without trying to change something. And I assume if one wants to talk about their problems - they want to fix it.
People are all different - so rather than assume he is hurting you on purpose - give him a benefit of doubt and communicate more clearly.

Most people just need someone to listen to them when they are upset or confused- without judgement or advice. Unless someone specifically asks you for advice, don't give it. Offering unsolicited advice is telling them you think they are too stupid to have thought of a solution, but clever, superior you immediately comes up with "the solution". The person on the receiving end will be too kind or polite to tell you "I know that" or " don't you think I've already considered that" or just "shut the fuck up"

maddy68 · 24/01/2023 07:41

Sounds like the timing was off fir that conversation. He can't help falling asleep when exhausted.
I understand why you are upset

MMmomDD · 24/01/2023 10:19

@ImpartialMongoose

You are putting your own issues and insecurities into this. ‘Feeling stupid’? ‘superior you’? Maybe you did come across someone who used to put you down a lot….

With me - lots of my friends are having difficult times these days. And they actually find it helpful when I suggest something, or ask them questions about their feelings/the situation - beyond just agreeing with them that life is tough.

I think it’s a mistake people make when they assume that their reactions/emotional make up is what ‘most people’ are.
And that leads to exactly this situation that OP describes. Mismatched expectations, and different communication styles, leading to disappointment and annoyance.

I do believe that instead of assuming the other person can read your mind - it’s better to tell them what you need / want.