Starting to hate my partner

[Mummyrere]

I suppose this is more of a rant. Just need to get it out and feel so trapped at the moment.

Little back story, been with my partner 3 years and we have a 14 month old little boy. It’s been very difficult since our boy was born, we find it really hard to work out our relationship and who does what and everything feels like a competition.

we don’t have sex - but that’s on my partner. We’ve had a massive issue with intimacy and he’s always too stressed or just not in the mood. It’s always made me feel insecure. 6 months ago I found out he was watching and paying cam girls. It nearly broke our relationship and if I wasn’t in a vulnerable place with a 6 month old I would of left but I stayed with the agreement we went to counselling. We started counselling but it’s just fizzled out and nothing has really come from it - I feel I’ve got a lot of resentment since then.

he works long hours - he’s gone 6 in the morning until half 7 at night so he doesn’t see our son in the week. I feel like a single mum for the week. Come the weekend he always without fail is moody, stressed and tired. He’s so negative about how shit life is and the atmosphere shifts on a weekend. He lays in bed for hours and complains about everything. It makes me upset because I would of thought he would want to spend some quality time with his son since he doesn’t see him in the week. Everything is a competition with him like - if he watches him for a couple of hours if I’m doing something then that means I have to do everything else for him in the day etc etc. he doesn’t do anything around the house because he feels he works so hard in the week he doesn’t need to. It’s even a stress asking him to take the bins out he will leave it for weeks and when I keep reminding him it’s like I’m “making a dig at him” I’m struggling myself feeling like a single mum most of the time so some times I have a low day (today) and when I do it’s like he revels in it and that means he can join me being miserable and just reminds me of all the miserable things in life and constantly saying “this is shit isn’t it” “life’s so miserable isn’t it” I feel bad to say I’m staying because of money and the fact I get to spend all my time with my son. Also I’m so scared because I’m 32 that I would never have another child again and also I hate my body after pregnancy and feel like no one would fancy me ever again with stretch marks etc. sorry for the rant I’m just so miserable every time the weekend comes along and I spend time with him

Is he depressed? Could explain the low libido too.

Doesn't sound much fun for you op. Me and my dh are in the trenches with young dc at the moment. It's hard and we quite often snap and fall out. But ultimately we are a team and we both help each other in different ways. It sounds like you and your dh are living separate lives. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

@Sunshinesusan33 he is currently on anti depressants, so am I as I suffered pnd. What I’ve come to realise though is I think it’s just his personality. I should of realised sooner, he was always negative and miserable before we had a baby. It’s almost like no matter what happens he is miserable. I always tell him how lucky we are - we’re not bad financially, all healthy and have a good close family but it doesn’t matter to him. We try and talk a lot but it always ends up in a massive disagreement that lasts days and it’s so draining now that I just can’t even be bothered to say anything because it never has an ending. Just forgotten about to be bought up again another time.

You should start making plans to separate. If money is an issue, confine yourself to the planning stage for the moment

This is a miserable life for you. I think time to walk away.

First three years with a child are the most (wonderful and ) difficult time of your life. I genuinely cannot understand how people have more than one child- It is so tough.
You need to be kind to yourself and to him. Does he need to work so much- why?
He obvs doesn’t know what being a dad entails and hasn’t had a chance to bond because he works so much.
I know you shouldn’t have to do this but it may help to arrange easy going things the three of you can do on a weekend afternoon- even if it is just a walk around the park with an ice cream thrown in.
Are you breast or bottle feeding? Can anyone look after baby so you two can go for a drink, meal or cinema?

You're both working long, hard hours and sound exhausted but he really does need to stop this 'tit for tat' way of looking at things.
This is the trouble, you see - the working half of the partnership will 9/10 believe that their contribution begins and ends with going to work 'I've done my bit !' whereas the stay at home parent always ends up doing the lion's share.
Either sit down together, somewhere neutral, and talk about what each of you need for things to happen more smoothly in the home or restart the counselling.
These years are extremely tough but they don't last forever.

You need to make getting a job, as soon as possible, a priority. You're not married, yet you depend on him financially and the relationship is rocky. Hopefully if you are more "equal", you will be able to strike a healthier balance and regain a respectful relationship, and if not, you will be in a stronger position to make the right decisions for you and your son if you need to. Good luck, you are stronger than you think!

@Violetthedamagedbutterfly thanks for your reply! I do try to arrange nice easy going things for us to do a lot yet he still stresses. He says he feels stressed about work on the weekend. In the week we’ve had numerous arguments because I say to him when he gets home from work to switch off his work phone and it’s family time now, but he doesn’t and he will chat to his boss about work, message about work until really late. He doesn’t need to do that but tbh I think he likes that he is quite important in his job and he is needed. I thought about going back to work but when we looked at it we would end up being worse off with nursery fees etc as we don’t have help around in the week so works out better for me to be home.

@FetchezLaVache hi - thanks for the reply! Firstly it doesn’t matter we’re not married, we’re still a partnership. And it’s not like I’m sponging off him - it actually worked out we would be worse off money wise if I went back to work because of the cost of childcare so it’s just not feesable to do it! I’m unsure how people manage with working and paying for nursery.. that’s where I’m stuck.

You're being short sighted with the not going back to work thing to save on childcare. Childcare cost comes out of your wages BOTH. It's not just your problem to pay for childcare, it comes out of both incomes. You being in employment makes your employment record better. It's harder to find a job after ages at home. Even working part time is better than SAHM since you are not married and might separate.

Is having your son 24/7 and spending your unmarried partner's money while he is allowing you access to it worth it enough? You actually have no real financial security with him. He can pull the rug at any point.

Your PND needs treating and is a separate issue.

It's not the end of the world if you don't have a second child.

Someone will find you attractive. Most men know an average woman's naked body is not the same as a swimsuit model who hasn't had children. Men who have seen real life women will know most women have stretch marks. A bigger issue in dating might be that you have a child already than the stretch marks.

If it were me I would make plans to leave. Sort out mental health, exercise is good for this and it will also make you look better. Then I would dust off my CV and find a job, start with 2 or 3 days a week. Lean on family and friends for support, get professional help with your mental health. I would save up as much money as I can. Make plans for the weekend that don't rely on your partner being in a good mood and involved. Get in touch with friends and go and meet up with them. Get yourself out of the house everyday unless the weather is truly dire.
He is not going to be the dad or partner you want him to be, it's not his priority. Stop trying to make him change, he won't. Detach yourself from him and gain your independence. Start building a life that doesn't involve him, have your own hobbies, have your own days out with your child, have your own activities in the evening. Live as if you are a single mother.

1. Sort mental health out
2. Sort physical health and routine (getting dressed, getting out of the house)
3. Get back into employment
4. Save up money
5. Build support network
6. Leave

@Mummyrere It matters that if you break up, you're in a much weaker position than if you were married.

Also agree with pp, going back to work is in large part about making sure your cv isn't barren once your dc gets the free nursery hours. If not a job right now then retraining or anything which improves your prospects. Being financially reliant in a poor relationship is a really bad idea

Seconding all this.

Great post by @DoorTable.

From what you've described here it doesn't sound like a partnership.

The thing is legally you are not a partnership, and frankly it doesn’t sound as if you are much of one in real life either. Legally you have have no protection if you are not married, are you even on the deeds of the house?

And by the way, when your partner sees the change in you, sees how well you are doing and becoming independent he will actually become better. He will suddenly transform into this amazing dad, he will organise days out, he will seem more present but that's because he is noticing the change and realises you might leave. Make sure you fiercely guard any forward steps you have made and not slip back into the codependent dynamic. Because the change he shows you is temporary. When you are helpless without options (no jobs, no money, no strong network) he has the upper hand and he knows he doesn't need to do much to make you stay. If you believe him and slip back you might find it harder to trust yourself to try leaving again. I know this cycle too well unfortunately.

The plan I posted might take you 3 months or 18 months to actually leave but meanwhile you will be getting stronger everyday and will feel like you are in charge of your life, you are the main actor in your own life story, not some helpless supporting actor going with whatever the boss 'your partner' decides. When you take charge of your life, doing steps to get yourself out and detaching your life from him you will feel stronger even if you are physically still in the same home you will feel more optimistic about the future and that you have a plan for your life. The magic starts the moment you make that switch in your head.

@cyclamenqueen we are renting and I’m on the tenancy. I know what you’re saying. One thing about my partner is I know I could trust him to always help me/our son out financially and he would never just leave us in the shit

@DoorTable thank you for your message it’s actually really helpful and inspiring. My mum is in the process of renting a shop which I will be able to work in part time, and she will be able to help with childcare on her days off when I’m working then so I can save some money. That’s not until about April so I’m kind of waiting until then to start something. But in the meantime it’s a good idea about exercising. I did start running in the evenings but gave up when it got dark because I couldn’t go out until my partner got back which was late, so maybe I’ll start something at home. I’m just so tired all the time but I suppose that’s partly pnd and also being a mum. I do go out every day with my baby, infact we have a better time in the week and do a lot of groups/walks/soft play etc etc so will carry on with that too and just try to keep going in the evenings rather than wanting to sink into bed x

This. It is a toxic situation for your child; he is doubtless being permanently affected by the tension and strife.

You knew this guy only a year before deciding to have a child by him. Don't waste any more of your and your baby's life on such a horrible situation.

Don't focus on whether you might or might not get another kid or man if you leave. You have to prioritize THIS child.

Legions of women have thought the same and found out to their woe that they were wrong.

Don't waste your energy trying to transform this whiny, resentful, immature oaf into your dream man. Why would you spend your one and only precious life this way?

You're going to have to work & not be financially dependent.

You need to be married ,if your going to stay home and not work
to many women get stung like this .
no marriage ,then get back to work

I’m not saying marry this man thou ,
just generally I mean

@Winterpetal i was in a relationship for 10 years before this and married for 2 and he had a big gambling habit and rinsed me of all my money near the end so I’m very off the idea of marriage 😂

This.

You NEED to maintain your financial independence because it doesn't sound like this relationship will last. History is littered with women who said 'he wouldn't do that to me'. In all likelihood, yes he would.

Go back to work ASAP. You may be a bit worse off for the two years until he goes to nursery but that will more than be offset by the better money you will earn later. And it protects your and your child's future.