Starting to hate my partner

[Mummyrere]

I suppose this is more of a rant. Just need to get it out and feel so trapped at the moment.

Little back story, been with my partner 3 years and we have a 14 month old little boy. It’s been very difficult since our boy was born, we find it really hard to work out our relationship and who does what and everything feels like a competition.

we don’t have sex - but that’s on my partner. We’ve had a massive issue with intimacy and he’s always too stressed or just not in the mood. It’s always made me feel insecure. 6 months ago I found out he was watching and paying cam girls. It nearly broke our relationship and if I wasn’t in a vulnerable place with a 6 month old I would of left but I stayed with the agreement we went to counselling. We started counselling but it’s just fizzled out and nothing has really come from it - I feel I’ve got a lot of resentment since then.

he works long hours - he’s gone 6 in the morning until half 7 at night so he doesn’t see our son in the week. I feel like a single mum for the week. Come the weekend he always without fail is moody, stressed and tired. He’s so negative about how shit life is and the atmosphere shifts on a weekend. He lays in bed for hours and complains about everything. It makes me upset because I would of thought he would want to spend some quality time with his son since he doesn’t see him in the week. Everything is a competition with him like - if he watches him for a couple of hours if I’m doing something then that means I have to do everything else for him in the day etc etc. he doesn’t do anything around the house because he feels he works so hard in the week he doesn’t need to. It’s even a stress asking him to take the bins out he will leave it for weeks and when I keep reminding him it’s like I’m “making a dig at him” I’m struggling myself feeling like a single mum most of the time so some times I have a low day (today) and when I do it’s like he revels in it and that means he can join me being miserable and just reminds me of all the miserable things in life and constantly saying “this is shit isn’t it” “life’s so miserable isn’t it” I feel bad to say I’m staying because of money and the fact I get to spend all my time with my son. Also I’m so scared because I’m 32 that I would never have another child again and also I hate my body after pregnancy and feel like no one would fancy me ever again with stretch marks etc. sorry for the rant I’m just so miserable every time the weekend comes along and I spend time with him

😂 and so said thousands of women before you, many of whom knew their partners a lot longer than you’ve known yours.

‘Twas ever thus

I think some people here live in middle class bubble where their husbands have assets, houses and great pensions.
I wasn't married when I split up with my child's father and that was such a lucky escape. It made things easier and I could claim benefits straight away while my rental flat was in my name.
Also not at even one point his money was considered as his. We were a team. Marriage was on the cards long term but there was no reason to be in a hurry and looking back I'm so glad it didn't happen.

Childcare is great investment but when it leaves you worse off then staying home / working part time it's a very privileged position to afford that investment.
People should honestly stop preaching without knowing ins and outs of someone's life and stop assuming other women are stupid.

OP if the relationship is bad then planning another child is not a good idea either so that's not the reason to stay. I would look for even a little part time job to make life easier in case you split. There is support with childcare and housing costs for single parents. It's not impossible. It's good to feel like you have options.

That saying I believe you have the reasons to stay so might as well start working on your relationship? Maybe couple's counselling? It's worth a try. You both have a lot on your plate so the key is to be a team, communicate and support each other.

Good luck! 💐

Ps. Getting a Saturday job would save you on childcare and allow him to spend some quality time alone with your son.

@Lili132 thank you for that 🙂 we don’t have assets or own a home and like I had said before - me working would leave us with less money than not working so it made the most sense to both of us for me to stay at home. Not that I’m just sponging off him and can’t be bothered to work - I had worked full time up until I had my baby so I’m not scared of working. The way we see it is we would be in the same boat either way so him paying for our lives and his sons life is no different - as me looking after our son is still a job in itself. I don’t sit about we go out and do a lot of stuff together.

i have done so much research before about what I could do if we split - the reason I’m so stuck too is it doesn’t matter if I got a part time job I’m not going to be able to afford a place on my own - and getting a council house is near on impossible. I don’t want to be shifted to a hostel with my son and rip him away from his life he has…

people who are saying it’s damaging my son - it is not. We don’t argue around him, infact we don’t shout ever it’s just a lot of resentment but he doesn’t see this as he doesn’t see his dad in the week anyway due to working hours.

we have been in the process of seeing a counsellor but it has just fizzled out - it actually started as counselling over him talking to cam girls but problems have just escalated. I feel so drained now that I don’t feel like the one to try and make it happen if he’s not trying!

thanks for all replies x

@Naunet im not naive to this. I have been in a ten year relationship and was married for 2 years previously. My ex husband really done me over and I was in a lot of debt. I’ve gone into things cautiously - which is why I am not married and I don’t have assets together. But one thing I do know is that he wouldn’t let his son down financially. That is a hundred percent not him no matter what.

You're definitely not sponging and you really do not have to justify your decisions to anyone because you're doing what's best for your family with circumstances you have.

The reason I recommend Saturday job is because I know from my own experience that when we are stuck in life it can after a while become our mindset or turn into depression. Taking little steps where we can makes us feel more in control and like we have some options. Also those tiny steps can with time improve our life and open new opportunities etc.

Universal credit works better for people who work more and who pay less for childcare so it might become more doable when your son is at school. And as you said your partner would also pay his share. Its not much consolation but again it's something to hold onto when you feel like you are stuck.

If you do want to stay then that's perfectly valid option but you both deserve happiness and its worth communicating and working on relationship to make it better.

Both being SAHP and breadwinner can be hard and lonely and sometimes both partners feel resentful and like their getting worse deal. That's why working together rather then against each is very important.

Oh and I don't know how I missed the part about cam girls! Sorry to hear he's done that and no wonder you're struggling with betrayal on top.