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Original poster

Am I over reacting… work v’s relationship

26 replies

123Lu · 22/01/2023 21:14

DH works overseas. I am at home with 10 & 8 Yr old sons alone. We see DH during school holidays, he is in the Middle East and started an new job last September.
We are due to visit in Feb half term, will only be there for 6days, so a short time for the kids to see their dad. His work takes over him and it is demanding, I asked if he could try to be present and put the kids/u first over work when we visit because we are there for such a short period of time.

it’s also my birthday during the visits and I wanted us all to spend the day together on my b’day. DH told me that’s other husbands don’t take time off work for their partners b’days. And that we should do something the next day, when it is a weekend so that he doesn’t have to take a days holiday. We will be flying out the next day he is suggesting.

I was told that I was being a princess wanting/expecting him to take the day off, he would have to find someone to cover the work that day and if is was such a “big deal” to me he would.

I already feel second best to his work and this has just re enforced that and made me feel more unloved, in respected, unappreciated and second best. However I’m now questioning myself because he’s told that I’m over reacting, I’m being argumentative and basically I’m being unnecessarily demanding.
we are only seeing each other for 6 days out of potentially 3 months. Am I wrong??? Help!?

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 22/01/2023 21:18

Is he taking any time off while you are there ?

Lockedinforwinter · 22/01/2023 21:20

It hardly seems worth you going out there if he won't take any time off work to spend with you. It does unfortunately sound like his work is more important to him than spending time with you and the DC.

WandaWonder · 22/01/2023 21:23

No we don't time off for each other's birthday

Original poster

123Lu · 22/01/2023 21:52

No he isn’t taking any days off, he will try to work from home and make sure he is back at his house by 5.

OP posts:

NeedAHoliday2021 · 22/01/2023 22:03

How much leave does he get a year?

It’s not a relationship I’d be happy with but we’re all different.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/01/2023 22:12

He's being totally unreasonable not to take any time off when you go to visit him. It's actually really sad that he doesn't want to. You're not being a princess at all! I'd be tempted not to go and visit him at all if he can't be bothered.

FluffyFlower · 22/01/2023 22:17

Are you happy with this arrangement in general? Was there no way for you and kids to join him when he took this new job? At the very least I would expect him to take time off when you visit and also make an effort to visit you occasionally! I know several couples where partners jumped on a several hours' flight every weekend to visit their partner, or if it was really long distance (longer than yours) then visit once a month or so and spend considerable time together to make it really work ...

KangarooKenny · 23/01/2023 07:07

I don’t really see the point in going all that way then, in fact I’d be rethinking the relationship.

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 09:18

Who do you think gets to decide what's 'right' and 'wrong' in relationships? Why is the opinion of some people on a forum important to you? What relevance do we have to how you structure your life and how you feel? If we tell you you're over-reacting, will you decide to simply continue being more unloved, in respected, unappreciated and second best? How do you think that will turn out for you?

Swimmingpoolsally · 23/01/2023 09:22

What does he use his holiday for. Is it to come back to see you?

senua · 23/01/2023 09:28

123Lu · 22/01/2023 21:52

No he isn’t taking any days off, he will try to work from home and make sure he is back at his house by 5.

Why are you going out there? Do the boys really want to spend their half term hanging around, waiting for dad to turn up? This set-up isn't working for you but what is it doing to them?

I'd be tempted not to go. Let DH feel the full force of his decision to opt out of family life. It might make him re-think ... because you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

MintChocCornetto · 23/01/2023 09:36

Agree with PPs

He's hardly making you feel your and your boys company is wanted is he. What does he use his leave for, if a visit from his wife isn't important enough to use it?

You're gonna have a shit week trying to entertain your boys with no input from his dad who may or may not be home from work on time. It will demonstrate very nicely to them that they are not a priority

To be honest OP I would stay home. What's the point of spending all that money on flights if you're not really spending time together as a family?

And the birthday crap is the icing on the cake really isn't it. Tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Original poster

123Lu · 23/01/2023 09:40

he is meant to come home once a month, but so far a has been too busy with work to be able to do that (Which I understand) his holiday would be used for us to be together.
(we could join him in Saudi next year after the move is more settled) it’s a big move for the kids.

i guess, I’m just checking my emotions - he tells me that my PMT (think I’m also perimenopausal) is irrational and that I’m argumentative.
i guess I’m just looking for validation that my emotional response it balanced, and the rejection is irrational.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2023 10:04

You have every right to feel as you do. Its not you as such, its him.

Why and you and he still together at all?. He's made a new life for himself out there and seems to neither wants you or his children in it. He's not bothered now about seeing any of you and has not taken any leave to see you people.

You have been more than understanding about him and he's thrown this all back at you. You have more than enough on your plate and he is not going to give you the emotional and physical support you need. I would cancel your visit in Feb and or change the destination if you are able to do this.

Would not uproot yourselves going forward to live in Saudi under any circumstances. You'll be all far better off in the UK in many ways and you will still come a dim and distant second to his work.

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2023 10:06

Is he not allowed to take holiday or does he just not want to? He doesn’t sound like he even cares you’re going to see him

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:10

he is meant to come home once a month, but so far a has been too busy with work to be able to do that (Which I understand)
Too busy, given his reluctance to spend any time with you & his boys, sounds a lot like "can't be arsed". Sorry to dump that cynicism on you OP but ... your H is being totally unreasonable, AND he's demonising you for the awful sin of wanting him to actually be around for 6 short days.

his holiday would be used for us to be together.
Except it won't be, because he is refusing to book leave.

(we could join him in Saudi next year after the move is more settled) it’s a big move for the kids.
Why would you want to do that? Unsettle the boys, (& yourself!) for a dad who doesn't want to be in their lives? Why uproot all 3 of you, for this selfish man?

i guess, I’m just checking my emotions - he tells me that my PMT (think I’m also perimenopausal) is irrational and that I’m argumentative.
The nasty misogynist can fuck off.
he is DARVO'ing you, to make you feel like your reaction to his callous disregard is abnormal. It is not. He should be wxcited about seeing you & the boys. He is not. So he blames you for wanting what any wife & mother would want - time together as a family.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

i guess I’m just looking for validation that my emotional response it balanced, and the rejection is irrational.
Here is a huge pile of validation my dear. Nothing you are feeling is wrong, or "too sensitive", or "demanding" or "princessy".

I’ve also need diagnosed that I carry the BRCA (breast cancer gene) and starting the process of hysterectomy and double mastectomy, so I am emotionally needy at the moment. I think this is playing a big part.
Oh my dear.
Do you even want to put yourself through a long flight with 2 children right now, just for 6 days with a cold bastard?

How is he when he is back home in the UK with you?

Whataretheodds · 23/01/2023 10:19

123Lu · 23/01/2023 09:40

Jeez. Please do not label yourself as 'emotionally needy' because you are looking for some emotional support during major life-changing surgery.

Your husband is being totally unreasonable. He was meant to come home once a month. He hasnt. He's not taking any leave while you visit. Why would it be any different if you moved to Saudi?

What is he using his annual leave for? How much does he get?

I think you need a frank conversation with him. Is he being put under pressure at work not to take leave? Is it not what he'd expected?

KILM · 23/01/2023 10:19

Oh I'm so sad for you and your boys. How can he not be desperate to see his kids after being away from them so long??

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 10:23

i guess I’m just looking for validation that my emotional response it balanced, and the rejection is irrational

Your emotional response is a valid representation of who you are and where you're at, 100% of the time. Know that, if nothing else. There is no authority and there are no rules. If someone tells you that you're being too x or too y, what they're saying is that you're being too x for their preference, or too y for their liking. They don't have access to some rulebook that tells us all how x or y we're allowed to be. You feel what you feel, and you respect that. Anybody else in your life also needs to respect that, and that's how you choose who to be around. Only the ones who respect you as you are. Nobody who loved and respected you irrational, argumentative, princess etc. They'd want to help you feel better, not criticise you and make you feel like the problem.

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 10:25

so I am emotionally needy at the moment

'So I have more emotional needs than I usually do at the moment'

Take the criticism out. Anybody who cares about you won't judge your emotional needs as being 'needy'. Do you care about you? Because currently, you are doing exactly that.

Bestcatmum · 23/01/2023 10:31

I can't take time off for birthdays I work in the NHS and culturally it isn't acceptable unless I gave them a huge amount of notice so we do it on the nearest available weekend.
Could be the work culture there is very different and this is what is expected.
My sister worked in Dubai and work came first. Like it or lump it really.
They lumped it because they needed the money for their retirement.
Why aren't you out there living with him? It isn't a relationship if you aren't living together for so long. Do you honestly think the marriage will survive this kind of separation? I know lots of people who live in the middle east with their families. It can be a positive experience.

senua · 23/01/2023 10:33

What is his proposed plan for when you have your surgery? Will he be around then and for the recovery period?

KangarooKenny · 23/01/2023 10:33

If your marriage isn’t rock solid I wouldn’t be moving to Saudi.

senua · 23/01/2023 10:37

I wouldn't move to Saudi full stop.

Sunnysideup999 · 23/01/2023 10:42

You live separate lives and he won’t take one day off to see you and kids on your birthday when you are travelling all that way to see him?
and he’s telling you that your irrational and emotional?
he sounds mean and inconsiderate. Work won’t collapse without him for one day! Of course it won’t.
are you getting anything out of this relationship?

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