I’m leaving DP

[Warrensrabbit]

Name changed for this.

I posted a lot at the end of last year as I was trying to make the last decision to leave DP. He’s a shit, and lots of the comments on here made me see how unacceptable things truly are.
I finally made the decision that things can’t go on. The house is on the market and I got some excellent legal advice from a lovely solicitor who really took time to understand the situation.
I feel like a weight has been lifted and so much more in control. Before we hadn’t had any intimacy in 5 years, I was paying for everything and doing everything around the house. He was feeling more like a lazy housemate than partner.
To those who took the time to advise and make me see that I shouldn’t have to continue in this relationship thank you. I’m not out, but the end is in sight.

❤️🎉
well done!

Well done you, time for a fresh start and get rid of his lazy ass

Well done, it takes courage to split up. You will never look back,

That's amazing. I am feel in such awe of people who are able to do that.
I have recently told dh that we should permanently separate room wise in the home and he seems to understand that things are on the way out, but it's hard as we get along so well.
We have had sex twice in the last 4 years and even before that I just wasn't turned on by him (probably stems from his initial mistakes where he implied I had little importance and was followed by his infidelity)
I dream of the day when it can feel officially done, but finances and kids just won't enable us to fully separate right now.
I was hoping to talk about our long term plans this weekend (but obvs the dog then decided to have a medical episode so I spent the eve at the emergency vet instead)
Just really inspired by your strength as it's bloody hard to even cross that line.

Thank you everyone. It’s pretty lonely at the moment only my mum and solicitor know. My solicitor has advised to get the house sale underway before I have the talk with my partner. So the house is on the market, but we haven’t had any interest yet, so I am waiting to have the it’s finally over conversation.

Its funny for me I already feel like I’ve moved on, and it just feels like I’ve got a very expensive and lazy housemate.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but I am worried it will get back to him, we have a lot of mutual friends and I’m scared one will tell a partner and so on.

Im also scared about which friends I will lose when this all comes off. I know I’m going to end up looking like the bad guy…leaving him, he won’t be able to afford somewhere nice to live close to his work etc. I don’t want to end up telling people what’s gone on behind closed doors, but am afraid if I don’t I’m going to lose everyone.

This isn’t a wobble by any means, I just wish I didn’t feel quite so lonely

@Freeflight it is so so tough 💐 but it really is never your fault (maybe more incompatible- but don’t blame yourself for his issues) I spent years thinking it was mine and it’s wasted so much time.

the difference for me was speaking with a solicitor, I got a few free hours and he helped me see that yes it was possible and the steps I would need to do to actually get out. Granted for me I am the main earner and he is costing me money, but a chat without obligation with a professional can help you understand what the outlook if you leave is actually like

I hid my stbxh shitty behavior for years. Once we split I made no bones about telling people why. Why should you protect him to your detriment? He's not protected you, he's run you into the ground!

My friend takes all sorts of shit from her boys for leaving their useless dad, would I fuck.

Well done.

If you don’t want to slag him off, you can just say things like, “You can never know what goes on behind closed doors, or the Enron you know, is not the person I know” etc.

Theres always a line between telling your friends what he’s really like, and coming off sounding a bitter and twisted.

person, not Enron fffs

I don’t think it’s about slagging off, but he’s going to go from living in a quite smart large home, to possibly a flat share, where we are he won’t be able to afford more than a studio flat.
most of our friends I think are going to be upset on his behalf that my lifestyle isn’t going to take a hit, but his will change dramatically. I guess I want people to understand that I have been unhappy for a long time, but have also tried to have conversations with him many times saying that things need to change and they never do.

i don’t want it to as you say become bitter, I just want some (a few friends) to understand what I’ve been through and not lose them as well

Just think about you and your happiness fuck what other people might say/ think they didn't have to live with this man they have their own lives

Well if they see him not being able to afford anywhere nice to live, they might understand how much he was sponging off you while you were together.

@SeaToSki i hope so. As in I don’t want him to struggle, but I do want people to realise that when he goes to the pub and splashes the cash on buying rounds for people it is because I pay for near everything ‘we’ have. He has next to no living expenses, is popular in our group- but is popular in part because he is generous, but is generous with my money!!! And never to me.

sorry everyone, just feeling lonely today

Good for you ! You’re obviously a strong woman, taking control of your.

Sending you a huge handhold, @Warrensrabbit. You're going through the hard bit - but it will be very worth it to get your life back from this user.

Yes you may initially have people outside your relationship blaming you but they will see his true nature after a while and their view will very likely change also. If not, that's still not your problem. Your "D"P is an adult who should have learned to properly be a partner to you and will have to stand on his own two feet. Good luck for a calmer future. 🌹

@Warrensrabbit hows it going op? Hope things are moving along the way you want them to, and that you’re not feeling so lonely. It’s very hard living like that when you just want it all done and finished! 💐

Well done on getting rid of the lazy sponger.

Well done OP! Hope it's still going ok

It’s a bit hellish actually. The place still hasn’t sold, so we are still living together with no end in sight. We have had the conversation where I told him things were over and things got very nasty. He told me he wasn’t going to go and just live an a suburban property somewhere and he doesn’t want to end up in a boxy new build and he “loves our life”, he also told me that my shit didn’t not stink either and that I wouldn’t find someone else who would put up with me. I don’t want someone else- I just want out of this!
he has said he doesn’t want us to tell anyone until the place is sold and it’s actually over. The place is now a tip as he goes round making stuff purposely messy to put off any buyers.
genuinely I am so miserable and frustrated. I feel like I am paying for my own prison. The estate agent keeps telling me that the market will pick up and all the normal bullshit- but nothing is happening.

Hi OP. There's a good thread on here at the moment which you'll find helpful. I'm just going to find and link it for you.

Plucking up the courage to leave. - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave

@Warrensrabbit sorry it’s all being so awful for you. Do you want to keep the split a secret from everyone? I think it might be as well to let at least a few trusted friends know, it a huge burden to carry alone ( though I know your mum and solicitor know). The marriage is over so now you must do what’s best for YOU, he has shown he’ll try and make things difficult for you. What does your solicitor say about his antics?

Thanks all. @TheShellBeach that post is helpful thank you.

@goody2shooz my solicitor didn’t think I should’ve said anything until we had an offer on the place, I feel like it’s a bit of a “well you knew what he was going to do” situation. We can’t do anything about the mess, if he does something overt to sabotage a sale we can get a court order, but that will take time.

apparently I can choose to move out but where I own 80% of the house and pay nearly all the mortgage I doubt I’d then ever get him to leave or keep it saleable. I could just see him hanging around during viewings causing trouble or telling lies. Unfortunately whilst I thought I was financially independent property values have increased here to the point that I would need to give him 140k to buy him out. I have 60k in the bank and could extend the mortgage by 50k but that still leaves me short.

I thought I’d been so clever and independent protecting my assets with a deed of trust, having savings to buy out his share, but the property market has far outpaced me. I know it’s a first world problem and I am luckier than most but I feel so so trapped.

How are things now, @Warrensrabbit ?

Viewing your post with interest Warrens rabbit as I am about to make similar life changing plans. Please update this post. My situation is made more complex because I have an ASD son who is very anxious.