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Original poster

Split Up Obession

44 replies

Razor123 · 22/01/2023 08:55

Hi all, need some advice as I am really struggling...
Since my partner broke up with me over Christmas due to them wanting to be on their own, I cannot help but want to continually message/call/ see them and I'm worried about becoming obsessive. We met up in person just after new year where I was told from nowhere that they are not after a relationship anymore (after 6 months) and they want to be on their own. We have been communicating regularly since, as I'm trying to find a way forward, for example me stepping back a bit, but our messaging has become pretty intense, lengthy and detailed. They do respond but is getting frustrated. I cannot help it though and have such urges, as it feels like an addiction, but worry I am driving them away...
It is really doing my head in and I need advice on how to handle this. I love them dearly and am lost.

OP posts:
Mirroredlove · 22/01/2023 09:01

Addiction sounds like the right word, it’s just so difficult isn’t it, you know this guy is messing with you, you know his treating you like shit and doesn’t care about you, yet you continue to want contact. Can you understand why? I went though this recently, I have good self worth and a strong independent woman who knows her own mind but even I found I had this problem of a need for communication even though the guy was a total dick.

After going through it for months he eventually ghosted me so was no point in contacting him, once the cycle was broken I look back and think what the hell was I doing, it should have been me who told him to get lost!! But I didn’t because like you, at the time, it did feel like a weird addiction.

My advice is to push through and get on with your life, I know that’s bloody hard, but it’s not going to end well for you otherwise.

LittleLillie · 22/01/2023 09:07

Imagine him being irritated every time he’s phone pings and he sees that it’s you. Why would you do that to yourself?

Harassing him will not make him change his mind, if anything it will make him think he’s had a lucky escape. Chasing someone is unattractive and desperate, I know it’s hard I’ve been there, but pick your self esteem up off the floor and delete his number.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2023 09:08

You can help it. You can choose to block them and focus on moving on with your life. Your behaviour is verging on harassment if it’s not already there.

nc1013 · 22/01/2023 09:26

I understand it's hard but id block him, delete his number (and your messages/call log) then you can't be tempted.

There's no need for you to have his details anymore

Helen901 · 22/01/2023 09:28

Block him, remove from social media, delete his number and move on. Put yourself out of this misery op x

AfricanAmericanFriday · 22/01/2023 09:30

Were you this intense during the relationship? If yes, maybe this was the reason he broke up with you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2023 09:31

People are assuming OP is a woman and the ex is a man. It’s irrelevant to now unhealthy their behaviour is but still.

Flowertop123 · 22/01/2023 09:32

AfricanAmericanFriday · 22/01/2023 09:30

Were you this intense during the relationship? If yes, maybe this was the reason he broke up with you?

No not during it, but everything moved very fast, as of our own choice just to add.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 22/01/2023 09:33

I can't remember the name of the guy but he has done a ted talk on how to fall out of love.

One of the things is to write a list of everything you don't like about your Ex. Go to town, write down everything. Keep it on the notes on your phone.

Every time you feel compelled to call or message take out the list and read it. Then switch off your phone until the feeling passes.

Good luck.

Outtasteamandluck · 22/01/2023 09:34

Start by deleting his number and focusing on literally anything else that keeps you distracted.
Book to see a counsellor who can help you process your feelings. It might be more deep rooted than you think.

Over40Overdating · 22/01/2023 09:38

This is the horrible, hard bit I’m afraid. Self love.
You have to be very real with yourself - they have told you they want to be alone.

That they don’t want to be with you.

So why should they have access to you?

Why would you waste a second more of your time on them?

Nothing you can say will change their mind - and why would you want to be with someone you have to convince your worth to?

If they are engaging in intense texts and getting frustrated it’s because you aren’t making them feel better about hurting you.

Next time you get the urge, type the message into notes and delete. Play a mindless game. Make a cup of tea.

You are worth more than clinging on to someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2023 09:38

Just read your other thread. You really need to let it go. I know it hurts, break ups suck, but he’s been clear he doesn’t want to be with you now and whatever the reason he means it and you can’t start to heal until you accept it. Make a proper break for your own sake or you’ll waste your life.

Annabananna1 · 22/01/2023 09:44

Rejection is a really bitter pill to swallow.

You want to understand. You want to change his mind somehow. But this isn't the way to achieve either of those things.

The only hope you have of recovering is to drastically reduce contact. That's how you move forward.

Laurdo · 22/01/2023 09:51

He has every right to end the relationship if he wants to. What's not fair is him continuing to reply to your texts. If he doesn't want to be with you he needs to stop entertaining your constant need for attention from him.

But you can't control what he does. Do what others have suggested and delete and block him. If you still can't trust yourself maybe ask him to block you.

Make sure you have plenty of support around you and keep yourself busy. Decorate your bedroom, hit the gym or whatever your hobbies are. I like the idea of writing down all the negative things about him.

I'm sorry you're hurting but this will pass. You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them.

category12 · 22/01/2023 09:57

You're well on the way to actually harassing your ex.

Stop messaging them.

When you feel the urge to contact them, write it all down in a journal instead.

Leave them alone.

Dery · 22/01/2023 10:01

“Imagine him being irritated every time he’s phone pings and he sees that it’s you. Why would you do that to yourself?

Harassing him will not make him change his mind, if anything it will make him think he’s had a lucky escape. Chasing someone is unattractive and desperate, I know it’s hard I’ve been there, but pick your self esteem up off the floor and delete his number.”

This. And as PP said, you need to practise distraction. Whenever you feel an urge to contact this person, do something else. Don’t contact this person any more. It just keeps re-opening the wound and stops you moving on. It’s really tough now but time really is your friend. Turn your face forward and let it heal you.

Puffin87 · 22/01/2023 10:56

I don't know your situation, but I found it hard since mine was on-off. I'd never get more than 2 - 3 weeks without him messaging. It made it feel like it was pointless trying to get over it.

Blanca87 · 22/01/2023 11:10

You say we’ve been communicating regularly but then say they don’t respond? That’s a bit of a paradox statement. You sound like you are stalking them. You need to stop NOW.

tasht333 · 22/01/2023 11:16

It's hard when a relationship ends, particularly when it wasn't your decision. I've experienced obsessive thinking after that and the need to continue contact/find the reasons why/change their mind.

Many years later I can clearly see that it was all pointless. If someone had wants to be with you, they will. Anything else we try and tell ourselves about why that might not be the case is quite simply a lie to help us deal with the fear we were not 'good enough' for them. What I can say though is often it is little to do with you and a lot to do with them and where they are in life.

Delete and block is often the only way. Good luck!

Original poster
Razor123 · 22/01/2023 11:21

Over Christmas there was no responding or barely any. Since then after I had raised it, it has got better, whereby even though he wants to step back from me, our message exchanges are polite, civil and respectful. And no indication of coming across as being harassing.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 22/01/2023 11:39

Razor123 · 22/01/2023 11:21

Over Christmas there was no responding or barely any. Since then after I had raised it, it has got better, whereby even though he wants to step back from me, our message exchanges are polite, civil and respectful. And no indication of coming across as being harassing.

Him starting to respond isn't things getting better. He was right to not respond to you after he called it off. Now it sounds like you've harassed him into being civil and responding. You're just torturing yourself here and making a pest of yourself.

category12 · 22/01/2023 11:58

Razor123 · 22/01/2023 11:21

Over Christmas there was no responding or barely any. Since then after I had raised it, it has got better, whereby even though he wants to step back from me, our message exchanges are polite, civil and respectful. And no indication of coming across as being harassing.

Why are you so determined to keep up contact anyway? You've broken up, they want to be on their own. You don't "step back a bit" when someone breaks up with you, you let them go.

Your "way forward" is to accept it's over and move on with your life without them. You do this by giving yourself space and time to grieve the end of it, not by keeping up contact and complaining to them when they're not responsive.

Puffin87 · 22/01/2023 13:12

category12 · 22/01/2023 11:58

Why are you so determined to keep up contact anyway? You've broken up, they want to be on their own. You don't "step back a bit" when someone breaks up with you, you let them go.

Your "way forward" is to accept it's over and move on with your life without them. You do this by giving yourself space and time to grieve the end of it, not by keeping up contact and complaining to them when they're not responsive.

Show quote history

I disagree with this. I've stayed friends with two exes. The goal is to become neutral. I don't understand this 'block and write off' attitude. It's possible to still care about a person after.

supercali77 · 22/01/2023 13:23

@Puffin87 Totally different to OPs situation where they're contacting the ex because they can't let go of the relationship ending. That's not friendship.

Original poster
Razor123 · 22/01/2023 13:24

category12 · 22/01/2023 11:58

Why are you so determined to keep up contact anyway? You've broken up, they want to be on their own. You don't "step back a bit" when someone breaks up with you, you let them go.

Your "way forward" is to accept it's over and move on with your life without them. You do this by giving yourself space and time to grieve the end of it, not by keeping up contact and complaining to them when they're not responsive.

Show quote history

Because we both love each other and still recognise so...

OP posts: