Difficult day with mother

[Motheranddaughter]

Went to say mum on Friday night as I do every week
Soon as I got in the door she had a right go at me for smoking in my teens
I am 55.
I had a really shit week at work
I said I was leaving, I was calm and simply left
She came out after me and was upset and said she would kill herself if I didn’t come back in
So I did
For the next 3 hours she alternated between talking normally and having another go
I just sat there,it was literally like I couldn’t move
I left at my usual time and cried all the way home
She is not the easiest person in the world but this was something else
I don’t know what to do
Haven’t even told my DH as we were out with friends yesterday and I didn’t want to spoil the day
Could she be ill

Ah op
I have a mother who is unwell and has threatened to take her life before

it’s so hard

i have put up major boundaries eg
if she starts picking faults (she can get nasty) I quietly stay away but check in via what’s app. She soon gets the message. My other siblings have moved abroad but ring everyday and yet tell me I’m only out for myself and selfish. I literally can’t take it.

no advice as I know the guilt and need to be close when you really don’t want to be close

Thanks very much
I know she is old and fed up
I would never go NC
I try my best by her
Mostly I let it go over my head
But yesterday she really got to me

I’m not in the UK, but here, threatening to harm herself is something to report to emergency. If she’s in need of help, you’re not the professional to provide it.

Believe me she didn’t mean it

She's not old - she's 55. Most people her age are still working, why do you feel you have to visit weekly?

OP is 55 so that puts her mum in her 70s or eighties.

Then why did you go back in?

No I am 55
So it’s ridiculous of her to have a go at me for something I did in my teens
I see her at least 3 x a week
Not sure if I should go today

Hi Op

She sounds like has obviously personality disorders, like Histronic/Narastistic personality disorders,

You Need to put in really strong boundaries from now on going forwards with her,
Such as going Low or No contact,
With Low contact what that looks like in reality,
Excellent one is that you reply often/only on whats App..

Also which I amagine it has had adverse detrimental effect on you emotionally dealing with this kind of thing day day out years on end,

Seek effective therapy or Therapies that will be beneficial to you in some ways or all ,

There's a lot more to Therapies than just counselling one too.

Take care
Best of luck

Honestly I don’t really know

I really feel for you OP. I gave a difficult M too. I think that you did the right thing by turning around initially. It's awful that she threatened suicide to get your attention.

No advice really just wanted to offer some sympathy

Don’t go today. Her happiness is not your responsibility, it’s really not. Have a nice day to yourself.

If her behaviour was different to her normal behaviour, maybe she is ill , possibly dementia? Some people with dementia can get a bit nasty and spiteful. Or a urine infection which can have symptoms similar to dementia.

To be honest her behaviour was not out of character
A bit more extreme but she has done this countless times over the years

I was going to suggest either early stage dementia or a UTI.
I'd visit again and perhaps start logging behaviour during visits and phone calls.

If this behaviour is unusual or has started in recent months then Dr check up would be next step.

My mum has Alzheimer's and, although she has never really been the type to have a go at me, at the beginning of showing signs, she did dwell on the past a lot. She would just suddenly insert stuff about my childhood into the conversation - but in a very defensive way. She would constantly assert that she had never hit me as a child (she did, but it was common back then). She even sent me a few letters to this effect! She never had these conversations with my brother though, just me, the daughter at the coal face who was doing everything for her.

If she does that again I would leave and call the police and let them know that she has threatened suicide and request a welfare check. Maybe she will stop that behaviour.

No I am 55. So it’s ridiculous of her to have a go at me for something I did in my teens. I see her at least 3 x a week. Not sure if I should go today.

I wouldn't. I'm the sane age as you and I see my M once a week and I've never set a fixed time or date so that I can move it around.

Have a day to yourself today. Have you got a DF who you could meet for coffee?

Have break today op

do something nice for yourself but call her and let her know

@Motheranddaughter
Have you got real life support? Is she ok health wise?
You can be supportive of her, but don’t hand over your soul. Keep it all breezy and fluffy, and don’t see her if you are feeling wobbly.
You matter. How you feel matters. Her feelings are not and never have been, more important than yours.

She's always been like this towards you so this is not new behaviour from her by any means.

Would you tolerate a friend doing this, likely not so do not tolerate this from your mother. Drop the rope she holds out to you here. Look at your boundaries here re your mother; they need to be raised urgently but that is probably very hard for you to do because she has encouraged you not to have any when it comes to her. In your mother's head she comes first and you are there to serve her.

What keeps you in contact with her; is it really your own fear, obligation and guilt?. Never forget either you are not responsible for her actions. Her threat to kill herself was used basically to keep you with her and it worked.

Its not your fault she is the ways she is (emotionally healthy people do not act as she did to you) and you did not make her that way either. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could help you as could finding a therapist to work with.

So she's abusive. Abusive people don't miraculously change as they get older.

You need to have firm boundaries in place to protect yourself. Have you had counselling to deal with how your mum has treated you?

Does she have care needs? I'd look at getting carers in instead of you. Why do you see her so often?

You might like to look at the stately homes thread on here too. 💐

I would book her a check up with the GP, and send an email beforehand to let them know your concerns. This could be cognitive decline, and it's best to dismiss/confirm this before you decide how to react to it.

I have a low contact relationship with my Mum as my sister is the goldenchild (currently causing absolute havoc with my Dad's last days) and I'm the good old scapegoat. LC allows a basic relationship with no deep layers of angst to accompany it. Self preservation is top of the list when it comes to relationships with difficult family members.

Maybe time for a little tough love and tell her this is unacceptable and if it continues you will cut time your visits. You also have a life and you also deserve not to be treated badly.

Do you have siblings?

Do not visit her today.

You are not her personal emotional punchbag for all her inherent ills. Do something nice for yourself instead.