Difficult day with mother

[Motheranddaughter]

Went to say mum on Friday night as I do every week
Soon as I got in the door she had a right go at me for smoking in my teens
I am 55.
I had a really shit week at work
I said I was leaving, I was calm and simply left
She came out after me and was upset and said she would kill herself if I didn’t come back in
So I did
For the next 3 hours she alternated between talking normally and having another go
I just sat there,it was literally like I couldn’t move
I left at my usual time and cried all the way home
She is not the easiest person in the world but this was something else
I don’t know what to do
Haven’t even told my DH as we were out with friends yesterday and I didn’t want to spoil the day
Could she be ill

Thanks everyone
I do have support
I don’t really want to tell my friends about this,not really sure why
My DH is great,but will probably suggest seeing her less etc
I might look at therapy
Most of the time I just let it wash over me,but sometimes I can’t
She kept going on about how would I feel if myDDs (teens)did things I didn’t approve of and I was just thinking that would be their choice as I am not a control freak

I'd send her a text and ask for an apology.
For
Having a go about things when you were 15
Threatening to kill yourself
Etc

Tell her if she behaves like that again you will leave (and mean it!) as it's too upsetting.

I have hardly slept so I think I’ll say I am not feeling well (which is true) and that I can’t go today

My DH is great,but will probably suggest seeing her less etc

Your DH might have a point. Who would seeing her less be a problem for?

It doesn't sound like it would be a problem for your MH, your DH or your DDs.

@Motheranddaughter
Therapy is a great idea. Your dh is right though, limit the time you see her. It’s okay for you to do that. It’s ok for you to do what you want. Practice in little ways.

Please get support, tell your DH today what happened and do seriously consider finding a BACP registered therapist to work with. Do not continue to try and fail to let all her rubbish wash over you. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could also be helpful.

Friends can sometimes be overinvested and or unhelpful. Some people cannot even begin to comprehend abusive behaviour from disordered of thinking parents at all ( and this is also because their parents are emotionally healthy) saying things like, "well you only get one mum" etc. And you really do not need to hear all that.

Is your dad present in your life?.

The best thing with someone as disordered as your mother is to drop the rope entirely, get therapy, live well and do the complete opposite with your children to what she has done to you. Grieving for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got is also part of that process.

Such types like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would think your mother last night slept like a log unlike your good self.

She’s really done a number on you.

Dad is dead
All my close friends mothers are dead which makes it difficult as I feel bad moaning about her

Am sorry to read about your late father.

Your mother behaves abusively towards you and in turn you are mired in fear, obligation and guilt re her. She installed those particular buttons in you and she knows all too well how to get at you.

Do you think your mother is feeling any remorse this morning for how you were treated by her; not a bit of it. No, she wants you around there so she can give you yet more verbal along with emotional manipulation in the form of suicide threats to keep you in line. She does this also because she has learnt this works for her.

What if anything do you know about her childhood, that often gives clues. Its hard being the last one left who bothers with her but you've had the Special Training from her to put her needs first with your own dead last. That takes therapy to undo.

Such types like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions

I agree. Don't ask for an apology, she'll just work everything around to being your fault, again.

So you feel bad about ‘moaning’, but it’s ok for her to upset you and blackmail you?
It’s not your fault or responsibility that her friends have died. It’s nothing to do with you.

You aren’t moaning. You are trying to work through your feelings about her, that’s a good thing to do.
She is not a victim here deserving of your pity.
Look after yourself.