Critical MIL

[LostCountAnotherName]

My MIL is a super Grandmother. Dotes on her grandchildren. They don’t see her a lot but she’s around for them at birthdays. Will help with the odd pick up when we’re stuck maybe once a month or so. We don’t use GPs for babysitting. We last saw them properly at Xmas.

However, my MIL is super complimentary to us (when others are not around) and let’s say to my family if they are at an event praising our kids, praising our parenting.

But when we are around DHs family she shames me publically. Last week there was a DH family event. I was leaving early as I had another event (booked before DH family event). MIL just started saying @LostCount you don’t go to your event and say something silly, don’t you say something wrong. I was going to meet a bunch of school mums for drinks. Some I know some not so well. Then I was like what do you mean? She was then like oh you know don’t say silly stuff.

So kindly my BIL is like Mum what you going on about? Then MIL goes on saying ‘will you know anyone?’ and I said yes. Then she was like yes of course you will @lost cos you know everyone don’t you. Then I was like well yes it’s my kids school so I do know some people but not some.

then she said to BIL oh it’s ok @lost knows what I’m like. She knows me well enough. The thing is I am sociable I get on well with people. Unless MiL has had feedback from somewhere that I’ve said something off (which I can’t for the life of me think what). She’s done it a few times before tried to embarrass me in front of people. Like make a joke of me.

I know it’s about her, I think? I went out anyway and then I was paranoid all night came home early. It spoilt my night a bit, knocked my confidence. I mentioned to DH and he was like she’s getting old, he was like I don’t know why she says stuff like that.

Anyway when I walked out of DH family event I said look I’m in my 40s I know how to talk, what to say. I don’t care what you say and everyone had a giggle and I left!

how do I stop MIL shaming me like this!

It’s not you, it’s your mother in law. She has more issues as Vogue.

She is not in anyway a super grandmother either if she treats you like this at family events. Do not put up with this and call her out on this every single time. Going forward too I would reduce all contact with her going forward to zero sum.

Why did your BIL rather than your DH say something to his mother?. Was DH not around at the time?. She saying to your BIL that you know what she is like is both a cop out and a poor excuse . It’s for you and likely you alone her verbal bile is aimed at. Think as well your DH knows all too well what she is like but does not want to rock the boat/has fear, obligation and guilt re his mother in spades.

it was noisy and I think DH has kind of got used to it maybe? But it’s affected me all day. I know if I say something to her then she’ll be upset and devastated she’s upset me. It’s a bit like I’m a sponge and can take crap from people.

BIL is more empathic than DH. Think he sees stuff DH doesn’t.

You would like to think that she would be upset and or devastated but there’s no evidence here to state that is the case. This is repeated deliberate behaviour from her designed to put you down. Your DH may not notice either because it’s his normal to him and he’s also grown up with her. He likely does not want to rock the boat and perhaps still seeks her approval too.

I think you're being oversensitive.

Yes he still seeks approval for definite. Although he’s good at distancing himself at times. She’s a sensitive person so I know she must know what she’s doing. I just don’t want to be her ‘punch’ bag.

At @Dacadactyl this is one example. I guess it’s one of many. Always in front of DH family. It’s just putting me down in front of people is a habit of hers. I usually laugh it off but it’s happening at a lot of DH family events.

Id just say to her privately "have I done something that makes you think I might say something daft in company?" See what she says.

If my MIL said something like this to me it'd be like water off a ducks back because I know I'm OK at general chit chat and don't generally put my foot in it. You could say something back like "the pot's calling the kettle MIL, cos that was a daft thing for you to say. Everyone here knows I can hold a conversation".

Stop laughing it off, there is a boundary you can enforce re her. Mother in law’s behaviour towards you is appalling and you are her target. Call her out on this every single time, do not be afraid of supposedly rocking the boat here. People like your BIL are noticing her behaviour too and your DH needs to back you up here. You do not have to put up with this and besides which you would not put up with this from a friend either.

@Dacadactyl indeed - you have a way of saying stuff. I kind of laughed it off and just said to BIL honestly I’m not bothered although deep down I was very cross!

And I would use the time honoured, “do you mean to be so rude?” Phrase on her.

Stop pushing down you feelings in front of other people and or to save them any apparent discomfort. You have every right to feel as upset as you do.

Tbf some people do age a bit that way.
It doesn’t sound like (unless you haven’t shared all) she’s saying absolutely horrible things either, and only with her own family.
I would be reassured that BIL stepped in, maybe they do see a change in her aging, in that case is there really a point in them upsetting their mum ? Especially as she only seems to do it in the privacy of her home, where they seem aware of the situation and actually defend you (it’s probably easier for it to come from BIL than your DH)
You say you don’t see her often, she’s a lovely grandmother, is their really any point of any of her sons causing drama in their family, esp as they seem aware of it ?

MIL is causing problems by behaving like this to the OP and that is not always or necessarily due to her age either.

She barely sees her though. And she’s nice to her grandchildren. She’s not trying to separate OP from DH, it sounds like petty remarks. I honestly don’t see the point if they only see each other occasionally, she doesn’t do it in front of the grandchildren, and with OPs family either.
Not to the point of the sons cutting contact at least (or the grandchildren, they have a loving grandmother, which many people don’t have)

She does do it in front of grandchildren. My kids were there, so was SILs and other BIL.

I would not readily want to see someone like MIL either all that often if at all if this is how she behaves towards me. I am worth more.

What would you do?.

OP is not at MILs house to be insulted and or otherwise bullied like this and she should not have to put up with it. Not all elderly people, let alone relatives, are all nice and kind and her age is no excuse either. She knows what she is saying here and she is not for instance drunk when she is saying such things. Words can be designed to hurt and she is also not a loving grandmother to her grandchildren if she is treating the OP as their mother like this. What message are they getting here from granny if she is disrespecting their mother?. Their dad did not intervene, BIL did.

I do think you should start to gently call her out on it. Like someone else said why not take her aside and say have I done something that makes you think I’d make a fool of myself? Bet she can’t think of anything. Don’t let her just make these comments about you

If she doesn't do it when it's just you (as in you and your DH and kids) there is something behind it. She might not realise it (then it's just careless) or if she does then it's just spiteful.
The fact that your BiL picked up on it, shows he spotted it to and it's not normal do to that to a relative.

When you're next visiting and there aren't any other family relatives around, have a quiet word in her ear and say that while you brushed off her comment when you leaving the event recently, it did affect you and you can't understand why she would say such harsh things to you? You don't understand why she does this when there is an audience because you've noticed it happening more frequently.

You could even sugar coat it saying that you're really concerned as she doesn't behave like this when it's just you and you're really concerned for her health as it's not normal.

Thank you. It’s really hard because I think it’s like an ingrained behaviour to be negative. Their everyday talk can often be negative about others (not to drip feed). Even about their own friends. I’m really not a negative person. But I do struggle with being possibly a bit passive when it comes to them. I don’t want drama.

I spoke to DH about it this evening and he’s going to be hyper aware next time but it like this sort of behaviour is normalised.

also we might go some where and i often do see people I know out and about and she’ll say stuff like ‘is there anyone you don’t know etc’

Yes I think I will. I will call her out. I think I’m strong enough to do that now.

Im curious as to why the "is there anyone you don't know?" comment upsets you?

If anyone says this to me (and they have done), I just think "well I do know a lot of people" and think no more of it.

@LostCountAnotherName - have some witty retorts ready if she comes out with a comment about "‘is there anyone you don’t know etc." Something like "Well, actually MiL there is. I'd say the majority of the continent of Asia for starters, why?" and then say nothing.

If you wanted to expand say "It's just coincidence that I bump into people I know at places like this because they are popular with people my age. We bring our families ... oh look, exactly like what we're doing with you, to places like this"

Good luck!

Because it’s said in away to be critical - it’s like it’s a joke. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Be ready to call her out each time with the same phrase - you won’t be able to think on your feet so have a simple statement that applies to everything:

Why so negative?

What do you mean by that?

Are you attempting to belittle me?