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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend critical of the way I walk

77 replies

strawberrysea · 21/01/2023 13:47

'Critical' may not be the right word.

We were walking along the road on our way to get some lunch and my boyfriend of 5 years said 'hmm, when you walk you swing your right foot out'.

I've not been aware of this or noticed it before and when we were walking past shop windows I was looking at my reflection and I seem to walk like any other person.

It's given me a real complex and I'm really irritated that he pointed it out. Even if I did walk like that, I don't feel like it was necessary to make a comment.

I feel like I'm overreacting but I'm really hurt that he would comment on something like the way I walk. He's refused to apologise because he says that he didn't mean to make me feel like I need to be thinking now about how I walk, but now I am overthinking it and walking around the bedroom looking at my feet in the mirror.

I know I'm overthinking it but it's really bothered me. Not really sure why I'm posting, looking for someone to talk some sense into me maybe.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 21/01/2023 16:34

*What if he is right and you do swing your leg?

I did but didnt know until it was pointed out to me by a biomechanical chirpodist. I was having pain from my bip down into my thigh. Overtime I swung my leg out to ease the pain but didnt realise I did. For a while I had to think about how I walked until i was walking correctly.

Honestly I would have it checked out as if you do have a slight swing it can have a knock on effect with the rest of your body and mean things arent aligned correctly.

Dodecaheidyin · 21/01/2023 16:36

He's refused to apologise because he says that he didn't mean to make me feel like I need to be thinking now about how I walk

So what was his intention?

What's he like with you in general and how has the relationship been over the last five years?

The fact that you are bothered about it and seeking others' opinions makes me suspect your self esteem could be a bit higher. How was that before you got together with laughing boy?

lordloveadog · 21/01/2023 16:45

Go and get checked by an osteopath.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/01/2023 17:03

He’s surely noting it so you can get it checked out, which you should

WetBandits · 21/01/2023 17:09

My other half said I have ‘a funny little walk’ when I’m in a hurry and I laughed because...I do.

the end

bellac11 · 21/01/2023 17:13

ManyNameChanges · 21/01/2023 14:58

Well you are probably overthinking that.

BUT I would have an issue with that:
He's refused to apologise because he says that he didn't mean to make me feel like I need to be thinking now about how I walk

Usually, you apologise when you’ve hurt someone Wo meaning to do it. If the idea was to hurt the person with your comment, I doubt you would apologise (or nit a real heartfelt apology iyswim).
He could easily have apologised and explain he didn’t see it as a problem blabla.
Instead it looks like he just wants ti be right and that you are not entitled to feel the way you do. Which is an issue Imo.

I dont agree with that. Its a slippery controlling slope for someone to apologise everytime someone says they are upset

The OP is in control of her emotions, not him. No one 'makes' someone feel soemthing, he is not responsible for what she feels.

As it happens in this case, it seems a harmless observation, what the apology for, him noticing her, him noticing how she walks, him commenting on it?

She overreacted and now he must apologise for that?

Controlling

NewUserName2023 · 21/01/2023 17:14

I think it's down to the tone of his voice, which we can't tell. Was he being jokey or concerned? Did he mention this because you've only started to walk like this recently? If this is the case maybe see a osteopath or physio and/or get a gait analysis?

Helenahandkart · 21/01/2023 17:20

When I was 16 my boyfriend laughed at me and told me I cycled with knock-knees. When I developed hip pain in my 40s I discovered I had hip dysplasia, which made me slightly knock kneed, and unfortunately nobody had picked up on it in time for it to be corrected. I wish now I had paid more attention to my boyfriend’s comment. I thought he was just being cruel.
Probably worth a trip to the doctor in case it’s a symptom of a skeletal issue etc.

JustKittenAround · 22/01/2023 05:43

Free yourself and let him behold you walking away

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 05:48

strawberrysea · 21/01/2023 14:13

I asked for advice not to be crucified, people on here can be far too harsh. There is a person behind the screen ffs.

Show quote history

Crucified? You seem prone to over reacting. You are now and you are with your boyfriends perfectly normal comment. My husband once mentioned that I swing my arms when I walk. I didn’t divorce him over it or get hysterical.

Clymene · 22/01/2023 06:18

WhY did he feel the need to comment at all?

quinceh · 22/01/2023 06:26

My right foot sticks out sideways when I walk and a couple of friends have pointed it out and suggested an osteopath. I guess sometimes people feel that they’re close enough to you to make observations like that. However if you’re uncomfortable with personal remarks, definitely tell him so and ask him not to do it in the future.

Foxywood · 22/01/2023 06:38

You might have a scoliosis, a slight bend in your sine which makes you walk to compensate for it . Quite common - now they operate on it (princess beatrix).

borntobequiet · 22/01/2023 06:52

A change in gait can indicate a problem. As others have said, you might think about getting it checked out.

k1233 · 22/01/2023 06:59

I have a horse. It a habit to watch his gait, how his hooves move, how his legs move, how a foot travels through the air, how he stands. I assess hom as soon as I see him walking in the paddock. All observations are very important to assess that he is not in pain / discomfort. I do the same with my dogs and to a lesser extent with people. I've got damage down my right leg (my pirifomis is troublesome, my right knee won't straighten and I tore my plantar facia under my foot a year ago and it's just getting better) so I am very conscious of how my leg travels, how my foot falls eg does it heel toe or land flat. I'd appreciate someone noticing a swing I hadn't picked up. I mention gait irregularities to others people if I notice them. They're usually a sign something is out and are an easy fix.

So I don't think he's done anything wrong mentioning it to you.

Coyoacan · 22/01/2023 07:02

Yeap, ID you do do that you'd want to correct before you start with the aches and pains

FluffyFlower · 22/01/2023 07:11

Even if the OP is somewhat overreacting, I don't see why her BF felt the urge to say that. He didn't say he was concerned for her health he just pointed it out. Now they have been together for 5 years and he probably knows by now that she is sensitive to comments and can overthink stuff (nothing wrong with that, we are all different!) but still said that with no reason whatsoever. Yes work on yourself to become more resilient to stuff like that but also explain to him that such comments somehow hurt you.

Sellorkeep · 22/01/2023 07:23

Helenahandkart · 21/01/2023 17:20

I feel you. I have a wonky walk which I’m trying to correct. If someone had told me and I had listened then I might have had it checked out and saved myself a buggered hip.

BunchHarman · 22/01/2023 09:23

No need to be total cunts, everyone.

bellac11 · 22/01/2023 09:29

There are some very strange ideas on this thread. Since when is it not appropriate to make personal observations about the person you're in a domestic/romantic/intimate relationship with?

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 09:54

LaLuz7 · 21/01/2023 16:31

Why was it a stupid remark?

If i noticed a lump on my partner's body, should I not bring it up?

If i noticed they were squinting a lot?

Anything else that was a little peculiar and might have health implications?

It was an innocent observation that was not judgemental in any way or meant to offend. He was probably looking out for her and thinking she might want to have it checked out.

Why in the world should he be shamed and made to apologise?

Ridiculous all around, especially considering that OP's behaviour on this thread is proof that she has indeed a tendency to be oversensitive to normal comments.

Can we stop demonising men just because they are men and ascribing them the worst possible intentions going by very little info? Because it's an obvious pattern around here and it's really not helping anyone.

Show quote history

A stupid remark because he's seen OP walking for 5 years & only now decides to comment, If he's said "you're walking funnily TODAY, maybe get an osteo appointment, or a gait check in a sports shop" all would have been clear, but he seemingly commented out of nowhere, gave no reason for saying it, & then refused to say sorry when OP felt hurt.
People who've made an accidentally clumsy observation would feel no shame in quickly just saying sorry for it. People who are aiming to neg you tend to double down & refuse to apologise - because that's the whole point, to put you on the back foot & 'in the wrong'.

The fact that several PP wouldn't have felt hurt is immaterial. OP was, & calling her over-sensitive is daft because 1) we weren't there so could hear the tone & 2) we haven't been there for 5 years, so don't know the frequency of possibly undermining remarks, if that's a habit the b/f has.

We can't assess the level of stupidity because OP hasn't come back to confirm whether it's a one-off event, or part of a pattern of similar.

It was an innocent observation that was not judgemental in any way or meant to offend. He was probably looking out for her and thinking she might want to have it checked out.
Who's ascribing intentions now?
You weren't there. You don't know.
Neither was I, which is why I asked OP whether this is a pattern or not, but I doubt she's coming back now, so we won't find out, & I'll leave it there.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 22/01/2023 09:58

If I suddenly noticed that my DH’s gait seemed unusual, of course I would mention it. Doubly so, if it were my children. It is good to be aware so any potential issues can be picked up early.

SurpriseSparDay · 22/01/2023 10:04

@strawberrysea I don’t think MN can be a comfortable place for you …

You said yourself that your boyfriend’s comment was not exactly ‘critical’. You started a thread to discuss how you’re feeling about it. People say you’re maybe over-reacting a bit. You excoriate everyone for ‘crucifying’ you. I’m afraid people will draw their own conclusions.

Decades ago a boyfriend commented negatively on the way I walked. Apparently my strides were too long and insufficiently ladylike. I gave a tinkly laugh and dumped him a few months later.

WandaWonder · 22/01/2023 10:10

I can't say I have never asked a question or made a comment I didn't have too

And people have done the same to me

There does not have to be some hidden agenda behind it

Goodread1 · 22/01/2023 10:23

Hi Op

Does your boyfriend have a tendency to find f faults with you about anything you do then in either critical. Judgemental way or and ridicule you often in a mocking or. Scarastic manner?

If he does ?
He is Arsehole has low self esteem and obviously insecure feels to make himself feel better to knock your confidence down..

He could be just make a observation of your style of walking, that you have taken the wrong way,

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